Alanonic

I'm in need of anyone's experience in this situation that I have been in. I have been with my AH since I've been 15 years old. We marrried when I was 19. We didnt celebrate our 25th anniversary this year on March 30th because March 17th he kicked me out of our house of 20 years. I have 2 kids. One 20 years old and the other 18. Lived with this disease since it started, and watch it progressed. I put him in jail twice, cant count how many times he has been in rehab, cant count how many times he has been in the emergency rooms for withdraws, in June of this year he took (he says) 25 tylenol 3s that his mother gave him, plus who knows how much vodka and tried to kill himself...he was "pink slipped" Dont mean to smash him. I actually really love him. He is in general a good guy. Put alcohol in him, and he demands the debit card (I have my own checking account), he gets angry over little stuff=that is what happened in March. He stold money from my son and they started to get in an argument. Under my breath, I kept telling my son to walk away and leave. My AH heard me and told me to get out. He took my clothes and threw them in my truck. He swears to this day, he didnt kick me out. He just "thought" that I would stay with my sister over night and come back the next day. That day I went thru a 2 hour MRI ( I have MS) I work full time. I clock in at work by 4:30am. We have tons of overtime all of the time. It was 9pm on a work night and I was done with his crazy making, and never went back. I have my own apartment that I found with God's help in 7 days...and my friends and family helped me with stuff that I needed. My question is or my thought is "Does it ever end!!" My heart has thawed out, Ive been reading alot, its quiet here where I live, there is no chaos...why do I miss him? He is 44 years old....I honestly believe in my heart that he will not change. He has been sober maybe for 2 weeks. He had a relaspe, again. I hate the thought of divorce, when this is a disease.

skippernlilg

It seems that you are hurting really bad right now. It looks like you've really taken some excellent steps at identifying that alcohol is making things in your life unmanageable and you've made some awesome steps at getting yourself some distance from the situation. Some detachment is very good so that you can see reality and then are able to make some unclouded decisions for yourself and your family.

We learn here and in Al-anon about Alcoholism, the three Cs: You didn't Cause it, You can't Cure it, and you can't Control it.

I have found Al-anon extremely helpful in my journey of finding peace. Of course you still love your A; you've spent your life with him and had his children. But, you don't have to love the life that it's become to have to live with it. You can make good choices. You have a gift in choice. :day6

Thumper

I'm sorry. This is so hard. Welcome to SR. There are many good stickies at the top of this forum. There is so much information and inspiration there.

I thought of my husband as a man treading water. Locked to his ankle was addiction. Each year it got heavier and heavier. I was hanging on to one of his hands with all I had but each year we were sinking further and further down. I really felt I was going to drown. Only he has the key to the addiction, in his other hand. Only he could reach down and unlock it. I could either drown or let go and swim to shore. I swam. I pray that he reaches down someday, with the key only he holds, and undoes that lock and swims to shore, but that is for him to decide.

I'm no longer drowning. He's still treading water and that weight is getting heavier and heavier. It is terribly sad to watch but I won't swim back out there. I have four young children and they need me on the shore.

I thought of this to share with you because you are doing so much. You must be incredibly exhausted but you are on the shore now. I know it is painful to watch him still out there treading water. Only you can decide if you want to swim back out there.

Alanonic

Skippernlilg
That totally makes me feel good! I am working the steps, going to counseling, praying and waiting....by the way my kids moved in with me. Which is totally great. He is alone, except his mom lives behind us (him). She is an enabler. It makes me puke. I see it more now that I dont live there. She is actually paying the mortgage on our house. He "cant" work. He was diagnosed with a couple mental disorders, that to me was caused by alcoholism. He just hasnt given his body time to heal, which I heard it takes 5 to 7 years for the alcohol to disappear from your nervous system. Personally, if she didnt do "what she does" he would have hit bottom years ago.

Alanonic

Thumper
Incredibly exhausted, but I have Serenity. There is nothing like it!! I dont know how I lived without it.

BTB

I've heard people say that life is too short to put up it. My Dad likes to paraphrase it by saying life is too long to put up with it. Bless his heart; he is 90 and lying in a hospital waiting to join his wife of almost 40 years.

