the craziness...

Old 12-18-2010, 12:24 PM
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the craziness...

I usually post on the f&f substance board, but seems there are more spouses on this one! Anyway, my AH is a heavy drinker along with his substance issues, so...

Long story short, he moved out last Friday after a filed a temp order to stay in the home with the kids, etc (part of an overall legal separation filed). He also was given supervised visitation which I set up to occur every other weekend at his parents house. So this is the first weekend on my own. Feels very weird.

He is staying at a friends because at the moment he has no money and not many options. I took the kids to his parents last night and left by 7:00p (AH was not there yet). He stayed until kids went to bed I guess, then left. Today he has been working most of the day. He called me a bit ago to ask about my sister making cookies with my neice and my son was invited. I told him that I felt son should be with him and I had no issue with him missing the cookie thing. Then AH announces that he has plans tonight! So, despite the fact he despises my sister he is probably going to let son go there (which is fine really cause son loves his aunt and likes to dec cookies). I asked what plans and he said a Christmas party. Stupid me couldn't stop there and asked if it was at so and so's house and he said no. Flat. So I dropped it there but couldn't help having a massive rush of feelings!!!

So all week he was chronically depressed, I got a variety of sorted txts from him; "you're selfish, awful" to "goodnight", one night at 4am even sent me a suicidal text! Missed his kids something awful, etc. Yet, now it is a full weekend he could have with them, but he chooses to work during the day today (didn't work much all week it seems -he's self employed), and now has plans tonight!!! I would think a person would cancel plans if they only get so much time with their kids.

I'm sad for my kids.
I'm disgusted at him.
I'm sick in my stomach that despite being a married man (I know, we are separated), that he gets to party at some obscure party. Who knows who or what will be going on there.

I wish I had a party to go to tonight! But I'm choosing to try and get my Christmas shopping done so MY KIDS have a good Christmas.

UGH...I wasn't prepared for this so soon...and hope I have the guts to get on with my life as he seems so happy to do for himself. This has really got me. Why????

Thanks for letting me vent!
AS
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Old 12-18-2010, 01:00 PM
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He is who he is...

...and you already know that. That's why you are getting divorced. Expecting him to be anything other than that, children or not, and trying to get him to do what you want him to do is a complete waste of your energy. Has it every changed anything? Does guilt and anger get him to do anything?

I ask because your story sounds so similar to mine with my wife. I was feeling crazy because I was crazy. I would actually try to reason with an alcoholic! I actually thought I could guilt her into being a good mother and/or being sober. Good God.

May I suggest that you find and attend at least six Al-Anon meetings, some different, and see what is there for you? It saved my life. It can improve yours and, by extension, that of your children. It will certainly help you get on with your life.

As for your husband? Let him go and stop trying to control him, even in the name of your children. He's a grown man, and he'll just have to figure out things on his own, and without you. Rationalizing with him, arguing, and attempting to control his behavior is a monumental waste of time and will just make things worse in my opinion.

It's about you and your kids now, so good luck to you all.

Take what you want and leave the rest.

Cyranoak


Originally Posted by angelstory View Post
I usually post on the f&f substance board, but seems there are more spouses on this one! Anyway, my AH is a heavy drinker along with his substance issues, so...

Long story short, he moved out last Friday after a filed a temp order to stay in the home with the kids, etc (part of an overall legal separation filed). He also was given supervised visitation which I set up to occur every other weekend at his parents house. So this is the first weekend on my own. Feels very weird.

He is staying at a friends because at the moment he has no money and not many options. I took the kids to his parents last night and left by 7:00p (AH was not there yet). He stayed until kids went to bed I guess, then left. Today he has been working most of the day. He called me a bit ago to ask about my sister making cookies with my neice and my son was invited. I told him that I felt son should be with him and I had no issue with him missing the cookie thing. Then AH announces that he has plans tonight! So, despite the fact he despises my sister he is probably going to let son go there (which is fine really cause son loves his aunt and likes to dec cookies). I asked what plans and he said a Christmas party. Stupid me couldn't stop there and asked if it was at so and so's house and he said no. Flat. So I dropped it there but couldn't help having a massive rush of feelings!!!

