Fighting the urge not to isolate and internalize...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Fighting the urge not to isolate and internalize...
So here I am, posting.
Called this morning to talk to my mom, which is standard on Saturday mornings. It's just casual chit chat to catch up on stuff before they leave for the day (Saturdays are their day for a movie and weekly shopping out of town).
Dad answered the phone.
Since I had to call and ask for help this month after the hospital issued the garnishment on my checking account, I guess this morning was an opportunity for him to rant on and on with unsolicited advice on what I should be currently doing with my life.
I'm so tired, so vulnerable at this point in my life that I got off of the phone even more depressed, and feeling like that 5 year old child being scolded by her dad.
He has zero concept of what living with disabilities is like, including chronic pain 24/7.
But then this is the same man who told me if I had God in my life, I wouldn't need antidepressants.
I love him, but I hate him sometimes. Make any sense?
Sometimes I feel so utterly alone in my struggles, and I know that is just not the case.
The reality is my parents never have and never will 'get' many things in my life. That's just the way that it is. I will never have the kind of emotional support that I would like from them, and that's a big pill to swallow sometimes.
Thanks for letting me get this out. My first reaction was to go curl up on the sofa in a ball and internalize this crap for God knows how long.
Called this morning to talk to my mom, which is standard on Saturday mornings. It's just casual chit chat to catch up on stuff before they leave for the day (Saturdays are their day for a movie and weekly shopping out of town).
Dad answered the phone.
Since I had to call and ask for help this month after the hospital issued the garnishment on my checking account, I guess this morning was an opportunity for him to rant on and on with unsolicited advice on what I should be currently doing with my life.
I'm so tired, so vulnerable at this point in my life that I got off of the phone even more depressed, and feeling like that 5 year old child being scolded by her dad.
He has zero concept of what living with disabilities is like, including chronic pain 24/7.
But then this is the same man who told me if I had God in my life, I wouldn't need antidepressants.
I love him, but I hate him sometimes. Make any sense?
Sometimes I feel so utterly alone in my struggles, and I know that is just not the case.
The reality is my parents never have and never will 'get' many things in my life. That's just the way that it is. I will never have the kind of emotional support that I would like from them, and that's a big pill to swallow sometimes.
Thanks for letting me get this out. My first reaction was to go curl up on the sofa in a ball and internalize this crap for God knows how long.
Awakening
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Beautiful Texas hillcountry
Posts: 1,272
No suggestions, just that I tend to want to isolate, and I know it's the exact opposite of what I need to do for me.
At least I'm "aware' now, so I understand your feelings some.
This too shall pass.
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
At least I'm "aware' now, so I understand your feelings some.
This too shall pass.
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Originally Posted by Freedom1990 
Sometimes I feel so utterly alone in my struggles, and I know that is just not the case.
The reality is my parents never have and never will 'get' many things in my life. That's just the way that it is. I will never have the kind of emotional support that I would like from them, and that's a big pill to swallow sometimes.
The reality is my parents never have and never will 'get' many things in my life. That's just the way that it is. I will never have the kind of emotional support that I would like from them, and that's a big pill to swallow sometimes.
I found that when I finally accepted that my emotional support and needs would not be coming from them, I was then able to start to make relationships from which I could get this type of support. I have a whole network of adopted moms and mentors who now help fulfill these needs.
It served two purposes: first, I stopped banging my head against the wall
, trying to achieve something not achievable (making the parents into something they were not - trying to get needs met from people unable to meet them, due to their own issues), and second, I started to find ways in which my needs would be met, but outside the box.It works great for me!
I suppose there is a grieving that one's family isn't going to be the dream. But getting past that, and on to solutions that are available and that do work and fulfill needs is a great place to arrive.
Once you see that the world is your oyster, it's a lot less lonely!
