I need advice for putting on my big girl pants!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 277
I need advice for putting on my big girl pants!
AH lied to me.
I am disgusted.
He's still acting like I don't know. But instead of doing business away from home for 2 nights, that 2nd night he flew to Las Vegas and stayed overnight there (it was reasonably close by) without telling me.
I won't go into the details on how I know, but I KNOW. Trust me.
He's supposed be on extra-good behavior after a ridiculous past 3 weekends of off the rails drinking. Nice, huh?
I'll face him some time tomorrow about this when my son is in school.
It's always been weird to me that he traveled home on Saturdays. Now of course I'm wondering how many of those Friday nights were spent in Vegas or somewhere other than the work destination?
How do you keep from going soft? How do you find and keep your backbone? How do you not yell?!!!
I am disgusted.
He's still acting like I don't know. But instead of doing business away from home for 2 nights, that 2nd night he flew to Las Vegas and stayed overnight there (it was reasonably close by) without telling me.
I won't go into the details on how I know, but I KNOW. Trust me.
He's supposed be on extra-good behavior after a ridiculous past 3 weekends of off the rails drinking. Nice, huh?
I'll face him some time tomorrow about this when my son is in school.
It's always been weird to me that he traveled home on Saturdays. Now of course I'm wondering how many of those Friday nights were spent in Vegas or somewhere other than the work destination?
How do you keep from going soft? How do you find and keep your backbone? How do you not yell?!!!
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,892
Oh honey, they lie. If their lips are moving, there's a good chance they're lying. How do you feel about this? Sorry, I'm not familiar with your story. Are you thinking he may have cheated on you while in Vegas? Is he spending money you don't have to spare? Again, I don't know your situation. If it were me, and I found out what you just did, I don't think I'd have any problem keeping my backbone, but I can't guarantee I wouldn't yell. 
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
To be honest, I don't live with a liar anymore. I divorced the EXAH, and my AD isn't welcome in my home.
I expect to be treated with respect, honesty, and dignity. Having an active A in my home won't fit that bill.
I expect to be treated with respect, honesty, and dignity. Having an active A in my home won't fit that bill.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 436
My AH best friend/work collegue lies all the time to his wife and they do not have alcoholism to deal with (to the best of my knowledge).
He sometimes gets my husband to pay him less into their bank account but pay him some cash. He also has a savings account in his daughters name that he uses without her knowledge too. He is planning to spend more than his wife knows about on a trip he is taking next year.
Many married men lie, not just alcoholics. Many woman too!
This man (AH mate) is lying because he doesnt want to deal with his 'nagging' wife, who would make a big deal of it and is always trying to control their finances.
They dont realise that lying about something makes it doubly worse!
My AH tells me these things and shakes his head about them, even though I have caught my AH in a lie many a time. Usually the lies are surrounding alcohol - coming home late when they have been down the pub/bar but telling you that they worked late, or had to help a freind with something. Very, very common lies amongst alcoholics!!
When I have brought up the lie, this is usually when my AH managers to fire off the old anger routine at me, 'spinning' that it is my fault he lies because he knows how I would react if he told me and then trying to turn the converstation around until it becomes about you and something you have done or not done. It usually ends in tears and a bout of not speaking in our house and more drinking.
I really dont envy you that one. I can only suggest that you choose your (sober) moment, mention that you know about it and dont appreciate that he has been lying to you and then stop the conversation so that it doesnt esculate and walk away. That way you havent had to make any threats, idol or not and he will have time to think about his actions and maybe realise that he has some appologising to do.
It is a difficult position to be in, because if he knows how you know he will make sure that he covers his tracks a bit better next time.
At some level, I think it might just be better to let it go and chalk it up on to add to the 'reasons why you should leave' board.
Thinking of you.
He sometimes gets my husband to pay him less into their bank account but pay him some cash. He also has a savings account in his daughters name that he uses without her knowledge too. He is planning to spend more than his wife knows about on a trip he is taking next year.
Many married men lie, not just alcoholics. Many woman too!
This man (AH mate) is lying because he doesnt want to deal with his 'nagging' wife, who would make a big deal of it and is always trying to control their finances.
They dont realise that lying about something makes it doubly worse!
My AH tells me these things and shakes his head about them, even though I have caught my AH in a lie many a time. Usually the lies are surrounding alcohol - coming home late when they have been down the pub/bar but telling you that they worked late, or had to help a freind with something. Very, very common lies amongst alcoholics!!
When I have brought up the lie, this is usually when my AH managers to fire off the old anger routine at me, 'spinning' that it is my fault he lies because he knows how I would react if he told me and then trying to turn the converstation around until it becomes about you and something you have done or not done. It usually ends in tears and a bout of not speaking in our house and more drinking.
I really dont envy you that one. I can only suggest that you choose your (sober) moment, mention that you know about it and dont appreciate that he has been lying to you and then stop the conversation so that it doesnt esculate and walk away. That way you havent had to make any threats, idol or not and he will have time to think about his actions and maybe realise that he has some appologising to do.
It is a difficult position to be in, because if he knows how you know he will make sure that he covers his tracks a bit better next time.
At some level, I think it might just be better to let it go and chalk it up on to add to the 'reasons why you should leave' board.
Thinking of you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Somehow, my backbone grew back over the years.
