mcbasox

I met my husband in The Summer of 2000. We started dating immediately. We got married in May of 2002. Summer of 2002 we moved to Wilmington. From the point of us dating until I found out I was pregnant in the fall of 2005. We drank just about every night together. It was a very rare occasion that we didn’t drink. I stopped drinking the minute I found out I was pregnant and just knew my husband would too. He didn’t. But I knew he would stop when the baby came. He didn’t. His drinking didn’t slow down and not long after I had our daughter mine picked right back up. It wasn’t long before we were back to drinking every night again. I was a fully functional alcoholic. I kept a good job. I was being a good mother (from what the world could see) nobody really knew much about me or my little secret. I made a decision in May 2008 that the drinking had to stop. My husband’s drinking was too much for me to handle. He was out of control. He drank every day sometimes throughout the entire day just to function. I did still drink myself but I was able to limit it to at night, so I felt as if I had some control. I gave him a choice to either quit drinking or leave. At that time he chose to leave. He came back home in September of 2008. It wasn’t long before I had to make him leave again because of his drinking. He left the first weekend of October 2008 and that’s when he got a DWI and that is also the same time he went into rehab. I wouldn’t pick him up from Jail until he agreed to go to rehab. After fighting and arguing over it an entire day he finally decided to go. He did the 28 day stay at rehab. I continued my life. Taking care of our daughter making sure she had everything she needed and when she went to bed each night is when I would do my drinking. My husband soon came back home and at that point I said I was going to quit drinking. If he could do it, I could do it. I really don’t even think 2 weeks went by before he started to drink again. So I started again too, (I felt like if I couldn’t beat em might as well join em) the only thing that I did different this time was he didn’t know about my drinking. I kept it a secret. I would wait for him to pass out then I would go about doing mine. This lasted an entire year. It was November of 2009 where my husband had life altering changes that have made him too scared to drink to this day. I on the other hand had continued to drink at night when the rest of my house was asleep. I was a fully functional closet alcoholic. I knew I wanted to stop but really didn’t make that initial effort till August of 2010. August 19th, 2010. I stopped. I stopped but wasn’t being honest with myself. I thought I had this thing under control when in fact alcohol controlled me. It got to a point where I was thinking about it all the time. It was consuming me even though I wasn’t consuming it. I finally gave in the urge and started to drink again November 24th. I drink the 24th, 25th, 26th and the 27th. By the time the 28th rolled around I was miserable. I was ready to give up. I knew at that very point that I had no control and that even though I didn’t lose my license, my home, my family or my job that this was my rock bottom. I no longer want to live like this. I am tired of living a lie. I am tired of the hiding and the fake smiling. I am tired of the betrayal that I constantly carry around. I know that there has to be a better life and a better way of living. I know that this journey will not be easy but it’s the only way up from here.

JackNWA

Congrats on your decision and welcome to SR. There's alot of great support and information on here. I too considered myself a fully functioning alcoholic. It wasn't until I was sober for some time that I realized how dis-functional I had become.

ru12

Hi Mc, I am new here and only 3 days sober, but I feel so much better already. There is a post here about detox and what to expect. You should probably go to your Dr. and get some meds that can help with withdrawal. I didn't but it is dangerous to do it by yourself. And I may still have issues as it is early. I may yet go to the Dr.

bettterlife4me

Welcome to SR. I know the shame of secrecy of which you speak. I too lived a double life. Fortune 20 company professional by day; professional drinker by night. It was like having 2 full-time jobs. But I quit one job 14 days ago.

I am in early recovery - only day #14 for me, but I already feel such a sense of freedom! Freedom from not having to drink every night (I thought wine was my best friend, which of course it certainly was NOT) Freedom from hangovers, an empty wallet, shame, and disgust with myself.

You will find so much support and inspiration here on SR. Click around and read, post, LIVE.

kiki5711

I knew I couldn't stop or control it any more when I started to drive every day to the first gas station that would open early enough to sell liquor. At 7am. I also thought that I was good at hiding it because I'd drink after my son went to school, my husband was asleep or I would hide out in my van, or just simply be parked in the gas station and then drive home.

I still can't believe I got that bad. I know now everyone knew, but they also knew they couldn't tell me what to do cause I'd tell them to go to hell and leave me alone.

