not shaken
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Join Date: Feb 2009
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not shaken
i write this more as a step in my recovery than as the person i was several weeks ago. i haven't posted much lately. it was not a conscious choice, but i wasn't wallowing in all those feelings and had little to share. i've still been reading posts and read some helpful stuff recently.
the update on my alo is that i last spoke to her yesterday for a brief time. i actually saw her for coffee before work. she looked better and sounded much better. she said she has been going for her methadone every day and has cut back on crack to about twice a day. she said she was not happy where she is staying, but that she needs to find happiness within herself. she said she is starting to look for work and cant wait to get ajob and a car and a place and live a normal life. she said how she is going to make everythnig up to me one day and loves me and all that.
it was more believable than other things i have heard from her, but i took it with a grain of salt. she asked if we could hang out thursday night, i said that should be ok. i kept my emotional distance and was remaining on guard to not fall for anything if it should arise, i had my boundaries set and was going to hold them. i figured we'll just see what happens.
last night around 10pm one of her roomates called to see if i had seen or heard from her. she had not been home at all. he checked in this morning too. she had not been home.
so, that can only really mean one thing for her, she used again or went on a crack binge.
it means only one thing for me- she used again or went on a crack binge. and that means that it was still too soon to let the guard down. this entire situation has been an ongoing process and i am still on course. but talking to and seeing her made me ready to believe that things were starting to change. i realized it was only a week in and was not true recovery, but it seemed like a start and i was hopeful. i knew that i would need to see actions and not just hear words. last night's actions showed me what i needed to know again. it did not set me off in a bad way. i was not shaken by it. it hurt a little and makes me feel bad for her, but i still hope one day she'll get it together- for herself. i am doing what i can to keep it together for me and i am regaining my life weekly.
i do not love her any less, but the love has shifted. i am not willing to just give that away to her again. and i am more prepared for the possibility i may never do so. when i get caught up inthe fantasy of how i want things to be, i realize i am projecting somethnig htat is not real and i pull myself back. i try to keep in mind that recovery is a process. both hers and mine. i see more how i had been addicted to her. i will have relapses just as she does. i still partly hold on to that fairy tale ending, but i am holdinh on to more and more of my own life again, and that isnt such a bad feeling finally.
the update on my alo is that i last spoke to her yesterday for a brief time. i actually saw her for coffee before work. she looked better and sounded much better. she said she has been going for her methadone every day and has cut back on crack to about twice a day. she said she was not happy where she is staying, but that she needs to find happiness within herself. she said she is starting to look for work and cant wait to get ajob and a car and a place and live a normal life. she said how she is going to make everythnig up to me one day and loves me and all that.
it was more believable than other things i have heard from her, but i took it with a grain of salt. she asked if we could hang out thursday night, i said that should be ok. i kept my emotional distance and was remaining on guard to not fall for anything if it should arise, i had my boundaries set and was going to hold them. i figured we'll just see what happens.
last night around 10pm one of her roomates called to see if i had seen or heard from her. she had not been home at all. he checked in this morning too. she had not been home.
so, that can only really mean one thing for her, she used again or went on a crack binge.
it means only one thing for me- she used again or went on a crack binge. and that means that it was still too soon to let the guard down. this entire situation has been an ongoing process and i am still on course. but talking to and seeing her made me ready to believe that things were starting to change. i realized it was only a week in and was not true recovery, but it seemed like a start and i was hopeful. i knew that i would need to see actions and not just hear words. last night's actions showed me what i needed to know again. it did not set me off in a bad way. i was not shaken by it. it hurt a little and makes me feel bad for her, but i still hope one day she'll get it together- for herself. i am doing what i can to keep it together for me and i am regaining my life weekly.
i do not love her any less, but the love has shifted. i am not willing to just give that away to her again. and i am more prepared for the possibility i may never do so. when i get caught up inthe fantasy of how i want things to be, i realize i am projecting somethnig htat is not real and i pull myself back. i try to keep in mind that recovery is a process. both hers and mine. i see more how i had been addicted to her. i will have relapses just as she does. i still partly hold on to that fairy tale ending, but i am holdinh on to more and more of my own life again, and that isnt such a bad feeling finally.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
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has cut back on crack to about twice a day.
Thanks for the giggle this morning. There is hope for every addict but if she's smoking dope twice a day (hahahahah!) she's a long ways from recovery - or from being able to get a job or doing any of those things that she dreamed about or you dream about for her.
