Please Please Please Help Me!

Old 12-14-2010, 02:25 PM
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Unhappy Please Please Please Help Me!

My husband was on suboxone for the last year and a half. He was doing fine and decided to get off. He got off and has gradually been doing pills more and more often. We have a 4 month old baby and I have a 7 year old from a previous relationship. I am freaking out really bad. I feel like I am going to have a nervous breakdown. The last month has been really bad bc he has been doing them at least 3-4 times a week and I see where it is going. He knows this but I don't think he really wants to quit bc he has barely even gotten started compared to what he was like before suboxone.I am so angry that I put myself and my son and now our baby in this position because I knew he was recovering addict when I met him. Today he is supposed to be staying sober but I don't trust him and he is not here for me to see it. I went to where he was just to make sure and all I can do spew venim bc I am so angry that it has even gotten to this point. He was sober at this point but I dread this evening if he comes home high even tho I asked him not to come home if he is going to do it. I know that he loves me, but drugs have always been his clutch. Everyone in his family are on the same drugs and so are his friends. I am the only sober person around him. I have asked him to leave our home but he won't and he will not allow me to leave, he physically forces me to stay in the house and takes my phone. I also am stuck in a situation where I cannot afford childcare for the baby and don't live near my family to get them to help. I don't even know if I should leave him. I am just angry, hurt, sad, and unsure. I feel doubt in everything I feel bc I feel like I am overreacting or going nuts. I have dropped my whole life and way of living to be with him and feel like I am being stabbed in my heart. Please offer me advice. I just need to know what to do. I also would like to know if anyone has actually been to NA and if it helped?
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Old 12-14-2010, 02:33 PM
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Welcome to SR. I am so sorry you are going through with this and I know the frustration of trying to talk some sanity into someone wrapped up in their addiction.

Sadly, nothing we do or don't do will make any difference. No matter how much we cry, yell or love them, they don't stop until the pain of using becomes greater than the fear of stopping.

What helped me find my balance again was to go do live meetings. Nar-anon, Al-anon and CoDA are three similar fellowships that have helped many of us. Maybe find a meeting near you and give it a try. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain and I promise you will be glad you went.

Please keep those babies safe too. It is too easy for them to find drugs that were carelessly left out and the outcome could be tragic.

Others will be along to welcome you also. Please make yourself comfortable and know you are among friends here.

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Old 12-14-2010, 02:45 PM
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I am very concerned that he is physically forcing you to stay in the house and taking your phone from you, especially considering that there are children in the house. It seems to me like he is trying to isolate you from everyone but himself and those he approves of, all of whom sound to be active users. Control from someone who is no longer rational due to addiction can be a very dangerous thing, especially when you start doubting yourself. He is manipulating you right now, and you and your children deserve a life free of this.
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Old 12-14-2010, 02:47 PM
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If he is forcing you to stay then he is breaking the law. Since he is gone now, can you just leave or contact authorities? I'm a little confused by your post.
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Old 12-14-2010, 03:07 PM
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I agree, I am very concerned that he has used force against you. Please phone your local domestic violence hotline. They can be priceless help in sorting out situations like this.
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Old 12-14-2010, 03:08 PM
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No he is not here now and yes he does force me to stay but even if I could go I have no where to go. I am unsure of what to do because the drugs have just recently became a problem again ( in the last month) and I am not sure if he is actually going to quit of if he is just starting. I am an addict of a differant drug then him (me+coke)(him=opiates) and have been clean for a few years but I have had several relapses and it has been maybe 5 times in 3 years. He is relapsing but I don't know if it is going to continue or stop. I don't want to worry what he his doing, my trust is already gone. If this is something he wants to continue then I am not going to be here. I told him that I don't want him at our home until he makes up his mind if he wants to be straight or not. I am also not sure if the way I am reacting to his relapse (angry) is appropriate. He says he is going to get his stuff together, but I don't want him around while he is figuring it out. We are fighting in front of the kids and I am angry and worried so I am not very much fun to be around and I would rather not deal with him until he is ready to be clean again. I can work with a sober person but I can't work with someone who doesn't want to be sober or has no intention of becoming sober any time soon. I don't want my family or myself to continue living like this for no purpose.
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Old 12-14-2010, 03:13 PM
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yes, but I don't think he would actually hurt me. I am not actually too concerned with that part. I just want to know if I should stick around to see if he going to straighten up or leave. I want to know if how I feel is normal. I want some advice.
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Old 12-14-2010, 03:20 PM
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Please read the stickies at the top of this forum.

This is very unhealthy for both your kids and you. A shelter would give you time to sort things out, find a place to live and etc.
I agree with you that it isn't any thing to live with while he is using or even the beginnings of sobering up.

Please read around, post..make yourself at home here.
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Old 12-14-2010, 03:52 PM
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Cynical, I was coming to post something very similar you said it much better than I could have... Yes you do have somewhere to go there has to be a womans shelter in your area surely? Maybe not what you want to do but IMO is much better than where your at now.

