lulu1974

Hello SR...

Phoenix posted a wonderful post on different types of abuse and it really made me think of my own experiences. As a woman, I realized I have faced many types of abuse throughout my life.

When I read the article, it made me furious to realize how much this occurs. It made me deeply hate those people who inflict abuse on woman or anyone. Especially children. When I was young my father was physically and emotionally abusive. I was so young and so innocent and I think how much hate this man must have had in him to hurt a child like he did. Repeatedly. I cant express enough how I have carried these scars into my adult life. I remember being such a good student and never being acknowledged by my parents. I remember other friends parents commenting on my accomplishments while my parents didnt even acknowledged them. Granted my father was the A and my mother the battered woman. But I can clearly remember thinking, I no longer cared about school because no one else seemed to care either way how I did. And when I did mediocre, no one did care. I thought to myself I was right, no one cared about me and I was unworthy. I remember at rare times when my father would say something positive and how hungry I was for his words of praise. They were seldom said but I still remember the feeling I got when he said something good. I remember winning an award once, there was an awards ceremony. And as I was sitting there listening to the speakers, there goes my drunk father up the side aisle beckoning one of the speakers and asking him questions about what I had won in the middle of the ceremony. I wanted to die and hide or run far away. From that day forward I made sure to never win an award again.

As as an adult,my exah was emotionally and verbally abusive. I was never thin enough, smart enough, dressed correctly, spoke properly. But he wasnt as nasty as my father was. He said he was trying to help me be a better person and so see my shortcomings. How nice for the abuser to think he was helping. Yes I did stand up for myself but in the back of my head, even though he stopped saying things, I knew he still thought them. The scars got deeper.

Then I recently dated someone who in one night said so many hurtful words, its been a week and it still haunts me. I dont believe what he said was true but it still hurts down deep inside. He called me a coward among other things. I want to say to him, he doesnt even know what I have been thru in my life and I am anything but a coward. I have made it through an abusive childhood, I raised my sister while working full time on a trading floor and was so exhausted driving her around after work but I did it. I have always had really good jobs and been successfull. I have perservered beyond my wildest dreams. At 35 I have owned my home for 10 years. I have no debt, I say what I mean and dont say it mean. I have made it through an alcoholic marriage and divorce. I had to deal with the FBI and lawyers and still work and take care of my drank husband. I can honestly admit if I hadnt helped him he may be in jail. I dont have a college degree yet but I have faced adversity many times and havent backed down. And here is this guy who knew me for a month is calling me a coward and telling me to grow up and suggesting I am basically a sl*t. All this because I stood up to him and refused to be at his beck and call. Yet again, this is verbal abuse and there was no need for it. Nor did I deserve it.

I am truly opening my eyes to how much abuse and manipulation exists in my life. Truthfully I have probably been ignoring it as much as possible because there is so much pain a person can take at one time. It infuriates me how abusive people can be and it down right p*sses me off to think they have the right to make these judgements and think they are so perfect. In a way I want to say this to him and prove my worthiness but I know that wont help my hurt much. I have to make the peace within myself. I know I am worthy enough. It just bothers me that people have be so disgraceful and hurt others.

I needed to get this out. I wish it were true that what others say doesnt bother me but sometimes it really hits a nerve, like last week. And the funny part, I dont even realize what they are doing. I think I try to block it out and pretend they didnt mean it. But they meant it alright. I have talked to my therapist and friends about this and I am trying to let it go and move on. I dont want to admit how this little sh*t got to me. He had me pegged from the first minute we met but when I stopped going along with his bullsh*t his claws came out. I hope one day someone beats him to a pulp for being such a jerk to woman. Well ok I dont hope that but I hope one day he gets what is coming to him.

Thanks for letting me get this out. I am sure many of you can understand as others cant. Emotional abuse or any abuse is so cruel. I have been told I am sensitive and I get offended. But then I thought about it and said - of course I am sensitive. Who wouldnt be after living my life.

Hugs,
Lulu

Live

thank you, Lulu!

Phoenixthebird

Lulu, I wish I could find just the right words to comfort you......but I can't find them!
*******************************

HoopNinja

A friend of mine once told me she thought the only reason my 1st xah was placed on this earth was to make all the women he abused stronger so they would never put up with abuse again. He is so charming and no one would ever suspect what a misogynist he is. He had horrible self-esteem and always hated that I was more educated than him-which was absurd because he was brilliant. He just did not have formal education.

Every woman he has been with he has hurt. The woman he scre**d around with during our marriage (when I left) wound up in the hospital twice because of anorexia because he had her convinced she was fat. The woman ran marathons. She was a very self-confident attorney before he entered her life (I was a very self-confident person before he entered mine). I am sure he did the same thing to her he did to me. He separated me from my friends and family and then just while telling me how much he loved me and lavishing me with love. Then in one day (24 hours) he just took it away and I was left clueless. It caused my first major depressive episode and I started to have panic attacks.

It is amazing how someone can do that to you and you don't even realize it is happening until it is too late. I occasionally talk to him as we have common friends and he is always trying to lure me into some kind of conversation-using that same charming tone. I just ignore him or if it is via email hit delete. But the thing is, because of all the cr*p my mom threw at me I always chose abusers of one sort or another.

I recently started dating and I am going at a snail's pace. I want to know this man from every angle. If I see anything I am uncomfortable with I talk to him about it. So far I have not heard any of the usual garbage and excuses I have heard in the past. Our conversations appear to be honest and straightforward. But I still do not trust myself. I would not say my self-esteem is bad I am just still learning what normal is and am trying to decide if he is normal. Does that make sense?

barb dwyer

****************** LULU }}}}}}}}}}}}}}

wooHOO!!!
sha - ZAMMMM!!!

the COOLEST thing *I* got from reading that
was that you see where that
(abusive victim stuff)

has bled through into ALL relationships!!!

