How to have a peaceful home with an addict

Old 12-02-2010, 06:52 AM
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How to have a peaceful home with an addict

It is so hard. I just want to come home to a happy home. We all know the only time home is really happy is when our addict is past the major sickness/withdrawls and is one again the person we love.

But that's so rare. How do you deal with the mood swings, the lashing out, the psychological and emotional abuse? It's so hard. I've become mean myself in defense and because I feel so taken for granted, anger comes up because I just want a happy home. A stable home. I never know what I'm walking into. I find myself yelling and saying mean things, because I wanted to walk into a happy home not feel unwelcomed the moment I walk in the door. Its the worst when he is sick.

Example yesterday; I left him a sweet note efore work knowing he was going to be going through w/d, at lunch I came home and was frustrated that there were still no clean dishes but just went out to lunch, I told him I'd take him to a movie later to get his mind off things. I come home later after work, he's watching tv.He stomped to the bedroom before I said a word. I aske him what was wrong and asked if he would help clean tomorrow or when he felt better (I work he doesn't) he said no and other mean stuff. I cleaned and made dinner-some for him too. and cookies! before all of the cooking i yelled and cried a bunch and was really upset, i was just trying to have a happy day with him!


eventually he calmed down and was nice but every five minutes i got the lashing out for no reason. i'm pretty thin skinned and it is hard!

So how do I keep myself calm, try not to take duh offense, etc? I'm finding it so hard. It's hard not to get angry when taken for granted. i find myself saying meaner things in defense and i hate it. i just want peace!

how do you deal with w/d?
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Old 12-02-2010, 06:56 AM
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set boundaries and don't take the abuse
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Old 12-02-2010, 07:12 AM
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Can you give me examples? Sometimes I feel like it's just me at fault and that I cause all of the fighting. Maybe I do or maybe he wants me to feel that way.
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Old 12-02-2010, 07:26 AM
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I found that I could not live with an addict, period. I walked away from the EXAH, and my 32-year-old AD is no longer welcome in my home.

I'm not a detox center or sober living facility.

I gave it a shot once with my AD, and she turned my household upside down.

I won't ever make that mistake again.

Emotional abuse is not okay hon, and withdrawals are no excuse.

Sending you hugs on the Kansas winds.
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Old 12-02-2010, 08:05 AM
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sounds like an oxymoron to me......living with an addict? Peaceful home?
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Old 12-02-2010, 08:22 AM
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Yeah I understand that. But how do I keep myself from taking suh offense getting sad and lashing out back? I hate the fire that his actions are creating inside of me. I guess it's a defense mechanism to the abuse but I wish I had some tips on how to deal with the fact that I don't get to decide whether my home
is happy every night of the week.
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Old 12-02-2010, 09:10 AM
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how to deal with the fact that I don't get to decide whether my home
is happy every night of the week.


i am not sure if you guys are married or what the dynamic is between you and your addict. i can say that when my gf was living with me, i never knew what to expect. a perfect day could turn sour latter at night. a miserable day could end with smiles. who knew? the couple of times she attempoted to wd at home i expected the worst and just blamed everythng on the wd. she would make it a day, two tops then haveto feed the calling. i just let her remain comfortable though and wouldn't expect or ask for any help around the house.

back to the quote- while living with an addict either active or in withdraw you don;t getto decide whether your home is happy or not because everything depends upon THEIR mood. the only way to decide if your home is free of that is to remove the addict. even after withdraw there is going to be a roller coaster of emotions to deal with. this is still fairly new to me and i am stil llearning, but i can say i have learned that there is no guarantee of peace living with an addict.
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Old 12-02-2010, 09:15 AM
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its very difficult living with an addict. I feel your pain and frustrations. I myself could never live with it again.
however, there are some things you can do..try to detach from the drama, keep reading stickies and posts on here about detaching and coping skills.
PLEASE go to meetings, it will get you out and be around others who are
going through the emotional wreck as you are with living with addiction.
leaving the meetings you will feel a huge burden lifted off your shoulders.
also, you might want to start thinking about if you truly want to live together.
I know myself, I fought for many years with thinking what to do, leave or stick it out. I stayed for too long, it was pure torture for me. I always thought things would get better, this cant be happening. I too became angry, frustrated, depressed and many many days didnt want to go home.
I hope you continue getting support on here and meetings,please know your not alone and we are all here for you.
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Old 12-02-2010, 09:34 AM
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I can't see where there is ever peace with living with an addict, except maybe when they are asleep and then it tears your emotions wondering what they will do when they wake up. You will only find some peace when you set boundries, usually the addict may go along with them for a few days, you calm down and the whole roller coaster ride starts again.
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Old 12-02-2010, 09:36 AM
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I've read your post before and I aleaysfeel like I'm readig a day in my life. Your old posts anyways before you were able to detach. Good job.

