mftrader

I have been sober (6 months) and am feeling I need to ask others how they see this. Yes sober for this long and everyday I choose not to drink for my family. Everyday is a struggle and my wife knows this. Tonight we went to my son's banquet for football. Quite a few of the parents were drinking and wanted my wife to go with them to the bar afterward. I was invited to go but declined to.

Here is my dilemma. I"m sitting at home stewing because my wife is out doing something I would love to be able to do. Somehow I feel that if she was supporting me (which she always has) she would have not put me into the position to have the choice of going to a bar just to sit there and watch or just go home. She did offer to come home with me but I would have felt like I ruined her evening of fun.

Should I be upset? I am. But one of those crazy things that alcohol can do is make you second guess your decisions.

Chops

First of all congrats on the six months and staying sober for your family.

I hurt my family so much with my drinking that I was of the mind that they did have to change one bit because I got sober. Maybe booze out of the house early on. Anyway, I hated people changing anything because of me and my booze problem. The changing is on me. Good news is that if I have a reason to be there I go to bars (well restaurants with bars) all the time.

I got to the point (because of AA) that the drinks that others take do not bother me and I don't desire alcohol. I actually recoil from it like a hot flame to quote the book.

You might be second guessing the decision to stay home but it sounds like to me your keeping sobriety in the number one slot and thus your family in the number one slot and you deserve a pat on the back in my book.

yeahgr8

IMO why should she or anyone else have to suffer because you are dry? I would want to be able to go to the bar with my partner and have a couple of soft drinks and enjoy myself, i am able to do this because i got into a program of recovery and changed...you could too..but if you dont want to thats cool but get rid of the simmering resentment quick:-)

cwc2k1

I understand how you're feeling. I have a girl that I've been dating for a short bit and she drinks socially with her friends. Your wife loves you and would probably do anything for you but keep in mind that she is no alcoholic. She's entitled to have a couple drinks with friends if she doesn't think it will harm you which is what she's doing. You're feeling left out and lonely because you're an alcoholic. You did the right thing by posting about this and I would also recommend that you call and talk to another alcoholic on the phone. The loneliness and feelings of being left out are hard, I can relate to them myself. You need to reach out to someone else who can relate to you....

6yearsold

Its funny you posted this because... I am new to recovery. Only day 3. But, I found out maybe an hour ago that my boyfriend is going out with friends to a bar tomorrow night. I, of course, can not go. I know I am not ready for it. I am a little upset because we rarely get to spend time together and I really want to go out and drink, too. I know I shouldn;t feel this way because the alcohol isn;t for me anymore but I still want it and I still want that social scene but I just can't do it. So, I don't have much of advice but I can relate. Tomorrow night, instead of going to see my beloved I am going to a meeting and then to a see a movie with another sober friend. I don't know what will happen after but I knows it day 4 and I believe I can make it to day 5.

Snarf

Congrats on the 6 months! I hit that a couple months ago and it was a great feeling. Wow, I went a whole half a year without drinking, you know? Pretty neat.

At first, I was somewhat annoyed when my fiancee would go out drinking with her friends. I would think, "Doesn't she know what I'm going through? How could she go out and drink and come home smelling like booze when I'm just sitting here on the couch?" She would tell me she would stay at home if I was uncomfortable with her going out, but I didn't want to ruin her fun. So I'd tell her to go, and then be mad at her for going. Something about that ain't right.

But as others have already posted, I realized it was my issue, not hers. She supports me and my decision not to drink 100%, and if I ever asked her not to go out she wouldn't. I just tell myself that she isn't an alcoholic, so she should be able to go have fun with her friends. It's not that she was leaving me behind; we see each other every single day and sleep in the same bed every night. But I couldn't be involved in the type of fun she was having, so it was me removing myself from the situation, rather than her intentionally doing things without me.

And now I kind of enjoy those times when she goes out. It gives me a chance to be alone, watch what I want on TV, play some video games or read comics, cook whatever I want for dinner, sometimes I even clean the house because I know she'll be happy about it when she gets home.

