More lies, feel like I am overreacting
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Salt Lake City, UT
Posts: 85
More lies, feel like I am overreacting
My AH and I (recently separated) split our finances a couple weeks ago and he is paying the car payment for a car with a loan in my name because he is driving it. I called the automated bank teller today to see if the payment came out because he said it was put on autopay and to protect my self I need to make sure it is being paid. Well, it hadn't come out of the account yet and I am giving him the benefit of the doubt as it is saturday, but I will need to check back because I need to make sure it is taken care of.
The thing is when I called I was listening to transaction records and since it was a new account I heard all the available transactions for the account and noticed that there wasn't any deposits made except the first deposit into the account. AH told me the other day he might go into overdraft because he spend more than he deposited. Yet there was no deposit made. I know I should really just let it go, mind my own business, worry about me, etc... but I am feeling really upset about it. I didn't ask him about his money situation he volunteered that to me and told me he had deposited cash into his account the day after he opened it, but now I find out there was no deposit. So basically he lied to me and not even when questioned he just lied for no reason. WTF!
He has been working on quitting drinking for the last eight days and is seeking counseling (my ultimatum for even considering giving him another shot). He has seemed to be doing so much better than expected and I have been trying to stay detached and not let it influence me to move closer to a relationship with him sooner than when I feel absolutely ready. Now I find out he lied to me and it feels like back to square one. I guess you can't expect anything but lies from a liar, but I wanted to have hope he really had learned his lesson. I feel like I am overreacting to something very small in terms of the big picture, but I am so tired of being lied to.
The thing is when I called I was listening to transaction records and since it was a new account I heard all the available transactions for the account and noticed that there wasn't any deposits made except the first deposit into the account. AH told me the other day he might go into overdraft because he spend more than he deposited. Yet there was no deposit made. I know I should really just let it go, mind my own business, worry about me, etc... but I am feeling really upset about it. I didn't ask him about his money situation he volunteered that to me and told me he had deposited cash into his account the day after he opened it, but now I find out there was no deposit. So basically he lied to me and not even when questioned he just lied for no reason. WTF!
He has been working on quitting drinking for the last eight days and is seeking counseling (my ultimatum for even considering giving him another shot). He has seemed to be doing so much better than expected and I have been trying to stay detached and not let it influence me to move closer to a relationship with him sooner than when I feel absolutely ready. Now I find out he lied to me and it feels like back to square one. I guess you can't expect anything but lies from a liar, but I wanted to have hope he really had learned his lesson. I feel like I am overreacting to something very small in terms of the big picture, but I am so tired of being lied to.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 545
Crystal, hon, you are not "over" reacting, you are simply reacting. Why would you not have a reaction to a situation like this?
First off, what does splitting your finances mean? Have you taken legal advice? I'm not sure I would be comfortable with someone who is "working on quitting drinking" driving a car in my name. On a practical level, can he not get a car himself? Or put the car in his name and take over the payment?
It is perfectly reasonable for you to ask questions about this, if it is not what you agreed. And it is also reasonable for you to take actions to protect yourself.
It's early days yet, be gentle on yourself. Are you getting support IRLf
First off, what does splitting your finances mean? Have you taken legal advice? I'm not sure I would be comfortable with someone who is "working on quitting drinking" driving a car in my name. On a practical level, can he not get a car himself? Or put the car in his name and take over the payment?
It is perfectly reasonable for you to ask questions about this, if it is not what you agreed. And it is also reasonable for you to take actions to protect yourself.
It's early days yet, be gentle on yourself. Are you getting support IRLf
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
he is paying the car payment for a car with a loan in my name because he is driving it.
Rising from the Ashes
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Republic of Texas
Posts: 451
Crystal, you wrote "I feel like I am overreacting to something very small in terms of the big picture, but I am so tired of being lied to." The concerns and questions you are asking are very relevant for you! While separation and possible divorce is a very emotional time, you need to approach it like a business deal and take control of the proceedings. Don't cave in because you feel overwhelmed. While you may feel shaky right now, taking control of your separation and possible divorce will make you a stronger person.
