Chrismtmas Issues with drinking
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Ottawa, Ontario
Posts: 135
Chrismtmas Issues with drinking
Glad to be here on day 19. Feel pretty good. Work has never been better. I feel like my old-self. Humour is back. Just doing better you know.
K now the real problem. The horrible truth.
My sister has invited me to her Christmas. I'm alone otherwise as my relationship with the rest of the family is pretty nil for stuff like this.
Thing is she drinks and smokes pot and her boyfriend drank even more than I did. They don't know I'm sober only a few friends know and my therapist.
I don't want to blow her off because I love her. But I can see no way to get through 2 days with them without binging in a major way. Like crazy morning Champagne and orange juice right up to whisky all day till we pass out.
Thing is that sounds pretty good. I feel like I've already failed. I'm not in danger right now tonight or even next week but....
I know what you'll say, but please say it anyway. I think I need to hear it.
K now the real problem. The horrible truth.
My sister has invited me to her Christmas. I'm alone otherwise as my relationship with the rest of the family is pretty nil for stuff like this.
Thing is she drinks and smokes pot and her boyfriend drank even more than I did. They don't know I'm sober only a few friends know and my therapist.
I don't want to blow her off because I love her. But I can see no way to get through 2 days with them without binging in a major way. Like crazy morning Champagne and orange juice right up to whisky all day till we pass out.
Thing is that sounds pretty good. I feel like I've already failed. I'm not in danger right now tonight or even next week but....
I know what you'll say, but please say it anyway. I think I need to hear it.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,511
Yeah, I think you know what you need to do. And, it's not going to be easy.
Is there any way that you can get together with your sister, where there is no alcohol?
Congratulations on 19 sober days!
Is there any way that you can get together with your sister, where there is no alcohol?
Congratulations on 19 sober days!
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
During early sobriety, it is best to steer clear of places or people that could potentially cause a relapse. If it is already causing you distress, then that's your gut telling you something. It's really up to you how determined you are to live a sober life.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 1,591
Why don't you want to tell your sister about your recent decision to be sober? Too soon to find the right words?
The brass tacks of it to me is that she needs to hear the truth and that you need to go without the visit if you think you would end up drinking (and sounds like it would be a risky environment if they spend Xmas consuming alcohol/drugs). Sorry to sound bytchy, but love, schmove. If you are not supposed to be drinking and don't want to run the risk of drinking, then you shouldn't be in a context like that.
Maybe you would simplify things if you did present her with the truth. But there is absolutely no guarantee of that, when I consider my own case: I told people that mattered to me about my decision and I got "Why don't you come down from your cross?" in one case and drunken invitations to stop by the bar in another. I still resent both at least a little, but not as badly as I did before; and I have been doing what I need to do for me, and that's support myself in my choice to be sober rather than to be around people that can't or choose not to do the same. Ideally I would want you to have a better suport network than what I have described.
The brass tacks of it to me is that she needs to hear the truth and that you need to go without the visit if you think you would end up drinking (and sounds like it would be a risky environment if they spend Xmas consuming alcohol/drugs). Sorry to sound bytchy, but love, schmove. If you are not supposed to be drinking and don't want to run the risk of drinking, then you shouldn't be in a context like that.
Maybe you would simplify things if you did present her with the truth. But there is absolutely no guarantee of that, when I consider my own case: I told people that mattered to me about my decision and I got "Why don't you come down from your cross?" in one case and drunken invitations to stop by the bar in another. I still resent both at least a little, but not as badly as I did before; and I have been doing what I need to do for me, and that's support myself in my choice to be sober rather than to be around people that can't or choose not to do the same. Ideally I would want you to have a better suport network than what I have described.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Ottawa, Ontario
Posts: 135
(I posted this just before I saw Toronto 68's message)
Your both right. I know the right thing to do. I don't want to hurt her feelings but I don't want to drink. And there's no way I would not drink in that situation. But it means spending Christmas alone for the first time in three years.
I'll have to make something up.... but I'm lying again. Isn't this what I was trying to get away from. Lying and hiding.
Your both right. I know the right thing to do. I don't want to hurt her feelings but I don't want to drink. And there's no way I would not drink in that situation. But it means spending Christmas alone for the first time in three years.
I'll have to make something up.... but I'm lying again. Isn't this what I was trying to get away from. Lying and hiding.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,443
I spent years going with the flow, even tho I knew at some fundamental level I didn't want to, and it was killing me.
Make this Xmas the first of many sober ones Tendencies.
I would not go - especially as you've said
If there's nowhere else you can go, think about doing some volunteering work or something yourself Xmas Day 
D
Make this Xmas the first of many sober ones Tendencies.
