Recover desired

Hi there,
I am a newly recovering alcoholic. I had been having some trouble at work and with a woman whom I had been in a brief but very deep and serious relationship.
I had recently checked myself into re-hab and the day I got out, she had broken up with me. She claims to have lost all trust in both myself and men in general.
On my way into rehab, we drove up together. I had come clean with my lies about my drinking, hiding it from her as the pressure of work and our relationship came tumbling down. My drinking progressed, only at night, but it still did. I was totally honest with her, telling her I had three vodkas before we went out or three before she would come over for the night. I believe I was doing this so that she would not see that I needed and depended on alcohol.
I had been drinking since my teens, for 25 years and was a highly functional alcoholic, but it was still every night. Then it spiralled out of control in late August.
I finally came to the realization that my drinking was out of control and that I am powerless over this disease.
My question is, are there any good sources that I can provide for her to give her an understanding about what it is like for the alcoholic to need to hide. And that sort of behavior is a trait of the disease, not the person inside?

Daffodil

R.D. Welcome ,

Congratualtions on Your recovery....It seems to me that the only thing you can change is you and now you are moving forward...I hope you continue on this journey.

I don't believe there ar any dumb questions...there are just questions I don't have the anwsers for....

First suggestion is: you can ask her to come to this site, ask her to read the power posts at the top and to read some of the threads. Ask her to go to some Al-Anon meetings, and maybe attend some open A.A. meetings with you or without you...

Just as I can't get everyone who's drinking causes me problems in to recovery....You may not be able to get her into any programs that would help you both....

Sending happy thoughts.

Recover desired

Thanks
But at this time, I dont think she is very much open to going to an Alanon meeting. I asked her last night but she didnt seem too enthoused about it. I was hoping to find some literature that hiding the shame of drinking is a biproduct of the disease.
Thanks for your warm welcome

phoenix

There are plenty of examples in AA's Big Book that would support what you are saying.But if she is not interested in learning more about alcoholism,it may be best just to let it go.If there is a possibility of mending your relationship,working on your own recovery may be the most helpful thing you can do.We have some very good forums here that will help you find your way.

phoenix

EmotionalMeg

Hi Recover Desired
Don't feel silly - it's not a dumb question at all.

In fact, it made me think Be afraid... be verrrry afraid!!! (sorry, Halloween has gone to my head)

Imagine it this way...
We are reminded many times in our recovery in Alanon, that WE are powerless over alcohol - just as an A is powerless over alcohol... WE (as the loved ones of an A, AND codependant people) are powerless over the disease just as you are. We cannot manipulate the addict, or change him, or even "help" him to get sober; we can only help ourselves and learn to keep our "hands off" of them. But we have all done it, in an attempt to get them sober - we've begged them to stop, cried, got angry, and even pushed treatment centre pamphlets and recovery liturature in their face. It doesn't work for us; it doesn't solve our problems, it doesn't get them sober, only THEY can get help and recover for themselves. Our efforts are wasted energy.

And it doesn't work the other way around either.
I KNOW from experience that I had to reach my OWN bottom; my OWN point of surrender. There was a time when I was simply not ready and willing to give up my fight against this disease. I still wanted to deny its existance, and fight tooth and nail to control his behavior and our marriage. I had to reach a point when I understood that what I was doing wasn't working for me, and have the desire to believe that I couldn't do it alone. Only THEN was I ready to accept Alanon, and any 12-step or recovery program in my life.

It sounds like your ex is not at this point. No matter how much you WANT her to understand you, she cannot be forced into it. In Alanon we practice letting go... Letting go of those things which we cannot control, and allowing our HP to take care of it. If she has already rejected Alanon, perhaps she is still not wanting to give up HER fight; perhaps she is just not ready.
Your focus NEEDS to be on you; on YOUR recovery; on working thru it, and finding a way, 1 day at a time. Perhaps, in fact, it is a blessing that you have the space to work only on YOU.

