Coming to terms...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 213
Coming to terms...
Been reading a lot over the last few days.
In al-anon for 4 years, divorced my rage-a-holic, porn addicted, pot smoking husband.
Coming to terms with the fact that the man I am now in love with is an alcoholic. It kind of snuck up on me, but he is. I am in therapy with a 12-step counselor, but due to my schedule I have had a hard time making it to al-anon meetings over the last 6 months or so. The counselor and I had a good session and I'm seeing her again in less than 2 weeks.
When I explain to ABF that I want to take a step back because I think he drinks too much, he tells me he will do anything, anything to keep me. That he'll "cut down" on his drinking. But I realize that if it was something he could control, he would control it. I have a hard time setting boundaries so I will have to make a clean break, I think. It hurts so much, I don't know how to do this. In a way it was easier to leave my EXH because he was mean, and I didn't love him. This is different.
I am sad, beyond sad. But I know how this goes, I have two kids and I need to make sure they don't get sucked into this chaos I already fought long and hard to get us out of with their dad.
In al-anon for 4 years, divorced my rage-a-holic, porn addicted, pot smoking husband.
Coming to terms with the fact that the man I am now in love with is an alcoholic. It kind of snuck up on me, but he is. I am in therapy with a 12-step counselor, but due to my schedule I have had a hard time making it to al-anon meetings over the last 6 months or so. The counselor and I had a good session and I'm seeing her again in less than 2 weeks.
When I explain to ABF that I want to take a step back because I think he drinks too much, he tells me he will do anything, anything to keep me. That he'll "cut down" on his drinking. But I realize that if it was something he could control, he would control it. I have a hard time setting boundaries so I will have to make a clean break, I think. It hurts so much, I don't know how to do this. In a way it was easier to leave my EXH because he was mean, and I didn't love him. This is different.
I am sad, beyond sad. But I know how this goes, I have two kids and I need to make sure they don't get sucked into this chaos I already fought long and hard to get us out of with their dad.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: California, USA
Posts: 293
I am sad, beyond sad. But I know how this goes, I have two kids and I need to make sure they don't get sucked into this chaos I already fought long and hard to get us out of with their dad.
mizserenity,
Each of us has had to go through this sadness in order to get to a better place. . . Good for you for fighting long and hard for yourself and for you kids. . . Big hugs!
mizserenity,
Each of us has had to go through this sadness in order to get to a better place. . . Good for you for fighting long and hard for yourself and for you kids. . . Big hugs!
Skipper
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
This is really sad.
I'm relating to you so much. I'm an ACOA, and now have realized the love of my life, my ABF of 10 years, is truly an alcoholic. And I can't let my son live the way I lived as a child. So ABF is out the door. We still have contact, very limited. We're not mad or angry and no one's fighting with anyone.
Al-anon is helping me tremendously. I hope you find the right place for you and your children. I don't have any words except extreme support in your situation.
I'm relating to you so much. I'm an ACOA, and now have realized the love of my life, my ABF of 10 years, is truly an alcoholic. And I can't let my son live the way I lived as a child. So ABF is out the door. We still have contact, very limited. We're not mad or angry and no one's fighting with anyone.
Al-anon is helping me tremendously. I hope you find the right place for you and your children. I don't have any words except extreme support in your situation.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Hugs, mizserenity. You have the strength to do this. When you make the decision based on what is best for you and your kids, you will make the right decision. Remember to take time for yourself.
Wishing you peace and continued strength.
Wishing you peace and continued strength.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 213
Thank you for the replies/support. He is confused by me, and I know I'm not doing this right since I haven't really explained to him well how his drinking effects me. Last night I started some petty arguments, and apologized. Then I told him the truth, that I am upset by how much he's drinking and that I'm starting the arguments because of that.
We just had a lovely weekend together, so it kind of doesn't make sense. I drink wine with him, so I guess he can view me as a hypocrite. But we drank together on Saturday night, and on Sunday at around noon he polished off 3/4 of the bottle that was left. That is when it hit me...
So when I talked to him last night, he told me he wasn't going to contact me until I figured out what I wanted. I am sad that he's putting a line in cement like that, but maybe it's for the best. We are very close, he's my best friend. He's very functioning... but his ex-wife kicked him out because she thought he was an alcoholic and I see the denial and the defensiveness and the deflecting.
The hard part is how good he is to me. But after my rage-a-holic ex, who am I to judge what is "good"? He's very loving and attentive and he always wants to be with me. My ex avoided me at all costs. But it's also a little needy too, and sometimes I need a little alone time. He has big time financial problems - that is also part of the wakeup call to me, too.
I keep praying but I also feel numb, too. I don't want to do this, I love him... but I also know that if I don't do it now, it's only going to get harder and worse and worse.
We just had a lovely weekend together, so it kind of doesn't make sense. I drink wine with him, so I guess he can view me as a hypocrite. But we drank together on Saturday night, and on Sunday at around noon he polished off 3/4 of the bottle that was left. That is when it hit me...
So when I talked to him last night, he told me he wasn't going to contact me until I figured out what I wanted. I am sad that he's putting a line in cement like that, but maybe it's for the best. We are very close, he's my best friend. He's very functioning... but his ex-wife kicked him out because she thought he was an alcoholic and I see the denial and the defensiveness and the deflecting.
The hard part is how good he is to me. But after my rage-a-holic ex, who am I to judge what is "good"? He's very loving and attentive and he always wants to be with me. My ex avoided me at all costs. But it's also a little needy too, and sometimes I need a little alone time. He has big time financial problems - that is also part of the wakeup call to me, too.
I keep praying but I also feel numb, too. I don't want to do this, I love him... but I also know that if I don't do it now, it's only going to get harder and worse and worse.
Rising from the Ashes
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Republic of Texas
Posts: 451
******Knowing Yourself 
Knowing yourself is the most difficult
Task in this earth, for the more, you think
You know of yourself, the less actually
You know of yourself, and the more you
Scrutinize yourself, the more convoluted
Becomes your mysterious life, my friend.
Bhuwan Thapaliya
******************************
Knowing yourself is the most difficult
Task in this earth, for the more, you think
You know of yourself, the less actually
You know of yourself, and the more you
Scrutinize yourself, the more convoluted
Becomes your mysterious life, my friend.
Bhuwan Thapaliya
******************************
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