singingotter

I'm really new to this... but I'm hoping I can get some advice. I'm desperate.

To start off, I am not and never have been an addict. I have been clean, I am clean, and will always be clean. I'm a Pre-Med student in college. I want to be a doctor. That has been my life's dream since I was a kid. Pre-Med is a LOT of work, time, and energy.

I started dating my boyfriend in March, and he didn't tell me about his addiction to narcotics until September. That whole time, he was using behind my back. I would wonder to myself, "Why doesn't he ever take me out anywhere? Why does he never have any money? Why am I ending up paying for everything?" The night he told me he was going to go to rehab, I was crushed... because I had fallen in love with him and I felt so betrayed. He'd been lying to me and doing things behind my back.

I stayed with him through the first part of rehab--a two-week program. I went to every family day and took him out to lunch during lunchtime. I have been oozing support out of my pores for him.

He came home from rehab on Thanksgiving, and was supposed to back to a more intense rehab the following Tuesday. However, Monday night he decided to drink a lot of cough syrup and ended up in the ICU for a couple days. During those couple days, no one, not even his family, bothered to tell me where he was. I had no idea what was going on.

When he finally came home from the hospital, he told me through a text message what had been going on. I flipped--I cried for an hour and I was so hurt because he said he felt "so much better" and will be clean and sober after this next portion of rehab. I can't help but feel betrayed and extremely hurt. I even got my first nose bleed from crying so hard.

What I'm wondering now is, do I stay with him? I feel like I'm being pulled in different directions. My mom has been urging me to kick him to the curb. She went through drug addiction and recovery, so I thought she'd be more understanding about this. My boyfriend has been begging me to stay with him--he says he loves me with all his heart, he wants to marry me and spend the rest of his life with me, and that he is sorry from the bottom of his heart. He's said that he wants to get better for himself and for me--that I'm the primary reason for his getting clean. He said he "will do anything". However when I told him I might break up with him, he told me he's had suicidal thoughts because he's sick of hurting people.

Please help--I am so worried and hurt and confused. I don't how to feel or what to think right now.

Time4Me1

All of this is very, very typical of addicts! The initial deception then the promises of getting better, marriage, undying love....and then siucide just to be sure he really has you roped and tied!!!! If you read posts here you will seee why loving an addict is painful at best!!!!!

Spiritual Seeker

Take it slow.
Keep focused on your studies and your goals.
Don't make choices on his promises. See what he is capable of doing, becoming.
Addiction is hard to overcome and takes daily work over a long e long per. of time.
Keep being compassionate and take the relationship slow is my opinion.
My opinion is based on my own son being an addict all through his 20s.
He maintained periods of sobriety...his last per. being 2 1/2 yrs. but then relapsed.

ZombieWife

Why is this acceptable whether or not he's using drugs? Most people would have passed on this from the get-go. Not trying to sound so negative, but if you're a premed student (who probably is broke yourself) and you are still paying for everything, how is that okay? If you told me this (without telling me he was a drug user), I would think, "wow, get rid of that loser."

As for whether or not you should stay with him, that's your decision and yours alone. You have to remind yourself that you cannot fix him or control what he does in any way, shape or form. You can't do it by crying until you bleed our your nose. You can't do it by threatening to jump off buildings, threatening to leave, beating him him, yourself up or other people up. You could hold a gun to your head and say, "quit or I will pull the trigger" and he would lie to you, tell you he'll never do it again, then go snort Draino 15 minutes later.

The first step is admitting you're powerless over this situation and over him. You are, however, in control of what YOU (and you alone) do and how you react.

Again, I'm not trying to sound too harsh here, but this is a long road you are looking at. I'm more inclined to side with your mom. She knows where this will lead you.

Now, I'm still married to my addict. He's been sober for a while now (approx. 2 years), but it was a road to hell. It's still wrought with all kinds of pitfalls and troubles. I set boundaries. He got help. He got clean. But, it wasn't easy and it wasn't a "magical solution." Addictions kill trust and they prey on the weakest most vulnerable parts of you and your psyche.

It could turn into you being "on edge" and living in a nightmare for the next 5-6 years (with him going back and forth, constantly lying to you, constantly begging to be forgiven). He could turn it all over and be okay (but as another posted suggested there is ALWAYS the threat of relapse hanging over you). As long as you're paying for his meals and your livelihood as a couple, why would he want to move on here?

The more you pay for him (even if you go out as a couple) and take care of his needs, the more he'll realize he's living on addict "easy street."

Hollyanne

Hi Singingotter,
Listen to your mother!
Just kidding, but do listen to your mother. I often say, read the post and pretend it was written by a close friend. What would you say?
Also, sounds way, way too convenient for a drug addict to have a doctor as a wife!

nodaybut2day

a) Look at his actions, not his words. What do they tell you?

b) Whether or not I'm dealing with an addict, for me, lack of financial responsibility is a deal breaker. I refuse to be with anyone who is unable to manage their finances themselves. I know it sounds harsh, but because of my previous lack of responsibility in this area, I am now raising a 2 year old on my own, with a truck load of student debt and I'm recovering from bankruptcy.

What are your deal breakers?

singingotter

You make a very good point. I'm contacting his mom today to see if that's true. She would have contacted me because she knows how much I mean to him.
No need to apologize for agreeing with my mom, her points are totally valid! She's been there. She's at least 25 years sober. She quit without rehab. My momma is strong.

singingotter

Yeah, it totally isn't acceptable and I thought that from the beginning. I was stupid though and decided to let it slide... I thought it was so weird because he worked 12-hr shifts at $10 an hour, and overtime. Couldn't figure out why he never had money. He blew it on pills. He paid for things sometimes, but I would say I was the main source of $$.

singingotter

I'm so sorry that happened to you. That's awful :-(

Those same thoughts are running through my mind constantly--Actions speak louder than words, and he went behind my back to drink an excess amount of cough syrup, supposedly "by accident". I saw him the night he did it (before he did it), and not once did he cough. All his lies are speaking more to me than his truths...

nodaybut2day

I know how hard it is to be "the Bad Guy" who breaks up despite being begged not to do so...but try to remember that grand promises, begging, pleading, and later on threatening, are part of the arsenal of addicts and alcoholics. Notice how his begging isn't at all about you, but about him and his needs? That's a common characteristic as well: self-centeredness.

If someone is going to protect your interests, it should be you. Consider your future and see how this guy actually fits in the picture....From where I sit, it would be best to move on and cut contact.

totfit

I think you should cut your losses. He sounds not ready to do anything "real" and you are starting your life. Your life without him will be much more pleasant.

Babyblue

Part of a healthy relationship is also developing a real friendship with that person. Why can't you pull back and just be a supportive friend? He will not be able to give you what you want or need for a very lonnnng time. You'll be looking at a lot of nosebleeds.

Be a friend. A real friend would be understanding but able to have very clear boundaries and live their own life. If it is meant to be, it will be as they say but in the meantime being a supportive friend (with healthy boundaries!) will allow you to step back and see the reality of his situation.

He didn't betray you btw. He isn't using because of you or not using because of you. He is betraying only himself.

lifeforme

Only you know/can figure out if you should stay with him. I was in your shoes 19 years ago. There were major warning signs and I ignored them because I loved him. I wish I loved myself more. Listen to the people who know and love you. Listen to your gut. Focus on yourself. Good Luck