update/help?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Tucson, AZ
Posts: 77
update/help?
I am trying to stay strong, but stuggling a bit. We had court hearing on Tuesday and I was a mess, crying, shaking. I got on the stand and gave testimony regarding our issues and children and why I want the divorce and need the emergency orders of child support and spousal maintenance. I know I appeared as the abused wife who has just had enough. The judge and my husbands own lawyer put him through the grind on the stand. It kind of felt good to watch, although I know that sounds bad. In the end, the judge not only told my husband he is an alcoholic and the sooner he admits that, the better off he will be. Here is the absolute kick in the pants ~ the judge ordered random drops! I was stunned, that is not something we even asked for. So, with this, the husband has quit drinking cold turkey. The last two nights he has come home and stayed in the bedroom watching tv without one drop of alcohol. He is scared.
It is getting harder to feel my choice is the best choice due to the not drinking and him being nice to me and the children. In my head I know this is all due to being court ordered and he is not seeking professional help so I know it won't last. It's dealing with my heart that is the problem. The need to feel loved, the need for human contact. I am having a hard time with just wanting someone to hold me and tell me it's all going to be ok. How do I get through this emotional time? The holidays are coming and I already hate them so this just adds to that. On a happier note, I got a house to rent and should be able to be in there by the end of this month.
It is getting harder to feel my choice is the best choice due to the not drinking and him being nice to me and the children. In my head I know this is all due to being court ordered and he is not seeking professional help so I know it won't last. It's dealing with my heart that is the problem. The need to feel loved, the need for human contact. I am having a hard time with just wanting someone to hold me and tell me it's all going to be ok. How do I get through this emotional time? The holidays are coming and I already hate them so this just adds to that. On a happier note, I got a house to rent and should be able to be in there by the end of this month.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
Hey :-)
Al Anon and therapy and the WILLINGNESS to want change! That's how you stay strong
If you lose your grip now and give it, things will stay the same.
Change/growth is painful, but you need to keep your eyes on the big prize, which is peace.
You're going to get weak moments, but during those moments you need to reach out (Like you did here) and focus
Al Anon and therapy and the WILLINGNESS to want change! That's how you stay strong
If you lose your grip now and give it, things will stay the same.
Change/growth is painful, but you need to keep your eyes on the big prize, which is peace.
You're going to get weak moments, but during those moments you need to reach out (Like you did here) and focus
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
SummerPeach is right.
Yes, we all have needs to be loved and touched and comforted, but they can be met LATER. When you have lived in a peaceful home, you will never, never want to go back to anything less.
Congrats on your rental and on the validation you got from the court. And good for you for realizing that his 2 days of change are most likely temporary. Think of it as saving yourself and your children vs. rescuing him from his problems. That always helped me.
(((hugs)))
Yes, we all have needs to be loved and touched and comforted, but they can be met LATER. When you have lived in a peaceful home, you will never, never want to go back to anything less.
Congrats on your rental and on the validation you got from the court. And good for you for realizing that his 2 days of change are most likely temporary. Think of it as saving yourself and your children vs. rescuing him from his problems. That always helped me.
(((hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
oh Sapphire...wanna take a trip to Montreal and come get some hugs? I'll dedicate an entire week-end to hugging you 
I remember how to feels to want that contact. In the end, the only times XAH touched me were when he wanted sex. I compensated a great deal by spending time with my cats and hugging my daughter a lot. To this day, she's a very affectionate toddler.
I'm so excited for you about the new house!! Perhaps you can focus on that project to try to get through the holidays. I know it won't be easy, but you WILL get through.
to you for doing so well!!!
I remember how to feels to want that contact. In the end, the only times XAH touched me were when he wanted sex. I compensated a great deal by spending time with my cats and hugging my daughter a lot. To this day, she's a very affectionate toddler.
I'm so excited for you about the new house!! Perhaps you can focus on that project to try to get through the holidays. I know it won't be easy, but you WILL get through.
to you for doing so well!!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
I wish I could make the hurt ease somehow. Hugs to you dear.
There were so many times during my separation that I just wanted a hug, a helping hand, someone to soothe my anxiety. I know the feeling of needing the strength of someone else and not finding it. Then to see the actions of my XABF as he ignored me and continued his addiction just made me that much more lonely.
Looking back on that time, I realize that my higher power and the universe had their reasons for making me stand on my own. Without someone to soothe me, I was left to find solace in my own strength and will to go on. I see now that without that time alone I could not learn to rely on myself and see just how capable I really am. Now when I reach out for comfort and companionship I do so with my own strength and giving to return to someone else. Without being alone I could never begin to learn how to truly be with others without taking more from them than I should.
I hope you find comfort in your strength to get through such a difficult task in court. I hope you take solace in your own will to continue to move forward. You have a pending move to a new home that you can fill with love and comfort for you and your children, and that will bolster your spirit.
Much love,
Alice
There were so many times during my separation that I just wanted a hug, a helping hand, someone to soothe my anxiety. I know the feeling of needing the strength of someone else and not finding it. Then to see the actions of my XABF as he ignored me and continued his addiction just made me that much more lonely.
Looking back on that time, I realize that my higher power and the universe had their reasons for making me stand on my own. Without someone to soothe me, I was left to find solace in my own strength and will to go on. I see now that without that time alone I could not learn to rely on myself and see just how capable I really am. Now when I reach out for comfort and companionship I do so with my own strength and giving to return to someone else. Without being alone I could never begin to learn how to truly be with others without taking more from them than I should.
