HoopNinja

I have been looking for a job for 3 years (yes 3 years) because I hate where I am at. Which I hate saying out loud because I am happy I at least have a job. I got shoved into the job 5 years ago due to budget cuts and it is not something I am even remotely interested in. In fact, I hate it. I wanted to go back to get a Masters in Social Work so I could work with kids like mine-since I already have the "clinical" part done. But XAH decided to quit his job and that was the end of that.

I have thought about going to school part time but it would take me 4 years to finish. I don't know if I can do that and if it would be cost effective because I am almost 52 and would have to take out student loans. I need to be saving money for my kid's college. In fact I know I can't go back to school. I am barely keeping my head above water now.

I saw the letter in the mailbox today and I just burst out crying. I wanted that job so bad. The rest of the jobs I interviewed for I could do and I would be happy--but I wanted this job. It felt right for me.

Lately I feel trapped in life. In a job I hate and hate that I am not thankful for having it. But 8 hours doing something you think is a total waste of time is eating away at my soul. I want to do something that makes a difference. I have never been a paper pusher. In fact this is the first sit down job I have ever had.

Between work, the kids trying their hardest to get through this first year after the divorce in a new house and school (and their attachment and trauma behavior is in full bloom) and the holidays s**k. I have no money to buy them anything. I am trying not to charge a thing but have. In 15 minutes someone is coming over to take most of the train stuff I have bought for the kids that they never really use anymore. Stuff I promised myself I would never sell because my mom got rid of everything I had as a kid. I kept out a small train set and some of the trains just so it would not all be gone. I am trying to sell other toys they don't use either--if I don't there will not be much under the Christmas tree. I know Christmas is not about stuff--I just want them to wake up Christmas morning in their new house where Santa is coming for the first time and not think--OK one more thing about this divorce that is not fun.

I am just really really depressed right now.

lillamy

I'm sorry. I don't know that I have anything to say that doesn't sound trite. I've had jobs that felt just like that, and I know how much it stinks. I also think that maybe it stinks even more for you now when you're in this new place post-divorce where you feel like you have this whole new life... and you're hauling this wet soggy blanket of a boring job along with you...

Maybe researching what your options are for going to school PT would clarify things? Maybe I'm not thinking about this totally clearly (I'm not a financial advisor by any stretch of the imagination) but I'm thinking that it could be a good investment for you to go back to school if it would make you happier, and maybe set you up for making more money than you do now, thereby making it possible for you to set more money aside once you have a new career?

Either way, remember that there are many ways the divorce doesn't suck. And your kids probably already feel that, too, even if you're not seeing it in them.

wicked

Oh, HoopNinja,
Dammit, dammit, dammit.
Okay, right now you feel like everything sucks. I say give it some serious wallow in the crap fest. If you feel any better in a few minutes, I have some hope for you.
Yep, you can do this woman. Good god almighty, if you made it through a divorce from that crazy man, you can do anything.
I understand that bad feeling that nothing gets better, but it does. It really does.
I bet there are even people here with better ideas than me! LOL

Okay, I also want to remind you, YOU are not your mother.
You are hoop ninja. Not your mother.
Repeat that several times, and know that your boys know you love them.
And that is what it is all about, Christmas.

Beth
your secret admirer. teehee

Hollyanne

Hi Hoop,
It is NOT a waste of time as it is helping you and the kids!
Would you think of reaching out to see if there is a toy drive in a local church or something. We all can use a little help and we help in return when we can.
Big hugs and hang in there. It will happen, I promise. Yea, I do!

yorkiegirl

There is a brighter side (a glass half full) to your situation, I'm sure. It may not reveal itself just yet. Perhaps this is a "gift" from the universe or your HP. . . In time, you may know. Until then, big hugs to you.

coyote21

When I got laid off and had to "tighten up", a lot of the silly little kid stuff we spent a lot of money on had to stop. I explained it to LMC that not to worry, we had plenty to live on, but couldn't spend frivolously any more.

She's fine, I on the other hand felt like a big LOSER for a while. I think the lack of money/Christmas stuff is probably WAY harder on US than THEM. I promise you LMC loves the lunches and school stuff I have time to attend now WAY more, than more plastic crap.

