litehorse

i was standing at the officer's desk at the jail after visiting my son when another mother came in to visit her son - the officer made a comment to her about her son - something like "i know who he is; he's taller than all the others" - just conversation kind of stuff - the mother said "yes, i tried to raise him right, but..." i was not in an emotional position to say anything to her at that moment but i did say a prayer that she would find peace from that way of thinking - as parents, we do affect our children and sometimes certain things may contribute to self-medicating behaviors - but when an adult child chooses drugs/illegal behavior it is their decision - carrying guilt about that is so painful - it took me quite some time to find any peace from it and it still rears its ugly head sometimes -

sojourner

I wish there was something in our American culture and non-Jewish religious culture that is like the bar mitzvah or bat mitzvah where there is a formal ceremony at some age (13? 14?) where responsibility for the younger one's life is passed from the parent's shoulders to the youngster's shoulder. Everybody gets dressed up really nice because it's a really big deal.

Because we do not have that, we parents suffer. Society suffers. We carry the responsibility for our offspring's decisions way too long. Other people think we parents can be blamed for their decisions way too long and have no trouble saying it (esp. if the parent in question is not present).

crazybabie

I have heard so many time if you would have had more displine at home if this and if that mainly from my father. I really use to believe my children turned out being who they are because of me I was that mother many times at visitation when going to see my son, I think I said those things out of shame and guilt.

I now remind myself I did the best I could with what I had at the time and that they are adults making their own choices. I find myself saying but is 20 and 22 really grown because I see so much inmaturity, yes they are grown.

I pray that one day the stigma on the parents from ourselfs as well as from others will get better.

Kindeyes

I also find myself thinking.....if only I had (fill in the blank here because it could be one of a million things).

I've gotten a lot better but I still have to stop myself and realize that I cannot change the past. I did the best I could at the time. I am not a perfect person but I WAS and AM a good, loving mother.

I wish that all parents who have raised their children in the best way they knew how can forgive themselves and move toward a brighter future......regardless of their adult children's choices.

gentle hugs

keepinon

Before recovery I would tell anyone who would listen that I stayed home withmy kids, was married to their father, had my degree, did social work..etc, etc...It is so painful to feel responsible for your child's mistakes..i think the prayer was a lovely, compassionate, gesture.May we all be easier on each other...

OpenYourEyes

Parents have some impact, but really there comes a point when it becomes a personal choice. To give this a different perspective, look at the children who come from abusive homelives, who have absent parents, who are emotionally/physically neglected, who are impoverished, who basically have all the odds against them and go on to achieve great things and lead a sober life. They have made a personal choice that is outside the influence of the parents. As a parent, you can only do your best. There comes a point when the child needs to match you with their best as well. It's not all on you.

EJG123

I don't feel guilt about how I raised my AD but I don't appreciate being judged or blamed. Anyway, I try to forgive people who want to judge/blame me because I don't think they know better and it can be a defense mechanism for them. I do pray that people find more peace with themselves and understanding/compassion for others.

litehorse

being judged by others is hurtful and so very unfair - mostly it seems the most judgmental are those who do not have children and have no idea what being a parent encompasses - i am so glad for this forum where those of us who find ourselves walking an unpursued path can find understanding, compassion, and support - thank you to all who share and care for all the concerns that come up here - it takes time and emotional energy to hang in here but the load lightens as each reaches in - blessings to us all!

Impurrfect

I can only tell you what I experienced. I was brought up, an only child (due to my mom's heart condition..couldn't have any more kids, or it would have killed HER). My parents raised me with love, discipline, and told me, over and over, that I could do anything I set my mind to. I excelled in school, loved it, and went to college in my Sr. year of high school.

However, there was always a part of me that felt I wasn't good enough. It had absolutely NOTHING to do with my parents...quite the contrary. It led to some serious codie-relationships, addiction, and finally to recovery from both.

I remember my mom crying, saying "what did I do wrong in raising you, that you think this is okay?", talking about my relationships with XABF#1, which lasted over 20 years. SHE didn't do anything wrong. She was my best friend, and though I feel bad that she felt guilt about it, I know she is smiling, now, from heaven.

I truly wish I could take away the feelings of "what did I do wrong" from all you parents. Kids don't come with instruction books. You've done the best you could, and I believe that with all my heart.

I'm not a mom, but I have my niece, who is 17, who is like a kid to me..dad and stepmom have raised her since she was 1 and her mom died. She remembers when I was out on crack, when I relapsed, and what pain I caused my family. She also sees me today, and she's proud of me. When we know better, we do better. I can't take away what I did, but I can darned sure work both my recoveries and lead the best example I know how. Will it be enough? Who knows? I just know I'm doing the best I can.....and so are all of you.

Love, hugs, and prayers,

Amy