An 'I'm not ready to trust' Epiphany
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 46
An 'I'm not ready to trust' Epiphany
So, I've been sick this entire week. For two days I did not move from the couch except to go to the bathroom. Fortunately, my mom watched children for me for a couple of days, and (R?)AH was able to bring me food, etc. He didn't crazy-baby me, but he called to see how I was doing and to see if I wanted him to pick up anything for me, which was nice.
Fast forward to yesterday (his day off) at lunch time. I come home and my daughter tells me that 'daddy's still sleeping'. And immediately I tensed up. My children had been unsupervised all morning while I was at work for FOUR HOURS. I was furious, but I just got her ready for preschool, took my two year old with us to drop her off, came back home and made him lunch and went to wake my (R?)AH up. I had heard him up at 5 am still playing video games. I knew it was going to be a crappy day for him. But I let him make his own choices, including what I would call stupid ones like staying up all night when he has to watch children all day the next day. I woke him up, asked him if he was sick and he said that he didn't feel great, but that he was okay. I said fine, looked at him, said I love you, but our daughter told me that she made her own breakfast this morning, that daddy slept all morning, that I had to get her ready for school, and that I wasn't quiet and had been home for about an hour and that if we were paying someone to watch our kids and this was the way they were treated we would be furious. Our little girl cried when she asked me if I was picking her up and I said 'no, daddy is' to which she replied (while crying) 'but he's asleep!'. It broke my heart to hear that. His only defense at the time was that he checked on them a couple of times and they were still sleeping.
Later, I had to stop by and pick up a paper for work, and he told me he wouldn't have slept, but he was really sick. He accused me of not caring about him and that he would love to have sick days and someone to take care of kids when he was sick, but didn't have that luxury. I was pretty calm by then, and told him that I didn't have a magic ball that told me he was sick.
I told him that I had a hard time believing he's super ill, when he's up until 5 playing video games, and hanging out with friends (and this is a friend that is still engaged in alcoholic behavior. AH feels that it is his responsibilty to keep this friend from doing 'worse' things when he is drunk. AH let it slide that he doesn't think that I tried hard enough to get him to stop drinking, I just let him go and he's not going to do that to someone he cares about....*ouch).
I told him that 'maybe he would be well enough to watch kids if he wasn't engaging in that sort of behavior. In any case, you've told me you're sick, I'll gladly stay home and watch kiddos. That's why I have sick time.'
Then I did what I'm mad about. I apologized. More than once. I slid into the EXACT SAME BEHAVIOR I used to have when he was drinking and we would argue about whatever that would somehow lead to the 'you're a horrible wife' accusation that I would apologize for. As soon as I realized what I was doing, I stopped. I went back to work for a minute and came home to watch my babies. And without even trying, I was able to steer clear of grouch-ass behavior, and keep my kids away from daddy. I kept thinking all night that I thought I was done with detatching. That I wouldn't have to do this when he wasn't drinking. And it's just not the case. I did at one point tell him that just because he's, he doesn't get a free pass to act like a jerk. And I pretty much haven't talked to him since. I made him dinner, because he had done that for me all week when he was sick.
I hate that I feel guilty for not knowing that he was sick, but at the same time, mad that I feel guilty. I'm not a mind reader, when I was sick, I asked for help. What really sucks is that this whole stinkin' thing has been an exercise in 'I'm not ready to trust him'. The first thing I thought when my daughter said he had slept all morning was 'is the drinking starting again and I just didn't catch it quickly because I didn't want to see it?'. I had to make myself ask if he was sick first, when all I wanted to do was scour the house and trash cans and all the other hiding spots for beer bottles. And he was just being a jerk about all of it. I guess I need to re-evaluate my sober-spouse boundaries. Is this all normal? Am I overreacting/over-analyzing? gah.