She's even reeled her Santa list way in, and Santa/Nana, who has plenty to spend is "confused". Ha!

Might be a good opportunity to jump off the "Commercialization of our Kids" train. I for one, can't stand the whole "commercials aimed at kids" thing. When I'm king of the world, I'm stopping that crap!

Oh, and another bonus for me, I let her mom and "clan" have every Christmas. Guess who doesn't ever have to buy presents till the "after Christmas sales" hit. That's right, this guy.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

P.S. I got all prepared to go to grad school when I was about your age, passed the gmat, got all the letters of recommendation, lined up financing, then figured I was too old to spend 2-3 years back in college.

Well I'm 58, and planning on it NOW, I'd be FINISHED! Damnit, just go for it if you want to.

wicked

Hoop,

I just remembered something I read, (coyote reminded me).
four years is gonna pass anyway, why not spend that time going to school, and get what you want, the time passes, spend it doing what you love.
i think that was the title of the book too.
"do what you love and the money will follow."

Beth

HoopNinja

You guys--thanks so much.

OK wicked I had my little wallow. Now it is off to watch a movie (I love redbox) with the kids on our only machine that can play a movie (my laptop that I am on now!)

You are right-4 years will pass. I have all the stuff I prepped when I was going to go 3 years ago. I'll revamp it and send it in. I know I have until February (yikes not a lot of time). I will need to see if I can get someone to watch the kids on my weekends.

OK, I'm going to think seriously about this. In the meantime, I'm going to take a legal research class that starts in January. I need my brain to function again. I feel brain dead in the job I am in.

Leise--the thing about the job--it is in a field I do not care about. It is regulatory law (OK, if anyone out there does regulatory law I do not want to offend you). I have always been involved in law where there is a lot of face to face contact. Lots of interviewing and lots of testifying. I have a hard time doing the in box out box thing. I'm just not built for it. I wish there was an aspect of this that I liked-but I don't. It is telecommunications law. I know my job and every once in awhile I run into a sarcastic woman consultant and we can laugh our brains out at how totally absurd and useless some of the stuff we do is.

OK--I have a 5 year old. I am not retiring any time soon! So if I graduate at 55 I still have at least 10 more years of work in me. I know the therapist we use is in her late 60s and still going strong.

Thanks for the hope! I love you guys!

wicked

Excellent! I think you are halfway there. Yep, I think you are one of those people who finishes what she starts.
Yep, this made my day.
A legend in my own mind!
LOL
You can do this.

Beth

HoopNinja

OK Lyn now that is just weird that we both work in the utility area and don't like our jobs so much! lol

When people I work with get into heated discussions I am sittng there thinking how can this be exciting for you.

theuncertainty

Hugs, HoopNinja. I totally get the Christmas presents for the kids thing. Things have been tight here, too. Coyote, I'm with you that marketing to kids has to stop.

DS and I make ornaments: yarn and popsicle sticks, paper stars. This year I think we'll try salt dough ornaments or cinnamon - applesauce ornaments (there are a lot of recipes online). He's finger-knit a 'garland' using a soft squishy (and cheap) yarn while I work on a sweater I hope I'll finish before he outgrows it. We make cookies or bread together and sing. He has snowball wars with his cousins...

He gets super excited about opening the presents, but he's just as excited for us to open the presents he found or made and wrapped for us.

I know he treasures the memories of doing stuff together with family more than the cheap plastic toys - or even the clothes I end up buying for Christmas presents because he needs them. He talks about 'Remember when we made the snowman ornament?' 'Remember when I helped you with the bread the first time?' 'Can we make apple cinnamon oatmeal raisin bread again?' 'Remember when we had a snowball fight and Cousin missed me and got Uncle while he shoveled?'

I know my favorite memories of the Holidays are of helping Mom make fudge by cleaning the spoon and pan, of turning off all of the lights and just looking at the Christmas tree and out the window at the snow.

Toys do tend to get given away. DS outgrows them and I ask if we can give them away to a littler boy or girl who would play with them. Usually, if he says no, he'll play with it for a few more days and then say 'OK, let's give it to some one else.' I guess my point is, the toys go away or get broken, but the memories stay.