Thanks for coming here and posting about what you're feeling. Hope you get through the night all right.

6yearsold

Thanks, Snarf.

firestorm090

If you had accompanied your wife and while at the bar ran into a guy like me, a blabbering nutcase, I'm sure you'd be glad to leave and take her home, lol.

I know how you feel, but there may be a good side to this, she gets to enjoy her time out, and you can feel good that she is having a good time, and you're sticking to your guns and staying sober for you. I'd be proud instead of upset, for you did the right thing for yourself, hard as it may seem.

Hang in there and you never know, could be a kiss coming your way if she has a great time.

Chops

Lol Firestorm, that can not be overstated, if my other half does drink then I get a kiss and more. If I was boozed up I would ruin the night, get in a fight with her or someone else and she would be in the bed and I'd be on the couch.

PS

and I think it is clear but I did want to note that I meant my family did not have to change

Dee74

Hey mftrader - good to see you back - congrats on yr 6 months

I think most folks have said what I would have already

A couple of thing tho - you said you were choosing every day to stay sober for your family - so, not for you?

And you're stewing cos she's doing what you'd really like to do? Do you mean drinking or going to bars?

If I'm reading that right and not reading something else into it, maybe that's something you need to look at?

Resentments, whether about other folks drinking, or you not being able to be around them, is something none of us can afford, no matter what programme we do or how long we've been sober.

What have you been doing to stay sober 6 months mft? Any programmes, any counselling, any kind of spiritual connections?

I think that kind of stuff - the stuff that goes beyond just not drinking - really is necessary if we want to stay sober and be happy about it. If we're happy about being sober - if we want to be that way, we can do anything we want - anything but drink...

D

SSIL75

ITA with Dee. It concerns me that you don't seem happy in sobriety. Hard to stay committed to something that makes us unhappy, right? Not to say I don't have my moments of jealousy or discontent. But mostly (3 mos in) it feels right.

I never enjoyed being sober before. Your typical 'dry drunk'. I'm giving it a real go this time. Trying on all the stuff that other people seem to enjoy for size. Exercise, sober outings, shopping, early bedtimes, increased volunteering, talking to my husband instead of hiding behind a bottle of wine and an internet brower (my old favorite passtimes). I don't envy him when he goes to bars.

Quitting drinking without enjoying life is a tough road, right? What other options do you have?

Snarf

6yearsold, I think going to a meeting is a great idea. I always feel safe at a meeting. Especially early on, when I knew my friends would be out drinking (say on a Friday or Saturday), a meeting was like my "safe place." My friends and I did most of our drinking at night, so I always found the late-night meetings (10pm during the week, 11pm on weekends) to be the best for me. There were also a lot of people near my age at those late meetings as well.

Hope everyone has a great day today!

stephnc

You made two excellent choices, mft. One was to allow your wife to go out to the bar even though you couldn't go yourself, and the other one was to come here and post honestly about your feelings. It's natural for you to feel a bit frustrated over a situation like the one that happened last night, but like others have said, do not hold on to any resentful feelings you have. My sponsor has a "90 second" rule about feeling angry/resentful/self-pitying/etc...she says it's natural to feel emotions, but with these negative ones you should limit yourself to 90 seconds of stewing then GET OVER IT. I've always found that helpful.

In the meantime, congratulations on your six months!! I just reached that milestone a few weeks ago myself. Hang in there.

Stephanie

Anna

Congratulations on your sober time!

I wonder, as Dee did, whether you are feeling good about where you are on this journey and if you're happy with your life. I became very isolated when I was drinking and I didn't like being alone, not at all. Once I began to recover, I cherished my 'alone time', quiet time when there were no demands being made. I hope you can find some peace.

coffeenut

Lots of good advice, here. First....congrats on your sober time! Awesome!

This is about you. Not your wife.

My husband still drinks like a fish. I do not. Two different things. Cause problems? Yeah, occasionally. Right now, I take care of me not drinking. And, I'm happy knowing I'm choosing the right thing. Maybe one day he'll agree with me.

Best wishes to you.

mftrader

Thanks guys. You hit the nail on the head.