However, that being said, you can of course still remain open to her. Give her the space to make her own decisions; stay or walk away; be concerned, angry, hurt... whatever. Have the liturature of AA and Alanon ready should she ask or be willing to learn. We all have to come to our healing and growth in our OWN time, no matter how much others desire a change.

(whew!) I really didn't mean to be so long-winded.
Congratulations on your recovery - it is such a beautiful thing. Keep coming back, and share... it helps us too!
Meg

Patsyd1

"My question is, are there any good sources that I can provide for her to give her an understanding about what it is like for the alcoholic to need to hide. And that sort of behavior is a trait of the disease, not the person inside?"

Hi Recover Desired,

This isn't about what she understands or doesn't understand..... this is not about trying to convince someone what alcoholism is or does to us on the inside.

For myself, when I have the focus on trying to "teach" someone about something that I have no understanding of..... the one who goes to heck is ME.

Desired, actions speak alot louder than words do. Take care of you and your sobriety right now. Because this isn't about her, what she thinks or doesn't think about you and your recovery............this is about staying sober for YOU, one day at a time, and working this simple program in your own life first.

It sounds as if you are trying to convince her that your behavior can be explained away if only SHE will find out about YOUR disease.

Well it doesn't work that way Desired.
I would suggest that you keep the focus on the only thing that you can do anything about. Get to as many AA meetings as you possibly can, identify and do not compare, and let someone know that you are new. Get some phone numbers and call them. Take the suggestions and get a sponsor, and call him.

Begin working this simple program in your own life first.
It really matters little what you can convince HER of, or if she learns about your disease or why you do or feel the way you do. What truely matters is that YOU stay sober one day at a time, and YOU take the actions necessary for your own sobriety........whether she gets to alanon or not. Because this isn't about HER.........this is about YOU, and what you are willing to do, and what lengths you are willing to go to .... to stay sober.

And then just keep coming no matter what.


Love,
Patsy

Recover desired

When I went into re-hab, I confessed to my lies about drinking. That day, we drove to the country and I checked in. She said that she would help support my decision and provide whatever she could do to help.

I made the decision, on my own, to seek help. I was under a lot of stress at work and at home and the two collided. I drank more than normally for the past two months, which only added to my problems. I took full responsibility and apologized and apologized again.

At rehab, I learned a lot. When she came to pick me up, I was feeling great. She saw me walking tall, like I used to. We got into the car and all she wanted to know, at first, was what famous people were there, etc. She then asked me what I learned, which lesson was most important. I had not completely processed everything, as a week out of it, I am still trying to process. I blurted out Honesty with myself and others.

She then started to lay into me about how I was not honest with her when I was drinking. She went back to my behavior when I was drinking. She compared me to her brother, also in recovery, and said he never lied to her about his drinking. I told her that was apples and oranges; a totally different dynamic.

I was proud leaving, but it felt as though she was trying to rip it all apart. We went to dinner and she ordered two beers and two saki's, right in front of me. That didnt bother me but the fact that she did not ask if I was uncomfortable with it did.

Later she told me I had no character as a human being. She claimed that she wanted to break up with me but needed me for my car. She told me that she met someone who is "better" than me on the internet (or was corresponding with him).

She wanted to make me drink that night. We spoke last Thursday, as she had called to see how I was doing. She admitted no wrong doing. She denied her anger. I feel like she is a boxer who throws a punch to knock me down and then wants to come back with the gauze to pick me up. It is a total distraction, and it hurts. But I still, in a strange massochistic way, would like to keep her in my life.

In our conversation, I stated that I think she hurt me to make me want to drink again. She claimed that she knew I wouldnt. How the hell could she know that when I didnt know it? I was tempted but went immediately to an AA meeting.

I can rationalize that I should not allow this person in my life ever again. But emotionally I am dissapointed in her lack of support. I wanted her to see me as who I am and she does not show any interest in that.