If he is that controlling do not fool yourself into thinking he will not hurt you.
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Old 12-14-2010, 06:50 PM
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Please take care of you and your children. You and your children have to come first no matter what else is going on. I grew up in a household with addiction and it is not fun. My mother thought she could love him, then join him, then get angry at him, then find god. I have almost made the same mistakes and finally come to my senses. You are recovering yourself protect that as if it was your life because it is and your children.

I will have you and your children in my thoughts and prayers
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Old 12-14-2010, 09:06 PM
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yes, but I don't think he would actually hurt me. I am not actually too concerned with that part. I just want to know if I should stick around to see if he going to straighten up or leave. I want to know if how I feel is normal. I want some advice.
But he IS hurting you and your children emotionally and it's horrible. What would a normal person would do would be to leave the situation immediately. That's healthy. What's normal for a codependent or an abused woman to do would be to stick around to see if things change. That's unhealthy, self-destructive behavior.

Please call your family and see if they can help you develop an escape plan. You are being emotionally abused. What he's doing isn't right. It's much much bigger than a drug problem.

I think if you get you and your children to a safe place you will be able to think clearer and formulate an clearer vision for your future and what is the right environment for your babies to grow up in.
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Old 12-14-2010, 09:55 PM
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I agree with the others to call your local Women's Shelter, even if just for a talk. The people who work there are very skilled at this sort of problem....they can be insightful with regard to your children as well. These posts have reminded me to support my local shelter, they provide an invaluable service and funding is being discontinued.
Furthermore, it is understandable to not know what to do.....stay strong, you came here because you knew in your heart something was not right. Addiction can make someone manipulative, he does not want to lose you, but you also must make a choice now. Your kids are counting on you.......all the best......and God Bless
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Old 12-15-2010, 06:40 AM
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Please call the National Domestic Violence hotline and ask for some help that's close to where you live. They can help you and your kids get out and give you a place to stay while you get back on your feet.
1.800.799.SAFE (7233) 1.800.787.3224 (TTY)
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National Domestic Violence Hotline

It is NOT normal for someone to keep their partner prisonner in their own home, whether they are addicted or not. This is abuse.

I know you're not worried that he'll hurt you, but abuse usually escalates, and before you know it, physical abuse comes into play.

I used to think that my XAH would never hurt me. Sure, he drank and snorted coke, but when he was violent, it was towards himself (he used to self-mutilate) or he would throw things. Well, little did I know that his addiction + his fear of losing his family = escalating violence. He ended up threatening not to let me leave and to take my daughter from me. So I ran away, taking my baby girl with me.

Please consider calling the hotline (when you have a phone) and getting some advice.

YES, it is normal to want to get away from someone who is relapsing, especially when it threatens your own recovery.
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Old 12-15-2010, 06:53 AM
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I agree with everyone's posts. Him not allowing you and the children to leave, taking the phone...this is all unacceptable behavior for a man who says he loves you. And you don't think he would hurt you? I think you are in denial. What will it take for you to leave? Will it take him physically hurting you or the children? Accidents happen you know, especially when your not in your right frame of mind and on drugs. Where is your oldest childs father? Could he possibly take your 7 year old for a while until you get things straightened out? If you are miserable and sad inagine what he is putting your children through....what you are putting them through. You are also compromising your sobriety by staying as well. Be strong for you and your kids, they need you, and if you are not there for them who will be?
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Old 12-15-2010, 08:39 AM
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with a 7 yr. old and an infant around, he's not very likely to become a happy camper any time soon. In addition to him struggling with his addiction, small children add to the frustration and added responsibilities escalate that frustration which in turn adds to more drug use.

I don't understand this "he doesn't let me go out" thing. It's the same thing as saying he's keeping you a prisoner in your own home. ???
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Old 12-15-2010, 11:47 AM
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How about do everything in your power to protect your children. That will always be the right thing.

I'm totally confused about you not being 'allowed' to leave, forced to stay, but him being gone to get high, and asked to leave if he is? I don't get it. Are you locked in? If you are, and have access to a computer, do you have access to a phone?

Do you really want to expose your children to a 'wait n see' situation full of addiction, abuse, and potential violence?
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Old 12-15-2010, 11:50 AM
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Do you really want to expose your children to a 'wait n see' situation full of addiction, abuse, and potential violence?
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Please consider what will happen if you wait and see.
There is a progression, with both violence and addiction.
The controlling part is just the beginning and gets more dangerous from there.
I speak from experience.

Beth
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Old 12-15-2010, 03:50 PM
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I hope you can see the seriousness of this sitution...I formerly worked at a shelter as their educator and I can tell you that his actions are not "normal" appropriate, or possibly even legal.
You Do qualify for a shelter based on those behaviors alone.Please consider getting help sooner rather than later..he is not in a rational mindset.Be careful, call your local shelter first and come up with a safety plan as leaving is often the most dangerous time.
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