Demut

OLook, this ain't my first rodeo; not even close! In fact, since I first got sober ten years ago, I have been in treatment twice, immersed in alcoholics anonymous, employed at a treatment facility, re-entered college for addiction career field, and , for real, read every recovry book written, twice in many instances..........

So, when I totalled my car a month ago and landed in jail, it was without surprise that on day two I had met with my attorney, called my old sponsor begging to be re-instated, scheduled an appointment for an assessment (formality for the judge; duh, I'm a fricken alcoholic), found 90/90 meeting locations and signed up for a relapse out-patient program. LIke, seriously, "I get it", and I do, I reallyreally do. INTELLECTUALLY. Well all that knowledge is pointless if you're going to play God and flirt with disaster, ie; the idea that I may no longer be a "problem drinker." Ha, if the little story were'nt so tragic, it would be kind of humorous.

Enter husband... Yes, the one I f'-over for the past four years; lie upon lie upon criminal lie. "What, I haven't been drinking - you're crazy man" "Hmmm, not sure why the bottle was inside your snowboot - must have been from last winter" "No, I did not purchase a bottle; that was for a gift for a peer at work who had just purchased a new home" "Ugh, someone backed into me - and apparently never left a note - losers" ................you know the story; same one, different names.

So, here's what I am struggling with, AND YES I GET "WHY", but it does not make it easier. I have experienced the most content, honest, peaceful, self-iintrospective, creative thirty sober days <pats self on back> that I am certain I have lived through in YEARS!!! I'm proud of me. I'm learning more stuff about me. I'm super intently working on me.

But my relationship with my husband is worse now than on the day after one of my worst drunken nights. I've had to, and rightfully so, man-up to listening to him work through his anger by, first, bottling it up for a few days, mulling the horrifying episodes around in his head, fueling the flames, and then LITERALLY out of nowhere, dude unloads, I mean, like I said, "really?, , , ,you break your pasta noodles before boiling" (annoyed the heck out of me frankly, I felt as though I were eating canned spaghetti - I LIKE WRAPPING MY PASTA,, grrrr) omg - here it comes,, he went CRAZY, certifiable, on me. I'm thinking, its ok, really really really, I like 1/2 inch pasta. But, no , I knew, I knew it was internal overdue anger. But, c'mon, enough already. I get it - you're pissed. I'm a drunk. I MADE A HUGE ERROR IN JUDGMENT. Horrible. Now, "can we please move forward". Because dragging up the crap every four days, and I mean stuff that even went back to our honeymoon on the Riviera Maya - like, omg, man. You're killing me.

I can't stay sober in this volitale environment - its toxic and I'm having to work triple hard to compensate for his distastefulness and lack of respect.
No, he refuses alanon
No, he refuses marriage counseling
No, has has not attended the portion of my treatment where spouses are encouraged to attend.............
Yes, I AM BEING PATIENT WITH HIM; I'm trying,,,
But, dam, what time do the bars open - this is not fun.....................
~d
If you read this far, God love ya
There's no answers to this, but, I feel better
so thanks

LaFemme

Hi D!

Congrats on having a good solid month...I'm sorry you are having trouble with your marriage. I would be frustrated too by the fact that he wont work on the marriage...has this been going on for 4 years?

joethemechanic

I hate short pasta and thin sauce. I don't want to have to chase little pieces around my plate.

But don't forget, the poor guy has been through a lot.

Zebra1275

So, let me get this straight. You are resentful towards your husband because he won't just forgive and forget everything because you have strung together 30 days of sobriety?

From your post it sounds like you've read the Big Book. It doesn't sound like you are living it.

Anna

Hi,

Good for you for your work on your sobriety!

I think we need to remember that drinking was the symptom. And, now you and your husband are dealing with all the issues that contributed to your addiction. Gosh, I really had to re-evaluate my relationship with my husband and look at things for a different perspective and in a realistic way. It was very hard.

I think you should continue to be patient, but I draw the line at continued verbal abuse. I could not have handled that myself and I don't think anyone should. As to how much is fair for your husband to vent, I don't know, but I do know that there should be a line at some point.

Demut

Well, anna, and that's just kind of it, like how much is enough; I suspect it is the unhealthy communicaiton, the outrageous explosions almost literally out of nowhere. Pretty rough.

