Buffalo66

Things have been coming to fever pitch around here, with me just getting more and more angry and annoyed.
Our son had a big tantrum afterschool today.
I tried to stay cool, did the timeout, A sort of helping, but, in his weak sort of way.

Earlier, he acted out(adultA) like a teenager over not wanting to go to a doctors appointment, not psych...I just floated along. stayed positive. we made the appointment, all went well.

After tantrum, and things cooled down, I asked what his plans were for the evening. He asked me to step outside. \\
When we got outside he said he does not like me, does not want to be here, says it is awful and scary. He says he does not know what he is, but that I am unstable, and that I need help. He says that I assault him and abuse him CONSTANTLy...(which is weeks of trying to assert calmly, turning into anger, turning into a meltdown...)

He says he can make other plans, that he does not want to be here. There is nothing good here, except for son...

Then he drops this bomb. He says I know I should go somewhere else where things are more calm, but I am afraid to leave our son with you. You are unstable, and I do not feel like he should be alone with you!!!!!!!!!
Oh, yes, he did.
ANd this, after 5 years of me raising child alone, financially, emotionally, dealing with all doctors, and all details involved with his brain tumor. I got him to school, put him to bed. I discipline him, love him, feed him.

A has been here for 6 weeks, sleeps all day, stays up all night. does not work, collecting unemployment, doing the minimum, and he says I AM UNSTABLE AND I SHOULD NOT BE LEFT ALONE WITH OUR CHILD.

Now he may come back and take it back, he may change his story, deny he said it, BUT I RECORDED it on my phone.

I am not sure what to do, with holidays here, and christmas lights half strung.

I always forget how low he will go.

GASLIGHT

seekingcalm

I may be completely off here, but in my experience, Friday night, beginning of the weekend...very rough time for an alcoholic trying to stay sober...

I think that his comments to you are a reflection of his own feelings about himself...I also know that the gaslighting I experienced from my exabf turned me into someone I did not know and did not like at all.

Take care of you, figure out how to find peace and serenity in your life. Your frustrations and resentment are understandable, but I read a quote here that I never forget that illustrates how much they hurt US.

"Resentment is like drinking poison and expecting it to kill the other person"....something like that. I find that to be very true, so do whatever you can to stay calm and happy yourself, regardless of what he is doing.

dollydo

So, you have now established that he is unstable, he is unemployed and sleeps all day. What exactly do you need him for?

Freedom1990

I'm so sorry for the painful reminder how low that he will go.

naive

buffalo-

here is the translation: quack, quack, quack.

i am so sick of alcoholics pointing the finger at us. after we keep the roof over their heads, keep the children safe, pay their way, put the food on the table..

if i hear one more time that I HAVE A PROBLEM i'm going to scream!!!

so, i have a problem? since we've split, he's been evicted, arrested and is destitute. i, on the other hand have a nice, cozy home with the heaters on and food in the fridge. i have a therapist and am working towards healing myself. i do have a problem, actually, but at least i acknowledge it and am seeking help.

your man doesn't want to stay there? that's great! cheerio mate!

give him six months solo and it will become painfully obvious who has the problem.

don't take in a word of this emotional abuse, buffalo. stay strong!

naive

Phoenixthebird

Buffalo66, Forgive me but what does "GASLIGHT" refer to?

Which one of the temper tantums could you handle the better, your son's or your AH's?! Unfortunately I have heard that a son will use his father as a role model, and vice versa, a daughter will use the mother as her role model. Not necessary so......

You wrote "A has been here for 6 weeks, sleeps all day, stays up all night. does not work, collecting unemployment, doing the minimum, and he says I AM UNSTABLE AND I SHOULD NOT BE LEFT ALONE WITH OUR CHILD." It seems like our AHs know just what buttons on us to push!

I'm in the same boat, wishing and wanting a nice calm Christmas. However.......

If wishes were horses, beggars would ride.
If turnips were watches, I would wear one by my side.
And if "ifs" and "ands" Were pots and pans,
There'd be no work for tinkers!

Take care!

Buffalo66

Thanks,,,
Quacking indeed.
HE went to a meeting after his mean quackfest, met up with a veteran AAer, and went to tea after. This is the guy who he feels he may ask to be his sponsor.

He came home all apologetic, making promises. He says he has been myopic and insensitive.
He says, I cant imagine how hard it is to live with me after everything, and to trust and try to stay open.

I am stink eyed.
I am still here, he is downstairs for the night. I told him dont even try to get in the bed with me.

