being manipulated, kind of dont care, but really severe anxiety
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
being manipulated, kind of dont care, but really severe anxiety
My A has been here for 7 weeks today.
He has sleep problems, and so he stays up all night, then sleeps all day, He wants to change it, yet somehow never manages to set a single alarm.
I have been dealing with him, here, sober for 7 weeks, I have had some resentments build up, he was initially very responsive, and communicative, but that has abated quite a bit.
I have held boundaries, let some go, and ultimately found myself under too much stress to cope with so little sleep, due to him creeping around all night, nd due to the aggression and anger built up over him not waking up AFTER sleeping in to help out.
Even if he asked me to wake him up, and I try I am met with a cranky, entitled mean teenager yelling at me, or just ignoring me. I stopped trying.
I feel so squished, and decided to try something new.
I did not throw him out, I simply stated that I was having an issue and could he help me out with it.
I said "I am feeling resentful, and I dont want it to grow, and I need a few nights of solid sleep. Can you possibly go to your moms to stay for a few nights so I can catch up, and let some steam off? I am having trouble dealing with the anger. I know you cannot change your sleep problems, and I cant control that, so I am asking for a few days."
Silly me, I thought this was a good alternative to tossing him out entirely.
He said, "no. You suck. I wont go there to stay for a few days. I will go there, and find somewhere else to live for good. I dont need this crap. "
He is now floating around to friends houses, after agreeing before he left to go for a few days. He now says he is not coming back. That I threw him out again and he has no security, or stability. He says a wife does not throw a man out because he has insomnia.
He now has his perfect scenario to play as a victim of my intolerance to this "tiny little issue" that he has simplified the last 7 weeks down to. The last 7 years!!!.
Thats what I get for thinking I could be reasonable with a child.
NOw, I am second guessing myself. Am I too hard o him?
Should I have been able to find a way to deal with my anger and stress without pushing him out?
I hate this crap. Good intentions...
He will probably float around, playing victim, running the scenario past his friends and brothers and mother, leaving out how I tried to address it for a month calmly, then got mad at being belittled, then got more angry. He will minimize all the issues that have been tough and he will enlarge his contributions, and I am, once again, that unstable, angry bitter girl who cannot let go of the past.
He has sleep problems, and so he stays up all night, then sleeps all day, He wants to change it, yet somehow never manages to set a single alarm.
I have been dealing with him, here, sober for 7 weeks, I have had some resentments build up, he was initially very responsive, and communicative, but that has abated quite a bit.
I have held boundaries, let some go, and ultimately found myself under too much stress to cope with so little sleep, due to him creeping around all night, nd due to the aggression and anger built up over him not waking up AFTER sleeping in to help out.
Even if he asked me to wake him up, and I try I am met with a cranky, entitled mean teenager yelling at me, or just ignoring me. I stopped trying.
I feel so squished, and decided to try something new.
I did not throw him out, I simply stated that I was having an issue and could he help me out with it.
I said "I am feeling resentful, and I dont want it to grow, and I need a few nights of solid sleep. Can you possibly go to your moms to stay for a few nights so I can catch up, and let some steam off? I am having trouble dealing with the anger. I know you cannot change your sleep problems, and I cant control that, so I am asking for a few days."
Silly me, I thought this was a good alternative to tossing him out entirely.
He said, "no. You suck. I wont go there to stay for a few days. I will go there, and find somewhere else to live for good. I dont need this crap. "
He is now floating around to friends houses, after agreeing before he left to go for a few days. He now says he is not coming back. That I threw him out again and he has no security, or stability. He says a wife does not throw a man out because he has insomnia.
He now has his perfect scenario to play as a victim of my intolerance to this "tiny little issue" that he has simplified the last 7 weeks down to. The last 7 years!!!.
Thats what I get for thinking I could be reasonable with a child.
NOw, I am second guessing myself. Am I too hard o him?
Should I have been able to find a way to deal with my anger and stress without pushing him out?
I hate this crap. Good intentions...