Resentments? Give me a break - pretty sure I would not have four weeks sober harboring a resentment. He has been assured repetitively where his anger is valid.

You're dead on Joe - he has put up with a lot - and God knows he did not sign up for this when he married me.

LaF, yes, I would have to say the poor communication has been ongoing. I do embrace this as an opportunity for repair, for finally building a healthy foundation - I only know that I cannot do that for the both of us - that's a partnership effort.

I guess I just felt a bit defeated, awkward, at group last night where everyone had their spouse, and mine did not show. Disheartening. I'm human anyhow.
The counselor who leads that group, and he is a marriage counselor, is going to call my husband. A day at a time. we'll see how it goes.
I'll be sober today and that's a fact, so that's how I'm taking it.

And my point, though I sometimes fail to make it, was that I've read and studied all of the literature, poured my heart into it, obivously I am not living it, I had been relapsing since summer. There is much work to be done. I'm far from solid recovery. Months from rigorous adherence to the walk.
thankyouverymuch

LawMama

It is okay to vent. We are all working toward progress, not perfection. Hope it gets better. Not much advice I can give on the marriage front lol.

tjp613

He may have every right to be angry. He has *zero* right to be abusive. That is never OK. Set some boundaries, lay down some ground rules and be prepared to adhere to them. What are the consequences if the boundaries are crossed?

I'm sorry to say this, but if he refuses any type of counseling it doesn't sound like there's much of a chance of recovery for him and yours may also be compromised.

DayTrader

FWIW, I found "venting" didn't do jack for getting me past a resentment. To the contrary, it actually fueled the fires of judgment and the resentment dug in deeper.....the more I talked about it and thought about it (the more I gave the resentment "safe harbor" in my mind) and the more smugly superior I felt to the person I was upset with. I dunno about you guys but put me in a position where I feel I'm in any way superior to someone else, in a position where I feel I'm justified to judge them or their actions, and give me an event to be mad at them about.......and that resentment might as well be set in stone. And guess what? From then on it's me who suffers both internally and externally because it'll burn my mind up. THEN I'll end up taking that frustration out on them only to have them retaliate.....which I then judge, place myself above them again, take my frustrations out on them again......round and round we go.

Once I realized the first step - that I'm powerless over alcohol and that my life is unmanageable - it occurred to me that I'm in no position to be judging anyone else, their lives, or their actions - hell, I can't even manage my OWN life......who am I to try to manage another person's?

Besides, I believe the line in the BB that warns me "Resentment is the number one offender" and if I don't grow past the silly immaturity of resentments, it's ME who'll end up drunk again and for a real alcoholic like me, to drink is to die. So really.....what good is me dying over something like spaghetti being too short. that someone should go to meetings, that someone should go to counseling gonna prove? What, that I'm right? Great, I'm right and I'm dead......yay team.

I found.....once I got myself plugged into AA and started really living the program, allllllllllllll those pesky problems took care of themselves anyway.

joethemechanic

Resentment is like pizzing your pants, the only one that feels it is you

stugotz

You cant expect years of damage to be fixed in thirty days. It just doesnt work like that. I expected everyone that I dragged into the gutter with me to forget all the pain as soon as I got my white chip. That would be nice, wouldnt it.

Demut

Lot's or rich wisdom - valuable, thank you for taking the time to respond to a stranger

Patience is a virtue, one I can certainly place energy into; improve on. I'm not in a place to make decisions on anything, so I will continue praying for him, for us and maintain the effort I am putting in to my recovery and making myself a more loveable person. With this out-patient treatment I have signed on to, our paths have been merely crossing lately; not really a bad thing, all things considered. Space. Time.
And certainly one day at a time.

I need a sponsor. Asking someone Friday night.
thanks again

Zebra1275

Glad to hear you will be asking for a sponsor, I hope the person you ask agrees.

Resentment is probably the #1 trigger that has caused me to relapse. AA has helped me to understand this and deal with it better. I'm still a work in progress though.

stanleyhouse

Demut
I hear you on working ten years and finding yourself in the same spot. Have you ever looked at all those recovery books and said what if I took the best out of some of them and worked my own program.
It wasn't until I considered the psycho, social and very important physiological aspects of of alcoholism during my recovery was I able to handle urges, be grateful, be busy and content, deal with my depression and form boundaries where appropriate. Diet, exercise, meds, counseling and spirituality are all part of recovery. I hope you find a way that is right for you. About your question, figure out what your boundaries are going to be concerning your husband.
I am holding many thoughts and prayers for you.
SH

bellakeller

Another favorite: "Resentment is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die". This one helped me thru my marriage issues alot early on. Keeping my side of the street clean was another.

