help again on why he acts/thinks the way he does
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 181
help again on why he acts/thinks the way he does
My AH always seemed to need me so bad and now he doesn't contact me at all unless it is about money or our son. His short texts and emails I think are because his sister is a divorce lawyer and advised him not to write too much. I know he is a man who doesn't deal with emotions like women do, but I thought he would may be want to try to be together or see how I am feeling, but he doesn't. Maybe he never really loved me. I don't even know what I want to know sometimes, I mean I want to know if he still loves me and if there is a chance that we might work on things and I know I don't ask because I fear rejection, so maybe in my heart I know the answer already. I just miss him, some parts of who he is, not the alcoholism. I barely made it through school today, our last day for two weeks which is a blessing, without crying. It is like a death in so many ways. I just want to talk to him. I need to concentrate on me.
Wish I had all the answers.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
I don't even know what I want to know sometimes, I mean I want to know if he still loves me and if there is a chance that we might work on things and I know I don't ask because I fear rejection, so maybe in my heart I know the answer already.
Do you have anyone to talk to?
A counselor or therapist? It helped me so much to get out of my own head.
I was swimming in pain and regret and sorrow. The therapist helped me get out of my own way.
You can do this, I think you have already done the hard part.
Beth
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 181
yes, I see my counselor on Tuesday. Is a therapist better? Sometimes I feel like I am just filling her in and she tells me I am doing everything right. Thanks everyone, I needed to be reminded to take care of me. But he is not the kind of person to take the lead. I would have to be the one to initiate anything, except sex that is. This is such a roller coaster I am on as many of you are too, this time is just harder it seems. I am not feeling joy about anything, even the gifts I am buying for my son, which gets me excited usually.
Rising from the Ashes
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Republic of Texas
Posts: 451
jackthedog, 
you wrote "It is like a death in so many ways." You ARE going through the normal process of grieving. You are grieving the loss of your relationship with your husband. It’s never easy when a marriage or other significant relationship ends. The breakup of a marriage can turn your whole world upside down and trigger all sorts of painful and unsettling feelings. A divorce is painful because it represents the loss, not just of the relationship, but also of your dreams and commitments. When these relationships fail, we experience profound disappointment, stress, and grief. Everything is disrupted!
Recovering from a breakup or divorce is difficult. Recognize that it’s OK to have different feelings. It’s normal to feel sad, angry, exhausted, frustrated and confused—and these feelings can be intense. Don’t fight your feelings – It’s normal to have lots of ups and downs, and feel many conflicting emotions. Accept that reactions like these will lessen over time. It’s important to identify and acknowledge these feelings. Even if the marriage was unhealthy, venturing into the unknown is frightening. Give yourself a break. Give yourself permission to feel the pain. Take time to heal, regroup and re-energize.
However, it’s important to know, and to keep reminding yourself, that you can and will move on, but healing takes time, so be patient with yourself. Expressing your feelings will liberate you in a way. Getting stuck in hurtful feelings will rob you of valuable energy and prevent you from healing and moving forward. Remind yourself that you still have a future.
In times of emotional crisis, there is an opportunity to grow and learn. Consider this a time for sowing the seeds for new growth. You can emerge from this experience knowing yourself better and feeling stronger!
Don’t go through this alone. Sharing your feelings during this difficult time is necessary as part of your healing process. Attend as many Ala-non meetings as possible and keep active here on SR.
Love and Peace,
Phoenix
Just my personal opinion. Take what you like and leave the rest.
you wrote "It is like a death in so many ways." You ARE going through the normal process of grieving. You are grieving the loss of your relationship with your husband. It’s never easy when a marriage or other significant relationship ends. The breakup of a marriage can turn your whole world upside down and trigger all sorts of painful and unsettling feelings. A divorce is painful because it represents the loss, not just of the relationship, but also of your dreams and commitments. When these relationships fail, we experience profound disappointment, stress, and grief. Everything is disrupted! Recovering from a breakup or divorce is difficult. Recognize that it’s OK to have different feelings. It’s normal to feel sad, angry, exhausted, frustrated and confused—and these feelings can be intense. Don’t fight your feelings – It’s normal to have lots of ups and downs, and feel many conflicting emotions. Accept that reactions like these will lessen over time. It’s important to identify and acknowledge these feelings. Even if the marriage was unhealthy, venturing into the unknown is frightening. Give yourself a break. Give yourself permission to feel the pain. Take time to heal, regroup and re-energize.
