Had court today
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 390
Had court today
I finally followed through and filed for legal separation. We had court today for an expedited petition for me to remain in the home with full custody. AH has to leave within 3 days. I knew it was going to hurt, but guess I didn't realize how bad. I have been crying non-stop since I got home...basically since court was over. I was already crying in the conference room after. Somehow, but the grace of God I didn't let loose on the stand.
AH came, but didn't hire a lawyer. Someone ended up smelling alcohol on him so they led him out to do a breathalizer, which he passed thankfully. This turn of events devastated me even more. I felt terrible for him. He thinks I set him up! Nothing like adding insult to injury. I feel like I'm dying inside
Thanks for listening
AH came, but didn't hire a lawyer. Someone ended up smelling alcohol on him so they led him out to do a breathalizer, which he passed thankfully. This turn of events devastated me even more. I felt terrible for him. He thinks I set him up! Nothing like adding insult to injury. I feel like I'm dying inside
Thanks for listening
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 63
I am fairly new here and am no expert. But one thing I do know about addicts from my experience is that they are experts at is blame shifting.
You shouldn't feel bad for doing the best thing for yourself. The reality is that he is now left to deal with the consequences of his actions and is just trying to shift the blame back to you.
It's like someone playing Russian roulette and then blaming the gun when it ends up firing.
You shouldn't feel bad for doing the best thing for yourself. The reality is that he is now left to deal with the consequences of his actions and is just trying to shift the blame back to you.
It's like someone playing Russian roulette and then blaming the gun when it ends up firing.
it is what it is
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Griffin GA
Posts: 454
having to take such a stand against someone you love is terribly hard - i am so sorry you are having to go through this - prayers will be with you as you continue to work through this situation
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 457
I feel your pain angelstory, I too was in court friday. It is painful to see what they have become, but it also disgusts me that my AH was so drugged and combative with the judge that is just gives me more reason to move on and
not be around him. we often forget what they have done to us.
remember, they brought this upon themselves. I know it is difficult for us,
very stressful and emotional time,but I truly believe we are better off and seeing them in this state only brings back nightmares of living with them.
I will say though, I often say why did this come to this? how could he do this to me? that makes me sad.
we have to keep going, we have to stay focused on what life will offer us,
we have to stay strong and protect ourselves. we have to have sanity and peace.
sending you a hug!
not be around him. we often forget what they have done to us.
remember, they brought this upon themselves. I know it is difficult for us,
very stressful and emotional time,but I truly believe we are better off and seeing them in this state only brings back nightmares of living with them.
I will say though, I often say why did this come to this? how could he do this to me? that makes me sad.
we have to keep going, we have to stay focused on what life will offer us,
we have to stay strong and protect ourselves. we have to have sanity and peace.
sending you a hug!
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Hate so much that you had to go thru such a terrible ordeal -
it is painful to see what we once thought was going to be our "Happily Ever After" become another number in the judicial system - especially when the A's attempt to pour all the "blame" on us.
Please don't take on that guilt - that's the disease and the nature of the addiction - It's cunning, baffling, powerful and destroying -
It respects no person or family -
Good suggestions that were given to me were to take GOOD care of ME - eat well, rest well, read recovery literature to know how to take care of me and how to change my life to a healthy way of living -
This helped me - I hope that it will help you.
PINK HUGS,
Rita
it is painful to see what we once thought was going to be our "Happily Ever After" become another number in the judicial system - especially when the A's attempt to pour all the "blame" on us.
Please don't take on that guilt - that's the disease and the nature of the addiction - It's cunning, baffling, powerful and destroying -
It respects no person or family -
Good suggestions that were given to me were to take GOOD care of ME - eat well, rest well, read recovery literature to know how to take care of me and how to change my life to a healthy way of living -
This helped me - I hope that it will help you.
PINK HUGS,
Rita
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 390
Thanks everyone. I am having a very hard time. I thought I was ready to do this, but I keep finding myself feeling sorry for him and wanting to reach out and rescue. He is broke, has no where to go, and will be having supervised visitation. I know he loves his kids and this is gonna hurt them and him, and me! I never wanted things to get this far, but I also can't keep living in it either.
I am questioning myself bigtime, but I have to keep reminding myself of the recent past. Darned if u do, darned if u don't. That's all I see at the moment.
I hate this so much.
I am questioning myself bigtime, but I have to keep reminding myself of the recent past. Darned if u do, darned if u don't. That's all I see at the moment.
I hate this so much.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 390
Tam, my AH is good at pulling himself together for a moment. So in court I just kept looking over at him and getting upset. I couldn't believe it was us in this scene. Just terrible. By the way I am very proud of you!