I'm STOKED for you!!!!

That's got to be one of the BIGGEST realizations
I ever had.

When your abusers were parents
that is what shaped what we think is 'love' and 'security' and safety'
to a FAR more abstract and unspeakable inner level
that we can't even put word to.....
and to step out of THAT ...

freakin wow for you LULU!!!!!

I mean,
all the way down to
it shaped what I thought was a 'good' job
(meaning =- one where I was never 'enough' and all that jazz)

and what I thought was a 'good' friend
(meaning someone who USED me for what THEY could get)

and what I thought was a 'good' deal
(meaning one where I didn't lose TOO much -
never one for MY advantage or money's worth)

or who would be a 'good' man
(meaning one who would belittle and hurt every chance they got)

that part is amazing!

I happen to be proud of you.

And yes -
they still try.

They still manage to 'get in' their little jabs every now and then...

and brother - LOOK OUT!

the gloves come off.


My God my God how far we've come....

I think it was a GREAT vent!

lulu1974

Thank you everyone. As Barb put it, the power and comfort is in the realization itself. Sometimes something just clicks. I have been journaling a lot and it really does help me. I think I am in the process of finding myself. I believe I have had enough of the pain to look inside myself and start to heal.

Hugs
Lulu

naive

thanks for sharing, lulu.

barb dwyer

I look at it now

as if I'm finally being given the time

to be as nice to myself

to be as supportive of myself

to be as attentive to my OWN advancement...

... as I've felt I had to be for everyone/anyone else my whole life.

I don't have to have an excuse to be here any more.

what a WONDERFUL Christmas present to give yourself!

HoopNinja

lulu it is amazing after all you have been through you have come to this point of strength. That you know there is still things you need to work on.

You are an amazingly strong person.

NYCDoglvr

I was touched by your posting to my core. You are such a brave woman to see this difficult stuff up front and personal.

My mother, a schizophrenic, was verbally abusive my whole life. My brother recently told me that, one Christmas eve at grandma's house, he ran out of the house in the dark, during a snowstorm, because mother said she regretted having me. I heard this kind of thing quite a bit, that I would be a failure, that I would grow up to clean out some man's toilet bowl, bla bla bla.

What this did, however, was make me very, very angry. For the rest of my life anytime I heard anything remotely like abuse I raised hell and usually walked out the door. So I never let anyone do that to me again.

However, all my life I've been trying to prove my mother was wrong, that I wouldn't be a failure. And any time I get upset, I go right back to being a kid and think "mom was right".

What I've learned to do is when I hear my mother's voice I say "Thank you for sharing, mom, now get the **** out of here". It works!!!

TakingCharge999

Great post lulu !! Thanks a lot !!

He called me a coward among other things.

XABF also called me a coward. I really really do believe when a person feels he or she is a coward, anyone brave will trigger the complex or defect and will be called a coward. Its just a mirror! I hope your upset subsides soon.

I really like that we are on this journey together and many great things are coming to us !

Jadmack25

Coward???? Coming from someone who is either so addicted or low in self respect, I would take it as a compliment.....it means you are both seen as too much woman for these poor souls, so all they can do is call you names.

Little boys in long pants, still.

CatsPajamas

It's amazing, really, how much of one person's story resonates with others. I spent 80% of my life trying to measure up, be good enough, smart enough, pretty enough. Although my own parents weren't abusive, they were both Adult Children of Alcoholics themselves... which means their view of life and how it should be lived was obviously a bit "off". I was raised with my primary focus being "what would the neighbors think?". We lived in constant comparison mode. And I grew up with my insides always comparing to other's outsides.

I had 2 marriages, one to a charismatic, controlling and abusive man who was constantly building me up and tearing me down, intuitive enough to know just when I was getting a little stronger again so he could undermine me, make me question whether or not I was going crazy. I got out of that marriage, but i was still on my path of recovery.... and I had a few more relationships with people who fed into and played off my insecurities.

And yes, I unconsciously went to work for bosses who did the same thing. Something inside of me would connect with something inside of them and say "wow he's going to be a great boss" and "wow she's goimg to be a great employee"... well, it was just my codie self sending out its darn GPS signal to their Alcoholic GPS receiver and the rest was disaster in the making.

It took a number of years of diligently working a recovery program, a couple of counselors and many years here on SR before I was able to really change how I though and felt about things.

And my signature line - the one that says What other people think about me is really none of my business - is my daily reminder. It's one of my checkpoints to keep me on this path. I'm stronger, happier, healthier today. I have a good relationship with a guy who isn't an A, nor does he come from that world. I work for a wonderful boss who also isn't an A. Go figure.

Thanks for this thread. It has me thinking this morning, and reminds me again to be grateful for how much I've grown.

Cats

fourmaggie

posted by LULUI am truly opening my eyes to how much abuse and manipulation exists

it does exists, and its scary and i even look at my young daughter (age8) what does she have to indure in her future...and i will for one, give her the RIGHT words to use with someone, anyone, male or female, ITS NOT RIGHT...

I am teaching my children right now as we speak to be RESPONSIBLE for their actions...hitting, mouthie, taking things that do not belong to them...its a slow working process, so much anger in this world...

tahnk you for sharing...and my god wrap his arms around you and whisper in your ear..."you are doing right"

fourmaggie

one more thing....gosh I SO LOVE THIS GROUP AND THE OPENNESS...thank you so much everyone