He made his choice, but it still hurts
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Maryland
Posts: 115
He made his choice, but it still hurts
I am new here. Searching for answers. My boyfriend is an alcoholic. I really don't like confrontation at all. After 10 months of avoiding the white elephant in the room; I got up the courage to tell him that I could not accept his drinking. I knew before I said it what the outcome would be. I guess that's why I avoided it for so long. It seemed like we had it all; love, passion, compatability, and intimacy like I've never experienced. I love him with all my heart and wanted so badly to be with him. I still can't believe that this has happened to me. I'm 47 years old and I waited so long for him to come into my life and it all seemed so perfect. I saw the writing on the wall, little by little, and chose to ignore it. But saying it out loud helps me see how real it is. I've read so much on here and know in my heart that I did the right thing - but it really does hurt so much.
So sad......
So sad......
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
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It does hurt. No way around that. I remember the first time (yea, you heard that right) I asked my husband to choose--me or the beer. He looked me straight in the face and said BEER. I was devastated. Eighteen years of marriage and two children, and he would rather have the beer! And it still took me another year to kick him out.
There is a saying (I believe it's Buddhist) that goes something like "pain in life is mandatory, but suffering is optional." While the pain of losing the relationship is awful, it's nothing compared to a lifetime of suffering and staying.
I hope you will continue to post here as you work through the pain and find that a beautiful life awaits you on the other side.
L
There is a saying (I believe it's Buddhist) that goes something like "pain in life is mandatory, but suffering is optional." While the pain of losing the relationship is awful, it's nothing compared to a lifetime of suffering and staying.
I hope you will continue to post here as you work through the pain and find that a beautiful life awaits you on the other side.
L
Rising from the Ashes
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Republic of Texas
Posts: 451
"The difference between false memories and true ones is the same as for jewels: it is always the false ones that look the most real, the most brilliant." Salvador Dali
"There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory." Josh Billings
hwsm, you wrote "It seemed like we had it all; love, passion, compatability, and intimacy like I've never experienced." Yet it took you ten months to build up the courage to confront your ABF that you could not accept his drinking. You wrote "I saw the writing on the wall, little by little, and chose to ignore it."
I agree affirmations can help clarify that something is true, "But saying it out loud helps me see how real it is." I am a firm believer in our own healing power of journaling.
"I have memories - but only a fool stores his past in the future." David Gerrold
The higher the expectations, the lower the serenity. I try to keep my boundaries high, my expectations low, and my heart open.
Learn to give from your overflow rather that from your reserve. This is self care, we learn to let go of burdens we were never meant to carry. Learn to ask, “What is the best thing for me?”
"There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory." Josh Billings
hwsm, you wrote "It seemed like we had it all; love, passion, compatability, and intimacy like I've never experienced." Yet it took you ten months to build up the courage to confront your ABF that you could not accept his drinking. You wrote "I saw the writing on the wall, little by little, and chose to ignore it."
I agree affirmations can help clarify that something is true, "But saying it out loud helps me see how real it is." I am a firm believer in our own healing power of journaling.
"I have memories - but only a fool stores his past in the future." David Gerrold
The higher the expectations, the lower the serenity. I try to keep my boundaries high, my expectations low, and my heart open.
Learn to give from your overflow rather that from your reserve. This is self care, we learn to let go of burdens we were never meant to carry. Learn to ask, “What is the best thing for me?”
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Maryland
Posts: 115
Thank you for your words of wisdom. I'm sure this is for the best and my heart will ultimately heal. I do have good memories though. The first few months of dating, everyone is always on their best behavior. My ABF would have a beer with dinner when we went out, but I never suspected anything like what, in fact, was reality. About five months into our relationship, I asked about the drinking. Was is something that I had missed or was it something new? He got all defensive and said that if I didn't like it that I had a choice to make. My head was spinning but I picked up my keys and walked out the door. Looking back, it was at that point that I should have stuck to my guns. But I second-guessed myself; gave him the benefit of the doubt. I had fallen in love with him and I thought loving someone meant loving everything about them. Accepting that everyone has faults. I thought it was something that we could work thru. I knew nothing about alcoholism. I grew up in a "Cleaver" type family. My parents have been married for 48 years and never fought or argued. And foolishly, I thought I could help him. I thought he would see that my love for him would outweigh his need to drink.