I would not go - especially as you've said
But I can see no way to get through 2 days with them without binging in a major way. Like crazy morning Champagne and orange juice right up to whisky all day till we pass out.
Thing is that sounds pretty good. I feel like I've already failed.
Thing is that sounds pretty good. I feel like I've already failed.
D
and hopes that you can do the right thing for yourself.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 1,591
Tendencies, I usually spend Xmas alone. There have been times I have integrated into other people's Xmases, depending on the people I am involved with as friends or (ahem) lovers. But the mainstay of my experience is being by myself and also drinking too. I'm going to have my second no-alcohol Xmas this year, whether I am by myself or not. (Well, at least that is what I am saying today, but it looks that way, given the path I have been on.)
I don't want to minimize what Xmas must mean to you, but when I think about what most recovering alcoholics would think, it seems like "one Xmas alone" doesn't seem like that big of a deal.
I noticed your post above, but not sure why you want to hide the drinking. Is it the shame factor? There's not a lot I can say to change feelings that are really deep down, it would be like trying to teach you to tapdance over these boards. (Just a silly analogy.)
If you love her and she is the type of sister that communicates closely with you, I don't see why it has to be that hard to share this info, but I am not going to coax you to, by the same token. I would rather see you continue not to drink and get used to that first. The one thing that does stand out to me is the timing, as I guessed earlier, that it might take more time for you to get the nerve to bring it up. If you don't ever want to tell her, well, I can't condemn that either, it's really not my life and my relationships. It's not my sobriety either, but if you need reminders about common sense, I can try to give you that. If you think you would end up drinking around her, then I guess you have to figure out how else to pass the time. Some people opt for spending time with other alcoholics, but I haven't done that before. The way I see it, it's a way of constructively staying away from risky contexts on a holiday and also a way to spend time with other human beings for those that wouldn't want to be by themselves.
I don't want to minimize what Xmas must mean to you, but when I think about what most recovering alcoholics would think, it seems like "one Xmas alone" doesn't seem like that big of a deal.
I noticed your post above, but not sure why you want to hide the drinking. Is it the shame factor? There's not a lot I can say to change feelings that are really deep down, it would be like trying to teach you to tapdance over these boards. (Just a silly analogy.)
If you love her and she is the type of sister that communicates closely with you, I don't see why it has to be that hard to share this info, but I am not going to coax you to, by the same token. I would rather see you continue not to drink and get used to that first. The one thing that does stand out to me is the timing, as I guessed earlier, that it might take more time for you to get the nerve to bring it up. If you don't ever want to tell her, well, I can't condemn that either, it's really not my life and my relationships. It's not my sobriety either, but if you need reminders about common sense, I can try to give you that. If you think you would end up drinking around her, then I guess you have to figure out how else to pass the time. Some people opt for spending time with other alcoholics, but I haven't done that before. The way I see it, it's a way of constructively staying away from risky contexts on a holiday and also a way to spend time with other human beings for those that wouldn't want to be by themselves.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: West Coast, Australia
Posts: 319
Hi Tendencies
I'm with Toronto68. And in reinforcing that:
1/ YOU are number One
2/ You have a right to get better
3/ At the moment, (just about) everything else is secondary
4/ Therefore, make decisions that will ensure you stay sober
All the best Tendencies - I wrote yesterday on another thread that I have been organising our Christmas day - we'll be doing skits (we're doing a Monty Python "I want to buy an argument"), playing games, watching old christmas video's, charades etc. I've been firm on change because I don't want it to be another eat/drink fest. If you decide not to go to your sisters, then make the day special to you (somehow).
All the best and keep strong.
Rosco.
Life=Fun; Alcohol=Devastation.
I'm with Toronto68. And in reinforcing that:
1/ YOU are number One
2/ You have a right to get better
3/ At the moment, (just about) everything else is secondary
4/ Therefore, make decisions that will ensure you stay sober
All the best Tendencies - I wrote yesterday on another thread that I have been organising our Christmas day - we'll be doing skits (we're doing a Monty Python "I want to buy an argument"), playing games, watching old christmas video's, charades etc. I've been firm on change because I don't want it to be another eat/drink fest. If you decide not to go to your sisters, then make the day special to you (somehow).
All the best and keep strong.
Rosco.
Life=Fun; Alcohol=Devastation.
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 68
I would at least show up, you only have one sister. Doesn't mean you have to stay the whole time.
My family are super party people too..Thanksgiving was the first family holiday I was sober at in a long long time. Funny thing is even though I think 3 bottles of rum were drank by various family members I couldn't actually tell anyone was drunk.
Always figured everyone was out of control sloppy drunk..naa it was just me the whole time.