So, I assume, as hard as it is, it is time to let go. It is difficult to let go of the enemy (alcohol) that would have served as a temporary relief to the angst caused by the break up and let go of her at the same time. It hurts, hurts a lot. I know I am doing this for myself, I know that, otherwise I would be drinking by now. But I wanted so badly for her to share in my recovery.

Is this a sign of co-dependency on her part? In that she feels the need to knock me down?

boo

Hi,
First Al-anon has a pamphlet entitled "The merry-go-round named denial" You might want to get that for this woman. It costs 30 cents in Canada.

Second, from my own experiences with an A recently, it is not so much the intentions or motive as the partner as the desire to drink in the A--just my opinon, but only she can know what her real intentions are. Until you have really stopped drinking, there will be situations created where she will or will not respond to them in a way that will appear loving or detrimental. That may be out of lack of knowledge, or meaning well but messing up, exasperation, not being able to act on the spot, anything.

There are also open AA speaking meetings both you and she may attend as you are probably well-aware--to learn more about alocholism and others' experiences--I'm off to one at 7:30...

I am glad you are trying to recover

Patsyd1

(((((((Recover Desired,)))))))))) right now, the best thing that you can do for you is to get to alot of AA meetings and ask for help. I would suggest that you get a sponsor and call him. Yes there are those who would perfer to see us drunk. Is this what your giflfriend prefers......I don't know. What I am sharing with you is so important for your own recovery. Get to as many AA meetings as you can and for right now .... today.... keep the focus on staying sober one day at a time.

This woman seems like she is very important to you, and right now what is MOST important is that you take care of YOU and your sobriety.

Congrats to you Recover Desired, its great that stayed sober

Continue working on your and your own recovery by attending AA meetings, and let someone know that you are new and just got out of rehab........ get as many phone numbers as you can and call them.

This really isn't about her Recover, there is nothing you can do about her, and what she says or does.... but there is so much that you can do about you,.....this is truely about staying sober one day at a time and doing what you need to do to take care of YOU

Love
Patsy

smoke gets in my eyes

Hi Recover.

Congratulations on all the progress you have made. In the interest of maintaining your sanity, I hope you'll take your own advice and let go of this issue. There's no way for us to know if this woman is codependent. It does, however sound pretty definite that she's mad. And I'd say from your description that you're right. She was trying to hurt you. But right now, for you, it can't matter why. What she does or does not understand or what emotional baggage she has from her relationship with you or others does not change the way she's behaving. And whether it's fair or not... she seems to be blaming you for whatever pain she's feeling. And I'd like to suggest to you that if that is what she believes, YOUR suggesting to her that she is codependent or lacking in understanding (ie: she is the problem) is not likely to be met with gratitude. You will not be able to make her see what, if anything, is wrong with her. She will have to come to that herself. Whether by you, or others before you, this woman has been wounded. And she is too wrapped up in how much she hurts to consider your position. That's too bad. But your struggle with yourself is so new. Do you want to take on this woman's demons right now as well? Do what you need to do for you. She'll make a move toward recovery only when, and if, she realizes on a soul level that she needs it. Not because you tell her so.

So... have you visited the AA page here?

Welcome to the forums!
Hugs,
Smoke

Recover desired

Thank you everyone for your advice. It is truly appreciated. I have been going to AA quite a bit and have met some great people there. I have found a home meeting that is right around the corner from my house, chocked full of interesting neighbors as I live in NYC's most artistic neighborhood. They have been wonderful and supportive and it really feels like home.

Eastern Philosophy teaches us the without pain, we would feel no elation, without life, there would be no death. I am trying to adapt this method of thinking. In regard to the things she said and did I am trying to turn my anger into acceptance. I am struggling with that, however. I catch myself wavering in between the two. But the bottom line is, I need to accept the fact that she is what she is. She denies anger as an emotion entirely, rejects it flat out. But I have been on the receiving end of her anger, and boy is it there.

I find myself fighting the urge to call her or email her, telling her how great I feel. But that urge, like any, passes. I wanted her to share in my growth, but she seemingly is rejecting that idea. Without trying to sound like a whiney broken record, it just hurts when you make a commitment and take a large step to improve that you get rejected out right.