This is a 2 year relationship. Pure so right in that everything can change in just minutes. A sour day turned bad, a good day turned sour. Do you have more peace now steve?

I know I'm not ready to detach yet, but I will take the advice of leaving him to do nothing while withdrawling. I am home makig lunch and haven't said a word fr fear of setting him off. I think I will leave in silence.
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Old 12-02-2010, 10:25 AM
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i do have more peace now. believe me, it was hard to find it and it was fleeting at best. it felt worse than going through that first terrible break up. the ONLY ONLY way i got any peace was when we started to have distance between us. i was lucky in that she just left- i did not have to do the hard work of telling her to lkeave, although i did do that once before and it was vey hard.

after like a week i started to fel a slight change. i would have a day with some good moments, but go back to the despair and helplessness. its all a process. it takes time. we cannot just turn off our feelings. it was after going thru stuff over and over with her that i was able to take a small step back. than another, then she would step back and there would be distance for me to heal some. then she'd step forward to me and i would sink again, then step back and so on until i am where i am now. still not fully there but i have had enough distance from the ride to not want to get back on. it takes time and experience to see how things are with an addict, i have a lot to learn still, but the only way i found some peace was to finally step back. it sure didnt happen overnight, but it will come to you.

its so hard to want to care for someone but not be appreciated or even be able to do what you want to help.
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Old 12-02-2010, 11:40 AM
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Here are some things I can tell you TheProcess: I have learned to not place expectations on my Abf. If I expect something from him, and it doesn't happen then I am resentful. I also know that I can only change me, my reactions need to turn into well thought out responses. Nothing changes if nothing changes. You need to keep to your side of the street. Remember that yelling, screaming, passive agressiveness, silent treatments, big talks, etc. don't work. The thing that works is getting the focus on you. When you stop focusing on him you start to get better.
Detachment in my understanding from what I have learned in alanon and CODA is allowing the other person to be who they are. Thats it. So in love, I detach from his stuff. I don't hate him, I hate the disease. He is not the disease.
So now I focus on me, that means I work my program and stop obsessing about him. I have bad days and slip, but I am getting sicker, quicker and coming back to my recovery. I have a sponsor helping me work the steps. I talk to her constantly. She helps me reroute my thinking and reminds me of the tools and slogans. I also have learned to quit taking it personally=Q-TIP. When he uses, its not my fault and I don't have to feel like he did it to hurt me. He didn't wake up in the morning and say "How can I screw with marley today?" No, he did not.
I have also learned from my wise sponsor to not ask questions anymore. Stop asking about what he did, when he did it. No one likes that. I don't. SO instead I make an open conversation, centering around me. I say "this is what I did today...." and it opens it up for him to talk about him too.
Nothing changes if nothing changes. This too shall pass.... When we begin to focus on ourselves, the addict senses it. Have you read the book Getting Them Sober? It is for alcoholics, but I replace the word alcoholic with addict and it fits every time. Take care of you now. That is what naranon/alanon is for. You ((((HUGS))))
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Old 12-02-2010, 11:51 AM
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Living with an addict is extrememly difficult. Probably one of the most difficult things I have ever been through in my life. If they are using, they are still problematic. If they are in withdrawal it's even worse. Maybe you could talk to your addict about some form of a recovery program, and some professional help for himself. As for you if your looking for ways to cope, try Naranon/Alanon. It's an excellent meeting for loved ones of addicts. It's a program that will give you the tools your looking for. You obviously don't stop loving someone because they have an addiction. So there are ways to learn how to deal with it. An ultimatum might be a good start. Make him get help or get lost. Believe me it doesn't get better in time unless the addict stops using. Otherwise it will be using, and withdrawing over and over again. It takes it's toll on the addict and those who love him. My heart goes out to you. It's the toughest thing to live with. I prayed constantly for my addict. He is clean today. Just for today. I have learned to live in the day, and forget the past. I don't worry about the future, I take it one day at a time. I hope things get better for you.
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Old 12-02-2010, 12:30 PM
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when I was withdrawing at home from drugs before I went into rehab I was so very grateful to be left to "die" in peace. I did not ask my husband to feed me or wait on me or nurse me. I just wanted to sleep it off if I could and find the strength to stand. It's like having a very bad flu. I am very thankful in that time that I was ill that I wasn't asked to go shopping, rake the yard or clean the dishes, I was dreadfully sick. I use that image of my weakness on my knees due to narcotics as a powerful recovery tool. I don't ever want to feel or go thru that again. I was weak for 2 weeks. Once I recovered my strength I began my journey to mental recovery. I am happily at 2 years clean. I decided on my own to enter rehab and I know that any pressure or ultimatums or threats would have not worked, I had to do this for myself and my higher power helped ready me for the time. I hope your addict comes clean for good.
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Old 12-02-2010, 01:10 PM
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Let me rephrase this. Ultimatums don't usually work with addicts. I know they didn't work with my son, when he was given one. So let's take the word ultimatum out. What I was trying to say is, let the addict know that your very serious, and you don't want to live this way, with all of the mood swings and problems that come with addiction. Explain in a simple way, that your unhappy with the situation, and you want to come home to a happy environment. Explain that if he is willing to get help, and stay clean the relationship is worth a shot. If not, it would be best to go our own ways. Love doesn't cure addiction. Nothing can cure addiction. Even when we love our addicts, it doesn't get them clean. Eventually the relationship becomes so strained that it ends. It's usually the sober partner that has alot of resentment. There's only so much we can take when it comes to living with an addict. Again, my heart goes out to you. I have been there, and it's not fun.
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Old 12-02-2010, 05:56 PM
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I am not sure that you understand the concept of deatachment.You say you are not ready to detach, but I think you mean leave the relationship.i suggest reading up on deatchment.That is the only way to have peace with an active addict.
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Old 12-02-2010, 06:28 PM
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For me, I could never find any peace. My life with him was nothing but drama and annoyance.

