Buffalo66

We have not made any solid plans.
We usually will go to my moms, then to his family gathering for the late afternoon, evening...
She has not called or contacted me since her tirade.
He has not spoken to her either.
A saw his dad, who said she said nothing about it, and she may be going through menopause.

I feel like I want an apology. I know it was unfair, but I also realize she may still think she was "putting me in my place" even though I solicited nothing, sought no advice.

The things she said were harsh, uncouth, mean, and uninformed.

I tried to talk to A about my concerns for Christmas, and he just says I am smarter and more evolved than her, that I can figure out how to rise above it. She is 56 years old, he says, she probably isnt going to change today or tomorrow.

My son has started asking what happened to Grandma. She usually takes him every Saturday, but hasnt seen him for a month.

I wont reach out to her. MAybe that is too proud?

YEs, I can probably just take the high road, assume she has her own issues, suck it up, and smile "for the cameras.."
I kind of dont want to. But I wont ruin my sons Christmas over this.

As far as A goes, he and I looked over some photos a few nights ago, from over the years. He was kind of confused about some of them, could not remember a lot. I had to tell him how some of thoae events played out. He was upset that he had missed so much, and I became stirred up, feeling angry about some of the days where there were lies and other crap going on amidst all the showy photos...

HE cried, after going to a meeting. He said he was so sorry he left me alone to do it all for so long, he says he knows how much he is in deficit, and he is doing his best to make amends in action, not just words. He is back working full time, only been 4 daysso far, but he likes it.

He also said, "I want you to know I am aware that you have given me a chance, here. I want you to know you are helping me save my own life."

I find myself numb when he says these things. I dont know if he wants me to jump for joy, or just take it in. BUt I feel numb.

I dont know how to approach the MIL thing. She was my friend, and a great support. She was there from day one, kind of trying to make up for her poor parenting, i guess. I am angry and also kind of sad.

I do not want her to walk away thinking that her behavior was just "OK..whatever..."
ANy thoughts?

JenT1968

I have no good advice, I am useless at this sort of thing, just wanted to let you know that I hear you, I'd want an apology too after the things she said.

oh and also to laugh slightly at this:

because 56 is SOOO OLD!

coyote21

I'd hope to take the high road, probably wouldn't, but I know it'd be best, if I could manage to do that.

I'd also sharpen my tongue, and if she EVER tried to talk to me like that again, I'd use it to cut her off at the knees.

But then I am pretty feeble, what with being 58 and all! HA!

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

transformyself

I"m confused about how someone that has been a friend and great support could have behaved the way you described to us, but you know how the internet is. We can only see what you type and that ain't the half of it, usually. I find myself frustrated that folks don't know what I'm not telling them here.

If that makes any sense.

I would focus on my own recovery and stay the hell away from her for a long while. Her
"tirade," as you call it would have been a huge problem for me. And for me, personally, I have to stay away from people who are verbally abusive long enough to be able to sort it out. You may have already done that, calmed down, processed etc. That whole NC thing, I think that's what I'm trying to say. I would not be able to be civil to her until I sorted it out for myself.

It sounds like your marriage needs some healing space as well. I would NOT want that woman near me or my husband while we were trying to heal. I'd call her a liability to my marriage and sanity. She sounds very codependent and supportive of your husbands insanity.

But, that's me. You may be able to speak your truth, kindly draw a boundary and move forward.

Hope none of this stuff comes off as bossy or judgemental, I'm having one of those days...

wicked

Yes, of course that makes sense to me transform.
But, I had the same question too.
My mother in law was mad at me for about twenty minutes during her son and I getting a divorce, since I was the sober one she knew she could count on me for visits with her grandchildren, picking them up when I say, all that stuff a responsible parent does.

Yes, I agree with Lakota woman, stay away until you can talk to her. (if that ever happens, she could just be scared right now) But if she is entrenched in her thinking like a mother can be about her son, (and I know both sides of that one) you will not be letting her get away with anything. She is living with her thoughts, and if you try to make her "see" what you consider the "truth" it will only make it harder.

Okay, that whole last paragraph was my experience.
I stayed away until she got sensible, and saw what was really happening.
I was not going to convince her she was wrong about her favorite son.
You have no control here, none.

Beth

Thumper

I'm not sure what to say in terms of advice so I'll share.

I have a relative that is prone to epic meltdowns. All kinds of stuff pours from her mouth.

If the unfortunate recipient stays away from her long enough for her to cool down and think things through (which can take some time) she almost always see's the wrongness and apologizes. Corner her about it and she digs in her heels.

I can't tell from what you write but it sounds like your MIL has not always been toxic. My relative is not a toxic person in general either. At least I say that but what the heck do I know, I might not be a good judge of that (probably not actually).

naive

hi buffalo-

personally, i'm trying to remove toxic people from my life. i'm also trying ask myself "what do i want?" and then doing it. i'm really done suffering at the hands of dysfunctional people. i'm also done molly cuddling them. i don't think the "high road" is to continually sacrifice ourselves to emotional infants. i'm done with all the temper tantrums, undeserved verbal lashing and lack of contriteness on their part.

buddha said "better to be alone than in the company of fools." i've been reflecting on that statement a lot lately.

really, she is an adult and now she has extended her tantrum onto her grandson. so what is that? she's punishing him to get back at you?

so, buffalo, what do you want?

if it was me, i would skip the event and let RAH go with son and enjoy some nice peaceful time with people i actually want to be with or alone relaxing and being good to myself.

i think this establishes a boundary, as in "if you verbally abuse me, i will remove myself from your presence".

just my opinion. as cyranoak says, take what you want and leave the rest.

naive

coyote21

I have been removing toxic/difficult/addicted people from my life too. It's so much easier now without even ever having to ask questions like "how do I handle so an so" and their stuff.

I have been surrounding myself with more healthy people, and guess what, they don't have this kind of stuff.

All very wise suggestions from Niave.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

Buffalo66

I am at a cafe for a few minutes, ur internet went out due to a storm a few days ago. No sign of it, yet. I am able to read the responses on my phone, though. Just want to say thanks, very thoughtful responses.

I will make a boundary. She wants to see our son this week, maybe she will address the issue?

I have no control over what others say, do, or chosse to think. I only control myself and my own sanity.

Thanks, gotta fly, B66