Nikki2003

Feeling emotionally down right now. I think all the posting of so much of the hell I went through has emotionally drained me. There is still a ton more to post but I think after posting the last part of the trial tomorrow I will take a few days break. I am not down because of the content of what I posted I am down because looking back I truly wonder if my mother ever cared about me even a little. How could a mother not love their own child? How is that even possible? Yes I know I am 34yrs old and asking why my mother didn't love me or couldn't. Not sure which. I am just trying to figure things out in my own head. All my life I blamed myself for everything. Now my mental health team has been telling me to put the blame and responsibility where it is supose to lay. But if I do that then it creates so many more confusing questions. Sorry if I sound like I am whining. I don't mean to. JUst trying to figure things out.

Wascally Wabbit

I read your blog. I have to tell you that my mom became a raging alcoholic after my dad died when I was 13. You know the story and the severe abuse.
When I was 17 and had a 1 year old baby, she tossed me and the baby out on the street, literally, where we spent the night on a park bench.
I wound up totally lost, on drugs and the whole mess. I also lost my child because I was unable to care for him. He is in his 30's now and I have not seen him all this time.
Talk about pain.
I could tell you a million stories, but you already know it.

I got away. I got well. I stayed away from her for years. I wanted a mom. I needed someone to love me and so I got in contact with her a couple decades later.
Nothing has changed except she no longer drinks. Still the same criticism, still the same ego.

I learned to forgive her. This doesn't mean I like her it means I refuse to allow her to control my thinking. I still struggle with it from time to time and post here when I need help.

You are loved. You are cared for. Your life will become what you want it to be. A friend once told me when I dreamed of going to college that , "If you want something bad enough to happen, you don't wait for it, you MAKE IT HAPPEN". LOL, my mom always said I would be wasting my time (her way of saying I could never get into college). I did. I made it happen. Funny, even after graduating, she was too busy to attend the ceremony.
So she's crazy. Not my fault and no longer my problem.
I pray forgiveness for all I have done in my crazy years and pray that I can continue to forgive her.
I hope you find peace. I believe you will. Just keep looking for it creating it, and you will find it.

justjo

Hi Nikki
I know my mum loves me but as a child she never showed it much. She never hugged me or told me she loved me. It is just the way she is, ya know. She never got much physical loving herself or expressed it. Its the way she was brought up, not much emotion.
Have you ever asked your mother 'if she loves you' or anything else you would like to know from her. Sometimes facing it, can really bring out stuff - you may be surprised with what she tells you.
JJ

Kindeyes

Nikki
There are some things in life that we just don't get to understand. Once we accept the fact that we don't get to fully understand it.......and stop trying......we find peace.

Acceptance that things are the way they are (or were) and moving toward the future was my key to my own personal serenity. I cannot let my past define who I am today. If I did, I would be a total mess. I cannot let the bad things (and people) in my past dominate my thoughts. If I do, I am granting them control over my life.

gentle hugs

Nikki2003

Yup I asked her. On multiple occasions through out my life and the answer was always the same. "How could I love something that was born a curse and that God could never love. If he can't love you then I never will either."

greeteachday

((((Nikki))))