Boy was I wrong. I started seeing a counselor who introduced me to the concept of alcoholics. My friends and family - they all tried to make me see how it would end up. I ignored them all because I loved him. I told him that we had everything and how could he give that up?
There were lots of excuses and blame. I was nagging him. It was my problem. I asked him point-blank to quit, not for me, but for us and our future. I never got a straight answer until I finally told him that I could not accept it anymore. That's when he said he wouldn't stop. I guess it took me hearing those words to really, really accept that this was no longer a fantasy of mine, but reality, in which he chose drinking over me. Like I said earlier; I never had the courage to give him an ultimatum because deep down, I knew that his choice would not be me and I was not ready to accept that. I still have trouble accepting it even though I know it is the best thing for me.
So that's what led me here; searching for answers; trying to make some sense of it all.
Boy was I wrong. I started seeing a counselor who introduced me to the concept of alcoholics. My friends and family - they all tried to make me see how it would end up. I ignored them all because I loved him. I told him that we had everything and how could he give that up?
There were lots of excuses and blame. I was nagging him. It was my problem. I asked him point-blank to quit, not for me, but for us and our future. I never got a straight answer until I finally told him that I could not accept it anymore. That's when he said he wouldn't stop. I guess it took me hearing those words to really, really accept that this was no longer a fantasy of mine, but reality, in which he chose drinking over me. Like I said earlier; I never had the courage to give him an ultimatum because deep down, I knew that his choice would not be me and I was not ready to accept that. I still have trouble accepting it even though I know it is the best thing for me.
So that's what led me here; searching for answers; trying to make some sense of it all.
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 674
You have certainly found a wonderful forum here at SR...good for you.
Your story sounds so much like mine, so much like so many of ours here.
It has been almost a year since I left my Exabf. And I loved him more than I had ever loved anyone before. But I have learned, for the first time in my life, and I am older than your 47 years, that love is not enough. Where there is active alcoholism, there can be no true intimacy. The alcoholic cannot let anyone get that close; it is too risky to their addiction.
And I love him still...but I love myself more.
Take care of you
Your story sounds so much like mine, so much like so many of ours here.
It has been almost a year since I left my Exabf. And I loved him more than I had ever loved anyone before. But I have learned, for the first time in my life, and I am older than your 47 years, that love is not enough. Where there is active alcoholism, there can be no true intimacy. The alcoholic cannot let anyone get that close; it is too risky to their addiction.
And I love him still...but I love myself more.
Take care of you
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
My heart is breaking for you. It is so difficult to deal with the elephant in the room which always sinks a relationship. In our heart of hearts we know it will and put off the inevitable. But the time has come to understand that you're involved with someone who is incapable of having a genuine relationship. His first priority will always be the bottle, unless he gets sober. I know because I'm an alcoholic with decades of recovery.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Maryland
Posts: 115
struggling with NC
In the past week, my xabf has emailed me the lyrics to Garth Brooks "The Dance".
He texted me a day later saying he just wanted me to know that he was thinking about me, missing me, and loving me. He said I had no obligation to text him back (which I didn't) but he felt compelled to tell me that.
The following day I got a text telling me that the portraits we had taken like 2 months ago were in and they were beautiful. He said he was going to buy them all and get them to me somehow (why bother?) and that he loved me.
Tonight I get yet another text telling me "I love you. Stop this senseless nonsense; you know I love you in every way. Nobody is gonna love you more. You know this. Call me, text me, ILY"
I know I shouldn't answer him but it's getting harder because I want to let him know that nothing about our situation has changed, but I still and always will love him. Is that like really wrong?
He texted me a day later saying he just wanted me to know that he was thinking about me, missing me, and loving me. He said I had no obligation to text him back (which I didn't) but he felt compelled to tell me that.
The following day I got a text telling me that the portraits we had taken like 2 months ago were in and they were beautiful. He said he was going to buy them all and get them to me somehow (why bother?) and that he loved me.