He will probably float around, playing victim, running the scenario past his friends and brothers and mother, leaving out how I tried to address it for a month calmly, then got mad at being belittled, then got more angry. He will minimize all the issues that have been tough and he will enlarge his contributions, and I am, once again, that unstable, angry bitter girl who cannot let go of the past.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,064
Well he's out now. Maybe it's time to focus on yourself and not him since he's not around as the issue anymore. I hope you can find some time for some needed self love and care. I dearly remember when my daughter was a newborn and colicky and never getting any sleep, and when one's breastfeeding a baby nobody can really take over and help. I lived that way for a long time till she outgrew the colic and we finally found a formula. When I got some needed rest I felt I could tackle anything and anyone. I hope that when you get your needed rest you can begin to feel better.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
I am kind of not that broken up about it if he stays gone. I have such a bad case of anxiety. I need the space, but I get stuck on the injustice and the twisting of truth.
Also, it is not beyond him to go to another woman. Just call one up, and move in.
This is what he just told me:
If my brothers wife had insomnia, and he could not sleep because of that, she would say, "Ill go to the couch", and he says(like I did) "thats a common area", (we have a child, A cannot be moved during the day).
He said, what if my brother said, "Im sorry, then you have to go to your moms for a few days."
he says, it simply would never happen. You dont ask someone to leave for that dumb reason. Of course we all know there is more to it, but he is simplifying it down for his cause.
I said,
1) they do not have a child
2) she has a job, so she wakes up and goes to work, does not sleep all day
3) She is not in her 7th week of recovery from 12 years of terrible alcoholism
4) He does not have all of the resentments built up due to what I have from #3
5) if he did approach her, talk about it, express his resentments, she most likely would not call him an idiot and say she would rather move out than help him deal with her issue.
Also, it is not beyond him to go to another woman. Just call one up, and move in.
This is what he just told me:
If my brothers wife had insomnia, and he could not sleep because of that, she would say, "Ill go to the couch", and he says(like I did) "thats a common area", (we have a child, A cannot be moved during the day).
He said, what if my brother said, "Im sorry, then you have to go to your moms for a few days."
he says, it simply would never happen. You dont ask someone to leave for that dumb reason. Of course we all know there is more to it, but he is simplifying it down for his cause.
I said,
1) they do not have a child
2) she has a job, so she wakes up and goes to work, does not sleep all day
3) She is not in her 7th week of recovery from 12 years of terrible alcoholism
4) He does not have all of the resentments built up due to what I have from #3
5) if he did approach her, talk about it, express his resentments, she most likely would not call him an idiot and say she would rather move out than help him deal with her issue.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
He's twisting what you're saying. You see that, right? You have no reason to defend yourself. What you did was in my eyes by the book: You stated your need and asked if he could help meet it. He chose to throw a sh*tfit and accuse you of being unreasonable.
I see similar traits in my now sober XAH: He's always the victim, everyone's out to get him, nothing is ever his responsibility, everything's always someone else's fault. I'm pretty sure in his mind, I'm responsible for the current economic crisis as well as everything else.
I think you did him a favor by offering a solution. He chose to see it as you kicking him out. That's his interpretation, and his choice. Now that you have your space back, focus on taking good care of yourself. Hugs!
I see similar traits in my now sober XAH: He's always the victim, everyone's out to get him, nothing is ever his responsibility, everything's always someone else's fault. I'm pretty sure in his mind, I'm responsible for the current economic crisis as well as everything else.
I think you did him a favor by offering a solution. He chose to see it as you kicking him out. That's his interpretation, and his choice. Now that you have your space back, focus on taking good care of yourself. Hugs!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Buffalo66,
I think you are beginning to see clearly now.
Of course you are suffering from some anxiety, you are sleep deprived.
You are living with a childish, selfish alcoholic. Now, you are beginning to see how it is for real.
He has no concern that the breadwinner in the home is not getting any sleep, he says it is a "stupid" reason for him to go somewhere else to stay up all night.
any time you ask this boy in a man's body for some simple courtesy, he takes it as a personal insult and has a tantrum.
Also, what he is telling his family and friends is ridiculous. This amazing made up story about his brother and his wife has no relation to your reality and your life.
I remember when I got to a point when my ex threatened me with going to another womans house, I said go, I will finally have some peace.
Keep your cool, take your resentments to a meeting or a counselor. Keep your reality alive.
Beth
I think you are beginning to see clearly now.
Of course you are suffering from some anxiety, you are sleep deprived.
You are living with a childish, selfish alcoholic. Now, you are beginning to see how it is for real.