My one week in rehab was the best vacation I had in the last 10 yrs.

trish8850

Hi, I'm new here as well. I am on day 15. I just now feel as though I'm coming out of the fog. I was miserable drinking, like everyone else. I finally got sick and tired of being sick and tired. I don't know how, but I ended up at a AA meeting on December 3rd. Got a sponsor the next day and have been treading for the last 2 weeks. You can do this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I too recommend seeing a Doctor. You don't want to relapse. Your sugar levels get all messed.
Best of luck to you. I will keep you in my prayers.
Trish

slipperyknot

Welcome Mcbasox and trish. Wow, Mc, what a great post. It certainly lays it out there. Stay on the boards, find meeting, read a lot, communicate your feelings. Good luck, being sober feels so good.

least

Welcome to the family! Lots of support and good information here. It might be a good idea to have medical help in getting thru the w/d. Be safe when getting sober.

mcbasox

I have started AA and also attend CR. Not really a fan of either but i dont know any of us that come into this saying we want to go to AA. I do think that the next person in an AA meeting that tells me "dont leave before the miracle happens" may get hit! I am really stuggling on finding a sponser. Im not real good at going to people and asking for help. So to ask a compelete strager to sponser me is terrifying. I'm not too sure i want to be there for them to say No. This is all new to me as i know it is some of you. Thanky you for all your kind words!

Dee74

Welcome mcbasox

I remember the despair of having this problem and not being able to tell anyone about it because of the shame. Reaching out is hard, but it really does make things easier

I'm not in AA or I dunno much about CR but I've heard good things about both. I'm sure you're in good hands there. I hope you can find someone you want to be your sponsor soon.

D

Dee74

Welcome to you too Trish8850

Mark75

Welcome to SR.

At your next AA meeting, when they ask if anyone has a burning desire to share... Raise your hand and tell them you are looking for a sponsor... One who can take you through the Big Book and the steps...

The miracle happens along the way, but you have to take certain steps...

Keep coming back!!

MsCooterBrown

Hi Mc! Hi Trish! Welcome. I was a full blown in your face alcoholic..Ran around alot. Never home. Then it progressed..drank so much I couldn't leave the house..developed a fear of the cops! Grounded myself to my house. Crazy time..I did it for years. Kept a full time job thru it all. I married my drinking husband and together we really kicked it up a notch. Got divorced..got back together..carried on ..finally I got sick of it. We were never on the same page with the drinking ..how much..when..go out..stay home..when to go home..there was so much beer in the fridge that we had no room for food. Didn't eat much either. Long story short..I got sick of it. I realized that this was a "me" deal to get sober..not a "we" deal. We threw in the towel. It was the hardest and yet the best choice..I quit. I found SR and the people here are so supportive. I feel a new sense of peace..I have been working alot on myself and trying to be the best person I can be. I owe that to a few people. It takes some time..But I will keep moving forward. The people close to me know I quit drinking..the others don't matter. I didn't tell everyone right from the start..that is where SR was such a great support system for me. But now..I don't think of it as a charactor flaw. It just took me a long time to realize how messed up I was. Welcome and I do wish you well!

Hevyn

Thanks for a great post - it's wonderful to have you here. You too, Trish.

I drank almost all day, every day in the end. I could never have it out of my system or I'd withdraw. I got to the point where it was never fun or relaxing - only something I felt I had to do. I'm not sure when it stopped being enjoyable, but it was many years ago. It's so sad that we keep insisting on drinking long after it stops making us feel good. I was afraid to see what life would be like without it - was convinced I needed it to make it through the day. All the misery and hell I caused myself - for what? It's much harder to hide it and lie about it - we make our lives so complicated. I'm glad you've realized this, and are on your way to a happier life. I'm sure your daughter will benefit from this decision, too. Congratulations!

Anna

Welcome!

I can sure relate to the obsessive thinking. I had little else on my mind for such a long time. It was really a relief to finally just stop drinking.

pascal

Day 45 here: I too was a closet alcoholic. Sobriety has been so cool. Just after 40 days of sobriety did I begin to feel like I did before I started drinking. Finding someone I can talk with about my recovery has been key. God bless!

stephnc

It's great to have another Tar Heel here at SR! Hang in there...go to meetings, read the Big Book, and keep posting here. What we can't do alone we can do together. ;-)

CarolD

I too was not thrilled to begin AA.....but it's the wisest
move I ever made....
Please give the program and yourself time to click.

Those trite slogan also bugged me in early sobreity ..most things did.
I ignored them....the program is the BB ..first 164 pages.

Here is the official guideline about sponsorship

http://www.aa.org/lang/en/catalog.cf...y=4&product=17

Welcome mcbasox ....

trish8850

How are you doin? Still hangin in there?