bonniep

It seems like this forum is super heart felt and open. I sincerely have been wowed by all yr all's strength, stories and hope. it inspired me to write something. i'm scared... yet groping for meaning.
i always have struggled with binge drinking. once i have one drink.. i can't stop. and i won't. i know the feeling of coming home from a party and drinking more. last week - even though having to be at work at 7am I drank four hot toddies and a bottle of wine. this is not an atypical story for me. i showed up to work buzzed still. i have had to leave my work because i still felt too drunk.
i recently graduated college and i work in a dual diagnosis (severe persistent mentally ill and addictions) residential treatment home. i love my job. i was and still am excited about climbing the non profit and social work ladder. then this past weekend i was arrested for my first DUII (in the state of Oregon).
I'm scared of the ramifications this may cause my life in general - especially my work situation. Being 25, building a career is very important to me now. I have felt like I have had this duality existing in me... on one hand, a very dedicated person to serve people - be serious about work/social issues/studies, etc. On the other hand, this Portland, Oregon party culture that beckons to me. Spending too much money at the bar. and obviously making poor choices. getting behind the wheel and blowing a .18 .
I qualify for diversion but am scared of telling my work, if i need to. scared of my license suspension, the money that i work hard to save up for, etc.

on the other hand.. i have found meaning in all this. i have struggled with alcoholism for years. something generations of my family have fought with as well. i have been logistically getting myself prepared to try to be sober. but i always have lost sight. now this is a slap in the face to get real about it. and i am willing and ready to participate in diversion and any treatment handed to me, as well as seeking out my own. but i'm scared. already I have had temptation to drink. I live in a household full of mid twentysomething drinkers who are all dear friends of mine.
Right now I'm just pouring my energy into my job and learning so much from the clients - listening to some of their struggles with sobriety (obviously I wouldn't share my own.).....

any suggestions? thank you for your inspiring bravery.

6yearsold

These people will have better advice for you than I because I am only on Day 2 but I am right there with you. I work in the restaurant business, my roommate drinks, all my friends drink, my family drinks. It is hard to get away from but I have made a commitement to go work and come home and not spend a cent. I might rent a movie or something but I go straight to work and I come straight home. I don't tempt myself at bars or around people who I find tempt me to drink(and some people- they can do that by just looking at them). Its going to be hard and we will have to make changed but we can do this!

bonniep

i was reading your post from yesterday too. much of it i really resonate with. it's so difficult to de-tangle yourself from a life that (especially when you take a step back from it) is so webbed in with alcohol. and some of those friends i see struggle with problems like i do.... drinking until blackout..... and others can moderately drink. last night was a struggle. our household bought an xmas tree and everyone bought hard cider. i drank my hot non alcoholic cider. yummers. it's so difficult to be around that. and with the holidays approaching it's gonna get more rough. however, maybe finding a nonalcoholic bev that you can clutch to the whole time may be a good trick? it helped me last night. and also i removed myself from the room when i felt the urge to get too ticklish. girl, we can get this done!

LittleSparrow

I've got a book recommendation for you both. It's called Living Sober. It's an AA book that you should be able to find in big book stores or online. It's a short little book that doesn't give you a big recovery plan but does give you tips on how to, well, live sober (especially when you know you're going to be around other drinkers). In the front of the book, there's a list of questions and then the pages with some answers. Here's the list of questions: "What do I say and do at a drinking party?" "Should I keep liquor in the house?" "How do I explain to people why I'm not drinking now?" "What about sex?" "What about insomnia?" "What about drinking dreams?" "Should I go into bars?" "What can I do when I get lonely?" "As long as I'm happy, am I safe?" "Should I seek professional help?" "Is it necessary to give up old companions and habits?" Pretty much all the questions I had when starting out 42 days ago and that you're wondering about too.