No offense Steve. That statement is just so full of stinking thinking that I can smell it from all the way across the country. I hope you aren't still pining away for her and falling for that BS. And I hope you aren't putting any stock in her quacking (all though your post indicates you are.) If we want to stop feeding into someones delusions of recovery, no contact is the only way out sometimes...
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
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(((Steve))) - I agree with ((Kitty))) - crack isn't something you just smoke "twice a day" - trust me. Not to mention that "twice" could mean she got a lot of stuff and went got back to get more for the 2nd round.
I'm glad you aren't falling apart over the fact that she didn't show up...that's progress. Maybe next time, when she asks if you two can "hang out", you can say "no"?
What is it, on someone's sig line...something about "don't make someone a priority when you're only an option to them".
She's still using, just not the H. Nothing's really changed in her mind. Smoking crack and getting a job/car/life just don't go together really well.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I'm glad you aren't falling apart over the fact that she didn't show up...that's progress. Maybe next time, when she asks if you two can "hang out", you can say "no"?
What is it, on someone's sig line...something about "don't make someone a priority when you're only an option to them".
She's still using, just not the H. Nothing's really changed in her mind. Smoking crack and getting a job/car/life just don't go together really well.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 774
i'm not pining away- that is the good part. it seems with different encounters i detach further. i'm not going to say what she is or isnt doing. i can say that i hear her words as quacking until she proves otherwise. i know she isnt getting a job as much as she likes the idea of it. i do belive someone can cut back on their use. maybe it only lasts a day or so, but it is not impossible to do it. in the bigger picture, the fact is she is still using. i understand that quiting can be a process of clean time and relapse. as time moves on and as i experience, learn and recover, i have less tolerance for certain things. i cant quite explain it, but whereas i would have hung out knowing she was high, i will no longer do that. i don't give money. its at the point where to me any use is too much and i don't readily believe everything any more.
although i have not had no contact, having limited contact has helped me a lot and perhaps i will get to the point of no contact. i am glad i did not bug out that she disappeared again. i am not flooded with the questions of who, what, where, and why. i look forward to my home, reading, guitar, dogs and seeing my niece-basically having a normal life. i am a litle sad that i have to keep her at a distance, but that is best for us both.
i will keep in mind the line about only being an option to someone. i looked at it this way, if she was being real with me and her recovery she would not have disappeared. that totally makes me see that i am just an option, and one she chose not to try. so i am not even option A and that is good for me.
although i have not had no contact, having limited contact has helped me a lot and perhaps i will get to the point of no contact. i am glad i did not bug out that she disappeared again. i am not flooded with the questions of who, what, where, and why. i look forward to my home, reading, guitar, dogs and seeing my niece-basically having a normal life. i am a litle sad that i have to keep her at a distance, but that is best for us both.
i will keep in mind the line about only being an option to someone. i looked at it this way, if she was being real with me and her recovery she would not have disappeared. that totally makes me see that i am just an option, and one she chose not to try. so i am not even option A and that is good for me.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
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Steve,
Who will hire someone that has to step outside and get some crack on their coffee breaks? (only twice a day she can tell her future employer).
She has created this world to tell you what you want to hear and you get seduced back into it. If you step away and really see it for what it is, you will get why the 'crack two times a day' is so NOT headed towards recovery Steve.
She is just rearranging her addiction and managing it differently so that it looks neat and tidy to you. You don't know that she is cutting back on anything. It is what she told you. Always add on a bunch more of the drug or booze on top of what the addict or drinker admits to doing.
Two hits of crack translated from addict talk probably means 5-6-7..... Rationalizing an addiction does not qualify as being anywhere in the vicinity of recovery. And yes, you are just an option and she knows a good one because you believe her. It isn't about her doing this or that to herself, it is what she is doing to you (quite craftily) that is the hardest part in this story for me
And you know me Stevey, just keepin it real yo! 
Who will hire someone that has to step outside and get some crack on their coffee breaks? (only twice a day she can tell her future employer).
She has created this world to tell you what you want to hear and you get seduced back into it. If you step away and really see it for what it is, you will get why the 'crack two times a day' is so NOT headed towards recovery Steve.