So all week he was chronically depressed, I got a variety of sorted txts from him; "you're selfish, awful" to "goodnight", one night at 4am even sent me a suicidal text! Missed his kids something awful, etc. Yet, now it is a full weekend he could have with them, but he chooses to work during the day today (didn't work much all week it seems -he's self employed), and now has plans tonight!!! I would think a person would cancel plans if they only get so much time with their kids.

I'm sad for my kids.
I'm disgusted at him.
I'm sick in my stomach that despite being a married man (I know, we are separated), that he gets to party at some obscure party. Who knows who or what will be going on there.

I wish I had a party to go to tonight! But I'm choosing to try and get my Christmas shopping done so MY KIDS have a good Christmas.

UGH...I wasn't prepared for this so soon...and hope I have the guts to get on with my life as he seems so happy to do for himself. This has really got me. Why????

Thanks for letting me vent!
AS
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Old 12-18-2010, 02:36 PM
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I've been divorced 4+ years now. My axw is on her 2nd or 3rd live-in boyfriend, the first of which was within 2 months of the end of our 13 yr marriage. She actually began "dating" during the last few months before the end (not the live in guy.....busy, busy!). Nice. Turns out she'd been "dating" most of our relationship.

Alcoholics need enablers, I quit enabling, so she simply found a "new" one, then another and another, when each previous one was fed up. The cheating during the marriage did bother me, I felt stupid (even though I wasn't the one cheating) but once she wasn't my problem any more.....whatever, knock yourself out. Thanks for that HP.

I know it hurts like hell at first, but eventually I came to see that it wasn't really anything personal, as trite and ridiculous as that sounds right now. It's pretty standard operating procedure, as far as what alcoholics do.

I consider myself very lucky to be out of that deal, and even feel kind of sorry for this new guy. Better him than me.

I'm still single and have no intention of dating till I finish the 12 steps, and till my 9yo daughter is old enough to "be embarrassed" by me. I've decided that since her mom abandoned her for a bottle of wine years ago, she doesn't need her "other" parent abandoning her as well. You see I have a tendency to "lose myself" in women, not going to risk that again till I get healthier.

Letting an active alcoholic "go" was the right thing for me to do, especially with a minor child in the mix. Her mom wasn't/isn't setting a very good example, and due to my own craziness, neither was I. I think we're better now.

Al-Anon helped me a lot, also a counselor for LMC (Little Miss Coyote). Of course SR too.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
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Old 12-18-2010, 08:40 PM
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Angelstory remember that......An expectation is a premeditated resentment......The higher the expectations, the lower the serenity. I try to keep my boundaries high, my expectations low, and my heart open......When I blame someone else for something, I give up my power to them......I remove the other person’s dignity if I try to make their decisions for them......It is futile to spend time trying to figure out what makes some one else tick......Learn to give from my overflow rather that from my reserve. This is self care, we learn to let go of burdens we were never meant to carry. Learn to ask, “What is the best thing for me?” ......Any time I am in resentment, I am not taking care of myself. I am blaming someone else for something I need to do......Learn to live with the “disease” that comes when you stop something and practice new behavior, the feelings will pass......Anger can be constructive in telling me that someone else is stepping on some boundaries that I need to enforce......The only difference between stumbling blocks and stepping stones is in how you use them......Only God can turn a mess into a message.

Love and Peace,

Phoenix
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Old 12-18-2010, 11:25 PM
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The week or two before our court date earlier this month, I felt so strong, so ready to move on come heck or high water. AND it took all the courage I could muster to actually go through with it so I was riding on that as well. Now, he has been gone from the house 1 week and 1 day and I feel like I'm back to where I was when I was riding the roller coaster with him and his addicted lifestyle...exhausted from trying to keep the fort up, work and kids cared for. Somehow I have backslid. It is as if I have made no progress at all

Maybe it is a phase I'm going through. Maybe it's normal to be where I'm at right now. Of course, being so close to the holidays is not helping me either. I am also not taking too good of care of myself. My mind is a mess all the time, total extremes.

This is just simply not what I wanted, not where I ever imagined I'd be at this stage in my life. And having been the child of an alcoholic who died from it (when I was 19), my kids having to possibly endure that life simply tears me up to bits. I guess I need to get back to working on acceptance...again. Did I ever really grasp it or did it slip through my hands. I just don't know.

Thanks everyone for all the words of wisdom. I need them bad.
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