Tonight I get yet another text telling me "I love you. Stop this senseless nonsense; you know I love you in every way. Nobody is gonna love you more. You know this. Call me, text me, ILY"
I know I shouldn't answer him but it's getting harder because I want to let him know that nothing about our situation has changed, but I still and always will love him. Is that like really wrong?
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
Stay strong. He is really trying to suck you back in. Once you respond, just once, he will have learned that his quacking is effective, that he can get a response from you if he is persistent enough. It doesn't matter if the repose is negative, it means that you are still listening to him. You will be 'rewarding' his behaviour by responding. It will encourage him to keep it up rather than back away. Nothing has changed. He sees your needs as 'senseless nonsense'. What do you hope to achieve by responding? Play the tape all the way through. What do you expect his reactions to be? What is likely to happen?
Going no contact stopped me from engaging with XAH. Stopped me repeating myself. Stopped me trying to justify myself. Stopped me engaging in the drama. It was hard at first but it does get easier, I promise. I used to visualise a rickety old roller coaster stopping with XAH inviting me to get on by responding to him. Do I want to get back on that roller coaster or do I want to keep my feet on the ground? Try not reading his texts or emails. It is sometimes easier to resist the temptation to engage when you don't see the quacking.
You can do this! Sending you strength!:ghug3
Going no contact stopped me from engaging with XAH. Stopped me repeating myself. Stopped me trying to justify myself. Stopped me engaging in the drama. It was hard at first but it does get easier, I promise. I used to visualise a rickety old roller coaster stopping with XAH inviting me to get on by responding to him. Do I want to get back on that roller coaster or do I want to keep my feet on the ground? Try not reading his texts or emails. It is sometimes easier to resist the temptation to engage when you don't see the quacking.
You can do this! Sending you strength!:ghug3
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: seeking sanity
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hwsm,
I am you only I married mine thinking that all he needed was a stable environment. Alcoholism didn't exist in my family or my social circle so I really didn't even know what it was. I thought an alcoholic was someone who drank too much every now and then. I later learned that it goes much deeper than that and my wonderful life became insane. I literally lost myself trying to fix him. And I didn't even know the meaning of insane until I lived in it. I'm telling you, girlfriend, lick your wounds and be thankful that you have the courage to see it for what it is. I saw it for what I wanted it to be and ended up divorced. I'm now getting back to to where I started and life feels pretty good again but I went through hell in the process. Please keep posting and also consider going to AlAnon if you haven't. I found this forum first and it saved my life. AlAnon enriches it. Feel free to PM me and WELCOME to the forum.
I am you only I married mine thinking that all he needed was a stable environment. Alcoholism didn't exist in my family or my social circle so I really didn't even know what it was. I thought an alcoholic was someone who drank too much every now and then. I later learned that it goes much deeper than that and my wonderful life became insane. I literally lost myself trying to fix him. And I didn't even know the meaning of insane until I lived in it. I'm telling you, girlfriend, lick your wounds and be thankful that you have the courage to see it for what it is. I saw it for what I wanted it to be and ended up divorced. I'm now getting back to to where I started and life feels pretty good again but I went through hell in the process. Please keep posting and also consider going to AlAnon if you haven't. I found this forum first and it saved my life. AlAnon enriches it. Feel free to PM me and WELCOME to the forum.
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Long Branch, NJ
Posts: 253
Originally Posted by RollTide 
hwsm,
I am you only I married mine thinking that all he needed was a stable environment. Alcoholism didn't exist in my family or my social circle so I really didn't even know what it was. I thought an alcoholic was someone who drank too much every now and then. I later learned that it goes much deeper than that and my wonderful life became insane. I literally lost myself trying to fix him. And I didn't even know the meaning of insane until I lived in it. I'm telling you, girlfriend, lick your wounds and be thankful that you have the courage to see it for what it is. I saw it for what I wanted it to be and ended up divorced. I'm now getting back to to where I started and life feels pretty good again but I went through hell in the process. Please keep posting and also consider going to AlAnon if you haven't. I found this forum first and it saved my life. AlAnon enriches it. Feel free to PM me and WELCOME to the forum.
