crystal226

Been really struggling lately. I "broke up" with my AH three weeks ago and declared myself single and not worrying about the relationship. I felt relief and then a week later he comes at me with a promise to change. He says he will quit drinking, work on the house chores, be better with the kids, that he is sorry, that I deserve better, etc...(basically what I wanted to hear months ago).

So far (two weeks) he has stayed sober and is working on everything I had asked previously. I am proud of him, but it has thrown me for a loop. He has been good with the kids, he has been telling me how much I mean to him, and it has been nice to see that change. Yet I find the positive change confusing, I picked a direction in my life and I choose to move on and then he FINALLY decides to do something for his life and I have been reacting to this sudden change. I have been having second thoughts and once again questioning my path. I have been trying to focus on the good and find the love again.

Despite my struggles I choose to continue staying single and told him I was doing that for at least a month while he worked on himself and then we could talk about the relationship. I told him I would consider giving him another chance and I believe he deserves it so I have been considering that, but I have held my ground and kept my distance. Meanwhile, on the inside I have felt torn and have been struggling.

Yesterday I saw my counselor (that I still think isn't amazingly helpful, but anyway) and she suggested I write down how I saw my life in ten years and to think about whether or not AH could help me get there or would hold me back. I found the exercise frustrating because whether or not he could help me get there was all about guessing at the future and about things I really don't know and can't really answer. The thing is I want to have faith that he could help me, but I don't trust him so I don't know what he is really capable of. So finally, I started to think instead of about the future and what I don't know about what I do know and I came up with a list of personal truths in this moment.

My truths about the relationship are this:
-I love my AH
-I want to be his friend
-I want to co-parent our children together
-I strive to remember the good in the last ten years and to forgive and forget the bad (I will learn from it, but let go of resentments)
-I support him in his sobriety and in his life, but I must keep a healthy distance from the process
-I do not see him as a soul mate or life partner anymore
-I do not want a romantic relationship with him
-I am ready to move forward with my life
-I want a divorce, but I am not ready to take the steps (I will let the emotions settle for a bit-- as long as that continues to be a legally safe option)
-I am ready to start moving forward with my life
-I don't see hope in restoring the relationship, but I recognize that I have the right to change my mind (this one helps me feel freer to make a decision and not so stuck in making the "perfect" decision)

Finally, I feel like I have had a break through. It is hard to see the fact that I love him and want a friendship, but that I don't want to be in a romantic relationship with him and I find it to be really sad. He is my family and that isn't going to change for me, but he just can't be my spouse. I am ready to accept the truth and quit running from it or trying to change it (what I think I have been doing the last couple weeks). It is time, tough or not to face the truth and take action and control over my life.

I do think I will wait until after Christmas as we plan on spending much of that day as a family and I don't want to ruin that for the kids, but after that no more excuses. What I need to do has become clear as day and tough as it may be it is time to follow my heart.

crystal226

Wow I just got some crazy confirmation about my decisions. Right after I wrote this I called AH's work to see when he was going to see my son today. When I got his department I was told he doesn't work for them and he hasn't been in since Saturday.

He told me last week he got written up for not going to a work meeting and was looking for another job, but wasn't going to quit until he found one. I showed up to pick up some of my things last week thinking I would have to wait for him to get home for a few minutes because I was a little early, but he was already home. I asked him about his day and about work and he said he called in for the day. He lied AGAIN to my face and has mentioned things about work a few times in the last couple days. I'll consider this a sign from God.

Thumper

What a great list of truths - the insight to identify them, the courage to acknowledge them, the conviction to honor them ----

I was reading your first post and thinking of all the times I was told to just wait - more will be revealed - and it always was - and then I read your second post. That didn't take long.

nodaybut2day

Cool. Very cool. (I'm so 80s when I say this ).

The more you wait, the more will be revealed. Gotta love HP for that.

coyote21

Isn't it bazaar how "when you're done, YOU ARE DONE", but not one nanosecond before that.

Something just shifts inside.

I'm with Thumper, you got yourself a hotline to HP.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

sturtel

As things were revealed to me (through my mailbox of all places) I heard a quote at the end of one of my TV shows. I loved it so much I wrote it on the top of my calendar for every month so I won't forget...

"Every lie has it's moment of truth."

So true. They think they are the best liars around. No one can see through them. Wrong. Everything is eventually revealed. Maybe not in the timeframe we may have liked, but it usually happens.

coyote21

Great quote, and yep, the truth always comes out eventually.

But damn, not usually in a few minutes like Crystal's! That's some powerful mojo going on over there!

My HP often smacks me in the head with things, He/She/It knows that subtle is wasted on me.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

crystal226

Just spoke with AH on the phone and I said nothing about my new information. He said he couldn't pick up the kids today he was "too busy." No idea what he is doing and don't care. Perhaps further confirmation now he is being flaky with the kids. To add to it I asked him how his day was going and he told me he "just got of work."

I agree with you all...seems like some cosmic messages are coming my way!

Wondering now, though, do I call him on his lie or just see how long it takes to come clean? The truth is it doesn't matter to me anymore and what I end up doing I am not going to let effect my truths. I was done before I even heard about it, but do I say something or keep letting him lie to me. Opinions anyone?

coyote21

Confronting an alcoholic liar won't change anything.