Rita, I am not taking care of myself. I wish I could do a better job at that, thanks for the reminder.
Rita, I am not taking care of myself. I wish I could do a better job at that, thanks for the reminder.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Good Morning Angel,
Yes, THE "HE" that is without this disease/addiction probably does love you and his kids but my sweet friend - the disease will not allow him to give, show or participate in a healthy relationship as long as he is in the active part of this disease.
The most loving gift that you can give the people that you care about is a HEALTHY you. Emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically.
As far as rescuing, I have a few questions . . .
what could you do different that you haven't already tried?
if you couldn't save him before what makes you think you can save him now?
what if he's not ready to be rescued?
This is where the 3 c's come in my friend
You didn't CAUSE it
You can't CONTROL it
You can't CURE it
but what you CAN DO is get help for YOU
Hope you were able to get a little rest last nite and are able to face today with a little brighter hope for a better day for YOU.
PINK HUGS,
Rita
Yes, THE "HE" that is without this disease/addiction probably does love you and his kids but my sweet friend - the disease will not allow him to give, show or participate in a healthy relationship as long as he is in the active part of this disease.
The most loving gift that you can give the people that you care about is a HEALTHY you. Emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically.
As far as rescuing, I have a few questions . . .
what could you do different that you haven't already tried?
if you couldn't save him before what makes you think you can save him now?
what if he's not ready to be rescued?
This is where the 3 c's come in my friend
You didn't CAUSE it
You can't CONTROL it
You can't CURE it
but what you CAN DO is get help for YOU
Hope you were able to get a little rest last nite and are able to face today with a little brighter hope for a better day for YOU.
PINK HUGS,
Rita
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 457
angelstory, I feel for you. I know how painful this is for you. It takes time to step back, this didnt happen overnight to get to this point nor will it happen over night to get over it. take it slow though but also protect yourself. I mean emotionally as well. Keep reaching out for support, learn coping skills. I too was all over the place in the beginning, but thanks to everyone on here I finally came to my senses and realized I was living with an addict and it wasnt going to get better. Myself, I was down a deep dark hole, I didnt know the way out. again, it takes time, it takes support.
My AH is also very good at times, he will perk up and act like he is sober, this didnt last long in front of a judge. My HP was there that day when I thought at times there was no help anymore. they are good at manipulating us but
once we detach or stop feeling sorry for them and start taking care of us and our family then things might change. be prepared angelstory.
I want you to know you deserve happiness and peace , most importantly you deserve sanity and you deserve to be loved like you love others. there will come a point when you will acknowledge this.
keep posting, attends meetings..you will find the strength, as much as we are weak we are also strong.
hugs!
My AH is also very good at times, he will perk up and act like he is sober, this didnt last long in front of a judge. My HP was there that day when I thought at times there was no help anymore. they are good at manipulating us but
once we detach or stop feeling sorry for them and start taking care of us and our family then things might change. be prepared angelstory.
I want you to know you deserve happiness and peace , most importantly you deserve sanity and you deserve to be loved like you love others. there will come a point when you will acknowledge this.
keep posting, attends meetings..you will find the strength, as much as we are weak we are also strong.
hugs!
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
thinking about you and I definitely understand how difficult this is for you. It's the pity and feeling sorry for him that I have the biggest struggles with .....but those feelings don't equal the damage that it causes when you are in the same home with your kids and an addict - whether he is their dad or not.
Please try and look at it in another way - this might be what it really takes for him to turn his life around and become a better father for your children.
Let me tell you a little bit about my story. My husband destroyed his 1st marriage and family with his addiction to crack and crazy wild sex. He exposed his young sons to some pretty trecherous situations and people along the way. They watched their mother ache in pain and quake in anger. They saw their dad disappear for days. One son even found a syringe at one point. So....with great guilt and tremendous sorrow she ended the marriage - finally. After that it took about 4 years but finally my husband got sober. We met and I was his hostage and was totally duped by him....full blown/blinded codie-ness going on in me. He is sober now though and a much better father to his kids. I doubt if he would have ever gotten sober or stayed sober had his ex not kicked him out. He has not been an easy man to live with and I certainly have not gotten "the good stuff" (ie his sobriety) from him. I remain with him for now but it is with a lot of work on my recovery and alot of detachment that I am reasonably sane.
