sesh

Hi my dear friends,
just wanted to share some things that were happening lately in my life. It hasn't been a long time since you last heard from me, but a lot of things have changed for the better, so I just wanted to let you in on what is going on. And this time it is all good news.
I guess except from this one: AH is still drinking and on the path to kill himself, but than again that is hardly the news. Since my last thread things rapidly progressed for the worse, and I finally decided to take naive's advice and find AH a flat. He moved out some 10 days ago. In the meantime I aslo found out he has a girlfriend for awhile now, and he has been cheating on me since the begining of our marriage. As hard as that was to take in, as I didn't really know it, I suspected it sometimes, but I always believed him that he loved me and can't be with anyone but me (I know, don't say anything...), the main feeling I had was a feeling of relief and freedom. My love for him simply died, I understood I don't know this man I've spent last 13 years of my life with, I never knew him, the person I loved existed only in my head. Hard to admit but so liberating.
So, now I feel great, my kids are doing great, all 3 of us are enjoying the peace and quiet of our home. Sometimes I get angry with myself for being so stupid all these years, but I let that emotion pass through me strongly and quickly. I think of all the things I have learned here, and most of all I'm remembering I AM RIGHT WHERE I NEED TO BE. In my relationship with AH I have lost bits of my soul, but it has also brought me to the path to recovery and I also gained a lot. I know I am much wiser and much better person today.
Also, very important, and I know this is very quick and unexpected but I met someone, someone that is great, someone that has everything that I needed in a man for years. He doens't drink at all!!!! He is the most honest, straight forward person I've ever met. So, yes I am in love. I don't believe it myself. I mean I'm not here planning our life together, but I'm just simply enjoying this moment of my life. I feel alive again, and I'll tell you it was about time. I don't know what will become of this, is it only a rebound thing, but I don't care, for once I'm letting my hair down and enjoying myself.
I told my 12 yo DD about it, as I wanted to know how she feels about it, and she told me she is very glad for me, as she believes I deserve so much better than her dad. She said she couldn't stand watching me be so miserable because of him all this time, and that she is really happy to see me happy now. She really surprised me with this, I was afraid how would she feel about it. So my new friend comes over and he plays and talks to my kids and they really like him. I just feel so grateful for this, I keep saying: Dear HP thank you for giving me back my life.

So, this is my new update. I am done with AH, it still hurts a bit when I think about it, but that is part of the grieving process I guess, but more importantly I'm starting to live again, I feel like a woman again, I am happy to be alive again and I am so grateful for my life as it is, all the good and bad things that have ever happen to me, as because of it all I am at this beautiful, serene, calm place right now. Life is truly a miracle, and I will never doubt my HP again.

I want so much to share my happiness with you, to touch you all with it, to imprint it in your lives, to remind you to let go and let HP, as if you do you'll find out it has many great things instored for you.

love
Sesh

Jazzman

Woah.. sorry to hear that. Time to move on.

Woah... in the same post? That's gotta be a record!

Hey life's too short I say. I'm gonna spend my kids inheritance on dive trips so I get the whole life's too short thing... I really do.

naive

dear sesh-

i was just washing some dishes in the kitchen and you came to my mind. i was just going to PM you when your post came thru.

i'm delighted that things have shifted for you and you and your children have some peace in your home.

you deserve all the good things that are coming your way.

thanks for the update,
naive x

coyote21

Dear Sesh,
My special friend, I am very happy to hear that you are so happy.

I had to smile a Jazzman's reaction above, mine was pretty similar, Ha!

We love you.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

nodaybut2day

Dear sesh,
I'm SO happy to hear that your life has taken this positive turn. Enjoy yourself!

TakingCharge999

I REALLY needed to read this today . Thank you sesh. How wonderful. Yes, I also get the incredible gratitude sensation at my enlightened times. Thank you for sharing your message of hope. Wonderful your kids approve of this person. It is incredible to start trusting someone again, after you've been betrayed. Hugs your way!!

RollTide

I'm very happy for you, friend. You have been through so much and have handled it with grace and dignity. You deserve this happiness!

Thank you for the update.

lulu1974

Dear Sesh,
I do believe you were given the information you needed to let go. Now its about you and the kids. I know it hurts but its much worse when you are in the dark and have gut feelings. Now you know. And you have taken the necessary steps. Good for you. Just prepare yourself as they ALWAYS get a moment of clarity and want to come back and say the things they know you want to hear. So take a moment to think about what your plan will be if that happens.

Stay strong!!! Good for you..

Hugs,

Lulu

wicked

TC, soon you will be the enlightened master, I believe in you.

Sesh,
are you trying to say that there are good men in your part of the world?
dang it.
I am so happy for you.

Beth

sesh

Thank you guys so much for being happy for me.
It is almost funny how you can spend years in misery and than all of sudden it just goes away and you embrace life, and everything seems simple. I understand now that the main thing that had me stuck all these years, most than anything else it was rationalizing, my need to make sense of everything and understand everything.