I hope you find comfort in your strength to get through such a difficult task in court. I hope you take solace in your own will to continue to move forward. You have a pending move to a new home that you can fill with love and comfort for you and your children, and that will bolster your spirit.
Much love,
Alice
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
Originally Posted by nodaybut2day 
oh Sapphire...wanna take a trip to Montreal and come get some hugs? I'll dedicate an entire week-end to hugging you
I remember how to feels to want that contact. In the end, the only times XAH touched me were when he wanted sex. I compensated a great deal by spending time with my cats and hugging my daughter a lot. To this day, she's a very affectionate toddler.
I'm so excited for you about the new house!! Perhaps you can focus on that project to try to get through the holidays. I know it won't be easy, but you WILL get through.
to you for doing so well!!!
I remember how to feels to want that contact. In the end, the only times XAH touched me were when he wanted sex. I compensated a great deal by spending time with my cats and hugging my daughter a lot. To this day, she's a very affectionate toddler.
I'm so excited for you about the new house!! Perhaps you can focus on that project to try to get through the holidays. I know it won't be easy, but you WILL get through.
to you for doing so well!!!Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
What a difficult thing to go through! I hope you give yourself a big pat on the back ... it would be hard for anyone. And of course you're going to have second thoughts, that's completely normal. Just take it one day at a time. You're a power of example for all of us.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
It is such a miserable place to be, but please believe it will pass, and you have a new life to look forward to. Can't do much from my now very flooded part of the world, but can send hugs thru SR.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Tucson, AZ
Posts: 77
Thank you all for your kind words and responses. I am working through all of this and trying to turn it all over to HP. No word from the courts as of yet. The back and forth I experience I have noticed is not out of love, but out of fear of leaving the comfort zone. I am in therapy and this is helping me get through. It's nice to have someone remind me how much progress I am making and it appears that I am working my way out of codependency more than I am aware! Hugs to you all!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Tucson, AZ
Posts: 77
Good Morning. The judge issued orders on Friday for child support and spousal maintenance. I got temporary full custody and physical placement. He is allowed visitation on Sat & Sun from 9am to 2pm (the hours I know he doesn't drink). The biggest problem right now is that I am still living in the house (separate bedrooms). I have a place to go but I have to come up with the deposit. My school grants should be coming through by the end of this week. AH's lawyer called mine after the orders were given asking if I would consider staying in the house. AH will be starting a new job that keeps him out of town for the week and home on the weekends. I would have considered it if he wasn't drinking and getting help, but sadly he isn't. The only reason he wants me to stay is because he can't afford the house alone. I know it is in the best interest of my sanity, I need to be out on my own.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
that's great that you got full custody.
will you be able to pay your deposit when your school grants arrive?
i must agree that staying in the house is not the best idea, even if he is not there during the week, it will keep you tied to him.
i hope you get your own place soon and you can have some peace in your own space, where it is 100% yours and you are in control of your own life.
for me, it made a huge difference to have my own place where i could close the door, turn the phone off and recover.
will you be able to pay your deposit when your school grants arrive?
i must agree that staying in the house is not the best idea, even if he is not there during the week, it will keep you tied to him.
i hope you get your own place soon and you can have some peace in your own space, where it is 100% yours and you are in control of your own life.
for me, it made a huge difference to have my own place where i could close the door, turn the phone off and recover.
Rising from the Ashes
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Republic of Texas
Posts: 451
What is a hug?
A hug is something special
A hug can give such joy
A hug can bring a little smile
To every girl and boy
A hug can say a thousand words
Without a single spoken one
A hug can put things right again
When everything seems wrong
A hug can be a lovely thing
It doesn't have to contain a touch
A hug can be on paper
The word 'hug' just means so much
So I'm sending you a special hug
Not physical, it's true
But this hug is sent to let you know
I think the world of you
...... Yvonne Lowther......
*****************************
A hug is something special
A hug can give such joy
A hug can bring a little smile
To every girl and boy
A hug can say a thousand words
Without a single spoken one
A hug can put things right again
When everything seems wrong
A hug can be a lovely thing
It doesn't have to contain a touch
A hug can be on paper
The word 'hug' just means so much
So I'm sending you a special hug
Not physical, it's true
But this hug is sent to let you know
I think the world of you
...... Yvonne Lowther......
*****************************
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Originally Posted by sapphire69
Good Morning. The judge issued orders on Friday for child support and spousal maintenance. I got temporary full custody and physical placement. He is allowed visitation on Sat & Sun from 9am to 2pm (the hours I know he doesn't drink).
Big HUGS, Sapphire! I know testifying was so hard. It took a lot of strength. I went through a similar (final divorce and custody) hearing last Monday. The interim hearing was several months ago. The aftermath for the interim hearing was a hugely bittersweet relief and I'm still processing the final hearing.
I'm glad to the attorneys put your A through the wringer. Honestly, I think it's the only way the truth would be brought to light. I know it was needed in my case. Not that XAH told the truth, but the fact that he lied to the court and the judge caught him at it, well, that was... amazing. I don't think it sounds bad to be happy about him being questioned; IMO, it's normal to feel that way. But then, I'm happy that my attorney and the judge put XAH through the wringer and questioned his GF.
I know you'll have a tiring but satisfying time unpacking things at your new place. I hope, no wait, I know you'll be able to make new Holiday traditions and memories. Take gentle care of yourself.
Hugs.
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