So let me tell you about my husband's ex......for the last year she has been in love with a multi millionaire that adores her and her kids. He is a former NFL football player and has an MBA from Columbia. He has homes in a ski resort and at the beach. He is a gourmet chef, Mr. Fix It, and even cuts hair. For Thanksgiving, he cooked dinner for my husband's entire family (!?! - glad I was out of town for that one). He treats her like a queen, and oh yeah...he loves to travel and take her and the kids with him. Even my husband likes the guy although he does get "triggered" by him. I know that scenario doesn't happen to everyone but I point it out to remind all of us that we can't make room for the good things to happen in our lives if we succumb to our feelings of guilt, pity, and sorrow.
Of course you are sad. I'd be so surprised if you felt any other way. When we take steps like you are taking we are stopping our addiction - it's just to another person and our hopes and dreams for our own fairy tale ending. It hurts to close the door on that. Remember, feelings are not facts and they all will pass. You did a good thing for you and a saving thing for your kids. When we continue to live in the same place with an addict and our children we are teaching them one of two things (and sometimes both) that will set them up in their future lives.....how to either use or live with a user. Instead, you are being brave and showing them another alternative - you are modeling that taking good care of yourself, your children, and having boundaries is something that can be done with grace and strength. You go girl! You keep posting all that you need.....sending love and prayers.
Please try and look at it in another way - this might be what it really takes for him to turn his life around and become a better father for your children.
Let me tell you a little bit about my story. My husband destroyed his 1st marriage and family with his addiction to crack and crazy wild sex. He exposed his young sons to some pretty trecherous situations and people along the way. They watched their mother ache in pain and quake in anger. They saw their dad disappear for days. One son even found a syringe at one point. So....with great guilt and tremendous sorrow she ended the marriage - finally. After that it took about 4 years but finally my husband got sober. We met and I was his hostage and was totally duped by him....full blown/blinded codie-ness going on in me. He is sober now though and a much better father to his kids. I doubt if he would have ever gotten sober or stayed sober had his ex not kicked him out. He has not been an easy man to live with and I certainly have not gotten "the good stuff" (ie his sobriety) from him. I remain with him for now but it is with a lot of work on my recovery and alot of detachment that I am reasonably sane.
So let me tell you about my husband's ex......for the last year she has been in love with a multi millionaire that adores her and her kids. He is a former NFL football player and has an MBA from Columbia. He has homes in a ski resort and at the beach. He is a gourmet chef, Mr. Fix It, and even cuts hair. For Thanksgiving, he cooked dinner for my husband's entire family (!?! - glad I was out of town for that one). He treats her like a queen, and oh yeah...he loves to travel and take her and the kids with him. Even my husband likes the guy although he does get "triggered" by him. I know that scenario doesn't happen to everyone but I point it out to remind all of us that we can't make room for the good things to happen in our lives if we succumb to our feelings of guilt, pity, and sorrow.
Of course you are sad. I'd be so surprised if you felt any other way. When we take steps like you are taking we are stopping our addiction - it's just to another person and our hopes and dreams for our own fairy tale ending. It hurts to close the door on that. Remember, feelings are not facts and they all will pass. You did a good thing for you and a saving thing for your kids. When we continue to live in the same place with an addict and our children we are teaching them one of two things (and sometimes both) that will set them up in their future lives.....how to either use or live with a user. Instead, you are being brave and showing them another alternative - you are modeling that taking good care of yourself, your children, and having boundaries is something that can be done with grace and strength. You go girl! You keep posting all that you need.....sending love and prayers.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 390
Thank you so much everyone for replying. Your responses made me cry. I am all over the place, but that is probably a typical response. What I did was very hard and I can't help but feel sad and wishing things would have worked out different. I know I can't rescue him. There is nothing I can do that I haven't already tried. My head knows that, my heart I guess doesn't quite get it yet. That is probably the codie in me trying to rise up and continue taking over. I have to fight back and keep moving forward no matter how hard it is.
He has been home these couple of days and won't even speak to me. Thankfully he is giving the kids a lot of attention. They deserve that. He also appears to not be using at the moment, which I'm thankful for as well.
Lightseeker, thanks for sharing that story. And there is truth in that if I keep living this way, I'm not allowing good things to happen. I need to keep looking for the light at the end of this horrible tunnel.
You all have no idea how much you've helped me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!
He has been home these couple of days and won't even speak to me. Thankfully he is giving the kids a lot of attention. They deserve that. He also appears to not be using at the moment, which I'm thankful for as well.
Lightseeker, thanks for sharing that story. And there is truth in that if I keep living this way, I'm not allowing good things to happen. I need to keep looking for the light at the end of this horrible tunnel.
You all have no idea how much you've helped me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!
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