I am you only I married mine thinking that all he needed was a stable environment. Alcoholism didn't exist in my family or my social circle so I really didn't even know what it was. I thought an alcoholic was someone who drank too much every now and then. I later learned that it goes much deeper than that and my wonderful life became insane. I literally lost myself trying to fix him. And I didn't even know the meaning of insane until I lived in it. I'm telling you, girlfriend, lick your wounds and be thankful that you have the courage to see it for what it is. I saw it for what I wanted it to be and ended up divorced. I'm now getting back to to where I started and life feels pretty good again but I went through hell in the process. Please keep posting and also consider going to AlAnon if you haven't. I found this forum first and it saved my life. AlAnon enriches it. Feel free to PM me and WELCOME to the forum.
Same here! My therapist used to occasionally ask, "Are you SURE one of your parents wasn't an alcoholic?" as if I was in denial about it. I was not the classic case of a ACOA marrying an alcoholic. My parents rarely drank anything--maybe Dad had an occasional beer at the VFW and Mom would have a single brandy Alexander on New Year's Eve and giggle a lot. I had no idea that someone could love beer more than their wife. I sure know now.
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 674
Sounds so familiar to me...wow...the text saying you don't have to reply, and then another and another...big babies who aren't getting what they want.
I read something so helpful in the AA Big Book about self will run riot. They want what they want and will be nice, and then nicer and then not so nice. Just to get their own way.
Stay strong...you are so right, nothing has changed. And as I have learned, when there is active alcoholism, love is not enough. So he loves you, so you love him...so what? He has to love himself enough to get sober and stay sober.
You have stated your terms, he knows what they are, he just doesn't think you are serious.
Take care of you...I know how frustrating and hard and sad this all is. I promise you it gets better if you focus on yourself. It got better for me.
I read something so helpful in the AA Big Book about self will run riot. They want what they want and will be nice, and then nicer and then not so nice. Just to get their own way.
Stay strong...you are so right, nothing has changed. And as I have learned, when there is active alcoholism, love is not enough. So he loves you, so you love him...so what? He has to love himself enough to get sober and stay sober.
You have stated your terms, he knows what they are, he just doesn't think you are serious.
Take care of you...I know how frustrating and hard and sad this all is. I promise you it gets better if you focus on yourself. It got better for me.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Maryland
Posts: 115
But, isn't there ever a happy ending? Does it ever work out? Does it have to mean it's over? Is there any chance for him to see what he has done and seek help?
I want to stay strong, but what I really want is him. I'm a smart person. I'm not stupid and if this was my girlfriend; I'd tell her to run as fast as she could in the other direction. But I just love him. I don't want to give in. I'm NOT giving in. I refuse to accept the drinking but I am still deep down inside hoping for a miracle.
From what his family has told me, he quit for 13 years. After his ex cheated on him; supposedly he was devastated and began again.
I feel stong, but then it hurts all over again.
I want to stay strong, but what I really want is him. I'm a smart person. I'm not stupid and if this was my girlfriend; I'd tell her to run as fast as she could in the other direction. But I just love him. I don't want to give in. I'm NOT giving in. I refuse to accept the drinking but I am still deep down inside hoping for a miracle.
From what his family has told me, he quit for 13 years. After his ex cheated on him; supposedly he was devastated and began again.
I feel stong, but then it hurts all over again.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,908
Sure, there's always a chance he'll seek help. There's also a chance that he won't. It is what it is. He told you that you had a choice. Which really means that he has no intention of quitting. Right now, he is pulling out all the stops, attempting to wear you down. He know which buttons to push. The best thing would be to block him so you don't have to read the quacking.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
"nobody is gonna love you more" hello! RED FLAGG!!!!
I had FOUR exes that said exactly that or worse.
I'm glad to see you still posting.
I'm glad you've found SR.
Eventually, you'll see the favor that you've done yourself that brought you here.
It just has to hurt until it feels better.
I understand that as do so many others in this forum.
Welcome aboard (again)
I had FOUR exes that said exactly that or worse.