I'm sure there are a ton of these books out there, this is just the one I happened to find at my bookstore.

johndelko408

If you haven't done it already, I would seriously recommend AA. Not only will it help you with your personal struggles but also educate you. The education that you get out of AA will help you to really get to know yourself. It would also really benefit you in your work as you do qork with addicts; and I'm sure alcoholics as well. You might be asking, what I mean by getting to know yourself. I'm 28 yo. I started drinking, using and partying at the tender age of 13. I only have 11 months of sobriety now. So if you get my drift, I've spent over half of my life in addiction to alcohol and other substances; mainly tweeds but none the less its still an addiction. In all this time of alluding my troubles with alcohol and bud, I've never really gotten to know myself. I've always been stoned and drunk. These past 11 months I've really gotten to establish a relationship with myself, meaning I've gotten to know the real me. I really think that AA could be a win-win situation for you. Not only do you get to sober up, but you get to get some valuable information to benefit your career. Try it, if you don't like it its not if your obligated to stay.

Dee74

Hi Bonniep

I'm not a driver, so I have no experience to share with the DUI, but I know many others here will.

If work does offer some kind assistance of programme tho, I'd at least check that out as fully as can.

I remember my life was emeshed and embroiled in alcohol too - it was the central thread that ran through everything I did, every day, for years.

I know I'm not alone in that - you'll find hundreds of people here who've turned things around for themselves and give thanks every day that they did.

It's hard to change, but it's not impossible - you'll find a lot of support and ideas here.

Just take it a day at a time for now - you can do this
D

gr8ful42day

Bonnie, thank you for your share. I want to invite you to our chat meeting..every friday night, here at soberrecovery, at 9 est.....there are a few of us facing the same as you. I think you will like the group and benefit from it.

6yearsold

It is stress and I was just in the shower realizing that now my entire social life will change. My boyfriend works late nights and we used to go to the bar together- I can't do that anymore. I am al wound up after working 13 hours- I usually go to the bar but instead I am at home typing on a laptop(jacking wireless from the neighbors) and talking to people I have never met before about our alcoholism and that is all I have done for the last 2 nights. I feel a little weird and little lame but someone told me recently that it was tough to dive into sobriety but it was incredibly worth it and they would never go back. Feel free to hit me up sometime to chat or something.

Dee74

Getting sober was probably the scariest thing I ever did - but I believe I've changed the path of the rest of my life.

I used to drink all day every day. Now I'm coming up on 4 years sober, I'm healthier, I'm happy for the first time in my adult life, and I like who I am.

I still think that's some pretty amazing stuff

You're not alone guys - there's folks around, every step of the way.
D

SwanSong

Hi bonniep, so glad you made it here and are sharing with us. I don't have 4 years of sobriety, this is my second attempt and just ending day 39 for me so I can't describe what happens in long term sobriety (I had ~6 months the last time, never years). But being sober can be difficult in the early days but can also be extremely rewarding if you're open to the wonderfulness of life. I use SR and AA and a doctor (psych) - I find all 3 beneficial but mostly SR and AA.... You may want to check out an AA meeting, you're likely to encounter people face-to-face that have a lot of time in sobriety and are living very happy fulfilled lives, and plenty arrive in AA the hard way - just like in this forum thread you're very likely to encounter others who have or are having a similar experience as you. And if you don't like the meetings, it's all of an a couple hours to check out a couple meetings. Just a suggestion, it's been a life saver for me - as is being to come home after a meeting and participate on SR. Happy you made it hear, there's lots of great people here with words of wisdom and experiences to share.

julez

Hi bonnie, and welcome to SR. I am very glad that you are deciding to take the first step in admitting you have a problem with alcohol. The early days are so difficult. I should know, I'm still in them!! I attend AA, and just got my 30 day chip. I find that its helped me tremendously. None of my family or friends know that I'm going, just my husband, and I still struggle with what to tell people about not drinking. But, I can usually make something up, like I feel like I'm coming down with something, or I'm on medication etc. Basically I do what I have to do to get people off my back, and protect my sobriety.
You have a wonderful resource at your job. You can hear first hand how alcohol ruins lives. Listen carefully, and find the similarities between yourself and the patients, not the differences.
Best of luck!

least

Welcome to the family! I'd suggest you use this latest problem, your DUI, to get motivated toward recovery. This DUI might be your "gift of desperation" and could be the catalyst to change your life for the better.

