Time to stop lurking and get in the game
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Chicago
Posts: 1,125
Time to stop lurking and get in the game
I have been a lurker here for a while and read some great posts so I decided to jump on board. I did my first detox/outpatient/meeting in May 2007. Followed that with several relapses which involved 4 more inpatient detoxes (and more than I care to count at home), a 30-day inpatient program, 3 more stints in the hospital, and 6 weeks in a halfway house (where I got high in the bathroom). None of that seemed to stop me. I don’t even like calling them relapses anymore because I question now if I was ever truly sober in the first place. I have had 6 months 2 times and enough 30-day coins to start a decent sized beginners meeting.
I drank alcoholicly from the get go (20+ years ago). The point was always to get drunk. Eventually found drugs. Always drank, but it was about the escape and changing the way I felt so mixing drugs in with drinking was perfect. Managed to graduate college, get married and have kids along the way. That slowed my drinking a bit and got heavy into opiates the last 6 years. Just like my progression with alcohol opiates were exactly the same. Started off small and worked my way up to amounts that would kill most humans. Getting drunk on beer just took too much time. It didn’t work fast enough and once I found a way to get an instant escape I stuck with it and took it to the limit.
So enough about that. As far as my recovery goes I attend an AA (or sometimes NA) meeting everyday unless I have a dam good excuse. I have gotten as far as making amends, but I think my biggest problem is step 3. I do good for a while calling my sponsor or using the steps when I get a craving or using thought, but eventually I try to manage them on my own and it always turns out bad. When I get really stressed my alcoholic instinct is to escape. It is almost as ingrained as eating and sleeping is to normal people. Eventually I hold onto enough crap that I hit a breaking point. At that time I get a case of the F*CK its. Yes I am powerless and my life is unmanageable, but F*CK it I don’t care. I no longer want to play the tape through I have my mind made up and I will worry about the consequences later. Well the consequences have become so great and the payoff so small (who am I kidding there is no real payoff anymore) that I just can’t take it anymore.
I just hit 30 days AGAIN. Started the steps over and am focusing on 3 at the moment. In the past I continued to question everything. Is this really a disease (tell that to a terminal cancer patient and see what they think)? Is AA really the way? Where is my spiritual awakening everyone keeps talking about? I was trying to analyze each and every step down to its core. I am not trying to bash AA - to the contrary. I have tried everything I can think of and nothing else has worked. I know other people have gotten sober using other methods, but for me it works best. The biggest realization I had to come to was that I do not know how to recover (don’t have a clue as a matter of fact). I am trying to use the same logic that got me here in the first place to get me out. I am trying to think my way out of this mess that I feel I got myself into. I have a great wanderers group with a group of guys that have been where I am and know a way out. It comes down to trust and my ego. Can I trust these guys and everyone else I see that has some quality time in and put my ego aside and follow direction? I feel like I can finally say yes. Just surrender already. Throw up the white flag and stop fighting.
I drank alcoholicly from the get go (20+ years ago). The point was always to get drunk. Eventually found drugs. Always drank, but it was about the escape and changing the way I felt so mixing drugs in with drinking was perfect. Managed to graduate college, get married and have kids along the way. That slowed my drinking a bit and got heavy into opiates the last 6 years. Just like my progression with alcohol opiates were exactly the same. Started off small and worked my way up to amounts that would kill most humans. Getting drunk on beer just took too much time. It didn’t work fast enough and once I found a way to get an instant escape I stuck with it and took it to the limit.
So enough about that. As far as my recovery goes I attend an AA (or sometimes NA) meeting everyday unless I have a dam good excuse. I have gotten as far as making amends, but I think my biggest problem is step 3. I do good for a while calling my sponsor or using the steps when I get a craving or using thought, but eventually I try to manage them on my own and it always turns out bad. When I get really stressed my alcoholic instinct is to escape. It is almost as ingrained as eating and sleeping is to normal people. Eventually I hold onto enough crap that I hit a breaking point. At that time I get a case of the F*CK its. Yes I am powerless and my life is unmanageable, but F*CK it I don’t care. I no longer want to play the tape through I have my mind made up and I will worry about the consequences later. Well the consequences have become so great and the payoff so small (who am I kidding there is no real payoff anymore) that I just can’t take it anymore.
