sojourner

Hello friends: Being the child, wife (ex), and now parent of someone in addiction, I have heard a lot of phrases throughout my whole life. Here's one that "gets in my craw."

"As parents, we did the best we could." This bugs me because inherent in this phrase is the message, "but what we did was not enough, so that is why our son/daughter was not able to get through without escaping into drugs/alcohol." I gotta say that far and away the majority of us parents did give our child enough. Did they have struggles? Well, is the sun hot? Sure they did. Did our other kids have struggles and yet not escape into the world of lies and deceit.

As I look back on my son's early teenage years, I know he started the habit of lying to me about where he was going and what he was doing at around that age. And I believe that preceded any kind of drug use.

I rather prefer the phrase, "As parents, we gave our children enough. What they did with that is theirs and theirs alone." I said in another post that I wish we had some kind of formal ceremony passing the hat of responsibility from us to our children. In lots of cultures this happens when the kids are 12 or 13 or 14 years old. But even without that kind of ceremony, it still happens in the hearts of our children. At about that age, their brain, because we have done enough in raising them, starts the process of making their own future. They have the logic and reasoning necessary to know the dangers of the choices they make.

Just my vent today.

Does anybody else have phrases that bug them?

MsPINKAcres

"she comes from a family of chronic relapsers"

"crack whores"

"useless, worthless drughead"

That's my precious, beautiful daughter you are talking about and regardless of her actions, I still love her and hate it when you label her. Just like people hate it when other use racist terms.

It cuts me to the core of my heart.

I know what she does when she is active, I'm not blind ~ But really must you use those harsh words?

Isn't everyone someone's child?
Even the drug dealer - don't you think they have a mother, father, sister, brother, that grieves for them?

Please be careful when you use those phrases.

cece1960

Loser.

That one gets me everytime

keepinon

I have to go with the we did the best we could AT THE TIME thing..it was actually pretty damn good....

Serenity Bound

YOUR daughter...............this phrase coming from either her father and/or her x-husband..............or anyone else actually.

tam

"your such a strong person, been through so much you will get through this too"
hmmm..really cause I dont think so.

"call me if you need anything"...okay well you have my number too yet no one calls.

"just find another guy"...really? just that simple?

"we need to go out one night it will do you good"...okay Im still waiting

and the famous thing people do is walk the other way when they see you..
wow Im not contagious!

Chino

Name calling breaks my heart. I don't care who or where it comes from, it's contemptuous behavior. I used to do that until I realized it's a reflection of my contemptuous spirit. I pointed a finger and three were pointing back at me.

sojourner

But Keepinon: If you had to do it again, would you really make major changes in the way you parented? I gotta say I've gone over a lot of what I did as a parent, and none of it was so horrendous that it totally derailed any of my kids. And no, not even the divorce. I realized when I went back into my family tree that it was very common for a parent to die while very young and then the surviving parent marries again, so it's not all that common in the history of mankind to grow up in an "intact" home with both biologic parents who are healthy and happy.

I've got 2 other kids besides the AS. They are old enough to have looked back on their childhood and the way they were raised, and they have both expressed appreciation to me for having had such a positive impact on who they are today... So even with what I know now, I still think, like you said, it was pretty darn good!!

Just some more venting. I'm going back to work...

keepinon

You know, my daughter is clean about 4 months now..we had the conversation.."What could I have done differently?" she said"No matter what you did it all probably would've turned out the same" Meaning she's an addict. It's that simple. Did help me to hear it.
If I could 've done it over I woulda put her in a lockdown facility at 14..my husband said no, but knowing what we know now...ohh hindsight..you are 20/20!

litehorse

dehumanizing our loved ones - a person who was supposed to be my "best" friend would say things like "he's not your son anymore, he is a drug addict" -

FGB

I apologize to you all. I've said all these things in my head, without thinking that these people had mothers and fathers. I'm ashamed of myself for this and won't ever do it again.
On the other hand, when I worked as a correctional deputy in the local jail, I ALWAYS treated my inmates with respect, and was kind, but reminded them, when nec. not to mistake my kindness for weakness.
I thank you for pointing this out to me, and I have learned from it. Thank you.
Most sincerely,
FGB

crazybabie

They will never amount to anything... Really??? Can you predict the future?? Give me the lottery numbers please...

sojourner

Oh, Keepinon, I know that regret! If I had to do it over again and knowing what I know now, I would have re-mortgaged the house and sent my son, at age 14, to a full-time military school until he turned 18 and then hopefully until 21!!!

Babyblue

"He is a lost cause"

That one really bugs me. Firstly, people aren't causes but they are humans and if he isn't giving up on himself, why should I?

No one is a lost cause. Even the very very severe addict/alcoholic can turn around IF they really are trying.

crazybabie

I wish some of those people who say these things would read Melody Beatties, books. She is a RA and recovering codependent who had made a huge difference in many peoples lives.(for the better) I wonder how many people made those type comments about her likely many. There is always hope.

I am sure there are many more people like her.

sojourner

I am coveting all these responses. I realize that my bristling has to do with parenting BEFORE the drug use was apparent - such as from birth to the teens. Those are the years where I cannot take the blame. My son cannot say of that time, "Well she did the best she could with what she knew."

Thanks for your responses. They have helped me crystallize what is bugging me.

Anna

"You're really weak, aren't you". This from my toxic mother. And, actually, No, Mom, I am strong enough to have walked through the hell of addiction and survived.

'My A or My Addict' - We all have names. Labelling is just too easy.

keepinon

I too, find the my addict demeaning..they are that, but to reduce them to just that is a little dehumanizing..also how codependant is the "my" part?

smacked

I have to "third" the 'my addict', or 'my alkie'. I agree w/ cynical, like nails on a chalkboard!

Callie

Junkie - I always hated that. Never thought I would have had to deal with one. But I did. First hand. Heroin. I also hate that word. That is such a nasty, nasty drug. Needles. Hate that word too. Track marks. Tie up. Add those to the list.

I agree with you Tam. "your such a strong person, been through so much you will get through this too"
hmmm..really cause I dont think so.



Nah. I was too weak and involved to get away. Sure I was strong to shoulder this, but too much of a chicken #hi% to face what really was there and make a decision.