Demut

Well, you told half of my story anyhow - First DUI 9 years ago and I was working in the medical field. I left that field, returned to school (midlife kinda thing) to pursue a degree in Human Services (I graduate in March, if I'm not in jail) I was a supervisor at a group home with DD clients. Three weeks ago I was driving back to the group home (WITH A CLIENT IN MY CAR), had been drinking and rear-ended another vehicle. Lost my job, lost my background study clearance, VA report, jail, thousands of dollars in legal fees, etc etc. Yes, you are given a wake up call, hope you contiue to hear other's stories and take serious what your future could look like. From where I sit, your living environment sounds dicey...........You are making decisions , I know, do what is in the best interest of your sobriety at this point. Place those choices above all other, yes , even your job. If you lose your sobriety, you lose it all anyhow, so get it right this time! Oh, and you know , by now, that many , if not most, of the CD workers have their own history of addictions! You're NOT DIFFERENT, careful for terminal uniqueness
~d

minimizer

I went to college in PDX and lived there for 7 years. :ghug3 Love that city.

So much of what you have said resonates with me. I have felt the same thing--I have two conflicting lives. For me, I am the healthy athlete who trains, competes and teaches others.......and then later who is drunk the other half of the day.

I also recently got my first DUI while back visiting the US. At first, it was a wake-up call, but then I just made excuses for myself and joked about it. Sooner than I expected, the familiar lifestyle had returned.

My DUI has forced shame on me.....the endless days in court, meeting with counselors to talk about my addiction, trying to explain my actions to friends and families. However, most importantly trying to understand them myself. I blew a 2.2 and it is amazing that it felt "normal" to me.

I am new here (day 2 for me) but am so fortunate to have found this place, and hear stories so similar to my own. You are fortunate to be surrounded by people in your life who can support you when you are ready to reach out.

xxxx

Anna

Hi and Welcome,

I hope that this experience will be a turning point for you.

I think you can see from reading some other posts, that it really can get worse.

We are here to support you!

bonniep

thank you all for your support and encouragement! today i went to an all staff meeting with the organization i work for. the meeting was very inspiring. since the non profit i work for is centered around people recovering from mental illness and drug addiction, a lot of the things mentioned spoke to me. i ended up going out for lunch with three of my co-workers. they mentioned going to a bar and i told them i was in recovery. then i told them about my DUI and concerns I had about it interfering with my job. they were all very supportive, and we ended up going to a resturaunt instead of a bar. i feel strengthened by this interaction, and with all the people on this forum. it's now day 6. on friday a week ago I was getting wasted that night and at 3 am on saturday morning was my arrest.
changes are uncomfortable. this is what life is. and spirit thrives. i'm going to go out and have a lot of fun tonight with friends. sober. games and movies and with some people who don't drink .i'm going to pick up some reading material and look into AA meetings. you guys rock.

SwanSong

Thanks for the post Bonniep - glad your colleagues turned out to be supportive and you're creating a program for your recovery.

minimizer

I am so glad that you were able to talk with your co-workers. As hard as it is to admit, it is also a huge release. I told my mother about my DUI and drinking, and continue to commnicate with her about my struggles. It isn't easy, but it is so much better than trying to deal with it by yourself. I hope that you continue to reach out to them, and allow they to be there for you.

xxx

Thesadone

Bonnie, many non-profits have an arrest policy. You usually have to report an arrest by five days. You might want to get into the policy to find out.

It may save your job. Then getting with your Employee assistance program if HR requires.

Best wishes on your journey.

6yearsold

Hope your Friday night was cool! I think tomorrow night if my sober night out. I might see a movie. I am glad your co-worked were cool. Most of my co-workers were, also.... MOST! I think some of my drinking buddies a little butt-hurt that I don't hang out anymore but they will recover and if they don't they weren't really my friend, right? Good luck over the next couple days!