Letting Go vs. Giving Up (My Intro)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 19
Letting Go vs. Giving Up (My Intro)
Right now I am having a hard time with seeing the difference between letting go and giving up on my best friend. Prior to meeting me, he abused a variety of drugs from the ages of 14-18, when a suicide attempt and a drug related arrest convinced his parents to send him to rehab and then therapy. He was attending meetings ever day, getting stronger, and while still struggling he was slowly starting to feel better.
I realize now that he was on rocky footing, because he was placing his reasons for sobriety externally instead of finding a reason inside. I didn't realize this however until September when a very close friend passed away. About two weeks after the funeral my best friend waited for a weekend when I was going to be out of town then smoked marijuana with some mutual friends of ours. He told me as soon as I was back in town, said he felt guilty about it, regretted it, and that he wanted to see if he could handle it. It was stupid of me, but I believed him. He then smoked again with these same friends about a week later when I was not around. When I arrived later in the evening, he immediately told me what he had done. I was angry and hurt that he had used again and that people who were supposed to be mutual friends had enabled him and I left.
We then had a heart to heart about his stagnant recovery. He broke down and said he knows that he is not doing all that he needs to be doing in order to help himself. He feels overwhelmed, so he doesn't want to even start the process over again. He is not happy with where he is right now, and he is afraid for his future. The most scary thing he told me was that since he was on probation for a drug charge he has to take hair tests, and that if he failed the drug tests he was going to kill himself. When I asked about his sponsor, he told me that the close friend who had died had been his sponsor, which makes everything harder. He said that he was no longer attending meetings because he found them to be too "gritty" in the town we live in. I offered to drive him to another city where he liked the meetings and I also offered to take him to his choice of casual meetings held at the local churches, and while he seemed interested he never took me up on the offer.
I realize that he needs to make a change for himself, and that there comes a point when he needs to be the one to initiate it. He hasn't done anything since our big talk. We no longer hang out with the mutual friends who smoke because they are bottoming out and are now interested in nothing but drugs. He is upset and critical about this, as well as a friend he looked up to in rehab who has begun using drugs again.
Though he has a negative view on drugs and stopped hanging out with old friends because of it, he has recently started hanging out with new friends who smoke just as much as the old ones, and he mentioned feeling tempted to join. As soon as I noticed that he was too intensely attracted to this group for it to be a normal friendship and that he was setting himself up for a situation he might not be able to handle, I mentioned my concern. He lied to me and said that he didn't like those friends that much and that I had nothing to be concerned about, but later that evening he went and smoked with them. Two days later he asked me over to his house, and when i got there these people were over. Everyone was clearly high. He then asked me if it was okay if he went to someone's car and smoked. I felt like he was trying to put his choice on me. I told him it was his decision, so he did it. He then became violently ill and vomited in the bathroom for over an hour before falling asleep in bed. I sent everyone home, made sure he was okay, and left.
He started texting me later in the night when he had woken up and tried to act as though everything was normal. The next day he called me and tried to say that he had drank alot and that's why he had been sick. I told him that I knew that wasn't the real reason. He asked how I felt about him smoking, and I said that my feelings didn't really matter, that it was a choice he had made and his life that was going to be affected. He said that he felt like he had compromised everything he has worked for, and that he keeps making bad decisions he doesn't want to make. He is off probation now, and he says that he is scared because he can no longer use that as an excuse. When I asked why he had smoked, he said that he is attracted to someone in the new group and that he wanted to feel social and that he is funny when he is high, and that his self-esteem is too low for him to be able to be sober.
He thinks that he can socially smoke and be okay. He thinks that weekends wont eventually turn into every day, and that he won't eventually go right back to the harder drugs that had him really hooked. He thinks that because we are in college and everyone is smoking that he can to and it won't be a big deal. He thinks he is in control right now, and really he is so far from it. And the frustrating thing is he realizes it and is so guilty and ashamed about every time he smokes. He won't talk to anyone about this but me. I've had my past with drugs, lost friends to it before, and he feels like no one understands like I do. I am very scared because I have been down this road with other friends, and I see a lot of warning signs in him. I think he is slowly but surely getting himself into something that he can't get out of.
