mamaangelique

Hey all, hope you're having a good weekend. In the 2 weeks since my husband relapsed and left he has seen his son twice. One of those times, I arranged. The marriage therapist (I saw her alone since he couldn't come yesterday) told me to stop setting up meetings, that it needs to be on his effort. I had already told him I would take our son by his job that afternoon. After talking with the therapist I text him telling him I wouldn't be brining our son by, but he was welcome to arrange a time to come by the house this weekend. He got pissed off and hasn't talked to me since.

I'm really trying (and failed miserably this morning) to honor that boundary. But with the holiday coming up, there are going to be things that I would think he would want to be involved in. Trips to see christmas lights, meeting santa, riding on a christmas express with santa, christmas morning and so on. Our son is 2 so these are special memories ya know? So my question is, I know I shouldn't come right out and invite him to these things, but what can I do to let him know that we are doing these activities and he is welcome to come (if he's sober)? To me, that still seems like an invitation, but I do want him to at least be aware that we are doing these things. That way he can't say I didn't tell him and that's why he wasn't there. Thanks for any input.

Time4Me1

So hard to know what to do when it involves children. I guess I would continue to let him know that he is welcome to join you in holiday plans (if sober) that you have made for you and your son and then proceed with or with out him. Yes you would think that these special times with family would be more important that drugs.....but. Im sure he loves his son but he is consumed with active addiction right now and he CANT put any one else first! Sad I know!! Do your best to enjoy these precious times! Dont let sadness, anger, and disappointment ruin this special time with your little guy!!!!

Kindeyes

I can't really advise you because if I did so, I would be taking some accountability for the outcome. However, I will ask......if you are laying out those opportunities for him and he doesn't take advantage of them, will you feel resentful? If so, your therapist is probably right. Unfortunately, you can't make someone want to do those things that are important to you.

I hope you take advantage of all of those wonderful events with your little one and enjoy them thoroughly. The holidays are special but when we get to see them through the eyes of a child.....they become magical.

gentle hugs

Freedom1990

My 22-year-old's dad wasn't there for any memorable occasions over the years, Christmas included. He lives 35 miles away.

My girls and I still made lots of wonderful memories over the years.

I learned to live in the moment, and to be grateful for what I do have, and not what I wish I had.

:ghug3

mamaangelique

I guess I'm just wanting to make sure he's aware we are doing these things so no one can say later on that I didn't tell him. But I don't want to invite him in the sense of "you should come" or "would you like to come" Maybe if I just tell him the days and times and say it is up to you if you come or not??

rose

Mama,

It is so darn hard to know what is the right or wrong thing to do. I think maybe just what you said "telling him dates and times" is fine. Then the rest is up to him. Make it clear though that he is not to be high.


Rose

mamaangelique

oh I have been very clear that he is not to be around if he's high/drunk and so far he has respected that (thank god. If I were to try to deny him seeing our son while he were under the influence it would get bad really quickly). In some ways though I feel like he's using it as an excuse to not be around, the other day he said "well you don't want me around him if I'm using" suggesting he has to be back in recovery 100% because I know he's not high 24/7. that's not ever what I have said. I said he couldn't live here unless he was back in recovery, but as far as his time with his son, I've just said he had to be sober during that time.

outtolunch

This whole Christmas thing sounds like you are running the fantasy of your perception of what life should be like.

I am not tracking your concern over things that you think he will regret missing unless you take control. He's in active addiction. When he's not using, he is thinking of his next score and using. Wife and child play second fiddle to addiction. It hurts like hell. It's addiction. It's not personal.

Being angry is normal. It is also a manifestation of your inability to control your husband and his choices. It's addiction. It's not personal.

He's sailing on the river of denial right now. No reason to put yourself and child in the boat with him.

Your holiday is going to be what you make of it, or not. Make it a good one.