It was actually much more fun too, actually remember the whole night.
My family are super party people too..Thanksgiving was the first family holiday I was sober at in a long long time. Funny thing is even though I think 3 bottles of rum were drank by various family members I couldn't actually tell anyone was drunk.
Always figured everyone was out of control sloppy drunk..naa it was just me the whole time.
It was actually much more fun too, actually remember the whole night.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 218
Best bet: talk to her and decide whether or not to go based on whether or not she is supportive. Others care way less about our sobriety than we do....at least in my experience.
Second option: Go for a short amount of time and then leave. Set it up that way beforehand....or go over there very late. This obviously won't work unless you live nearby.
Third option: Figure out something to do that doesn't involve having to either drink or hide that you are sober.
Good luck. I know it is tough.
Second option: Go for a short amount of time and then leave. Set it up that way beforehand....or go over there very late. This obviously won't work unless you live nearby.
Third option: Figure out something to do that doesn't involve having to either drink or hide that you are sober.
Good luck. I know it is tough.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Ottawa, Ontario
Posts: 135
Well I can't drink I'm committed to that. And no I'm not going to say anything about my new found sobriety. It's a complicated issue relating to her own substance abuse problems and those of her boyfriend. You might not get it but me saying I have a problem with drinking and telling her I quit would be a threat to her. And that kind of xmas is one I don't need.
So I can't go or I can go for a couple of hours as she lives in the country I would have to drive so I can't drink that way. I don't know about that.
I have considered the volunteer experience as well. In many ways it sounds appealing.
My father was/is an alcoholic and he is so used to being without family at Christmas it's not a big deal to him at all.
I come from a family of heavy drinkers and family events that a just drenched in alcohol. That is normal and even encouraged.
I"m doing so well. Feel so well. I hate myself when I drink. Why is this such a problem for me? I know if I drank I would see that as an ok to drink the next day and then... I'm lost again.
So I can't go or I can go for a couple of hours as she lives in the country I would have to drive so I can't drink that way. I don't know about that.
I have considered the volunteer experience as well. In many ways it sounds appealing.
My father was/is an alcoholic and he is so used to being without family at Christmas it's not a big deal to him at all.
I come from a family of heavy drinkers and family events that a just drenched in alcohol. That is normal and even encouraged.
I"m doing so well. Feel so well. I hate myself when I drink. Why is this such a problem for me? I know if I drank I would see that as an ok to drink the next day and then... I'm lost again.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,443
I never managed the 'keeping people happy and staying sober' tango.
In my family the two things are diametrically opposed.
My family are big drinkers too - I put their desire to have me there, and my desire to make them happy, against my desire to stay sober - for many years.
A lot of the time family Xmas drinks saw me waking up in March.
4 years ago I decided I wasn't prepared to do that anymore - for anyone.
I went back last Xmas, when I was sure I could handle it, and I stayed sober.
That being said, I didn't enjoy it and I'll be doing something else this year
Eventually Tendencies, you have to do whats right for you....or be lost.
D
In my family the two things are diametrically opposed.
My family are big drinkers too - I put their desire to have me there, and my desire to make them happy, against my desire to stay sober - for many years.
A lot of the time family Xmas drinks saw me waking up in March.
4 years ago I decided I wasn't prepared to do that anymore - for anyone.
I went back last Xmas, when I was sure I could handle it, and I stayed sober.
That being said, I didn't enjoy it and I'll be doing something else this year
Eventually Tendencies, you have to do whats right for you....or be lost.
D
New to Real Life
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: I come in Peaces
Posts: 2,071
My family are all drinkers, too and my sister and I especially used to drink a LOT together. She was here for Thanksgiving and it was hard. She and my husband drank all day together. They drank like I used to. Just all.day.long but never really getting trashed (but like, 2 bottles of wine each over the course of the day). I used to get trashed plenty but my favorite thing was the all day long buzz.
Anyway I am pregnant so not drinking is socially accepted. But I did tell her that I wasn't going back to drinking after I have the baby because I think it makes me depressed and dislike how hard it is for me to drink in moderation. So, I haven't come out and said the 'A' word because I know she'll feel judged and I don't want to go there.
IDK if this is the right approach but it'll have to do for now. Not sure if you could tell your sister something half assed like that as you ease into your first Christmas.
Anyway I am pregnant so not drinking is socially accepted. But I did tell her that I wasn't going back to drinking after I have the baby because I think it makes me depressed and dislike how hard it is for me to drink in moderation. So, I haven't come out and said the 'A' word because I know she'll feel judged and I don't want to go there.
IDK if this is the right approach but it'll have to do for now. Not sure if you could tell your sister something half assed like that as you ease into your first Christmas.
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