He has no concern that the breadwinner in the home is not getting any sleep, he says it is a "stupid" reason for him to go somewhere else to stay up all night.
any time you ask this boy in a man's body for some simple courtesy, he takes it as a personal insult and has a tantrum.
Also, what he is telling his family and friends is ridiculous. This amazing made up story about his brother and his wife has no relation to your reality and your life.
I remember when I got to a point when my ex threatened me with going to another womans house, I said go, I will finally have some peace.
Keep your cool, take your resentments to a meeting or a counselor. Keep your reality alive.
Beth
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 674
Buffalo...I am glad for you that he left. I hope you can get your much needed sleep.
What he says and does now is just a reflection of who he is, and not at all a reflection of you. You know the truth...I hope it keeps you strong.
Take care of you
Things could not continue the way they were. You were right to do what you did. You have no control over his reaction at all.
What he says and does now is just a reflection of who he is, and not at all a reflection of you. You know the truth...I hope it keeps you strong.
Take care of you
Things could not continue the way they were. You were right to do what you did. You have no control over his reaction at all.
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
LMAO, his behavior couldn't be anymore childish could it???
Most kids have more sense than that!
How is this going to work for him long term, y'think?
Nobody is going to want to put up with this kind of thing.
Try to step back and see it as the kind of fit a 2 year old might want to throw over not being allowed candy for all their meals.
You haven't done anything wrong here.
You don't need this kind of stress.
I hope you can relax, rest and get your mojo back in a few days.
Lack of sleep really does me in, it is wearing isn't it?
Bless your silent nights!
Most kids have more sense than that!
How is this going to work for him long term, y'think?
Nobody is going to want to put up with this kind of thing.
Try to step back and see it as the kind of fit a 2 year old might want to throw over not being allowed candy for all their meals.
You haven't done anything wrong here.
You don't need this kind of stress.
I hope you can relax, rest and get your mojo back in a few days.
Lack of sleep really does me in, it is wearing isn't it?
Bless your silent nights!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
i will. turn. off. the computer.
ANd the phone.
I will: take a bath, put my son to bed.
I will sleep all night, not worry about whether he is running around playing with fire on the southside of town, at the bar strip, where he was when we last spoke, still accusing me of "throwing him out on the street"
He has a car, there are meetings everywhere, his mother lives within 30 minutes, an easy highway drive away. He put himself on the float around town, while his moms house is nice, warm, and accomodating...and available. His adult choices.
I know I am not wrong. I know I still have a lot of work to do. I know so many other people would have tossed him out a long time ago, and maybe not even let him back.
I know. I am working on it. I am.
He will either cement his plan to escape me, (the evil persecutor), or he will call in a day and start trying to come home...
I kind of dont even care. I know that I am right for asking what I need.
I am, however very sad that he did not say,
" I get that. My sleep is all messed up. I will just go for a few days. You need to sleep, besides, if you dont, you might kill me from the resentment, haha... "
It just could have been that simple.
I know, why expect that from this guy? Well, when he goes to his meetings, he always comes home super logical, reciprocal, communicative, open. That new guy has been around here and there...
Just not enough meetings. Just not enough reciprocating. I am going 80 to his 20, and his is 20 more than he is used to, so he wants a goshdarned award...
Thanks, everyone.
ANd the phone.
I will: take a bath, put my son to bed.
I will sleep all night, not worry about whether he is running around playing with fire on the southside of town, at the bar strip, where he was when we last spoke, still accusing me of "throwing him out on the street"
He has a car, there are meetings everywhere, his mother lives within 30 minutes, an easy highway drive away. He put himself on the float around town, while his moms house is nice, warm, and accomodating...and available. His adult choices.
I know I am not wrong. I know I still have a lot of work to do. I know so many other people would have tossed him out a long time ago, and maybe not even let him back.
I know. I am working on it. I am.
He will either cement his plan to escape me, (the evil persecutor), or he will call in a day and start trying to come home...
I kind of dont even care. I know that I am right for asking what I need.
I am, however very sad that he did not say,
" I get that. My sleep is all messed up. I will just go for a few days. You need to sleep, besides, if you dont, you might kill me from the resentment, haha... "
It just could have been that simple.
I know, why expect that from this guy? Well, when he goes to his meetings, he always comes home super logical, reciprocal, communicative, open. That new guy has been around here and there...