I know I can rationalize in my mind, with logic, that I should not be with this person right now, but emotionally is a totally different thing entirely. I know that my recovery takes the front seat to anything in my life right now. At the same time, this woman was a very important part of my life and it just kills me to think that she was just in it for the "fun" times or the "party" times.

I am a driven human being and determined to kick this 24 year habit any way I can. This is my 15th day and I have been exposed to people drinking around me (can't help it, as for my job I need to do some business dinners). I have been comfortable, not edgy around it. I am the type that can resist the first drink, but if I pick up that first drink, I loose all of my sense of control over this substance. I know that.

My sense of clarity is back, my sense of self esteem keeps growing, every day. I am humbled and grateful by some of the people and stories I have heard in AA. I am grateful to the friends I have met in re-hab and in AA. Complete strangers helping me with this change of lifestyle. I only wish that the person who I would like to see me grow were there to witness it, as she witnessed my spiral from a highly functioning alcoholic into a potentially non-functioning alcoholic.

I know I can not control the way she feels; I just wish I could accept it. I also know that the opposite of anger is acceptance, so perhaps I am too raw at this point...

Patsyd1

Hi Recovered,

Yes it does hurt like hell when we are rejected, and the way that I look at rejection is this: ....Rejection.... is God's Protection

Perhaps God is doing for you, what you can not do for yourself?


Acceptance? Acceptance doesn't mean to put up with or to just take it...... it means to take a good look at what is real... Reality....and then make a decision about what I want to do about it for me.

Recovered..... Today, I honestly believe with my heart and soul that everything happens for a reason, and that whatever happens is suppose to happen...... God has my back, and my best interests at heart. Today I trust that God knows..... even if I don't, even if I am confused, even if it hurts like hell..... there is a reason for everything...... and today I do not have to know what that reason is....... I just trust that God knows, and He will disclose the answers in HIS time....not mine.

So Recovered..... you just keep doing what you are doing, and you never know what God has planned for you. Sometimes us alkies like to stand too damn close to the tapestry on the wall, so that all we can see is the small picture. In God's time we back away from the tapestry and God discloses the big picture to us. When we are too close we can only see the blurry outlines of things....... when we back up, the whole tapestry can be viewed........ and we see the whole picture, we begin to see things much more clearly, ... the big picture with all its beauty

Stay in today Recovered.... and be grateful for what you do have...... your sobriety, AA meetings, people who care about you, and there are many people who do care and are willing to be there for you and celebrate your new found sober life. We have many things to be grateful for Recovered, but when we are in emotional pain, all we can see is the one thing that is negative. Recovered....... this too shall pass, just don't drink, and keep coming......no matter what.

And congratulations to you ((((((((((Recovered)))))))))))) on 15 days sober Fantastic kid!!!

Love,
Patsy

purplesky

Hi Recovered,
I have read a lot of Alanon books but wanted to learn from the A..perspective. I just finished " Alcohol: a love story" by Caroline Knapp. I found it very insightful. You can get this at the library. Don't know if she would be willing to read it or not. It has helped me to try to understand the disease and what the A is going through.

Congratulations on recognizing that you have a problem and the willingness to face it head on. May your HP guide you in all that you do.

Recover desired

Funny you mentioned that. On the day we went up for my rehab check in, I gave her my only copy of that book. Today I was at Barnes and Noble and picked up my own copy to re-read. I had told her about it the night before and she had actually asked for my copy of it the morning she picked me up. So I gave it to her.

Knowing her, however, she probably has not read it yet unfortunately.

Sadly to report, Caroline passed away of cancer a few years ago. I had the opportunity to have known her when I lived in Boston and she in Cambridge. Not well, but enough to know that she was a true and honest spirit.

12stepmarce

There are no dumb questions.

Just suggest she check out Al-Anon.

There she'll learn what she needs to know about alcoholism.

Good luck!