IndigoMama

So here is my question. My AF and I have been in a relationship for 11 years and we have 2 children together. He wrote me a letter from rehab this week telling me that the last week the focus was on relationships and how they would affect his sobriety. He said that in one way he didn't know if it would be good to stay together because of what "they" said. Assuming he means to councilor's in rehab. IN the other way I love you so much and want nothing more than to have a loving family and do the right thing.


I am confused. I have heard that when someone is new to recovery that they shouldn't get involved with someone else for the first year, or no big life changes. How do we fit into this though. People go into rehab and into recovery all the time that are in long term relationships and marriage and they have families. So what could they be telling him that would make him feel this way?


My feelings are very hurt, that is me being honest. He is there to get sober, not marriage counseling without the spouse being present. Am I wrong here? Does this make sense and what is your experience with this. He wrote a very long letter to me and I want to respond and touch on that part because it is HUGE to me, but, I want to make sure that I understand it first.


Thanks

Chino

They generally advise patients to avoid triggers and enablers. Are you working a recovery program? I'm sorry I can't remember if you've answered that before.

There's a possibility he's using this time to avoid his responsibilities, too

IndigoMama

Everyone in his life other then the people he used with were enablers. Yes I am reading the al anon book, using SR and when I am able to will attend meetings. I have admitted to myself and to him that I am in recovery as well and will work my own 12 steps as a Codie and a family member of an Addict. He is not using this time to avoid his responsibilities. I wish I was up typing out the entire letter, he talked a lot about those. He sounds great but also very overwhelmed now that he is sober, he sees what he has been neglecting and hoping for these things to disappear. His words. I am very proud of him, I have faith and I have hope in the both of us.

Live

no big changes.....don't start a new one, don't bail on a marriage (unless spouse is using, I guess)

That is my understanding.

IndigoMama

Yes, there are men and woman there.

IndigoMama

BY law we are NOT married, although we have been together 11 years, I don't know if that changes things

johndelko408

It's hard to say. From what the big book suggests is to not pursue new relationships in your first year of recovery. It doesn't say anything about ending current relationships, I dont think it does anyways. Check out the link I'm posting below, it might shed some light on the matter.

Addiction, Recovery, and Relationships

IndigoMama

In the letter he then goes on to mention this

"I need you to do a lot of things differently now. For one I really need you to find a job just to help with the bills."

* I got laid off 1 month ago and at the time, I was the only one making any money, he owns his own business and it wasn't doing very well and of course, I am actively looking for a new job, as we all know it is very hard to find work right now and just for the record, I love having a job other than the one I have at home with the kids, the house and etc. It makes me feel awesome to work *

" I also need you to be calm with me and to help me adjust to all the changes in my life and understand that I need a Best friend in which we can enjoy life as a complete entity "

* WoW!! I have been asking those things of him for years, and I have come to understand that I couldn't possibly have had that with him while he was using *

" You need to be my partner in all of this so that we can strive to be the best parents our kids need "

* Again, something I have asked for as well, while he was using *

I just want to say that these "requests" aren't unreasonable, and I would request and have requested the same things, he now has a sober mind and wants the same thing, bus has he forgotten that these are the same things that I have wanted for the both of us all along?

I read this to my Mom, she feels as if he isn't thinking clearly and is still placing blame on me as addicts do. What do you all think?

There is so much more in the letter that he talked about, things about himself, his addiction, rehab,but this is the part that relates to me the most, I can't type out the whole thing, it is really long, and I am happy that he took the time to write it. for those who don't know the whole story, I drove him to inpatient on Nov. 17th and it is a 28 day program, so he has been there almost 3 weeks?? I have no idea which step he is on or where he is in the program.

Live

an 11 yr relationship and 2 children is a responsibility and honor for him to value and cherish...not discard.

Live

I wouldn't like the "I need you to" and "you need to" parts. That is something you both talk about and decide equally together not by demand or command performance.

In recovery he works on what he needs to do and you work on what you need to do.

Chino

In rehab, my daughter was taught to say "I need" instead of "you need" and so were us family members. It's an ongoing theme with my RAD's therapy and mine too. If I say "I need" and the other person says they can't or won't, then it's up to me to decide if it's a deal breaker or not.

Perhaps this man is trying out his new wings, so to speak.

IndigoMama

Cynical One - I am curious to know why you asked if this rehab was a co-ed one? Do you think that has anything to do with what he has written or with this situation? Honesty is appreciated.

IndigoMama

Well, I guess I should include this part as well since it mentions something that you have said.

" If you can't or have problems with any of these things, then maybe we should move forward in our loves. You just can't say that you will and then not do it though. "

* I agree and ask the same of him *

He ended his letter with this

" There are a lot of poor souls in here and I am pretty sure that's not what I want to become. It is going to take a lot of hard work but I can do it and I would be happy if this would work out in both of our favor. "

" With Mucho Grande Love, _________ "

IndigoMama

I stayed with him for many of those years because I know he is/was, besides the addict. I stayed because I had and still have hope and faith in his recovery.

For him to be questioning our relationship NOW really, really hurts my feelings. I have waited a very long time to be with the man that I fell in love with again. I took many steps to get him the help that he needed and needs. I have given so much of myself and now I need to give back to myself and recover from what the last several years has done to me and my self worth.