My biggest issue is how do I distinguish between letting go and giving up? I am getting better at realizing that no matter how much I love him, his best friend will be addiction. I am realizing that it is unfair of the both of us to put me in the position of the voice of reason when he faces temptation, because there are times when I am not there and he will have to find an internal voice. I am realizing no magical word will break though and change the situation because he is still fighting the realization that he is not back to normal. It's hurting me that it's becoming more a threat that I am going to lose him to addiction, because he seems to be setting himself up for no other alternative. How do I remain supportive and encouraging and active in his life without hurting myself by watching him fade? It's hard for me to distinguish between being around in support of him versus being around while he is engaging in unhealthy choices that I do not support. I feel like if I stepped out of the picture he would feel like I was giving up on him (he says losing me is his biggest fear), and that is something I don't want him to feel. So please, give me any and all advice. What's the best way to help at this point?
My apologies for how long this turned out to be. I have a lot to get off my chest, and it seems like this might be the only place I can go. Just reading through the forums has helped a lot.
I realize now that he was on rocky footing, because he was placing his reasons for sobriety externally instead of finding a reason inside. I didn't realize this however until September when a very close friend passed away. About two weeks after the funeral my best friend waited for a weekend when I was going to be out of town then smoked marijuana with some mutual friends of ours. He told me as soon as I was back in town, said he felt guilty about it, regretted it, and that he wanted to see if he could handle it. It was stupid of me, but I believed him. He then smoked again with these same friends about a week later when I was not around. When I arrived later in the evening, he immediately told me what he had done. I was angry and hurt that he had used again and that people who were supposed to be mutual friends had enabled him and I left.
We then had a heart to heart about his stagnant recovery. He broke down and said he knows that he is not doing all that he needs to be doing in order to help himself. He feels overwhelmed, so he doesn't want to even start the process over again. He is not happy with where he is right now, and he is afraid for his future. The most scary thing he told me was that since he was on probation for a drug charge he has to take hair tests, and that if he failed the drug tests he was going to kill himself. When I asked about his sponsor, he told me that the close friend who had died had been his sponsor, which makes everything harder. He said that he was no longer attending meetings because he found them to be too "gritty" in the town we live in. I offered to drive him to another city where he liked the meetings and I also offered to take him to his choice of casual meetings held at the local churches, and while he seemed interested he never took me up on the offer.
I realize that he needs to make a change for himself, and that there comes a point when he needs to be the one to initiate it. He hasn't done anything since our big talk. We no longer hang out with the mutual friends who smoke because they are bottoming out and are now interested in nothing but drugs. He is upset and critical about this, as well as a friend he looked up to in rehab who has begun using drugs again.
Though he has a negative view on drugs and stopped hanging out with old friends because of it, he has recently started hanging out with new friends who smoke just as much as the old ones, and he mentioned feeling tempted to join. As soon as I noticed that he was too intensely attracted to this group for it to be a normal friendship and that he was setting himself up for a situation he might not be able to handle, I mentioned my concern. He lied to me and said that he didn't like those friends that much and that I had nothing to be concerned about, but later that evening he went and smoked with them. Two days later he asked me over to his house, and when i got there these people were over. Everyone was clearly high. He then asked me if it was okay if he went to someone's car and smoked. I felt like he was trying to put his choice on me. I told him it was his decision, so he did it. He then became violently ill and vomited in the bathroom for over an hour before falling asleep in bed. I sent everyone home, made sure he was okay, and left.
He started texting me later in the night when he had woken up and tried to act as though everything was normal. The next day he called me and tried to say that he had drank alot and that's why he had been sick. I told him that I knew that wasn't the real reason. He asked how I felt about him smoking, and I said that my feelings didn't really matter, that it was a choice he had made and his life that was going to be affected. He said that he felt like he had compromised everything he has worked for, and that he keeps making bad decisions he doesn't want to make. He is off probation now, and he says that he is scared because he can no longer use that as an excuse. When I asked why he had smoked, he said that he is attracted to someone in the new group and that he wanted to feel social and that he is funny when he is high, and that his self-esteem is too low for him to be able to be sober.