Fast forward to yesterday (his day off) at lunch time. I come home and my daughter tells me that 'daddy's still sleeping'. And immediately I tensed up. My children had been unsupervised all morning while I was at work for FOUR HOURS. I was furious, but I just got her ready for preschool, took my two year old with us to drop her off, came back home and made him lunch and went to wake my (R?)AH up. I had heard him up at 5 am still playing video games. I knew it was going to be a crappy day for him. But I let him make his own choices, including what I would call stupid ones like staying up all night when he has to watch children all day the next day. I woke him up, asked him if he was sick and he said that he didn't feel great, but that he was okay. I said fine, looked at him, said I love you, but our daughter told me that she made her own breakfast this morning, that daddy slept all morning, that I had to get her ready for school, and that I wasn't quiet and had been home for about an hour and that if we were paying someone to watch our kids and this was the way they were treated we would be furious. Our little girl cried when she asked me if I was picking her up and I said 'no, daddy is' to which she replied (while crying) 'but he's asleep!'. It broke my heart to hear that. His only defense at the time was that he checked on them a couple of times and they were still sleeping.
Later, I had to stop by and pick up a paper for work, and he told me he wouldn't have slept, but he was really sick. He accused me of not caring about him and that he would love to have sick days and someone to take care of kids when he was sick, but didn't have that luxury. I was pretty calm by then, and told him that I didn't have a magic ball that told me he was sick.
I told him that I had a hard time believing he's super ill, when he's up until 5 playing video games, and hanging out with friends (and this is a friend that is still engaged in alcoholic behavior. AH feels that it is his responsibilty to keep this friend from doing 'worse' things when he is drunk. AH let it slide that he doesn't think that I tried hard enough to get him to stop drinking, I just let him go and he's not going to do that to someone he cares about....*ouch).
I told him that 'maybe he would be well enough to watch kids if he wasn't engaging in that sort of behavior. In any case, you've told me you're sick, I'll gladly stay home and watch kiddos. That's why I have sick time.'
Then I did what I'm mad about. I apologized. More than once. I slid into the EXACT SAME BEHAVIOR I used to have when he was drinking and we would argue about whatever that would somehow lead to the 'you're a horrible wife' accusation that I would apologize for. As soon as I realized what I was doing, I stopped. I went back to work for a minute and came home to watch my babies. And without even trying, I was able to steer clear of grouch-ass behavior, and keep my kids away from daddy. I kept thinking all night that I thought I was done with detatching. That I wouldn't have to do this when he wasn't drinking. And it's just not the case. I did at one point tell him that just because he's, he doesn't get a free pass to act like a jerk. And I pretty much haven't talked to him since. I made him dinner, because he had done that for me all week when he was sick.
I hate that I feel guilty for not knowing that he was sick, but at the same time, mad that I feel guilty. I'm not a mind reader, when I was sick, I asked for help. What really sucks is that this whole stinkin' thing has been an exercise in 'I'm not ready to trust him'. The first thing I thought when my daughter said he had slept all morning was 'is the drinking starting again and I just didn't catch it quickly because I didn't want to see it?'. I had to make myself ask if he was sick first, when all I wanted to do was scour the house and trash cans and all the other hiding spots for beer bottles. And he was just being a jerk about all of it. I guess I need to re-evaluate my sober-spouse boundaries. Is this all normal? Am I overreacting/over-analyzing? gah.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
I hate that I feel guilty for not knowing that he was sick, but at the same time, mad that I feel guilty. I'm not a mind reader, when I was sick, I asked for help. What really sucks is that this whole stinkin' thing has been an exercise in 'I'm not ready to trust him'. The first thing I thought when my daughter said he had slept all morning was 'is the drinking starting again and I just didn't catch it quickly because I didn't want to see it?'. I had to make myself ask if he was sick first, when all I wanted to do was scour the house and trash cans and all the other hiding spots for beer bottles. And he was just being a jerk about all of it. I guess I need to re-evaluate my sober-spouse boundaries. Is this all normal? Am I overreacting/over-analyzing? gah.
But when I read your daughter said daddy is still sleeping, I immediately thought, "he got drunk last night."
I mean right away.
I used to get that same treatment too, about being a bad wife and mother. And it was very effective when I was newly sober, because I was still nauseous about it.
It distracted me immediately. Now, I know when he even tries that (we have been divorced for 12 years but he still tries it) it is a poor attempt at distraction from whatever he is feeling guilty about.
Why the distraction? Why not discuss why a grown man who has to watch his children cannot wake up? That is the question.
Beth
Damn, it sucks not to be able to count on their own father to care for them.
I am sorry.