Honesty here - HOW DARE HE WALK AWAY FROM ME, NOW ??? I deserve to be with the man I fell in love with and even if he has changed, this is a process that I have been a part of and I want the chance to know the sober man, though he may be different then he was before he became an addict, he is still in there, the man I fell in love with. I see it sometimes, and it gives me hope.

If I truly would be a danger or toxic to his sobriety, I want nothing more than for him to be sober and happy and to be a sober Father to our children. I would walk away from our relationship if it were to save his life. I just do not see myself as a threat to him. Maybe I am, but I don't get it.

But .... it really would and does hurt badly to think about the possibility of him rejecting me. After all, I never rejected him, I stayed and gave my support and had hope and faith and I never turned my back. Enabler Yes, recovering over lover, yes, unhealthy, yes ... working towards being healthy yes, and I hope to work towards a healthy relationship as well and I am willing to. I feel like I deserve it. Sound selfish, so what. That is how I feel.

Hollyanne

Hi Indigo,
So sorry you are dealing with all this.
I am wondering if you have been attending any family days or spouse days. I know you are not married per se but longer than a lot of marriages, so irrelevant I suppose.
I have just read (last night), my rantings from the first week of September, and can I tell you? It was nuts!!!
I have changed sooooooo much in that time! Not easy, and am quite full up of humble pie! Stuffed, I would say.
28days is nothing! Can he stay on for another month, or do some time in sober living? I am single so I was not doing someone's head in like this. You are in a very difficult situation and deserve some answers.
Good that you are doing your own program, but I do not think it is unreasonable to make an appointment to talk with one of the counsellors about all this.
Best to you and your family.

IndigoMama

Please do NOT be sorry. I wanted Honesty and I would appreciate it if you continue to be honest. That is part of my own recovery. I have been to visit him last Sunday and the Sunday before. That is when he allowed to have visitors. I am not dismissing your observation on the rehab romance but I will say that nothing in my gut tells me that is what is going on. When I visited, I got to meet all of the people that are on his side of the place, there are two sides, A and B. The people on A side have visitors on Sunday and the B side gets Saturday. The only time one side gets to see the other side is in passing from meals and meeting, they don't do anything together. There are woman and men on both sides. The halls that their rooms are on are not together and of course they can't room together. I know that if there is a will then there is a way. I am not denying that. Both times that I visited him, he was not distant from me, he introduced me to everyone as "my fiance, ____ " he held my hand, we cuddled, smooched a little and he wasn't embarrassed to do it in front of anyone. He didn't seem like he was hiding anything. I've been with him for soo long that I have a great sense for when something isn't right. I don't know. It could be a rehab romance, but, it wasn't what came to mind for me. Not at all. Do you know anything more about rehab romance, any other signs? Maybe I can do a little research?

IndigoMama

The rest of the letter


"I'm going crazy in this place, I really think I know why I have been losing it though. For one, I'm not allowed to use the phone except for 2 times a week and 5 minutes each time and they are really strict about it. The nurse today told me that she doesn't think I am an addict because I said that I can really say that I won't use pills again. That was stupid for her to say, I am an addict, why else would I be here? I also told her that is I could smoke pot I don't think I would have a problem so much with my ADHD. I am also super stressed about the DUI case I have when I get out of rehab, Decembers Mortgage and Electric, Car Insurance, my business and of course Christmas. The nurse said that I need a life coach and a financial planner. I already have most of my homework and treatment plans done already. I'm just losing my mind now that I am sober with all of the things I have been neglecting for years that I was hoping would disappear. I guess we both know how that turned out for me. Not good. LOL My counselor also told me that if he has me for two more months that he would quit his job. I think the nurse was onto something though with the life coach thing. You should try to look something like that up for me. they keep saying that I have to change my people, places and things. I just have one problem with that. all my work is there. So they told me that it would probably be better to just stick it out where I am, and watch how God would change everything for the better. That's a new concept, huh? So this is a brief synopsis of my week going crazy in rehab. "

everything else that was written in the letter I have already posted. I would also like to delete the letter from the forum in a few days if that is possible since it is so personal.

Thanks and I hope this helps ???

ZombieWife

I am not familiar with relationships happening in rehab (just because I have never been exposed to that myself). But, misery loves company, I guess.

I do see some red flags in that last part of the letter:

Even though he then says that it was "stupid" of her to say, this baffles me. Is he still in denial about being an addict?

Trying to justify using "something" once he gets out? Either this nurse is doing a very poor job, or he's using her as some kind of accountability-scapegoat. A professional (nurse) would steer him away from pot and let the psychiatric professionals make the diagnoses here. Either this nurse did just that and he's leaving it out on purpose, or this "nurse" is unprofessional.

Again, who is she? Why would she give him this kind of advice?

Even in joking, some of this is making me question this facility.

YOU should look something up for him? Why doesn't he?

I don't know about this. Someone more familiar with the addict side of things might know.

But, overall, I don't think he sounds like he's "getting" it. Maybe that's harsh and judgmental, but my spidey sense is tingling all over the place reading this.

IndigoMama

I totally agree when you say you question the facility. I think the therapist that said if he had to deal with him another 2 months he would quit his job, should be fired from his job for saying such a thing to him.

The nurse. Aren't nurses there to hand out meds and to give out band aid's, not advice?


Sigh.

IndigoMama

Oh and I am not looking up anything for him about a life coach or anything else for that matter. he is not able to do that while in rehab as he can't make phone calls to find one, but, that is something that he can pursue on his on if he still wants to when he gets out.