However, it’s important to know, and to keep reminding yourself, that you can and will move on, but healing takes time, so be patient with yourself. Expressing your feelings will liberate you in a way. Getting stuck in hurtful feelings will rob you of valuable energy and prevent you from healing and moving forward. Remind yourself that you still have a future.
In times of emotional crisis, there is an opportunity to grow and learn. Consider this a time for sowing the seeds for new growth. You can emerge from this experience knowing yourself better and feeling stronger!
Don’t go through this alone. Sharing your feelings during this difficult time is necessary as part of your healing process. Attend as many Ala-non meetings as possible and keep active here on SR.
Love and Peace,
Phoenix
Just my personal opinion. Take what you like and leave the rest.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 390
jack, I have to say I am in the same boat as you! So crazy how this story gets played out so often everwhere. My AH and I separated about a week ago, only in my case I had to go the legal route to make it happen. I have only filed for legal separation, but who knows where it will lead as AH is still unwilling to accept he is addicted to alcohol and substances and still likes to blame me for all of this. It is a horrible position to be in. We have been married 18 years and this will be our first Christmas apart. We have two kids 8 and 6 and it breaks my heart so much. I can't believe this had to all come to a head at this time of year.
In the back of my head I hoped my actions would be a wake up call for him, yet it seems it has just solidified the demise of our relationship. Right now he hates me and thinks I am an evil, selfish person (I went through with a temporary order as part of the sep, which is not final yet, and he had to leave the home and now has supervised visitation). He has no money, and basically no place right now, he is staying with a friend. It is so sad...as I never wanted this. But I also don't want to live in the circumstances we have been living in for the past several years. It is no way to live. I know we both deserve better, as do our children. I wonder myself if he still loves me, is there anything there at all? I always thought we would grow old together - we basically grew up together. He is all I know really and the thought of starting over is very daunting to me.
Someone recently talked to me about her brother's issue with drugs and told me to forget trying to make any sense of this because it won't happen. She said she wracked her brain so hard trying to understand her brother. That was helpful to hear as I do this all the time, trying to figure out what the heck is going on in his brain! I can't make any sense of it at all.
Don't feel like your counseling isn't helping. It may seem like all he/she is doing is listening, but I do think there is a lot to be gained by just getting it all out to an unbiased party. It also allows us to "process" what is going on.
We just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other...just keep moving forward. It is sooooo hard, I completely understand what you are going through because I'm right there with you!
****{HUGS}}} to you.
In the back of my head I hoped my actions would be a wake up call for him, yet it seems it has just solidified the demise of our relationship. Right now he hates me and thinks I am an evil, selfish person (I went through with a temporary order as part of the sep, which is not final yet, and he had to leave the home and now has supervised visitation). He has no money, and basically no place right now, he is staying with a friend. It is so sad...as I never wanted this. But I also don't want to live in the circumstances we have been living in for the past several years. It is no way to live. I know we both deserve better, as do our children. I wonder myself if he still loves me, is there anything there at all? I always thought we would grow old together - we basically grew up together. He is all I know really and the thought of starting over is very daunting to me.
Someone recently talked to me about her brother's issue with drugs and told me to forget trying to make any sense of this because it won't happen. She said she wracked her brain so hard trying to understand her brother. That was helpful to hear as I do this all the time, trying to figure out what the heck is going on in his brain! I can't make any sense of it at all.
Don't feel like your counseling isn't helping. It may seem like all he/she is doing is listening, but I do think there is a lot to be gained by just getting it all out to an unbiased party. It also allows us to "process" what is going on.
We just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other...just keep moving forward. It is sooooo hard, I completely understand what you are going through because I'm right there with you!
****{HUGS}}} to you.
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