The most important thing you need to do is accept responsibility for the outcome of your separation and possible divorce. A woman's standard of living generally drops at least 30% after a divorce, the decisions that you make now can have a considerable effect on your future.
Ordinarily, the money in a joint bank account belongs to both people named on the account. That is, if you are placing money into the account, your spouse may have a legal right to withdraw all of that money even if you are separated. If your name appears on a lease or mortgage for the residence where your spouse will live, you will remain liable for payments. Similarly, if you continue to share joint credit accounts, including credit cards, or your name appears on any utility bills (phone, gas, electrical, etc.) you will ordinarily be liable for any debt incurred by your spouse even after separation. It is thus wise to separate your finances, and to obtain credit cards and bank accounts in the individual names of each spouse, as part of the separation process.
If you and your husband took out loans(s) to pay off high interest credit card debt and the items purchased were for his personal use or benefit, then he should be responsible enough to pay his debt. The fact you are separated does not relinquish his responsibility from having to pay this, but the fact the loan is, also, in your name does not relinquish your responsibility either. While you did not mention the type of loans the two of you have, generally speaking you cannot remove one party from a debt obligation unless the debt is re-structured in some way.
If you feel your husband cannot or will not be a responsible adult and pay his debt obligations, I would suggest you seek outside help to draft an agreement outlining each others responsibilities. If you are not working with an attorney already, another option is to use mediation. In mediation, both parties meet voluntarily to discuss the issues which brought you there. If you and your husband reach an agreement, the mediators can help you put that agreement into writing. Any agreement reached carries the same weight as if ordered by the court. One benefit of mediation is any agreement reached is your own and not dictated to you by someone else to you. People tend to honor agreements they make themselves.
Separation and divorce and money issues are ultimately tied together. Not only will you have to split the assets and debts during the separation and divorce, but you will have to figure out how to survive financially afterwards. After the big split, many people find themselves maintaining the same household on greatly reduced resources. On top of that, they have had to take on a higher portion of the debts to insure that they were paid. Unfortunately, what was manageable while they were married soon became the ultimate juggling act as they try to pay bills before their due date.
Many divorced people find their credit in shambles in the months and years after their divorce. And while it's true that most people are able to financially bounce back after their divorce, their credit scores don't tend to rebound near as quickly. A credit score can affect your life in many ways. A credit score is determined by how you've paid debts in the past, a poor score indicates that you may not pay your rent or mortgage on time. Your score may, also, determine how big a deposit you will have to pay for telephone, electricity or natural gas service. Credit scores affect whether you get credit extended to you, and how much you will pay for credit cards, auto loans, mortgages and other kinds of debt. Overall, a higher score means that you will be more likely to be approved for and pay a lower interest rate on new credit accounts that you open. In the end, having a good credit score will make your financial dealings a lot easier and can save you money in lower interest rates.
The above is by no means professional advice. It is just my personal opinion. Take what you like and leave the rest!
Love and Peace,
Phoenix
The most important thing you need to do is accept responsibility for the outcome of your separation and possible divorce. A woman's standard of living generally drops at least 30% after a divorce, the decisions that you make now can have a considerable effect on your future.
Ordinarily, the money in a joint bank account belongs to both people named on the account. That is, if you are placing money into the account, your spouse may have a legal right to withdraw all of that money even if you are separated. If your name appears on a lease or mortgage for the residence where your spouse will live, you will remain liable for payments. Similarly, if you continue to share joint credit accounts, including credit cards, or your name appears on any utility bills (phone, gas, electrical, etc.) you will ordinarily be liable for any debt incurred by your spouse even after separation. It is thus wise to separate your finances, and to obtain credit cards and bank accounts in the individual names of each spouse, as part of the separation process.
If you and your husband took out loans(s) to pay off high interest credit card debt and the items purchased were for his personal use or benefit, then he should be responsible enough to pay his debt. The fact you are separated does not relinquish his responsibility from having to pay this, but the fact the loan is, also, in your name does not relinquish your responsibility either. While you did not mention the type of loans the two of you have, generally speaking you cannot remove one party from a debt obligation unless the debt is re-structured in some way.