AH is moving out of town, supposedly today. That is a very good news, as there will be no more danger of kids seeing him drunk on the streets, and once he is away from here people will eventually stop talking about it too. I don't know where is he going, somewhere up North I guess, but that is none of my business. I don't know what will become of him, I guess the most likely scenario is that he is going to die some time soon, but despite all the things he did I still hope that somehow one day he'll see the light and change his life, for the sake of our kids and for his own sake. I feel good that I'm able to feel this and not wish him ill, as I don't want to spend my life carrying bitterness in my heart. I'm letting go and my heart is light, as I know I did everyhing I could, I was a good wife to him, I was a great frined to him, I don't have any guilt, it is only that now I know there is nothing left I can or want to do for him, I just want to have myself and my life back.
He gave the letter today, it was full of lies and nonsense and declaring his undieing love for me. I only felt sadness for him and empathy. I feel proud of myself for it, it tells me I'm doing a good job, and my recovery is true.
Well, life is really something, isn't it?
You never know what might happen next, you just have to learn to stop fighting it and start trusting it. Only than you can see what a miracle life really is.

naive

that's great news that he's leaving, sesh. although mine was always leaving and then never quite managed it. well, he would leave but then the typical alcohol stuff happened and he'd end up broke, living in his car, no money and then back here in the town.

i'm glad you are not falling for his melodramatics but don't be surprised if he's back very quickly. if they are actively drinking, they don't seem to be able to cope on their own, unless they secure a new enabler.

it might be wise to have formulated a plan in case he shows up in a bad state at your door in the near future. what will you do? how will you handle it? that way, when he re-appears, you will know what to do and not be caught of guard, immediately sympathetic and open up your home to him again.

naive x

coyote21

I feel so blessed that my axw moved 4 hours away from us. I look at it as truly one of HP's most precious gifts to LMC and me.

Life is good and full of miracles isn't it.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

fourmaggie

I am so glad to hear this! back on track....I was wondering if you will be taking up AL ANON still and the kids AL ATEEN...this is a disease that effects everyone...and is NOT to be taken lightly...

welcome to the dating game!! glad you have a fine gentleman to see a different world out there! enjoy what life gives you....

sesh

Hi guys,
it's been few days since my last post. AH did move away, up North, 5 hours drive from here. He still phones me or texts me sometimes, he keeps saying he loves me, he never cheated on me, and he doesn't drink. That is so crazy that it almost makes me laugh. But it hurts in the same time too. Yesterday he phoned me and told me: Just so you know I plan on coming back home and seeing kids. I expalined he can see kids any time he wants (if kids want that too) but only if he is sober, and he can't come back home since this is not his home any more. I said I payed a month rent for the flat for you and you moved out of there after 10 days. He said it is all about money for you, money is not important, I love you and I miss you.... Yeah, right!

I know I should go NC with him, but it is hard for me to do so, as I'm worried he might be dieing and wanting to say final goodby. When he texts me I don't respond, but when he phones I never manage to not answer. Well, maybe I'll get there in time.

Also, I'm not ever taking him back, my mind is set on that, I'm prepared he might likely show up at my door at some point, but I'm nowhere close to caving in.

I'm still very much enjoying my relationship with my new friend. He is so nice and loving, but I'm beginning to have some mixed feelings. I don't know why, is it only because this was too soon, or much worse: because I'm so hooked up on dysfunctional, addicted dynamics that I'm not able to appreciate fully a nice, loving relationship and thus I feel that something is missing. I find this quite worrying. But the time will tell.
I guess I'm thinking too much, which proves it once again I'm not a normie, not even close to one. But who knows maybe one of these days I will acctually start breating again and truly enjoying my life, without constantly expecting some major catastrophy to happen in any given time.
God, relationships with A's damage us so much, I sometimes worry will I ever be able to heal truly, or I'm to stay broken forever.

PS. Sorry I'm in a bit of a dark mood today, PMS-ing big time.

StarCat

I don't have a "real" phone, and I turned my cell phone off this morning because I don't want to talk to G, but I don't want to have to decide each time he calls whether or not I should pick up. He has a different phone ring than everyone else, so I always know when it's him, but it's so hard to just walk away and not answer... Especially since I know that his health has been horrible since August... But he always uses that against me, "I've only got a few days left and this is how you want to spend them?" I told him the alcohol is what's killing him often enough that he's saying his favorite dying catchphrase less, but nonetheless he's said it often enough I can still hear it in the back of my head when talking to him.

It's hard, isn't it? But if it were easy, we wouldn't be here. At least we've got a great bunch of people, though. (Everyone here is awesome, whether you believe me or not. *Grins*)

coffeedrinker

This is exactly how I feel as well. Oh, in the "normies" thread, I should have written that! They wouldn't understand that we can feel grateful for what has brought us to where we are today.

I am so happy for you. When I started feeling like myself again, and a separate person, then kept detaching, I would often become aware of just how ill I had become, and it was amazing.
Enjoy your romance, and if you can not "futurize", then you're doing great!

XO

StarCat

People in our situation, who take the time to figure out what's wrong and fix it, are much healthier than the average person at the end I think.

You wouldn't believe how many people never even think to look at themselves and figure out what they are doing wrong. It's not a pleasant thing to go through, certainly, but it's well-rewarding, and you meet lots of great people on the way!

catlovermi

In my experience, and also from knowledge of others, there's no question that healing can happen. But the method to do this requires one to stop the spinning to get to a state of "mental quiet," process through the damage now that some clarity can be achieved due to the quiet, and then go on to build a healthy foundation, which is active and methodical work.

CLMI