daughter615

My father has been a herione addict all my life. He finally just had 8 years clean and recently ruined it with "using just a hand ful of times" as he puts it. I just found out today. Im heartbroken. I dont know what to do. He is full of excuses - he doesn't need a hospital, doesn't need a program, he made a mistake and thats all it was. All lies. All denials. He gets mad at me for suggesting solutions, tells me everyone thinks he's no good just because he's "tripped up". Theirs no talking sense to him. I've been crying since I found out around 10am. I KNOW theirs nothing I can do but let this run its course - no one can change him but himself. In the meantime, I already suffer from an anxiety disorder and that is off the charts now. I keep going in between being numb and burnt out to being an anxious crying mess. He is leaving my stepmother and probably has no place to go. I want him here and I dont want him here. Who knows what hes capable of at this point? Im lost. I am no drug addict or alcoholic, seeing my father all of my life has taught me that those are substances I will never touch, so he just tells me I have no idea what its like. And, he's right, I don't. I would never want to know. But I do know what its like being his daughter - and I am a wreck right now.

Sober25

I'm sorry to hear your dad is using again. Obviously it is very traumatic for you. I hope you know that his using is not your fault. You didn't cause it, you can't change it and it's all up to him to get help. But for you I would recommend one of two programs that are wonderful - AlAnon & ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics). Either of those fellowships would be a great way for you to get some help for you. Whether he chooses recovery or not, you deserve some peace of mind. Both of these programs have helped many people gain clarity and peace of mind.

guiab

Welcome to SR, daughter615!
It is tragic, beyond tragic, beyond 'sucks', that your dad is not doing any program. But it takes time and, from my knowledge, an addict or alcoholic finds his/her bottom when they decide that THEY have to change, that THEY have to do something, and that it must be done for THEIR own sake and not for someone else. No amount of guilt or anxiety on my part, or any of my siblings, or aunts, uncles, cousins, etc., ever did a thing to change either of my alcoholic parents. 'Letting go' is not abandoning or refusing to love your dad - you give him the dignity to decide his own fate and gives you a chance to heal yourself.
I used to work as a lifeguard on an ocean beach, and one of the key things I had to remember was to NEVER get close to a panicky swimmer, no matter how much they plead or call for help, because I risk getting pulled down myself (panic makes people very strong). Pretty much, one had to wait until the swimmer started to slip below the surface and was too exhausted to fight. I think addiction is like that.
I found I could change myself. I do my work on changing myself in alanon. You could check into the groups suggested by sober25. There is also Nar-anon, which is for relatives of addicts. (nar-anon.org).
Be well.

tabfan

Good words of wisdom, grewupinabarn! That is a good way of describing "the addict". They have to fight (panic) and fight until they are too exhausted to fight anymore and just want to accept help.

I, too, am an addict/alcoholic. I had to be shown that my own behavior is what got me into that intolerable situation, and NOTHING else!


daughter615: One has to remember that it is NEVER our job to give advice. I am not trying to give advice. All I can tell you is what worked for me, personally. When my own father was drinking (after my mother died and he was really, truly alone), I was torn as to what to do. I wanted to help, but his condition was so far advanced that I didn't want to put my house in his care when I went to work everyday (and my belongings). That would have just provided a temptation that he probably would not have been able to handle. After all, all he had to do was sell some of my stuff to get what he "wanted" in life at that time! I mean, he was an addict, just like I am!

I chose to leave him to his own devices. I would visit him in whatever humble home he was living in at the time, but I didn't go often, and I didn't stay long. The pain of seeing him in those conditions hurt my heart too much.

I loved him. I have always loved him and admired who he was (beneath the alcohol - before it damaged his life). He will always be my hero. But, I didn't need to drown to prove my love (for him) to him and the rest of my family!

PS= Go to Alanon. It works. It has worked for millions of us who love an alcoholic (or addict) in our lives.