Serenity8

with my boyfriend. The one who wasn't going to text or call me, but "give me space" because I'm upset about the way I see myself reacting to his drinking. Well, he called me, in the afternoon when he wasn't supposed to call me all day.

We love each other very much... but he still maintains he does NOT have a drinking problem, but that he knows he has been drinking too much in the last month. I set some boundaries about how I don't like him coming to my house after he's had drinks at home, but I still said we need to have a little space for now.

It's the denial that bugs me. I actually just came out and said "When I've asked you if you were drunk and you got really defensive and said no - what it comes down to is that I don't believe you."

So, here we are... He asked me to let him prove himself to me. I do love him, I know he is a good person, he treats me well, but I still have this nagging feeling. ugh. This is hard!!!

Cyranoak

...and now you know how much respect he has for the boundaries that you set. No respect at all. Now that you know he does not respect your boundaries you can make decisions going forward using that information.

Cool.

While not the result I suspect you wanted, at least you learned something very, very useful. So, far I've checked off:

1. Denial.
2. Words without actions that match the words.
3. No respect for boundaries.

Cyranoak

P.s. It does not matter if he believes he has a drinking problem or not. You have a problem with his drinking and that's all that matters.

P.p.s. Please consider Al-Anon for yourself: How to find a meeting in the US/Canada/Puerto Rico

P.p.p.s. Love is meaningless in relationships involving alcohol. Meaningless. It's a concept of poetry, romance novels, and movies that has very little to do in real life. In real life it's like a key to a car. You have to have it to start the car, but that doesn't mean you can drive it, and it doesn't mean it's a good car. Everybody can start a car. Not everybody can drive a car, and even fewer people can drive well. Al-Anon is helping me to be a better driver of my car. My alcoholic wife? She's got her own car.

cmc

Even if this was his choice instead of yours for him to not call, the fact remains that he didn't respect or care for your wishes or feelings.

The way you describe things it appears that he is trying to manipulate by saying he won't call because _you_ get upset....instead of not calling because he doesn't want to upset _you_ by his choice to drink. There's a vast difference there. Actions do speak louder than words or promises or intentions.

As to the 'love' part of your post I can only say that loving somone should involve at the very least:honesty, kindness, caring and respect. I find peace knowing that it's up to me alone how I choose to respond to anyone's words or actions; alcoholic or not. I don't have to engage in the chaos created by somebody else.

Does it make any sense to prove something to you that he denies is even a problem? Any proof that I will accept involves actions over time and that is the only way I can judge. I can also compare a person's words to those actions and see if they correlate. (he says he won't call...and then calls)

Al-Anon meetings were a lifesaver for me when I was dealing with active addiction in a loved one. I also attended alot of open AA and NA meeting where I learned more about this disease. While there I found alot of inspiration and hope for _myself_ as well as learn to recognize just what real recovery from alcohol abuse does or doesn't look like.

You are right to say this is hard, and in my case it continued to get harder up to the point where I began to work on my own part of the equation which involves me learning to change my own attitudes and actions in response to an alcoholic or addict.

In case you haven't seen them yet, I recommend you read as much of the material in the sticky section of this forum that you can.

keepinon

I think the other two posters said everything except...going no contact means YOU don't answer the phone, texts, etc., not that he doesn't continue desperately trying to convince you to stay.

theuncertainty

An SR member, Bolina shared the following a couple months after I found SR, and I've seen it a couple times:

Reading this quote from Beattie’s book was a real eye-opener for me. My good-points list had been reduced to the last one in the lady's list "And he never hits me." Before reading this, I didn't know, or had forgotten, that some things are just supposed to be an integral part of a relationship, not special occasions or sometime-gifts.

It’s OK to not trust him when it comes to his drinking. He’s not a reliable source of information on that front. His actions have broken the trust and it takes time to build it back up again. His actions broke it and as CMC noted, only his words and his actions together can help build it.

Hugs.