I just hit 30 days AGAIN. Started the steps over and am focusing on 3 at the moment. In the past I continued to question everything. Is this really a disease (tell that to a terminal cancer patient and see what they think)? Is AA really the way? Where is my spiritual awakening everyone keeps talking about? I was trying to analyze each and every step down to its core. I am not trying to bash AA - to the contrary. I have tried everything I can think of and nothing else has worked. I know other people have gotten sober using other methods, but for me it works best. The biggest realization I had to come to was that I do not know how to recover (don’t have a clue as a matter of fact). I am trying to use the same logic that got me here in the first place to get me out. I am trying to think my way out of this mess that I feel I got myself into. I have a great wanderers group with a group of guys that have been where I am and know a way out. It comes down to trust and my ego. Can I trust these guys and everyone else I see that has some quality time in and put my ego aside and follow direction? I feel like I can finally say yes. Just surrender already. Throw up the white flag and stop fighting.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: San Diego
Posts: 522
welcome Marcus.
I wish I had some wise words, but I'm only at Day 20, hoping I can get through another Friday sober.
I get what you mean by drinking alcohically. That was me from the get go too. When I drank, I wasn't stopping until I was absolutely *********.
It helps knowing we're not alone.
-SD
I wish I had some wise words, but I'm only at Day 20, hoping I can get through another Friday sober.
I get what you mean by drinking alcohically. That was me from the get go too. When I drank, I wasn't stopping until I was absolutely *********.
It helps knowing we're not alone.
-SD
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,352
Hi Marcus
welcome
I'm not an AA member but maybe you can get something out of my experience.
I know I spent a lot of time trying to research and think my way out of my drinking.
Thought and research are not necessarily bad things as I see it, but the problem was I was confusing those things, for years, with action.
I needed to accept, without reservations, that I was an alcoholic and I needed to be prepared to do whatever it took not to drink again...one of the major things I did was trust people here and what they told me.
That was a major leap of faith for me, to let go 'control'.
Once I started doing all that, I started to make some ground, after 15 years of 2 steps fwd, 3 steps back...
D
welcome
I'm not an AA member but maybe you can get something out of my experience.
I know I spent a lot of time trying to research and think my way out of my drinking.
Thought and research are not necessarily bad things as I see it, but the problem was I was confusing those things, for years, with action.
I needed to accept, without reservations, that I was an alcoholic and I needed to be prepared to do whatever it took not to drink again...one of the major things I did was trust people here and what they told me.
That was a major leap of faith for me, to let go 'control'.
Once I started doing all that, I started to make some ground, after 15 years of 2 steps fwd, 3 steps back...
D
Snarf Snarf
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: ATL
Posts: 835
Hey Marcus! Welcome and thanks for joining us!
I feel ya, man. Sometimes it's difficult for us to get out of our heads and just follow the example others have set for us. We want to think our way out of the dumps, when really it's our twisted thinking that got us there in the first place. We just have to trust that these people who have been down in the hole where we are can show us a way to climb out.
This site + AA have been invaluable for me as I've now gone 8 months without a drink.
Dee's right; I found that I really started to make progress once I let go of "control" and the notion that I could make things be the way I wanted them to be. Once I accepted who I was and what I was dealing with, and that I could only control my own actions and nothing else, then I started to block out the other stuff and focus on what I could change: Me and my actions.
Thanks for joining us here, and I hope you stick around a while!
I feel ya, man. Sometimes it's difficult for us to get out of our heads and just follow the example others have set for us. We want to think our way out of the dumps, when really it's our twisted thinking that got us there in the first place. We just have to trust that these people who have been down in the hole where we are can show us a way to climb out.
This site + AA have been invaluable for me as I've now gone 8 months without a drink.
Dee's right; I found that I really started to make progress once I let go of "control" and the notion that I could make things be the way I wanted them to be. Once I accepted who I was and what I was dealing with, and that I could only control my own actions and nothing else, then I started to block out the other stuff and focus on what I could change: Me and my actions.
Thanks for joining us here, and I hope you stick around a while!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Chicago
Posts: 1,125
Thanks for the replies!
Dee/Snarf I really relate to what you are saying.