My husband and I had to separate in order to disentangle some after I started to get sober and he started recovery of his own. We took our time and gave each other much space and respect for boundaries even when it didn't seem quite the right way to go about things. It's hard work but starting to pay off....

Eddiebuckle

Demut,

I am sorry to hear about your situation. I'm sure you know this but will say it anyway: your sobriety is the only thing that matters for now. Your marriage won't be around to salvage if you drink; it may well be if you stay sober. I am not suggesting that you make no effort re your marriage, just keep it in perspective. Your gut is telling you that you are on thin ice - please don't ignore that.

Praying for you,

Edd

Zebra1275

"Resentment is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die".

Boy, that hits home. I can't tell you how many times in my drinking career I drank because I was angry at something somebody else had done (or not done).

c49

Your situation is very similar to a number of others who have posted here... Many of us discovered that when we actually got sober, well, some of our loved ones were not that supportive.

Cant really blame them. They've stuck around while we were trashing our own lives and it wore on them. They may feel exhausted with our BS and may expect our sobriety - long or short - to end at any second. So they have their guard up. My family is less than supportive with my own sobriety too... wife included... and its been 1.5 years since I last drank.

I think you know that YOU are the only one that will keep you sober. Sounds simple but its the truth. Your husband may become more supportive as your sobriety extends beyond the month that you have now. Good Luck and stick around!

BP44

What does "immersed in Alcoholic's Anonymous" mean to you? From what what you originally posted, my impression is that you spent 10 years learning about addiction, working around the treatment of addiction, reading a bunch of self help books, but not really treating your alcoholism. Is it possible that at 10 years sober you were dying of untreated alcoholism and at some point had no choice but to drink. The reason I ask you to consider that is because when I have a clear understanding of my condition, I don't pat myself on the back for any time sober. There's nothing worse than sitting in the rooms of AA thinking your keeping yourself sober. So, I have a yes or no question....have you ever sat down with another alcoholic with the Big Book open between you starting with the title page and gone through the book and done everything that it asks us to do? If the answer is no, which I'm betting it is, then you've never been in recovery. Only an alcoholic will say at 30 days, "Ma ain't it grand the wind stopped blowin" I mean for crying out loud, I stopped drinking what more do you want? And here's another thing to consider .... you may think you need to get away from him to get into recovery, but he may know he's done with you. I mean honestly, some times they are just done, they've just had enough. I tell ya what, post your original post over in the Friend and Family forum, and if you get some sympathy......I don't think so. I mean please show a sign of some humility.

Demut

Extraordinary point! That hurts me. A lot. He is absolutely exhausted, wore out and beaten up. And so so shakey about my sobriety. I feel confident time will heal that if I continue moving in the right direction.,
I have been entertaining this exact idea. Yes, I have sat down, on a weekly basis, in order to work the steps, though I never completed them as I had moved and gotten a new sponsor. One alarming thing that came to my mind the very day after my relapse was that while I had taken two fifth steps, they're not thorough and that this needs to be done, and done right. Naming me without humility is concerning. I don't think even my husband would agree with that and I know those in my group (evening relapse program) would disagree. But, its neither here nor there how anyone judges my humility. I know the differences I'm feeling this time and I have written and said often how when I was in the holding cell last month and a girl joined me who was in on probable cause prostitution, I knew immediately that she and I are one in the same. False pride; I really don't think I ever got that, how financial status, education, that is all exempt when facing addiction. The characteristics of the disease, the basic foundation, is the same. We're all in the holding cell together. That concept was driven home to me that night in a 'humble" way that I have no words to describe. And I have vowed to never forget that, not ever. So, I began a blog and I'm writing about it every day. Thank you very much for taking the time to respond.,It can be a challenge seeing the trees while deep in the forest. This is why I am writing here and talking in group , meetings, anyone who will listen.. I believe wholeheartedly that I do not have another relapse. I believe that.