She is just rearranging her addiction and managing it differently so that it looks neat and tidy to you. You don't know that she is cutting back on anything. It is what she told you. Always add on a bunch more of the drug or booze on top of what the addict or drinker admits to doing.
Two hits of crack translated from addict talk probably means 5-6-7..... Rationalizing an addiction does not qualify as being anywhere in the vicinity of recovery. And yes, you are just an option and she knows a good one because you believe her. It isn't about her doing this or that to herself, it is what she is doing to you (quite craftily) that is the hardest part in this story for me
And you know me Stevey, just keepin it real yo! Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
Geeze. Just Geeze. How can they give methadone to a drug abuser. Answer is they don't. Whith xah they turned him away if he tested + for anything at all. She's not on methadone. You got your fix, she got hers and here's to another few months of what ifs. If she's telling you 2, it's 10. C'mon Steve. You have to know their are bad people out there. Child molesters, murders, rapists etc. How can you believe so much in humanity, but the devil is staring you right in the face. I wish you the best steve.
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Steve,
You have to get a grip on this, you seemed to be perfectly fine that she (says) is using crack 2 times a day. To think that she is leading to recovery by using less is so messed up. Just wondering why meeting for coffee, was there something she wanted from you, maybe a few dollars, she got what she wanted then suggested hanging out the next night knowing that would make you happy, but instead she is off on another binge.
I just don't get what part of any of this would give you any thoughts or hope that she is leading towards recovery.
Rose
You have to get a grip on this, you seemed to be perfectly fine that she (says) is using crack 2 times a day. To think that she is leading to recovery by using less is so messed up. Just wondering why meeting for coffee, was there something she wanted from you, maybe a few dollars, she got what she wanted then suggested hanging out the next night knowing that would make you happy, but instead she is off on another binge.
I just don't get what part of any of this would give you any thoughts or hope that she is leading towards recovery.
Rose
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Join Date: Feb 2009
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i always want to make sure communication is correct. so by twice a day i meant she claimed to be down to 2 dimes a day from over ten. as for the testing different states have different rules, here you can test positive for certain drugs and still get methadone, but testing positive for others they will cut you out. no need to get into that anyway. the point is its only been a week really and i can only go by what i see and hear and the two arent matching up so well, so i am keeping on my path. i guess i will start shifting the posts to more about me rather than updating on all of her actions, as this is about me.
signing off soon to get out of work early,
---i hope everyone has a nice weekend---
signing off soon to get out of work early,
---i hope everyone has a nice weekend---
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If there is some hinting by her that she can be a functioning addict, she is way passed that point. Addiction is progressive.
It goes from being able to meet your basic needs on your own and have an addiction (what is called the 'funtioning' addict) to not being able to meet your needs and have an addiction, to your basic needs being replaced by the addiction itself.
A small amount can still be fatal. Addicts are not healthy, even the smallest amount can have horrible consequences because their bodies and organs are under so much strain from all the substance abuse.
Recovery means NOT USING ANYTHING. The amount is irrelevent at this stage. You are back to rationalizing and that is because she was successful at pulling you back in.
I am trying to paint the actual picture rather than the emotional one, not trying to be graphic but that IS addiction at its core, the body taking a toll which is why recovery is the only option. You don't 'cut back'.
It is what makes addiction so hard to witness in those you love because you are watching a slow suicide.
It goes from being able to meet your basic needs on your own and have an addiction (what is called the 'funtioning' addict) to not being able to meet your needs and have an addiction, to your basic needs being replaced by the addiction itself.
A small amount can still be fatal. Addicts are not healthy, even the smallest amount can have horrible consequences because their bodies and organs are under so much strain from all the substance abuse.
Recovery means NOT USING ANYTHING. The amount is irrelevent at this stage. You are back to rationalizing and that is because she was successful at pulling you back in.
I am trying to paint the actual picture rather than the emotional one, not trying to be graphic but that IS addiction at its core, the body taking a toll which is why recovery is the only option. You don't 'cut back'.
It is what makes addiction so hard to witness in those you love because you are watching a slow suicide.
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Location: Atlanta
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(((Steve))) - just one thing to say about her. Recovery doesn't equal quitting dope, or cutting back. I went MONTHS without crack, but I wasn't in recovery, and I ended up dabbling then relapsing, big time.
Keep walking your path, and make it an "all about Steve" weekend
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Keep walking your path, and make it an "all about Steve" weekend
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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