But I didn't really notice it had until a dear friend overheard the X berating me by accident (I was on the phone walking into the house, and then-AH started yelling at me the second I opened the door, so my friend couldn't but overhear). He was in shock and just said, "it is not my life, and I'm not telling you what to do -- but I just want you to know that what I just overheard was abuse, and you don't have to live like that. You don't have to make the choice to stay and continue being abused."
That's all I needed -- after close to 20 years with an A, lies up the wazoo (the thing is, half the time, they don't even know that they lie, they really believe themselves), and it wasn't until he started aiming the abuse at the children hardcore that my backbone started growing back in. Because by then, I didn't realize I didn't deserve being treated that way. But I knew my precious children did NOT.
Still, I needed someone from the outside, who had no skin in the game, giving me permission before I could formulate for myself what I wanted: Out.
That's just my story. I don't think yelling helps. I think I would focus on what I wanted, and present that, rather than asking him about the lie -- because you know he'll spin a new one in a heartbeat. They're good at that.
But I didn't really notice it had until a dear friend overheard the X berating me by accident (I was on the phone walking into the house, and then-AH started yelling at me the second I opened the door, so my friend couldn't but overhear). He was in shock and just said, "it is not my life, and I'm not telling you what to do -- but I just want you to know that what I just overheard was abuse, and you don't have to live like that. You don't have to make the choice to stay and continue being abused."
That's all I needed -- after close to 20 years with an A, lies up the wazoo (the thing is, half the time, they don't even know that they lie, they really believe themselves), and it wasn't until he started aiming the abuse at the children hardcore that my backbone started growing back in. Because by then, I didn't realize I didn't deserve being treated that way. But I knew my precious children did NOT.
Still, I needed someone from the outside, who had no skin in the game, giving me permission before I could formulate for myself what I wanted: Out.
That's just my story. I don't think yelling helps. I think I would focus on what I wanted, and present that, rather than asking him about the lie -- because you know he'll spin a new one in a heartbeat. They're good at that.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Knowing what I know now, I try to always look at my motivation before acting. (I don't always succeed, but I try 
)
What is your motivation for confronting him? Do you hope he will be remorseful and apologize? Do you want him to admit defeat and say that you are right? Or something else?
What are the chances this will turn out the way you want? What will confronting him likely get you?
When you play this through to the end, in your head, how does it turn out?
As someone above me said, maybe it's best to just let it go and chalk it up under the "reasons to leave" column.
L
)What is your motivation for confronting him? Do you hope he will be remorseful and apologize? Do you want him to admit defeat and say that you are right? Or something else?
What are the chances this will turn out the way you want? What will confronting him likely get you?
When you play this through to the end, in your head, how does it turn out?
As someone above me said, maybe it's best to just let it go and chalk it up under the "reasons to leave" column.
L
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Originally Posted by whereisthisgoin 
How do you keep from going soft? How do you find and keep your backbone?
You'll find your reason. I already knew mine, I just had to face it.
Wishing you peace and continued strength.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Remind me again why you are with this man? Is it a financial constraint that's keeping you where you are? Sorry if it sounds insensitive, but from reading your post, he seems to have no respect for you.
Chaotically Peaceful
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: A state of peace
Posts: 322
My STBAXH lied ALL the time. Like suki said "if their lips are moving". True to the addict, he was a pro at making me feel crazy. I'd have PROOF of the lie and he'd twist his way out of it so skillfully that I learned to doubt every instinct I had.
I started my recovery process two years ago and since I hadn't yet detached enough to stop asking about the lies, I made an effort to approach it differently. Instead of ASKING, I'd tell. I would start by saying "I'm not asking for an explanation because I already know all I care to know. I just feel that you need to be aware that I know so you don't have the mistaken impression that you are getting away with anything."
Actually, our last episode like that was when I found out that he was using oxy, had pilfered 10K+ from our accounts and was having an affair. It lasted a whole 5 minutes because while he was trying to explain it all away, I was telling him to leave. He hasn't been back since and not ONCE have I questioned my decision or the reality of his actions.
Maybe something like that would help you in this situation. Don't ASK questions...tell what you know. I found that it actually helped me to stay calm and not yell. The yelling always started when I felt rage at the fact that he was treating my like an idiot...like I didn't know what I KNEW. And the fact is, he needs you to yell so he can blame your insanity for his actions.
I started my recovery process two years ago and since I hadn't yet detached enough to stop asking about the lies, I made an effort to approach it differently. Instead of ASKING, I'd tell. I would start by saying "I'm not asking for an explanation because I already know all I care to know. I just feel that you need to be aware that I know so you don't have the mistaken impression that you are getting away with anything."
Actually, our last episode like that was when I found out that he was using oxy, had pilfered 10K+ from our accounts and was having an affair. It lasted a whole 5 minutes because while he was trying to explain it all away, I was telling him to leave. He hasn't been back since and not ONCE have I questioned my decision or the reality of his actions.
Maybe something like that would help you in this situation. Don't ASK questions...tell what you know. I found that it actually helped me to stay calm and not yell. The yelling always started when I felt rage at the fact that he was treating my like an idiot...like I didn't know what I KNEW. And the fact is, he needs you to yell so he can blame your insanity for his actions.
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