Rising from the Ashes
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Republic of Texas
Posts: 451
CircleInTheSea, you asked "Is this all normal? Am I overreacting/over-analyzing? gah." Well, my response to that question is NO it's NOT normal. You and your AH are still playing cat-and-mouse games.
Your experience you described reminded me of a time when I was living in Maryland and attending college. I had hired a neighbor lady to babysit my children were not of legal age to stay home by themselves. I was home on summmer break and therefor I was able to watch my own children. I was busy packing our suitcases for a trip up to Iowa to visit my family. When suddenly I got a knock on my door......it was a social worker from the child protective agency. They had received complaints about my children being left home unattended. My children were wondering the street between their "babysitter" and our home. I invited the social worker into my home, and we had a conversation. I explained to her that I had hired the neighbor lady to babysit. My children were in the living room playing, and I guess, she could see how the kids and I were relating. She thanked me for taking the time for our conversation and the case was dismissed. This could have turned out much more negative if I hadn't been acting responsible!
I don't think your AH was acting like a responsible Father! "Fast forward to yesterday (his day off) at lunch time. I come home and my daughter tells me that " 'daddy's still sleeping'. And immediately I tensed up. My children had been unsupervised all morning while I was at work for FOUR HOURS." "I had heard him up at 5 am still playing video games." "Our little girl cried when she asked me if I was picking her up and I said 'no, daddy is' to which she replied (while crying) 'but he's asleep!." "I told him that I had a hard time believing he's super ill, when he's up until 5 playing video games, and hanging out with friends (and this is a friend that is still engaged in alcoholic behavior. AH feels that it is his responsibilty to keep this friend from doing 'worse' things when he is drunk. AH let it slide that he doesn't think that I tried hard enough to get him to stop drinking, I just let him go and he's not going to do that to someone he cares about....*ouch)." "I hate that I feel guilty for not knowing that he was sick, but at the same time, mad that I feel guilty. I'm not a mind reader, when I was sick, I asked for help. What really sucks is that this whole stinkin' thing has been an exercise in 'I'm not ready to trust him."
No, my Dear! I preceive your Greatest problem is not accepting your husband has an addictive personality which YOU must detach from with love!
It's a simple concept BUT HARD TO PRACTICE! It's ONE STEP AT A TIME!
Try to attend as many Ala-non meetings you can get to, and keep reaching out to the SR members for your support. It's like Helen Reddy's song......
I am woman, hear me roar
In numbers too big to ignore
And I know too much to go back an' pretend
'cause I've heard it all before
And I've been down there on the floor
No one's ever gonna keep me down again
CHORUS
Oh yes I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to, I can do anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman
You can bend but never break me
'cause it only serves to make me
More determined to achieve my final goal
And I come back even stronger
Not a novice any longer
'cause you've deepened the conviction in my soul
CHORUS
I am woman watch me grow
See me standing toe to toe
As I spread my lovin' arms across the land
But I'm still an embryo
With a long long way to go
Until I make my brother understand
Oh yes I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to I can face anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman
Oh, I am woman
I am invincible
I am strong
FADE
I am woman
I am invincible
I am strong
I am woman
Your experience you described reminded me of a time when I was living in Maryland and attending college. I had hired a neighbor lady to babysit my children were not of legal age to stay home by themselves. I was home on summmer break and therefor I was able to watch my own children. I was busy packing our suitcases for a trip up to Iowa to visit my family. When suddenly I got a knock on my door......it was a social worker from the child protective agency. They had received complaints about my children being left home unattended. My children were wondering the street between their "babysitter" and our home. I invited the social worker into my home, and we had a conversation. I explained to her that I had hired the neighbor lady to babysit. My children were in the living room playing, and I guess, she could see how the kids and I were relating. She thanked me for taking the time for our conversation and the case was dismissed. This could have turned out much more negative if I hadn't been acting responsible!