BIIIIIIIIIG hugs, :ghug3
CLMI
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
I know what you mean about the internalising and isolating. Been struggling with it for what seems like ages. My mum thinks my depression exists because I 'think too much'. Hah. No, unless you've been there you don't really 'get' it. You are NOT alone. We're here. Wish I could reach out over the ocean and just give you a hug and a shoulder to lean on. 
But then I remember who you are from your posts all the time I've been here. You are strong and wise and you will get through this. I know.
But then I remember who you are from your posts all the time I've been here. You are strong and wise and you will get through this. I know.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
I completely get the feeling of wanting to isolate and internalize everything. My sister has nearly forcibly dragged my backside out of the house on a couple occasions. I never knew she was quite that persistent. 
Sending you hugs, DeVon. I also want to send your dad a swift kick in the backside, but will refrain and just sent you extra hugs. Hang in there and take gentle care of yourself.
Sending you hugs, DeVon. I also want to send your dad a swift kick in the backside, but will refrain and just sent you extra hugs. Hang in there and take gentle care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Freedom, No offense meant but your dad does this to you every single time! Whenever you are most vulnerable and struggling and discouraged he off loads on you.
This really pizzes me off on your behalf as someone who understands, wishes you well and knows that you deserve better than that.
This really pizzes me off on your behalf as someone who understands, wishes you well and knows that you deserve better than that.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
My parents don't understand my life at times and it hurts. I have an autistic son and they are often at a loss as to how complex it is to manage his life and be his mom. I used to be really upset, wondering why they didn't get it but then I just accepted that they will NEVER get it but that doesn't mean they don't love their grandson. I no longer put myself in situations where I have to 'explain' to family or teach them about my son. It is too draining for me. I put up my own boundaries and after a while they got it. I explained to them why my son has hard time at kids parties (the noise upsets him) and why I will not be going to my nephew's an neice's parties. They actually were quite understanding.
Instead of making my life fit theirs, I now make their life fit mine and it works so much better. Sometimes when people feel helpless is when they say the most hurtful things. It says more about them than you, always remember that.
bb
Instead of making my life fit theirs, I now make their life fit mine and it works so much better. Sometimes when people feel helpless is when they say the most hurtful things. It says more about them than you, always remember that.
bb
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
I understand Freedom. Both of my parents are gone (and no, i am not saying be grateful they are around, i am not sure i would be glad if mine were still here) but I do remember trying to get something out of either one of them.
Have you ever heard of people (i think mostly women) who go to hospitals and rock the babies who are withdrawing, to try to comfort and soothe them?
I would like my own daddy. The perfect daddy. He would say things like "I see what a good job you are doing."
"you are a wonderful girl."
"you can do anything you want."
"i am proud of you"
and last but certainly not least,
"i love you."
but, i guess since i can't do that, sometimes i tend to isolate too, so no one can see i am hurting and tired. like a parakeet that puffs up to hide its distress.
i am sorry you are feeling down, but, i have seen and known you have made it before.
you can come to this grocery store (SR) for bread.
Beth
I had to force myself outside, I hate the cold weather, but if I dont get outside, I will withdraw more. You know, maybe I could come to TX!
Have you ever heard of people (i think mostly women) who go to hospitals and rock the babies who are withdrawing, to try to comfort and soothe them?
I would like my own daddy. The perfect daddy. He would say things like "I see what a good job you are doing."
"you are a wonderful girl."
"you can do anything you want."
"i am proud of you"
and last but certainly not least,
"i love you."
but, i guess since i can't do that, sometimes i tend to isolate too, so no one can see i am hurting and tired. like a parakeet that puffs up to hide its distress.
i am sorry you are feeling down, but, i have seen and known you have made it before.
you can come to this grocery store (SR) for bread.
Beth
I had to force myself outside, I hate the cold weather, but if I dont get outside, I will withdraw more. You know, maybe I could come to TX!
