Trinia21

Living with an active addict is so very hard. I go to Al-Anon meetings almost every day and I am still finding it difficult to detach. I have run out of hiding places for my money, jewelry, credit cards, and bank statements. I feel so violated. I worry about him every time he leaves the house. He is out on bail and facing serious charges. I am afraid he will get another charge. There are days I can barely get out of bed and I really am not functioning much at all. I know I won't throw him out. I am trying to get up the courage to revoke his bail and have him sit in jail until his trial, but I am devastated when he is in jail; it is such a horrid place. He denies drug use but he even has bruising on his arms. When he is clean and sober, he is so different. I know I have to detach but I do keep asking him to consider rehab. He is at such risk!

suki44883

When you have truly had enough, you will do whatever is necessary for your own well-being. Until then, you will keep trying different things to make it better, but nothing will work. You can't change him, you can't control him. The only person you have control over is yourself and you say you won't kick him out. Well then, you are where you are and it is what it is. Hope you reach your bottom sooner rather than later.

catlovermi

I would like to validate that you HAVE BEEN violated. It's more than just feeling violated, it's having BEEN violated.

The good news is that YOU have the power to stop being violated.

Sending encouragement,

CLMI

sojourner

Trinia21: The reason it is so hard is because it is not do-able. Consider that. Some situations may be do-able, but not in situations where there is thieving going on. And if you have children, they have the right to live in a stable home.

sojourner

Trina21: As I follow-up to what I said above, I am sorry that you interpreted that it was possible to live in the situation you describe if you just find the right way to "detach." I hope that a person did not tell you that was possible.

The situation you are in right now is abusive. Both the Alanon and Naranon programs are very clear that living in an abusive situation is not okay.

Please keep coming back here to keep reading, go to face-to-face Naranon or Alanon meetings, and hopefully you will be able to figure out how to remove yourself from the situation you are in. I think you know that you cannot change the addict's behavior, so what is left is that you confront his behavior by saying it's not okay and set up boundaries if he does not or cannot comply. If you cannot do that because you are afraid of what he might do to you, then please remove yourself from the situation.

mrsck09

I have lived in that environment and still do when he relapse/s using . Wanted to force soultions/ consequences for him. THE ONLY thing that help me is actually getting a sponsor and working the steps myself.. I got into the right set of alnon meetings that didnt bash the addict/alcholic rather made me realize im my own problem and i have to take action. Find a Higher power or GOD.. Set up healthy boundries. Stop letting my emotions getting the best of me. That is whats keeping me SANE.

MsPINKAcres

((Trinia))

I hate so much that you are living in this horrid situation - living with active addiction is a miserable place to be.

I remember sleeping with my car keys & cell phone in my hand at nite - with my purse hidden under my pillow, scared to death that I would wake up with the house on fire, drug dealers at my door or who knows what else? My friend, I know today that is an emotionally abusive situation and the God of my understanding doesn't want me to live that way.

It took me a while to get out - what I started with was a small hope that there was a better life for me somewhere, someway, somehow????

Then I started a small plan and slowly by God's Grace it became a reality.

Looking at everything all at once may be what is overwhelming you - possibly you can open your mind to just the thought of a brighter future and then ask your Higher Power to give you the strength, courage and wisdom to know what that future may be for YOU. Then the Power to carry it out - one little step at a time.

PINK HUGS to you,
Rita

Cupicake

The ability to detach comes in steps. You have to be ready to do it. You have to be ready and willing to fight for survival of your whole being. Part of fighting for your survival is detaching. Right now you are more focused on him and his troubles instead of focusing on helping yourself get through this.
The lines get blurred and you believe helping him will help you and if he is okay then you will be okay. That isn't so. The damage is done and regardless of whether or not he goes to jail or is able to get out of his troubles you are still left with your own doubts and fears in the end. He has troubles he needs to face and not be "bailed" out of because these are his consequences to bear. Decisions lead to actions and actions have consequences. He made both the decisions and actions. Will the heartbreak be any less if he didn't go to jail and you lived your life hiding your possessions?
Going to Al-anon and coming to SR helps, they are a God send, because you are around people who truly understand where you are coming from. But until you have reached the end of that proverbial rope and realize there is no more rope to cling on to you will keep thinking there is always one more thing you can do.
The ironic thing is...to help him, you have to not help him. By doing this, you will be helping yourself.
I hope you find your way in all of this.

lightseeker

what are your bottom lines? I know that everyone is different. I was in a NA meeting with a woman that still lived with her husband in active addiction (I also saw what it was doing to her) and then there are others that will not live with someone in active addiction. You are the one to decide what you can stand or not stand and what the cost is to you.

You say that you are going to Alanon meetings daily. Are you working the steps with a sponsor? I know that is when things changed for me.

Freedom1990

I think 6 feet under is a much more horrid place. Jail is temporary. Death is forever.

My EXAH is now six feet under as a direct result of his junkie lifestyle.

hello-kitty

Jail is not so nearly as horrid as a crack house or a heroin den. It's also not nearly as awful as having to protect yourself from having a thief and a liar living in your house. Now that's a personal prison. And that's horrid. I'm sorry you are living in one. The good news is that detachment is a choice. It takes work and focus but you can achieve it.

Have you started working with a sponsor at your meetings? Are you using the phone numbers you have been given? How serious about YOUR recovery are you?

marteen

Please look closer; sounds like YOU are at risk.

Hugs,
Marteen