Broke up with recovering addict boyfriend
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: northport, ny
Posts: 3
Broke up with recovering addict boyfriend
My boyfriend and I had been together for 5 years, and I broke up with him tonight. I'm so torn b/c I don't know if it was the right decision or not. His DOC was mainly oxycontin, and pain killers.
When we got together 5 years ago he was fresh out of rehab, only sober for about 2 months. A year into the relationship he started using, and continued using for 3 years, but I had no idea. We then broke up as a result of his using for a couple months and got back together once he was sober again, and that was a year ago. He has been doing tremendously well and has been sober. We even went to couples counseling to deal with the mistrust I now have, from all the lies and deception of addiction. He's such an amazing loving wonderful guy...
But i fear I can never trust him again, no matter how well he does. They say actions speak louder than words, and he has been acting and doing all the right "trustworthy" things, but I just don't think I can ever get over it.
Is it fair to throw this potentially great relationship away? I hate the fact of thinking about living with an addict for the rest of my life, whether he is actively using or not, but I also can't imagine my life without him. I'm so torn and heartbroken.
I want to spend the rest of my life with him
When we got together 5 years ago he was fresh out of rehab, only sober for about 2 months. A year into the relationship he started using, and continued using for 3 years, but I had no idea. We then broke up as a result of his using for a couple months and got back together once he was sober again, and that was a year ago. He has been doing tremendously well and has been sober. We even went to couples counseling to deal with the mistrust I now have, from all the lies and deception of addiction. He's such an amazing loving wonderful guy...
But i fear I can never trust him again, no matter how well he does. They say actions speak louder than words, and he has been acting and doing all the right "trustworthy" things, but I just don't think I can ever get over it.
Is it fair to throw this potentially great relationship away? I hate the fact of thinking about living with an addict for the rest of my life, whether he is actively using or not, but I also can't imagine my life without him. I'm so torn and heartbroken.
I want to spend the rest of my life with him
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 19
Sometimes we need to listen to those little nagging, hard to pinpoint feelings that we get. When I look on my own past, I see so many times when I didn't listen to those gut feelings and paid the price and the times when I helped myself by going with those feelings. It's normal to fear that our loved one might relapse. It's normal to not be able to trust someone who has been lying to themselves and everyone around us. I think right now an important thing for you to do is to examine yourself and build back the trust you have within your self. I know I lost trust in myself, my decisions making abilities, and my insight after I finally realized how many lies I had been believing. I just bought a book called "The courage to trust" by Cynthia Wall. I have only thumbed through it so far, but it seems to hold a lot of insight on how to trust ourselves and others. I think it has some previewing options on google books. It might be worth looking into.
Yankee
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 183
I am sorry your going through such a rough time with this. It is not fair for you to throw yourself away in a relationship where you do not trust him. The way I see it personally, in my own expierence, I can not go back to my exab. What if I did, and everything was great, and he was sober for 5 years....then a relapse? Will I lose my house again? Will I have to sell everything I own and live with family again? Could my soul take losing him AGAIN? What can you stand to lose for the sake of being with him? Taking control over our lives is the only control we have over this whole situation....
You have to do what is right for you and your sanity. However, as you can tell, I am an advocate of leaving. Stay strong Sister!
You have to do what is right for you and your sanity. However, as you can tell, I am an advocate of leaving. Stay strong Sister!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
Sounds like you have been through a lot in 5 years with him. 5 years is a long enough time (to me) to know if the relationship is going to be a healthy place for you or not. If trust is the issue then it is very hard to re-establish it once gone. It isn't just that he lied about the drugs for some time but all the drama that went with it wore you down. The idea of having to possibly go through that again would make anyone think twice.
I'd listen to my gut and look after myself. Sounds like it may be time for you to move on. At least take a lonnnng time apart to think about what it is you really want and need in life. Relationships should be about adding to your life, not about making you live in fear for the next shoe to drop. Even if it never drops, if you are the kind of person who has that reaction then that is not healthy for you. You'll be in a constant state of worry.
I'd listen to my gut and look after myself. Sounds like it may be time for you to move on. At least take a lonnnng time apart to think about what it is you really want and need in life. Relationships should be about adding to your life, not about making you live in fear for the next shoe to drop. Even if it never drops, if you are the kind of person who has that reaction then that is not healthy for you. You'll be in a constant state of worry.
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Syracuse, NY
Posts: 43
(((Heartbrokn)))
What a difficult thing you did today. I understand the uncertainty, I understand the doubts. It can be difficult to do things that we feel in our gut are right, even when our mind throws so many questions at us after the fact. There were many wise words before me. I have learned to trust my gut, it has never been wrong, even when I so hoped it was.
A relationship where there is no trust is no relationship at all. There's no one to blame, no finger to point. There just comes a time when we have to decide what we can live with, and what we can't. My exah went through an 8 month program. He got out, he was doing well. But I was still sleeping with my purse under my pillow. I nearly threw up every day at 5, wondering if this was the day he wasn't coming home. I jumped evertime the phone rang. I was always listening and watching for something that didn't ring true. I was driving myself crazy. I finally had to go on medication just to function properly. That's not living, that's not a life with someone. You always keep yourself just a little seperate, just in case.
Nobody else can say whether this decision is right or wrong, only you can decide what is best for you. But I'm sending you lots of hugs, and support.
What a difficult thing you did today. I understand the uncertainty, I understand the doubts. It can be difficult to do things that we feel in our gut are right, even when our mind throws so many questions at us after the fact. There were many wise words before me. I have learned to trust my gut, it has never been wrong, even when I so hoped it was.
A relationship where there is no trust is no relationship at all. There's no one to blame, no finger to point. There just comes a time when we have to decide what we can live with, and what we can't. My exah went through an 8 month program. He got out, he was doing well. But I was still sleeping with my purse under my pillow. I nearly threw up every day at 5, wondering if this was the day he wasn't coming home. I jumped evertime the phone rang. I was always listening and watching for something that didn't ring true. I was driving myself crazy. I finally had to go on medication just to function properly. That's not living, that's not a life with someone. You always keep yourself just a little seperate, just in case.
Nobody else can say whether this decision is right or wrong, only you can decide what is best for you. But I'm sending you lots of hugs, and support.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 105
I know how you feel,i really do. For me i cant take my exab back ,I also am sure now i did the right thing.been with him for three years and broke up with him recently. I will never be able to re establish the trust again,i've put up with great deal of pain resulting from never ending lies about drugs and affairs.until it progressed into physical abuse. I still love him and i know it's sick,but i never want to go back to him because even if he recovered i dont think i find the strength in myself to live in that fear and pain again,and to put up with all the craziness caused by his addiction,i realised i cant live my life trying to make impossible things happen or spend my days waiting for someone to make better choices which is something they might and might not ever do,is this how you want to spend your life? isnt there more you wish for yourself? i know it's hard to see hope now that you are feeling all down and depressed but believe me making it work isnt worth all the misery and suffering you will be into. I'm sorry for your pain,and i hope it works well for you. keep posting
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