Recovering spouse
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Whipple Ohio
Posts: 7
It seems that our parents will always hold a power
As dysfunctional as my family of origin is sometimes, they are the one thing that I often give more power to than my alcoholic. I will never achieve perfection and it's days like today that make me think, why even bother? But sometimes it's even more than that. My mother cannot think outside of her own box, she can't see anyone else's boxes even then they are surrounding her. Yet she is a martyr and a victim at the same time. She keeps her world perfect (in her opinion) and passes a lot of judgment on those who don't do the same. When you are an only child this leads to a lot of disappointment for everyone, self included. It is way easier to judge your children than it is yourself.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
I'm so very sorry Dev.
My father once told me, in a way I'm sure he thought was encouraging, that I'm too judgmental and critical of myself. In a rare moment of strength I gave him a half smile and said "Thanks, I learned from the best." Meaning of course he and my mother.
At first he chuckled, but quickly realized what I had really said, by the time he tried to object, I had walked away.
I am so sorry you felt the wrath of your father's disapproval and judgment. That's just something that our parents cannot edit, I guess. They may have no license for it elsewhere in their lives, but with their children, no matter how old, they feel free to cut it loose.
I think you are onto something when you see how your vulnerability seems to spur him or maybe it's the only time he can get to you. In your stronger moments, you can shut him down. Maybe these low points are not the time to have contact with them? This is definitely something I struggle with. Leads back to my having to learn to validate and comfort myself and not keep seeking it from those who won't give it, sadly my parents top that list.
I hope you start to feel better soon. Don't hide away, we need you here!
Alice
My father once told me, in a way I'm sure he thought was encouraging, that I'm too judgmental and critical of myself. In a rare moment of strength I gave him a half smile and said "Thanks, I learned from the best." Meaning of course he and my mother.
At first he chuckled, but quickly realized what I had really said, by the time he tried to object, I had walked away.
I am so sorry you felt the wrath of your father's disapproval and judgment. That's just something that our parents cannot edit, I guess. They may have no license for it elsewhere in their lives, but with their children, no matter how old, they feel free to cut it loose.
I think you are onto something when you see how your vulnerability seems to spur him or maybe it's the only time he can get to you. In your stronger moments, you can shut him down. Maybe these low points are not the time to have contact with them? This is definitely something I struggle with. Leads back to my having to learn to validate and comfort myself and not keep seeking it from those who won't give it, sadly my parents top that list.
I hope you start to feel better soon. Don't hide away, we need you here!
Alice
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((DeVon))) - I'm so glad you came here and posted. My dad is generally supportive, but then he has his times when he tells me what I should be doing, how to do it, what I'm doing wrong, unsolicited advice, etc. It hurts even more, that I AM having to depend on him for $$ to help with bills.
I either isolate, or snap..speak my mind...then go hide in my room...sigh. I live with him, so it's not so easy to totally get away.
He doesn't "get" a big part of my life. The addiction part has basically been a non-issue, for a while, but the codie stuff (of which he and stepmom both are) is much more difficult. He doesn't get that while I'm working on getting a new career, I'm both excited and absolutely terrified, because I will have to deal with my past on "so, why did you go from nursing to working at fast food restaurants?"
You'll be okay. You've been bombarded with icky stuff, lately, but it will pass. You're an amazing woman and you really DO have a brain in your head, and it works just fine...despite what dad may think.
Love, hugs, and prayers,
Amy
I either isolate, or snap..speak my mind...then go hide in my room...sigh. I live with him, so it's not so easy to totally get away.
He doesn't "get" a big part of my life. The addiction part has basically been a non-issue, for a while, but the codie stuff (of which he and stepmom both are) is much more difficult. He doesn't get that while I'm working on getting a new career, I'm both excited and absolutely terrified, because I will have to deal with my past on "so, why did you go from nursing to working at fast food restaurants?"
You'll be okay. You've been bombarded with icky stuff, lately, but it will pass. You're an amazing woman and you really DO have a brain in your head, and it works just fine...despite what dad may think.