If you feel your husband cannot or will not be a responsible adult and pay his debt obligations, I would suggest you seek outside help to draft an agreement outlining each others responsibilities. If you are not working with an attorney already, another option is to use mediation. In mediation, both parties meet voluntarily to discuss the issues which brought you there. If you and your husband reach an agreement, the mediators can help you put that agreement into writing. Any agreement reached carries the same weight as if ordered by the court. One benefit of mediation is any agreement reached is your own and not dictated to you by someone else to you. People tend to honor agreements they make themselves.
Separation and divorce and money issues are ultimately tied together. Not only will you have to split the assets and debts during the separation and divorce, but you will have to figure out how to survive financially afterwards. After the big split, many people find themselves maintaining the same household on greatly reduced resources. On top of that, they have had to take on a higher portion of the debts to insure that they were paid. Unfortunately, what was manageable while they were married soon became the ultimate juggling act as they try to pay bills before their due date.
Many divorced people find their credit in shambles in the months and years after their divorce. And while it's true that most people are able to financially bounce back after their divorce, their credit scores don't tend to rebound near as quickly. A credit score can affect your life in many ways. A credit score is determined by how you've paid debts in the past, a poor score indicates that you may not pay your rent or mortgage on time. Your score may, also, determine how big a deposit you will have to pay for telephone, electricity or natural gas service. Credit scores affect whether you get credit extended to you, and how much you will pay for credit cards, auto loans, mortgages and other kinds of debt. Overall, a higher score means that you will be more likely to be approved for and pay a lower interest rate on new credit accounts that you open. In the end, having a good credit score will make your financial dealings a lot easier and can save you money in lower interest rates.
The above is by no means professional advice. It is just my personal opinion. Take what you like and leave the rest!
Love and Peace,
Phoenix
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Salt Lake City, UT
Posts: 85
Just to add some details. Separating our finances means separating our bank accounts (he is no longer on my account and I am not on his) and paying the bills that belong to each of us respectively. The car title belongs to us both and the loan is in my name with him as a co-signer. Understandably having him pay the loan could be problematic and he is working on getting it refinanced into his name (so he says). If it becomes an issue I could sell it, but would end up owing about two thousand because it is not worth what is borrowed on it at his point. I don't have the means to pay the payment right now so I am I guess hoping it will not be an issue, but I can see where many of you and myself have that concern.
As far as the lying. I approached him about it...could have left it alone, but I wanted him to know it bothered me and I won't stand for lying if we are ever to rebuild a relationship. At first he denied it and then when he came to see the kids admitted he lied out of shame. It was nice to get the truth out of him, but too bad it only happened because he was in a situation that his lie was verifiable. Just going to keep moving forward and let go of his actions. What he ultimately does will affect my decision to stay or go for good so it is tough, but it is out of my hands.
As far as the lying. I approached him about it...could have left it alone, but I wanted him to know it bothered me and I won't stand for lying if we are ever to rebuild a relationship. At first he denied it and then when he came to see the kids admitted he lied out of shame. It was nice to get the truth out of him, but too bad it only happened because he was in a situation that his lie was verifiable. Just going to keep moving forward and let go of his actions. What he ultimately does will affect my decision to stay or go for good so it is tough, but it is out of my hands.
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Florida
Posts: 375
Wow. I'm sorry to hear about your situation.
I have a girlfriend that financed her boyfriend's car for him because he has no credit. He lies all the time and won't get a job. He smokes weed but I'm not sure how much of that is playing into the situation. She makes his car payments for him and feels too sorry for him to kick him out. (I keep reassuring her she doesn't need to feel sorry for him but she can't seem to get over that hump.)
I wish I had some advice for you. That just sounds like a tough situation.
Sending you a virtual hug. **hug**
I have a girlfriend that financed her boyfriend's car for him because he has no credit. He lies all the time and won't get a job. He smokes weed but I'm not sure how much of that is playing into the situation. She makes his car payments for him and feels too sorry for him to kick him out. (I keep reassuring her she doesn't need to feel sorry for him but she can't seem to get over that hump.)
I wish I had some advice for you. That just sounds like a tough situation.
Sending you a virtual hug. **hug**
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