He is now gone, and I am happy and at peace.
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Old 12-02-2010, 07:06 PM
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[
QUOTE=marley75;2785041]Here are some things I can tell you TheProcess: I have learned to not place expectations on my Abf. If I expect something from him, and it doesn't happen then I am resentful. I also know that I can only change me, my reactions need to turn into well thought out responses. Nothing changes if nothing changes. You need to keep to your side of the street. Remember that yelling, screaming, passive agressiveness, silent treatments, big talks, etc. don't work. The thing that works is getting the focus on you. When you stop focusing on him you start to get better.
Detachment in my understanding from what I have learned in alanon and CODA is allowing the other person to be who they are. Thats it. So in love, I detach from his stuff. I don't hate him, I hate the disease. He is not the disease.
So now I focus on me, that means I work my program and stop obsessing about him. I have bad days and slip, but I am getting sicker, quicker and coming back to my recovery. I have a sponsor helping me work the steps. I talk to her constantly. She helps me reroute my thinking and reminds me of the tools and slogans. I also have learned to quit taking it personally=Q-TIP. When he uses, its not my fault and I don't have to feel like he did it to hurt me. He didn't wake up in the morning and say "How can I screw with marley today?" No, he did not.
I have also learned from my wise sponsor to not ask questions anymore. Stop asking about what he did, when he did it. No one likes that. I don't. SO instead I make an open conversation, centering around me. I say "this is what I did today...." and it opens it up for him to talk about him too.
Nothing changes if nothing changes. This too shall pass.... When we begin to focus on ourselves, the addict senses it. Have you read the book Getting Them Sober? It is for alcoholics, but I replace the word alcoholic with addict and it fits every time. Take care of you now. That is what naranon/alanon is for. You ((((HUGS))))
[/QUOTE]Awesome post- thank you!
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Old 12-02-2010, 10:04 PM
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It is ok to be angry. I'd be angry too if I experienced what you are going through. But as you know, that won't change his behavior because as an addict he is numb to anyone else's pain. On top of that the emotional and verbal abuse is something that in and of itself is too much. Getting support (al-anon, therapy, SR) is a great start because you can hear from people who have been there and how they handle it. A therapist may be able to help you work through his abusive issues. That would be a great first step. Sounds like you are needing a better support system to help you cope. I'm sorry you are going through this. Reaching out to people is probably the most important part initially and you did that! Maybe it is the start of finding the peace you deserve .
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Old 12-03-2010, 07:32 AM
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thank you everyone for your responses.

thank you for letting me know it is OKAY to be angry. i always feel terrible for being mad and want to resolve issues as quickly as possible. i strongly dislike fights and just want peace, my anger is generally at the lack of peace! how ironic.

i am scared and just have to take it one day at a time as you all said. the mood swings can just be a little difficult
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