Love, hugs, and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 566
Hi Freedom,
I hear you! I'm doing a lot of this work myself as I peel back some rough layers of my childhood that I had forgotten to a large extent. I'm taking some space from my parents (not calling often, and visiting just a few times a year), getting some of what I need from others (echoing what catlover said) so that the kid inside of me isn't running to my parents when they're not able to give me what I want and need. Instead, I call my sponsor, reliable friends, reliable relatives, etc...the people that call me back and who call me when they know I'm going through a difficult time, just to say, "Hey, I'm thinking of you. How are you?" My inner kiddo is so hungry for that kind of attunement, but Mom and Dad aren't going to suddenly start providing it in their 70s.
The 3rd step and the word "acceptance" are my mantras most days. I try to accept that my parents are just being who they are, that it's not personal but rather their journey with themselves. Then it's easier for my adult self to more easily step in and hug my inner kiddo, reminding her that she can get everything she needs from me and from those who are able to be present.
I'm sending you, and your inner kiddo, a great big hug this morning. You can do this! You already are~
Hugs, hugs, hugs,
posie
I hear you! I'm doing a lot of this work myself as I peel back some rough layers of my childhood that I had forgotten to a large extent. I'm taking some space from my parents (not calling often, and visiting just a few times a year), getting some of what I need from others (echoing what catlover said) so that the kid inside of me isn't running to my parents when they're not able to give me what I want and need. Instead, I call my sponsor, reliable friends, reliable relatives, etc...the people that call me back and who call me when they know I'm going through a difficult time, just to say, "Hey, I'm thinking of you. How are you?" My inner kiddo is so hungry for that kind of attunement, but Mom and Dad aren't going to suddenly start providing it in their 70s.
The 3rd step and the word "acceptance" are my mantras most days. I try to accept that my parents are just being who they are, that it's not personal but rather their journey with themselves. Then it's easier for my adult self to more easily step in and hug my inner kiddo, reminding her that she can get everything she needs from me and from those who are able to be present.
I'm sending you, and your inner kiddo, a great big hug this morning. You can do this! You already are~
Hugs, hugs, hugs,
posie
Awakening
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Beautiful Texas hillcountry
Posts: 1,272
The longer I'm around this "recovery business", the more I'm realizing that most of the things that other people do that hurt or some how bother me, have absolutely ZERO to do with me and EVERYTHING to do with them and what ever happens to be going on with them at the time. I found this to be true over and over again.
I bet you feel totally better today.
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
I bet you feel totally better today.
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Good morning to all my wonderful SR friends!
I spent the night watching scary movies online via my NetFlix account, and doing puzzles. It was very relaxing.
I had both of Amber's dogs for the night as her ABF's employer was hosting their annual Christmas party over at a posh hotel in Wichita (complete with rooms for all the couples for the night). Let's just say it was an active evening at my house!
I ended up dragging out the extra queen-sized mattress into the living room for the dogs, complete with an old comforter, and I laid on the sofa to watch tv finally.
Amber showed up at 2 am to get the dogs, told me not to even ask, and it had been the worst night of her life.
I just gave her a big hug and she left with the dogs. I drifted right back to sleep after she left.
Coffee's on, the sun is shining, and I'm going to get a bit of badly needed housework done today.
I spent the night watching scary movies online via my NetFlix account, and doing puzzles. It was very relaxing.
I had both of Amber's dogs for the night as her ABF's employer was hosting their annual Christmas party over at a posh hotel in Wichita (complete with rooms for all the couples for the night). Let's just say it was an active evening at my house!
I ended up dragging out the extra queen-sized mattress into the living room for the dogs, complete with an old comforter, and I laid on the sofa to watch tv finally.
Amber showed up at 2 am to get the dogs, told me not to even ask, and it had been the worst night of her life.
I just gave her a big hug and she left with the dogs. I drifted right back to sleep after she left.