He thinks that he can socially smoke and be okay. He thinks that weekends wont eventually turn into every day, and that he won't eventually go right back to the harder drugs that had him really hooked. He thinks that because we are in college and everyone is smoking that he can to and it won't be a big deal. He thinks he is in control right now, and really he is so far from it. And the frustrating thing is he realizes it and is so guilty and ashamed about every time he smokes. He won't talk to anyone about this but me. I've had my past with drugs, lost friends to it before, and he feels like no one understands like I do. I am very scared because I have been down this road with other friends, and I see a lot of warning signs in him. I think he is slowly but surely getting himself into something that he can't get out of.
My biggest issue is how do I distinguish between letting go and giving up? I am getting better at realizing that no matter how much I love him, his best friend will be addiction. I am realizing that it is unfair of the both of us to put me in the position of the voice of reason when he faces temptation, because there are times when I am not there and he will have to find an internal voice. I am realizing no magical word will break though and change the situation because he is still fighting the realization that he is not back to normal. It's hurting me that it's becoming more a threat that I am going to lose him to addiction, because he seems to be setting himself up for no other alternative. How do I remain supportive and encouraging and active in his life without hurting myself by watching him fade? It's hard for me to distinguish between being around in support of him versus being around while he is engaging in unhealthy choices that I do not support. I feel like if I stepped out of the picture he would feel like I was giving up on him (he says losing me is his biggest fear), and that is something I don't want him to feel. So please, give me any and all advice. What's the best way to help at this point?
My apologies for how long this turned out to be. I have a lot to get off my chest, and it seems like this might be the only place I can go. Just reading through the forums has helped a lot.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,868
He knows you don't want him to smoke pot. He still smokes pot. It doesn't sound like he's ready to quit. Until he is, he'll keep making excuses (and yes, all those things about the "grimey" AA meeting, the old friends, the new friends, yada, yada, are just excuses. Oh, and the threat of suicide is just manipulation. He takes the opportunity to sneak off and smoke any time you aren't around. He tells you about it and acts appropriately guilty to keep you hanging on. The truth of the matter is, it doesn't sound like the guy wants to stop smoking pot regardless of what he says.
Letting go means that you realize that nothing you say can stop him from doing exactly what he wants to do. You stop worrying about who his friends are and whether or not he'll smoke with them. It means that you step back and quit being his sounding board when he brings up the fact that he has smoked. You stop talking to him about AA or any other kind of recovery. You stop taking care of him and tucking him into bed when he throws up. You allow him to face the consequences of his own bad decisions. The guy is an adult and knows what to do if he wants help for his addiction.
Letting go means that you realize that nothing you say can stop him from doing exactly what he wants to do. You stop worrying about who his friends are and whether or not he'll smoke with them. It means that you step back and quit being his sounding board when he brings up the fact that he has smoked. You stop talking to him about AA or any other kind of recovery. You stop taking care of him and tucking him into bed when he throws up. You allow him to face the consequences of his own bad decisions. The guy is an adult and knows what to do if he wants help for his addiction.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome to SR.....it's difficult to watch a friend fall into the vortex of drug abuse and not feel like we can do something about it......we can't. If love could cure it or make them stop, none of us would be here.
Detaching......letting go......means we stop worrying about it. We don't stop loving them but sometimes we can't be around them and that's ok. We let things happen that are brought about by their addiction. We don't protect them. We don't lecture them. It's not that we don't care, it's just that we understand that we cannot control what they do but we CAN control our reaction to what they do.
I hope that helps. Stay focused on taking care of yourself and don't let your friend pull you into their world.
gentle hugs
ke
Detaching......letting go......means we stop worrying about it. We don't stop loving them but sometimes we can't be around them and that's ok. We let things happen that are brought about by their addiction. We don't protect them. We don't lecture them. It's not that we don't care, it's just that we understand that we cannot control what they do but we CAN control our reaction to what they do.
I hope that helps. Stay focused on taking care of yourself and don't let your friend pull you into their world.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
I would suggest that there is likely free counseling available on campus. He may be having problems with grief and other things beyond addiction. I never take thoughts of suicide lightly.
I hope he gets help.
Please don't feel like you must rescue him tho'. It won't/can't work and it will only bring both of you down further than ever.
Taking good care of yourself is the best role modeling you can do...and it is the best thing you can do for yourself.
I am so sorry for the pain in your post.
