OpenYourEyes

My best friend is relapsing and believes he can be in control of his drug use. Each time he uses he seeks me out to express remorse, guilt, shame, etc and vague words that he doesn't want it to happen again, though he won't make any promises. It's gotten to be too much of an emotional yo-yo for me and I am taking space from him so that I can think of what I need for myself. How do these boundaries sound? Reasonable?

Do not be around me when you are under the influence or there is the possibility you will be tempted to use.
Do not tell me about any relapses or the associated feelings.
Do not tell me when you feel tempted to use.
Do not tell me that you want to be sober, unless you are asking me to take you to a meeting, therapy, or rehab.
Do not complain to me about problems that are a result of your addiction.
Do not talk about drug use around me, whether relevant to you or someone else.


One issue I am having in my boundaries deals with how I keep myself from knowing or not knowing if he is using? We are so close that we see each other every day. If I do not see him, or he has an excuse not to see me, it is most likely because he is using. If he tells me he has plans with someone else, it is most likely going to be a using friend because it seems these days that I am the only sober friend. How can I word a boundary that will make it so that I do not have to know whether or not he is using?

suki44883

"Do not" statement are rules. You are trying to tell him what he can and cannot do around you. Boundaries are for YOU.

Instead of "Do not be around me when you are under the influence or there is the possibility you will be tempted to use," a boundary would be "I will not be around him if he is under the influence. Try changing the "Do nots" to "I will nots."

Remember, boundaries are for you, not for him.

hello-kitty

Change those statements to "I will" statements and you'll be more on track.

IE...

I will not be around you when I suspect you are under the influence or in a situation where I think drugs may become an issue. I will say good bye and leave the situation immediately.

I will change the subject immediately if someone starts talking about situations or feelings associated with relapses or drug uses. If it comes up again, I will leave the room.

I will not have a conversation with anyone about wanting to use drugs or the problems associated with using drugs. I don't want to talk about drugs - using them or not using them. I will make a quick excuse and leave the situation.

I will provide you with a ride to rehab if you request it but I will not suggest it or offer it.

EJG123

Suki and Kitty are right. It is useless to tell an addict what they can/cannot do because you can only control your own behavior, not theirs.