I too am in state of flux right now, divorce is filed and her response was to call the cops and try to get me arrested on DV charges. Fortunately her lies didn't match the timeline I could prove because I was the court clerk's office miles away (verified by the clerk) filing papers. Bottom line is that I am still kicked out of my house until emergency divorce orders go through and maybe even longer. Fortunately I found a place to live with a month to month lease as I didn't want to lease someplace for a year until I know what is going to happen.

The final straw came about 3 weeks ago when she came home one night and 1:30 in the morning and didn't come home at all the next night. I didn't ask where she'd been, she just volunteered days later that she passed out in the car and spent the night in the bars parking lot the night she didn't come home. Gets really cold at night in the mountains, so just another lie of what happened. Of course no mention of coming home at 1:30 in the morning the night before. This was not the first time something like this has happen, but I decided enough is enough and no more.

Last week, I got a call to come and get her at the bar because she was to drunk to drive. I took her home and came back and took her back to get her car the next day. She swore that she would do anything I wanted for us to get back together. I thought about overnight and when she called the next day, I said get treatment for your alcoholism. She sent me an email later saying she had called a local resource center and had gotten information on AA and they set her up and she even had a sponsor. Her 1st meeting was supposed to be this morning, no idea if she went or not. I do wish her the best, but as I read through these posts, I see so many that believe the promises made only to have their hearts broken again and again.

Alcoholism in many cases is just a symptom of much more serious psychological problems, as in her case, probably BPD (borderline personality disorder).

It’s going to be a tough road for the next few months with lots of pressure by her to get back together. But I do have good friends that offer a lot of emotional support and say don’t go back. Fortunately the state I live in recognizes “separate property” and I have assets that have never been commingled.

I was planning on starting AlAnon next week, but that depends on whether I am back where I live or still at my Dad’s. The hospital called us home yesterday.

BTB stands for Been There Before and after 10 years of it I have had enough. I have heard all the promises only to see them broken.

Bottom line is that it is tough road dealing with an allcoholic and the after effects. Good Luck to all.

Phoenixthebird

Alanonic,
Recovery is a multifaceted concept in which one size does not fit all. While there really isn't any formula for finding or enhancing your own recovery, there are four "keys" help the healing.

Key #1: Empty Yourself Of Your Burdens

Doing so gets you through pain and helps break the logjam of confused feelings. This involves giving up control of the things you can't control, accepting things you cannot change, and moving on. It involves reorienting how you think about life. It's not easy, and you have to be brutally honest with yourself about what self-sabotaging attitudes you live by, what you're holding on to from the past, why you're holding on to it, and why you need to let it go if it is still hurting you!

Key #2: Healing Is A Personal Journey

Remember that healing is a personal journey that no one can make for you. Healing is hard work, and it's different for everyone -- but every person in pain can seek help and ask for it anywhere. For many people, help is asking for healing through prayer. For others, life's creative activities -- like music, art, dance, a connection to nature, cooking, caring for others, humor, massage, or spiritually based disciplines like Reiki or tai chi -- help healing. Use all your senses of hearing, smell, touch, taste, and sight to be in the moment and intensify the experience. It will bring you peace and a sense of being centered.

Key #3: There Is No Magic Gift Box

Keep in mind that there is no magic gift box with your name on it, holding everything you ever wanted. Happiness cannot be handed to you as a gift. Finding the meaning of your life is possible only by looking within and examining yourself and your own beliefs. Your inner strength and the answers to your questions are deep within your soul. The closest you can get to a magic box is one that, when opened, reveals a mirror into which you can look as deeply as you like. Most of all, you'll get the gift of knowing that recovery is both transforming and restorative.

Key #4: Letting Go

**************************** *******************************

Petty, petty nonsense
Look the other way
Leave me to live the life
I was meant to live today.
Anger dissipate softly
And possess my Soul no more.
Intrude upon me again
And your presence, I shall ignore.
Sadness surrender to laughter
And take away my tears
Too much time has been wasted
On you throughout the years.
Stress don't leave me worried
And running all about
For you rob me of my happiness.
When I rant and rave and shout
Love come fill the emptiness.
Where clutter once reside
I've rid myself of the nonsense
You no longer need to hide.

This is my personal opinion. Take what you like and leave the rest!

Love and Peace,
Phoenix

Alanonic

I want to thank you all for all your suggestions and experiences!!!