I don't think your AH was acting like a responsible Father! "Fast forward to yesterday (his day off) at lunch time. I come home and my daughter tells me that " 'daddy's still sleeping'. And immediately I tensed up. My children had been unsupervised all morning while I was at work for FOUR HOURS." "I had heard him up at 5 am still playing video games." "Our little girl cried when she asked me if I was picking her up and I said 'no, daddy is' to which she replied (while crying) 'but he's asleep!." "I told him that I had a hard time believing he's super ill, when he's up until 5 playing video games, and hanging out with friends (and this is a friend that is still engaged in alcoholic behavior. AH feels that it is his responsibilty to keep this friend from doing 'worse' things when he is drunk. AH let it slide that he doesn't think that I tried hard enough to get him to stop drinking, I just let him go and he's not going to do that to someone he cares about....*ouch)." "I hate that I feel guilty for not knowing that he was sick, but at the same time, mad that I feel guilty. I'm not a mind reader, when I was sick, I asked for help. What really sucks is that this whole stinkin' thing has been an exercise in 'I'm not ready to trust him."
No, my Dear! I preceive your Greatest problem is not accepting your husband has an addictive personality which YOU must detach from with love!
It's a simple concept BUT HARD TO PRACTICE! It's ONE STEP AT A TIME!
Try to attend as many Ala-non meetings you can get to, and keep reaching out to the SR members for your support. It's like Helen Reddy's song......
I am woman, hear me roar
In numbers too big to ignore
And I know too much to go back an' pretend
'cause I've heard it all before
And I've been down there on the floor
No one's ever gonna keep me down again
CHORUS
Oh yes I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to, I can do anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman
You can bend but never break me
'cause it only serves to make me
More determined to achieve my final goal
And I come back even stronger
Not a novice any longer
'cause you've deepened the conviction in my soul
CHORUS
I am woman watch me grow
See me standing toe to toe
As I spread my lovin' arms across the land
But I'm still an embryo
With a long long way to go
Until I make my brother understand
Oh yes I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to I can face anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman
Oh, I am woman
I am invincible
I am strong
FADE
I am woman
I am invincible
I am strong
I am woman
Rising from the Ashes
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Republic of Texas
Posts: 451
NOW before I start getting negative comments about my song choice. This is MY song that I have found great strength in. Sorry to all the "good male" members of SR.
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Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
I was sick all last week. Monday I could get DS (age 7) to school, but was too ill to get DD (age 2) to nursery. That was a big mistake. It was hell, one of the longest 16 hour stretches of my life and I suffered alot. We sat on the couch all day, doing nothing but watching TV, I made her food, she got a bit bored, I functioned, but I really needed to sleep.
Tuesday I called in some favours, got her to nursery, him to school and slept all day.
The point being.... a 2 year-old needs to be supervised pretty much constantly, it didn't matter how sick I was, my job was to care for her, personally, if I couldn't get someone else to do it.
he isn't horrified that his very young children were running around unsupervised all morning and at the end of the conversation, instead of apologising and brainstorming about putting contingency plans in place should this happen again somehow YOU are apologising, his is now really sick on his day off, and you feel guilty.
smoke and mirrors..... why would that be?
I would postulate that you aren't ready to trust him because he is falling very far short of trustworthy behaviour. trust yourself honey.
Tuesday I called in some favours, got her to nursery, him to school and slept all day.
The point being.... a 2 year-old needs to be supervised pretty much constantly, it didn't matter how sick I was, my job was to care for her, personally, if I couldn't get someone else to do it.
he isn't horrified that his very young children were running around unsupervised all morning and at the end of the conversation, instead of apologising and brainstorming about putting contingency plans in place should this happen again somehow YOU are apologising, his is now really sick on his day off, and you feel guilty.
smoke and mirrors..... why would that be?
I would postulate that you aren't ready to trust him because he is falling very far short of trustworthy behaviour. trust yourself honey.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by CircleInTheSea 
...when he's up until 5 playing video games, and hanging out with friends (and this is a friend that is still engaged in alcoholic behavior. AH feels that it is his responsibilty to keep this friend from doing 'worse' things when he is drunk. AH let it slide that he doesn't think that I tried hard enough to get him to stop drinking, I just let him go and he's not going to do that to someone he cares about....*ouch).
Chaotically Peaceful
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: A state of peace
Posts: 322
Originally Posted by Freedom1990
This isn't a man in recovery, not by any stretch of the imagination...
AlAnon. Codependent No More. They are great resources and they help eliminate the "crazies" of living with an AH.
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