Will I ever trust again?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: northport, ny
Posts: 3
Will I ever trust again?
I don't know what to do. My boyfriend of 5 years has been sober for the past year, but I just don't trust him at all bc of the past. He used for 3 years and i had no idea. There were so many lies, and him stealing money from me. But he has truly turned around and is really showing me he is changing and wants to stay sober.
But how do I know it will never happen again? How can I live in that constant fear of relapse? How can ANYONE live like that? I broke up with him last night b/c i just can't see it ever getting better. We even went to couples counseling for months and seemed to really help, for a little while.
I love him so much and he is so good to me and wonderful, and he is proving himself to be trustworthy, but I just don't know if I can live with this forever.
But how do I know it will never happen again? How can I live in that constant fear of relapse? How can ANYONE live like that? I broke up with him last night b/c i just can't see it ever getting better. We even went to couples counseling for months and seemed to really help, for a little while.
I love him so much and he is so good to me and wonderful, and he is proving himself to be trustworthy, but I just don't know if I can live with this forever.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 44
Heartbrkn,
In the end it is your decision what you decide to do and only you know if you will be able to live with always having a doubt in your mind. I never got a chance to get that far. My exab left before I even realized he had an addiction. Even after he went to jail he said he after promising me he was going to change he said he knew I would never be able to trust him. Hes right. I couldn't even imagine living that way.
Everytime he's not with me I would question what he is doing. And to be ready if he does relapse if I could deal with it. Especially having a newborn baby. I do think when he left he did me a favor and it was a blessing in disguise.
But I know people who have stuck by their significant other who overcame their addicition and was able to work out their issues. I know it's possible but in the end it's your choice. Good luck with whatever choice you make.
In the end it is your decision what you decide to do and only you know if you will be able to live with always having a doubt in your mind. I never got a chance to get that far. My exab left before I even realized he had an addiction. Even after he went to jail he said he after promising me he was going to change he said he knew I would never be able to trust him. Hes right. I couldn't even imagine living that way.
Everytime he's not with me I would question what he is doing. And to be ready if he does relapse if I could deal with it. Especially having a newborn baby. I do think when he left he did me a favor and it was a blessing in disguise.
But I know people who have stuck by their significant other who overcame their addicition and was able to work out their issues. I know it's possible but in the end it's your choice. Good luck with whatever choice you make.
Sunny Side Up
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
Usually my gut feelings are right. Its sad that you dont trust him anymore, but I too have trust issues,. When somebody hurts you over and over, I find it very difficult or almost impossible to trust that person again.
You can trust again though, we are all different. My ex's best line was - Oh I just forgot to tell you. Really though, what he meant was, what you dont know wont affect me and it wont affect you.
Take it easy on yourself, trust your self first, trust your gut reactions and you will be fine. I find that if I have a bad feeling about something, I usually right.
Take care JJ
You can trust again though, we are all different. My ex's best line was - Oh I just forgot to tell you. Really though, what he meant was, what you dont know wont affect me and it wont affect you.
Take it easy on yourself, trust your self first, trust your gut reactions and you will be fine. I find that if I have a bad feeling about something, I usually right.
Take care JJ
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: northport, ny
Posts: 3
Thank you everyone for your insightful words. I wish I had a crystal ball to tell me what the right decision is. I think I'm going to attend an an-anon meeting as soon as I can and really think about it over the next week.
Yankee
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 183
Heartbrokn,
My exab has been in prison for 4 1/2 years and recently released into a halfway house for the next few months. He won't be back in town until then. I contimplate all the time weather or not I want him back in my life, and I thought him robbing a bank would of helped him make the choice to stop using. Well, Until he told me a few weeks ago that he was using the whole time in prison. We said our goodbyes. I will not live like that. I will never be able to trust him. I am happy right now, my teenager (not his child) is happy. Why would I want to compromise that for someone who could not stop using drugs even after he had lost everything? You can get back to good, you can get back to happy, work your program, keep coming back here to SR, go to a f2f meeting and make the choice that is right for you. I can't say it enough, even though I still struggle and find myself changing my mind constantly with wanting him back in my life, I KNOW that no contact is the best for me....and the grass can be greener on your sideif you want it to be!
My exab has been in prison for 4 1/2 years and recently released into a halfway house for the next few months. He won't be back in town until then. I contimplate all the time weather or not I want him back in my life, and I thought him robbing a bank would of helped him make the choice to stop using. Well, Until he told me a few weeks ago that he was using the whole time in prison. We said our goodbyes. I will not live like that. I will never be able to trust him. I am happy right now, my teenager (not his child) is happy. Why would I want to compromise that for someone who could not stop using drugs even after he had lost everything? You can get back to good, you can get back to happy, work your program, keep coming back here to SR, go to a f2f meeting and make the choice that is right for you. I can't say it enough, even though I still struggle and find myself changing my mind constantly with wanting him back in my life, I KNOW that no contact is the best for me....and the grass can be greener on your sideif you want it to be!
Sunny Side Up
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
Trust is a huge big word isnt it.
This is probably the biggest area of my life that has affected me so much. Growing up I dont think I ever felt like I had my parents love or affection so I think I grew up a completely cautious person when it came to human beings.
My sister was a cronic alcoholic for many years ( I loved her dearly ) and we also suffered at her cruel words and actions. Trust, faith went out the door. Only you will know if you can be strong enough to live with this. Its a hard road but it would be so much more difficult in a relationship. Im not sure I could do it living with someone but as far as you know he has one year behind him. That has got to show you something. I believe actions say much more than words. It will be a lifelong situation for him, so it would be a lifelong situation for you. At the end of the day sit down and really think about what you want for yourself and your life. The answers will come. Dont sit down and think about what you want for him, that is something he needs to decide.
JJ
This is probably the biggest area of my life that has affected me so much. Growing up I dont think I ever felt like I had my parents love or affection so I think I grew up a completely cautious person when it came to human beings.
My sister was a cronic alcoholic for many years ( I loved her dearly ) and we also suffered at her cruel words and actions. Trust, faith went out the door. Only you will know if you can be strong enough to live with this. Its a hard road but it would be so much more difficult in a relationship. Im not sure I could do it living with someone but as far as you know he has one year behind him. That has got to show you something. I believe actions say much more than words. It will be a lifelong situation for him, so it would be a lifelong situation for you. At the end of the day sit down and really think about what you want for yourself and your life. The answers will come. Dont sit down and think about what you want for him, that is something he needs to decide.
JJ
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