You do deserve addiction free friends and to be able to live a normal life where you are not held responsible for anyone..as least not until you have children.
He will have to resolve his own burdens.
If this continues, it will destroy your friendship and you will both only resent each other.
Stepping back is an act of grace and dignity.
I hope he gets help.
Please don't feel like you must rescue him tho'. It won't/can't work and it will only bring both of you down further than ever.
Taking good care of yourself is the best role modeling you can do...and it is the best thing you can do for yourself.
I am so sorry for the pain in your post.
You do deserve addiction free friends and to be able to live a normal life where you are not held responsible for anyone..as least not until you have children.
He will have to resolve his own burdens.
If this continues, it will destroy your friendship and you will both only resent each other.
Stepping back is an act of grace and dignity.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 19
It is true that actions mean more than words, and it hurts. Last night was a conjoined graduation party for myself and a friend. My friend's new smoking buddies were invited by the person hosting the party. My best friend spent the entire evening going in and out of the house with his new friends, who were going out to a car to get high. He had this strange, forced, personality and it seemed like he barely even cared about anyone in the room except the people he was smoking with. Well, I assume to be smoking with. I didn't ask and I stayed away from him since I suspected. It hurts that he spent my graduation party getting high with people he just met. It hurts that I will be moving for a job out of state and he wants to spend the time I have left here high. It just hurts caring. At one point I had to go cry in a bedroom by myself for a while, but I was strong enough to not talk to him or be in the same room with him while he was high. He knew I was upset because someone noticed I had been crying and told him and a few of my other closest friends, but he didn't do anything. He just kept going and getting high. Words are so cheap. I feel foolish for believing lies and I wonder what parts of him are real and what are lies.
He doesn't want change. It's true what you all have said in your replies to my post. It's just becoming clear to me. In response to Live, there is counseling on campus that is free. I told him about it and he did nothing. I know addiction isn't his only issue. He also has very deep depression and has been grieving for a number of years due to a series of personal tragedies in his life (estrangement from parents, abuse as child, best friend's suicide, death of his sponsor). His rehab and therapy targeted that as well, but when he stopped going to those he stopped taking the medicine, which I can now see was him trying to be in control.
I thank everyone who replied for helping me. I never before saw that he was manipulating me through emotions. I guess I had a sense of terminal uniqueness that made me think he was different and he did want more for himself, he wasn't like other addicts. He has been using me as a way to feel less guilty when he uses I think. It's not fair though, I am a friend, not a confessor who will wash away his sins so he can go right out there are repeat the process with a clean mind. I deserve more. Thank you for helping me see, and make a plan on what I need to do for myself.
He doesn't want change. It's true what you all have said in your replies to my post. It's just becoming clear to me. In response to Live, there is counseling on campus that is free. I told him about it and he did nothing. I know addiction isn't his only issue. He also has very deep depression and has been grieving for a number of years due to a series of personal tragedies in his life (estrangement from parents, abuse as child, best friend's suicide, death of his sponsor). His rehab and therapy targeted that as well, but when he stopped going to those he stopped taking the medicine, which I can now see was him trying to be in control.
I thank everyone who replied for helping me. I never before saw that he was manipulating me through emotions. I guess I had a sense of terminal uniqueness that made me think he was different and he did want more for himself, he wasn't like other addicts. He has been using me as a way to feel less guilty when he uses I think. It's not fair though, I am a friend, not a confessor who will wash away his sins so he can go right out there are repeat the process with a clean mind. I deserve more. Thank you for helping me see, and make a plan on what I need to do for myself.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Well, it seems your user name has some basis in reality, OpenYourEyes.
I welcome you to Sober Recovery! I hope we can be of assistance to you on the path you choose. Trying to have any type of intimate relationship with a using addict is a study in pain and frustration.
I welcome you to Sober Recovery! I hope we can be of assistance to you on the path you choose. Trying to have any type of intimate relationship with a using addict is a study in pain and frustration.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
I am sorry that he disappointed you on your special celebration. Addicts can be trusted to do that if nothing else. It hurts.
I do want to congratulate you and wish you success and happiness in your upcoming move and new job! That sounds very exciting!
I do want to congratulate you and wish you success and happiness in your upcoming move and new job! That sounds very exciting!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