I'm glad to see you still posting.
I'm glad you've found SR.
Eventually, you'll see the favor that you've done yourself that brought you here.
It just has to hurt until it feels better.
I understand that as do so many others in this forum.
Welcome aboard (again)
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Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
I'm sorry you are hurting, welcole to SR, I have found this a wonderful place for strength and inspiration.
do you really want him, or someone very much like him who doesn't put alcohol before you? because he is the whole package that he presents as now. You asked, he told you. One of my worst relationship vices is going out with someone who would be great if they just didn't do/think/say x/y/z. And Our needs and wants in a relationship are important, if you want dsomeone who doesn't drink the way he does and he won't change, that tells you something powerful.
er, excuse me? DANGER! WILL ROBINSON, DANGER!
you are worthy of a deep satisfying love with someone that doesn't believe that they are the best you can get, and your valid concerns and heartfelt stated needs are "senseless nonsense".
much love, I know this is a horrible time for you.
I want to stay strong, but what I really want is him.
Nobody is gonna love you more.
you are worthy of a deep satisfying love with someone that doesn't believe that they are the best you can get, and your valid concerns and heartfelt stated needs are "senseless nonsense".
much love, I know this is a horrible time for you.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: seeking sanity
Posts: 645
Originally Posted by hwsm
But, isn't there ever a happy ending? Does it ever work out? Does it have to mean it's over? Is there any chance for him to see what he has done and seek help?
I want to stay strong, but what I really want is him. I'm a smart person. I'm not stupid and if this was my girlfriend; I'd tell her to run as fast as she could in the other direction. But I just love him. I don't want to give in. I'm NOT giving in. I refuse to accept the drinking but I am still deep down inside hoping for a miracle.
From what his family has told me, he quit for 13 years. After his ex cheated on him; supposedly he was devastated and began again.
I feel stong, but then it hurts all over again.
I want to stay strong, but what I really want is him. I'm a smart person. I'm not stupid and if this was my girlfriend; I'd tell her to run as fast as she could in the other direction. But I just love him. I don't want to give in. I'm NOT giving in. I refuse to accept the drinking but I am still deep down inside hoping for a miracle.
From what his family has told me, he quit for 13 years. After his ex cheated on him; supposedly he was devastated and began again.
I feel stong, but then it hurts all over again.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
Originally Posted by RollTide
Sure there are happy endings, but mine wasn't. Educate yourself. Read all you can on here and give AlAnon a try. I so much wanted a happy ending that I let his disease nearly destroy me. I thought we had this magical and wonderful love story when in fact we were just textbook alcoholic and codependent. I was extremely naive and was blindsided by it all. We all wish you the very best and can only share with you how it was for us.
I also so much wanted a happy ending. I truly loved my ex. So much so that I tried everything to get us to work. He was sober for 2 yrs, in AA and we were in couples therapy and I truly believed in my heart we would work.
Well he decided to cheat which of course was the last nail in the coffin for me, and I left. So we didn't have our happy ending.
Sure, your ex may stop drinking, but that is only a SMALL portion of recovery, then there is all the ground work to figure out the mental portion of WHY he's an addict.
It's a long, painful and empty road. Not all addicts are the same and some really do work recovery and are capable, but there is a lot of pain to get there.
When I first got to al anon, I told them my bf (now ex) was dry, but not in recovery and this guy in the group came up to me (he was a RA himself) and said "Put your seatbelt on, being with a dry drunk is going to be the ride of your life"
He was NOT kidding!
I had to get off the ride. It broke my heart because I thought my ex and I would grow old.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Leominster, Ma
Posts: 119
Welcome to this great forum. Boy I can identify with everything you are going thru only I'm one of those that responded for years back and forth to my ex alcoholic husband. I still love him and think of him and hope he doesn't die but I don't go see him anymore, I dont' react to his needless and senseless ranting anymore. God I hate text mesages, I stayed hooked to him for a long time that way....it was always the same messages you have been getting too...good luck to you, it's hard when we keep thinking he will change, the only person in the world we can change is ourselves, don't give up and keep coming to read at this forum. hugs to you and strength coming your way.
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