Oh, on the job front. Maybe there was something wrong with it that you didn't know about (but your HP did). Months/years from now, you'll find out the boss was a raging dufus, or they would have required to you work massive hours and be away from your kids a lot more, or .... I don't know. But maybe you really dodged a bullet here. Or your HP is waiting for you to find *this* job, over here, look this way. Or your HP is saying 'Yep, you can go back to school.'

Was glad to read your post where you sounded a bit better. Hang in there!

skippernlilg

Hoop,

I read your post with great interest. I'm a single mom, and I'm going back to school full time next semester to change my career completely. I'm in mid-life and I can't believe I"m actually doing it, but I am. Financially, it's a real stretch.

I received financial aid with a Pell Grant by filling out my FAFSA forms. My school's financial aid office has been extremely helpful. You may see if you qualify for different grants and/or scholarships before going into debt with a student loan and see if that helps you.

I think this is a real possibility for you, since it is working for me!!

LaTeeDa

I can totally relate to the 8-hour a day job that sucks the soul out of you. I am in the same place, career wise. Totally different circumstances, but I want out of my cubicle so bad I can taste it! My children are older, so my plan is for the next 2-3 years and I am working on starting my own business, totally different from what I am doing now. It's what keeps me going.

Anyway, my plans are not important to you. The point is to get a plan of your own. When I feel stuck, I know it's because I am too narrowly focused and not considering all the options that are out there.

I would highly recommend getting your hands on a book called "Wishcraft" by Barbara Sher. It is an excellent way to figure out what your dreams are, and develop a plan for attaining them. It was suggested to me a few years ago on this forum and has helped me to really think outside the box in ways I never would have.

Best wishes to you as you grow into your new life!

L

Edit to add: I, too, went through a time when I was applying like mad for other jobs. And that was before the economy took a dump, and I still got turned down over and over. Looking back, I'm so happy I didn't get any of those jobs because it would have delayed or prevented me discovering my passion.

HoopNinja

OK I did something for myself today that was totally ridiculous. Santa still needs to get something for me (I just don't think xah will come through with getting small things for the kids to give me. . .and I love those homemade ornaments! Thanks goodness for school).

I got an email from my hoop instructor that she just got a shipment of collapsible hoops because she knew I wanted one (and the woman who makes these hoops actually had a NASA engineer design the connections that allows it to collpase). Very slick. I had enough cash to get one so younger DS and I drove over to her house and she had lots of fun ones and I picked something I WOULD NEVER normally pick because it was too flashy and girly. But I thought--this is what I need. So it is gold glitter tape and florescent pink gaffer tape!l Yeah baby--you'll see me hooping from 2 blocks away!! I'll take a picture of it later and post it. No LED hoop from Santa this year but I'll shine with this one instead!

HoopNinja

Oh and younger DS asked if he could wrap it up for me and it could be from him. Absolutely. Yep I paid for it--but he wanted to give me something and that is HUGE for him.

theuncertainty

Aren't they the sweetest? We went last weekend to a green house/gift store to pick out a Christmas Tree (courtesy of my sister and BIL) and DS wanted to pick out presents. I said OK, we can look. He walked around and was picking up a beautiful crystal perfume bottle and I wandered his way. I told him, oh, honey, I think that's out of our price range for any one and he looked up at me with his beautiful blue eyes and said, 'But it's beautiful like you and I want to give it to you for Christmas.' Awww. We put it back and he found other beautiful things (a lovely 2"x3" notebook and a votive candle that smell divine, but I'm supposed to not see them.)

Ditto the XAH not helping DS shop here, too. I've been gone from him for 2.5 years and it's been 5 years since I got a present (birthday, Christmas, Valentine's or Mother's day) that my sister or I weren't responsible for helping DS pick out (DS is 6). The reasons to be happy I'm free of him just keep on rolling.

HoopNinja

Awwww, uncertainty that is the sweetest thing in the world. To me, that would be the gift I want. Sometimes my sons will tell me I am pretty when I come downstairs after getting ready for work. There is something about a 5 and 10 year old telling you "You look really pretty mama." Just makes my day. Only time xah ever said that to me was when he wanted something from me.

theuncertainty

I know. He just makes my heart sing.