Coffee's on, the sun is shining, and I'm going to get a bit of badly needed housework done today.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
(((((((((((((((((((Dev)))))))))))))))))))
The connection between money woes and my self-esteem is very, very strong and I am very fragile when I am in financial distress, or need to ask for help with money from ANYONE because there is always that danger of them wounding me with harsh words when I am so vulnerable.
You've been taking some hits lately....hope you can find some comfort and peace for yourself today!!! I am glad you have fur babies because they don't let you completely isolate!!
Peace-
B
The connection between money woes and my self-esteem is very, very strong and I am very fragile when I am in financial distress, or need to ask for help with money from ANYONE because there is always that danger of them wounding me with harsh words when I am so vulnerable.
You've been taking some hits lately....hope you can find some comfort and peace for yourself today!!! I am glad you have fur babies because they don't let you completely isolate!!
Peace-
B
Rising from the Ashes
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Republic of Texas
Posts: 451
Freedom, :ghug3 I'm glad that you chose to make a thread about your urge to isolate and internalize instead of "curling up on your sofa in a ball and internalize your crap for God knows how long".
Unfortuntely, both of my parents are deceased, and I'm not close to other family members. My DDH was active duty in the military for 21 years. I have moved around the country and in Japan during his tour. So my DDH and my children are my only family. Along the way I was able to pick up close military friends, but those friendships never last. So I'm basically by myself right now!
You wrote "He has zero concept of what living with disabilities is like, including chronic pain 24/7." Unfortunately, I do KNOW now after my stroke. It sucks!
I, in fact, did lay in bed for a few days isolating, and I, almost hoped to become depressed enough that I wouldn't care any more. One night my DDH had applied enough Hot'n Icy on him that it fumigated the entire master bedroom. I felt like I was suffocating. My inner self was telling me to get out of the bedroom, so I went downstairs to the living room and slept on the sofa for a few days.
I didn't like the point of depression I was headed for, so I've gotten involved with upholstering some of my furniture for Christmas. My Momma always told me that idle hands are the works of the devil.
Never waste a single moment
Looking back to all that has gone
Instead focus on the future
That you may now build upon.
Don't anguish with regret
Throughout every single day
About anything you did
Or over things you didn't say.
Instead reach out for the stars
Shining brightly in the sky
And they'll bring to life a magic
As each day goes passing by.
They will help to guide you
Along the path that lies ahead
So that you'll never waken
With a sense of fear or dread.
So make a promise to yourself
That you'll make a brand new start
And keep these words of wisdom
Closely in your heart.
*********
Unfortuntely, both of my parents are deceased, and I'm not close to other family members. My DDH was active duty in the military for 21 years. I have moved around the country and in Japan during his tour. So my DDH and my children are my only family. Along the way I was able to pick up close military friends, but those friendships never last. So I'm basically by myself right now!
You wrote "He has zero concept of what living with disabilities is like, including chronic pain 24/7." Unfortunately, I do KNOW now after my stroke. It sucks!
I, in fact, did lay in bed for a few days isolating, and I, almost hoped to become depressed enough that I wouldn't care any more. One night my DDH had applied enough Hot'n Icy on him that it fumigated the entire master bedroom. I felt like I was suffocating. My inner self was telling me to get out of the bedroom, so I went downstairs to the living room and slept on the sofa for a few days.
I didn't like the point of depression I was headed for, so I've gotten involved with upholstering some of my furniture for Christmas. My Momma always told me that idle hands are the works of the devil.
Never waste a single moment
Looking back to all that has gone
Instead focus on the future
That you may now build upon.
Don't anguish with regret
Throughout every single day
About anything you did
Or over things you didn't say.
Instead reach out for the stars
Shining brightly in the sky
And they'll bring to life a magic
As each day goes passing by.
They will help to guide you
Along the path that lies ahead
So that you'll never waken
With a sense of fear or dread.
So make a promise to yourself
That you'll make a brand new start
And keep these words of wisdom
Closely in your heart.
*********
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