I will not accept his projections and quackery. I am not afraid of his gaslighting.
I am getting stronger everyday. '
I am sure of what I know.
YOU GUYS are miraculous helpers in this! '

Thanks for being patient with my ups and downs.
I am still here, and I am still learning.
I imagine how I would have swallowed that stuff whole 18 months ago.
I would have cried and sentenced myself to death over his mean words.
Tonight, I just said whatever, and can you belive it?

I kept my clarity, and he did take it back...but, I know what I know.

Might end up to be a good sponsor, though.

P.S.

Pheonix, the term gaslighting comes from the 1944 movie, Gaslight, a psychological thriller.... In the movie a woman marries a man and when she starts to see his true identity he does anything he can to make her feel like she is going crazy.

The term "gaslighting" was coined, meant to mean someone who is actually doing something unfair or wrong is turning the tables on you, or trying to make you seem or feel crazy.
Here is the films tagline--


"Years after her aunt was murdered in her home, a young woman moves back into the house with her new husband. However, he has a secret which he will do anything to protect, even if that means driving his wife insane."

Jadmack25

Praying for you to stay strong, and see his words for what they are, the misplaced self disgust dumped anywhere but on him. He can't handle the truth, but you handled his lies perfectly.

naive

well, thank goodness he went to AA and had some sense talked into him.

you did great, buffalo. you worked the program. you were upset. you came here. you solicited advice. you held your ground. that's the way.

when i was in your shoes, i moved into the guest room. i didn't do it to be mean to him. i did it because i was under a lot of pressure and i needed my sleep.

it was a big step in beginning to take care of myself. without proper sleep, my ability to manage my emotions goes quickly downhill.

if there is space for him to set up a room in the basement, you might want to consider it. your sleep is being affected by him being up all night. why not have him set up camp in the basement, with his tv and even an electric kettle so he can make his tea?

that way, you can get your rest without hearing his tv and him walking about the kitchen.

or, he can begin to keep regular hours...as in sleep at night and be up during the day.

i think that he is pushing things way too far and that now even your sleep is being distrurbed. you have a part-time job, run the household, plus you have a young child. you need a good night sleep. i wouldn't worry about hurting his feelings...he needs to take ownership of how his behavior is negatively impacting the family.

naive

Learn2Live

This is about me. I am not saying this is you. Just posting it in case it might be helpful to you.

Yes, quackery and gaslighting can make you feel like you are going insane. But I have also learned that to compensate for it, I often lose sight of myself and feel that I am always right and the alcoholic or addict is always wrong. But I know now that I have to focus on ME and what is healthy behavior for me, and then take the appropriate action to fix my OWN behavior.

Here is what I know: When I am closely involved with alcoholic or addicted men, I often lose my temper with them and become a screaming, enraged lunatic. I literally foam at the mouth screaming at them. They are so out of control and bring that much chaos into my life, that I use my own anger and rage in effort to try to control my OWN life. Or, perhaps, the anger and rage come forth to try to get that person to LEAVE. As long as I continue to blame something, ANYTHING, I keep them in my life and continue to behave this way.

What I have had to do for myself is, recognize that this is a VERY unhealthy situation for me to be in, and muster the courage necessary to get that person OUT of my life. It has been emotionally difficult to do this but in the end it has brought me the only peace and serenity I have ever known. I have had to force myself to stop crying and wishing and reminiscing and being all sentimental and magically thinking and simply REMOVE those people from my life. Yes, Christmas and all the hopes, wishes, and feelings associated with Christmas has been a valid excuse for me to STAY in situations that are not healthy for me. I have been through this many times.

My suggestion for you is to really examine yourself and who you are with this person in your life. You have to really know yourself well when you are involved with an alcoholic or an addict. (((hugs)))

Buffalo66

Naive: yes. the sleep issue is the biggest thing. I have been running on low gas. I did lose control of myself because I was paying too much into his energetic account(carolinr myss talk)... I have resolved to do what I need to do to keep myself up and running the way I want to be. The way I need to be.

Learn 2live: I have been looking at how I "need" my anger, and my sponsor and I discussed that.

I have a child with him, and he has some non life threatenning, but serious health issues. A brain tumor, and some possible nerve damage. I need to be realistic about what I can handle. Even if he causes me strife I need the support, the emotional parenting on the other side. he is coming to bat in that arena.
Our son has also been very frightened for a while. he does not want to be alone a lot...like even in a room by himself. This started before A came back. It is a phase, but it is extreme. I cannot give that much. Even if A gives a little time each day, three hours, or does a bedtime, it really does take the strain of the neediness down a bit.

He apologized, owned his stuff.

My eyes are open. I am making boundaries, not building walls.

Thanks everyone for your continued support and patiience.
It may seem petty to feel so good about simply being able to hold my mental ground, but that is huge.
It kind of makes me think of how he thinks just being sober is a big deal. My big deal is big, too.