No matter what method of recovery you use it is important to find someone you trust (therapist, people on the boards, sponsor) and take some direction. Don't feel like you have to figure this one out on your own. My ego tells me I got here and I am going to get myself out! I have come to realize my ego is going to get me killed.
It bothers me that I have been at this for 3 1/2 years and only have 1 month sober right now, but I have learned a lot along the way. This is definitely a journey and there are no shortcuts (there are longcuts I have learned). I completely underestimated the effort it was going to take to truly recover when I walked into my first detox. That is probably a good thing because I might have run out of there. In the end it was the best decision I ever made. I know what it feels like to be hopeless. To feel like I am destined to die in that horrible place. Today I have hope and for that I am truly greatful.
Dee/Snarf I really relate to what you are saying.
No matter what method of recovery you use it is important to find someone you trust (therapist, people on the boards, sponsor) and take some direction. Don't feel like you have to figure this one out on your own. My ego tells me I got here and I am going to get myself out! I have come to realize my ego is going to get me killed.
It bothers me that I have been at this for 3 1/2 years and only have 1 month sober right now, but I have learned a lot along the way. This is definitely a journey and there are no shortcuts (there are longcuts I have learned). I completely underestimated the effort it was going to take to truly recover when I walked into my first detox. That is probably a good thing because I might have run out of there. In the end it was the best decision I ever made. I know what it feels like to be hopeless. To feel like I am destined to die in that horrible place. Today I have hope and for that I am truly greatful.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Welcome Marcus... Glad to have you aboard!
A lot of times a perceived step 3 problem is really a step 1 issue... like if you haven't fully surrendered, ya know?
Lot's of good AAs over in the 12 step section, you might get more, and more in depth, responses there... Newcomers is awesome too, wherever you feel most comfortable!
Mark
A lot of times a perceived step 3 problem is really a step 1 issue... like if you haven't fully surrendered, ya know?
Lot's of good AAs over in the 12 step section, you might get more, and more in depth, responses there... Newcomers is awesome too, wherever you feel most comfortable!
Mark
Dismember
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: The Mitten, USA
Posts: 1,641
Welcome Marcus,
Step three was tricky for me. I had to learn to live it in a bit of moderation. I agree with Mark that it's much like a continuation of step one, an admission of powerless but in this case with a new assurance that things will be okay if we are not always in control.
Personally, I don't want to always be doing God's will. That would suggest in a very literal way that I'd be a godly human. A little too much to bear, and I believe not even possible. I believe in my own will, that it isn't only designed for evil and that it's my HP's will that I learn to use mine right. For me it's not so much that my HP instructs me what to do, but rather my HP shows me what is right to desire and will.
That's my spin on it anyway. That we can't take it all off our shoulders but we can still be guided in our decisions. I know a few rare folks in AA who claim to always pray for guidance at all times. I asked if that included when to go to the bathroom. They said yes. Which makes me think either they are insane or just big liars.
Step three was tricky for me. I had to learn to live it in a bit of moderation. I agree with Mark that it's much like a continuation of step one, an admission of powerless but in this case with a new assurance that things will be okay if we are not always in control.
Personally, I don't want to always be doing God's will. That would suggest in a very literal way that I'd be a godly human. A little too much to bear, and I believe not even possible. I believe in my own will, that it isn't only designed for evil and that it's my HP's will that I learn to use mine right. For me it's not so much that my HP instructs me what to do, but rather my HP shows me what is right to desire and will.
That's my spin on it anyway. That we can't take it all off our shoulders but we can still be guided in our decisions. I know a few rare folks in AA who claim to always pray for guidance at all times. I asked if that included when to go to the bathroom. They said yes. Which makes me think either they are insane or just big liars.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,460
Welcome, Marcus!
I'm not an AA person either, but I do find a lot of support and inspiration here.
I think, in a sense, I was lucky, because I knew how hard it was going to be to recover. I knew there was very little of me left and I knew that I had to find a purpose in my life, in order for me to recover.
I'm glad you found us.
I'm not an AA person either, but I do find a lot of support and inspiration here.
I think, in a sense, I was lucky, because I knew how hard it was going to be to recover. I knew there was very little of me left and I knew that I had to find a purpose in my life, in order for me to recover.
I'm glad you found us.
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