Besides, watching a liar dig themselves deeper and deeper has a certain entertainment value, no? Not to mention a chance to REALLY see who they are.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

sturtel

I agree. Don't call him out it. See how long he lies. It's funny how since we are honest people we assume other people are honest and can't see some of the lies we are told. I like to hang on to the ones I find out about and see how long they continue to lie and how many lies they build upon that lie. It just helps me to remember a lot of things I take as true were really lies.

Mine went around work and told everyone that he gave "his" car (the one I bought for him to drive which he had just returned to me because we broke up) to the mother of his daughters so she could get them back and forth to school. That's why he got a new car for himself. Who tells people the reason they got a new car? Oh and I guess the reason his phone was shut off the same day was so that he could give it to her as well? Oh and I guess that's also the reason he moved out of the house HE just bought this year so she could have it. hahahahahahahahah

theuncertainty

In my experience, confronting XAH when he lied will only made him

• defensive
• lie more
• give me excuses as to why the lie was not his fault, or was my fault
• deny ever having said anything remotely close to the lie, ever

I got to really see XAH's lying in action at our divorce and custody hearing and so did the judge. XAH couldn't even tell the truth to the court. I tend to take the lies very personally, but it doesn't appear to be. He just simply cannot tell the truth to any one. The judge pointed it out to him and noted that while not excusing the behavior, it is certainly a sign of addiction, which XAH did not admit to either...

wicked

I agree with Coyote.
I was lied to and had my own reality turned upside down for so long, I enjoyed watching himself dig in deeper and deeper. Yep, a certain entertainment there for sure.
Trying to find the truth will be pointless and exhausting, yep, go for the giggles.
Better for you in the long run.

Beth

crystal226

I can see where you were all coming from with the waiting it out approach and it would have been interesting to see just how far he would be willing to take his lie, but I decided I couldn't do it. I already know he is a liar and I don't really need confirmation. It felt somehow wrong to me to hold back like that and I started to feel bad about not confronting him on the phone when he called earlier. So I called him up.

I was just calling to tell him I knew he lied and wasn't happy about it, but it turned out a bit different. Wish I had prepared better and been less reactive, but I wasn't (I will strive to do better next time). I also ended up spilling my guts on some of the other truths and told him that I want his friendship and to co-parent with him, but that I didn't want a romantic relationship anymore and this dishonest just solidifies my decision. I meant to wait until after Christmas and be more formal about it, but I guess I am just not a hold back kind of person so it is what it is.

He didn't try denying it, which was good. He pointed out a lie I told two weeks ago (which by the way I fixed five minutes after--I recognized it right away and took care of it--I am not a liar) and blame shifted. He got upset about me calling him instead of talking to him in person. He feels I should "give him another chance" he is "trying" and he would think that after 10 years I would "forgive him easier." Let's see I "ruined his life" and he "doesn't even know what to think anymore."

I was proud of myself because I remained calm. I just said to him that "these are the consequences of your actions" and that I told him I would not accept anymore lies and he lied to me the next day and carried it out an entire week. I told him I would forgive him, but that I couldn't offer any more to him than friendship and if the lies continue he will lose that as well. He asked what he could do and I just said "work on yourself that is all you can do. I reserve the right to change my mind, but I have no way to tell you what that would take." I then just said I would see him when he sees the kids tomorrow and good night.

I felt really shocked after I hung up the phone. Thinking about the gravity of what I just said. I didn't intend to say it that way or so soon, but I did and I am not about to take it back...it is time, I guess there is no sense in delaying. I feel a certain sense of freedom and relief, but I also feel all the second guessing and pain looming over me. It is only a matter of time before I break down and I know I need to stay strong. The trick will be fighting with my intense desire to fix it for him and my guilt for hurting him. With my feelings of empathy and pity for him and my discomfort in his pain. I know that this time I will be strong enough though. I love him and I don't want to hurt him, but if I don't I am going to just keep hurting me and just keep disregarding my own feelings and I can't do that anymore. I love me and I need to show myself that.

I picked up a letter he wrote me the day he started his assumed "recovery" and read it. There is one line in it that reads loud and clear, "I can also make the promise that I will never lie to you again no matter how uncomfortable it may be for me..." Two lies in two weeks since he said that to me. That is some powerful stuff! Wow it has been a long day...I think rest is in order!

theuncertainty

Good for you for remaining calm and not engaging in his blame shifting and 'after 10 years....' line.

I do not consider XAH a friend, for many reasons, but even if he didn't do all of the other stuff he did, I don't think I could have kept the liar he has become as a friend. I don't like being lied to and don't find it very friendly....

You're amazingly kind. Best wishes for tomorrow.

naive

i can relate. i find it helpful to remind myself that stepping back and letting him suffer the consequences of his drinking is the most helpful thing i can do. that helps me to not interfere.

and i don't think that taking care of yourself and your children is you causing him pain. his pain is caused by his drinking. you did not cause it.

you're doing great, crystal.

Live

Crystal, I wouldn't have sat back and pretended I didn't know either. That is not my brand of honesty either and it does matter as he is also responsible for financial support of the kids.

I think I am at the point on my path where I can say things without all the emotional reactions and just address the facts.
I do know that I can only do that by maintaining my well being and a healthy distance and set of boundaries.

wishing you all the best.