Just not enough meetings. Just not enough reciprocating. I am going 80 to his 20, and his is 20 more than he is used to, so he wants a goshdarned award...
Thanks, everyone.
Awakening
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Beautiful Texas hillcountry
Posts: 1,272
Originally Posted by Buffalo66 
He said, "no. You suck. I wont go there to stay for a few days. I will go there, and find somewhere else to live for good. I dont need this crap. "
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
I hope I didn't offend you by laughing..but it really did strike me as about 2 years old.
I do have problems with regulating my sleep, part of an illness I have. But I am the one who is responsible for it. I have an alarm that goes off at 7pm every evening that tells me to take my night meds. I don't like to have to get ready for bed so early and sometimes I feel like a rebellious child, believe me! It means that I need to avoid caffeine so that it doesn't keep me up. It means that I schedule a warm bubble bath shortly after my alarm goes off to help prepare my mind and body to be able to sleep. It means that I drink warm chamomile tea for the same reasons. It means that I don't get involved in intense movies or other activities that would disrupt my sleep at the wrong times. I sleep with a fan for white noise.
It is work.
I have to be willing to want these changes and to do the things that will result in normal sleep.
No one can sleep all day and then expect to sleep normally at night.
If I stay up too late, I will sleep too late and then the pattern will get thrown off and get more and more out of order.
He isn't willing to do it for himself, so I am not surprised that he isn't willing to do it for you..and has he seen a dr about it?
What is he willing to do?
Throwing a tantrum isn't constructive in the leastr....sober or not, he needs to grow up.
You deserve an adult partner and some rest as you are carrying all the adult responsibilities.
He may twist things and make it sound like other's are sympathetic to him. Don't buy into that.
Responsible people won't believe that crap.
They live responsible and know that others can too.
I do have problems with regulating my sleep, part of an illness I have. But I am the one who is responsible for it. I have an alarm that goes off at 7pm every evening that tells me to take my night meds. I don't like to have to get ready for bed so early and sometimes I feel like a rebellious child, believe me! It means that I need to avoid caffeine so that it doesn't keep me up. It means that I schedule a warm bubble bath shortly after my alarm goes off to help prepare my mind and body to be able to sleep. It means that I drink warm chamomile tea for the same reasons. It means that I don't get involved in intense movies or other activities that would disrupt my sleep at the wrong times. I sleep with a fan for white noise.
It is work.
I have to be willing to want these changes and to do the things that will result in normal sleep.
No one can sleep all day and then expect to sleep normally at night.
If I stay up too late, I will sleep too late and then the pattern will get thrown off and get more and more out of order.
He isn't willing to do it for himself, so I am not surprised that he isn't willing to do it for you..and has he seen a dr about it?
What is he willing to do?
Throwing a tantrum isn't constructive in the leastr....sober or not, he needs to grow up.
You deserve an adult partner and some rest as you are carrying all the adult responsibilities.
He may twist things and make it sound like other's are sympathetic to him. Don't buy into that.
Responsible people won't believe that crap.
They live responsible and know that others can too.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: england
Posts: 162
god they are just priceless aint they?
My ex would stay up all night and sleep all day too when he was sober and its because they've lived like that for however long they were drinking for.
He could do something about his 'sleep problem' but he chooses not to set alarms to get himself up in the morning, in my opinion he has done you a favour by going,let him go around saying what he wants atleast you don't have to put up with his moody,
self important ways.
I hated my ex drunk and ended up hating him even more sober because he was so high and mighty and couldnt put a foot wrong,but me, oh god i was everything under the sun, if i tried to take care of myself and asked something simple of him,then evryone and his mum knew what an evil nasty blah blah i was its what they do grrr!
I wish you well x
My ex would stay up all night and sleep all day too when he was sober and its because they've lived like that for however long they were drinking for.
He could do something about his 'sleep problem' but he chooses not to set alarms to get himself up in the morning, in my opinion he has done you a favour by going,let him go around saying what he wants atleast you don't have to put up with his moody,
self important ways.
I hated my ex drunk and ended up hating him even more sober because he was so high and mighty and couldnt put a foot wrong,but me, oh god i was everything under the sun, if i tried to take care of myself and asked something simple of him,then evryone and his mum knew what an evil nasty blah blah i was its what they do grrr!
I wish you well x
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