Progression..
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Join Date: Jun 2006
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Progression..
Yeah, it's definitely progressing, rather rapidly at this point too. AH was arrested Saturday night. He went to a concert at a local bar with is brother, and apparently thought he could drive home.
I don't know any specifics, just that he didn't come home yesterday until around 2pm, and then proceeded to sleep until this morning.
I have not been told he was arrested. I went to see who was calling on his cell phone earlier this morning, and saw the text he sent to his brother. His mother apparently bailed him out too.
I'm so disgusted right now, both with him, and his mother. I'm doing my best to detach, to calm down, to remember the 3 C's, but it's so difficult.
I don't know any specifics, just that he didn't come home yesterday until around 2pm, and then proceeded to sleep until this morning.
I have not been told he was arrested. I went to see who was calling on his cell phone earlier this morning, and saw the text he sent to his brother. His mother apparently bailed him out too.
I'm so disgusted right now, both with him, and his mother. I'm doing my best to detach, to calm down, to remember the 3 C's, but it's so difficult.
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I'm going to talk to him after the kids go to bed. I'm tempted to call his mom and tell her to clean out the basement, because she gets to deal with him now, but I'm controlling myself. Between this, and his "I'm purposely screwing up the bank account and buying whatever I want so I can screw you", I'm done. He can have the house(with all of it's problems) back when school is done for the year.
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when I checked last, there was $12 in his account(I have no way to actually get that money though, my name isn't on that account)
I had previously made a list of family practice lawyers, I need to figure out where I put that list, or find a phone book and make a new list. Then start calling friends to see who can watch my 2yo while I go make some visits.
I had previously made a list of family practice lawyers, I need to figure out where I put that list, or find a phone book and make a new list. Then start calling friends to see who can watch my 2yo while I go make some visits.
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Illinois
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Start protecting yourself financially NOW. My STBEXAH started out with a DUI and fines in 2008. Fast forward two years and he now owes $ 4000 in credit cards and $ 25,000 in medical bills. Hopefully I won't have to pay for those in the divorce. Atleast the credit cards were in his name and we were separated at the time. He's currently in prison serving 7 months for domestic violence. It's hard to hear, but your situation will get worse before it gets better. I wish I would've followed through with the divorce in 2008. Like others, I believed his words. Never again will I listened to words over true actions. Hang in there and protect yourself and your children.
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Maine
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Pixilation, be careful. Debt that is racked up during the course of the marriage is often considered joint debt, even if it is on a credit card in only one person's name. Document as best you can his threats of economic misconduct. Call a lawyer for advice, even if you're not ready to start any legal proceedings.
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Luckily only 3 low limit store credit cards, that he's already screwed up by not paying anything on in many months. And he can go to the VA for medical.
He's been doing this money thing for at least 6 months, I have to constantly play catch up on the bills(the only ones that get paid are ones that automatically come out of his bank account) and practically beg for grocery money from him. On a plus side there, I've learned how to coupon and shop the sales, so I save 40% on my groceries, on average. I wish I could get into his brain and figure out(besides the alcohol talking) why he's doing it.
When I went to talk to him about it all last night, he'd already started drinking. And I think we all know it's best not to engage at that time. I have still not learned anything about him sitting in jail or anything related to it. I don't know if I ever will hear it from him.
He's been doing this money thing for at least 6 months, I have to constantly play catch up on the bills(the only ones that get paid are ones that automatically come out of his bank account) and practically beg for grocery money from him. On a plus side there, I've learned how to coupon and shop the sales, so I save 40% on my groceries, on average. I wish I could get into his brain and figure out(besides the alcohol talking) why he's doing it.
When I went to talk to him about it all last night, he'd already started drinking. And I think we all know it's best not to engage at that time. I have still not learned anything about him sitting in jail or anything related to it. I don't know if I ever will hear it from him.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
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He's doing it because he can.
IME, waiting for the finances to work out was completely useless. My xah was creating chaos with the finances. There was no way to budget or get a handle on it while we were together. If there was a method, strategy, or plan, I tried it. Nothing worked.
In my state once you file for divorce (even if you don't follow through) you can add a clause that neither party do anything major with $$ and assets. That would include selling things, spending it, and borrowing it (directly or through new cards). It was important because where I live it doesn't matter who did it, everything is shared 50/50 if it happened during the marriage. Two people I know ended up paying half of a car loan because they did not do that and their husband went out and loaned $$ for very expensive cars after they were separated and no longer living together but before any type of paperwork was done. In one case, the divorce was finalized - she got no $$ because it went to pay off the car, and then he sold it. He wasn't even an alcoholic/needing money. He was just an ass. I also filed for temporary use of the house and temporary custody/child support. (I can't remember if you have kids). I filed for divorce for that very reason (I wasn't even sure I wanted to follow through on it) because he was drinking from the time he got up until he went to bed and was going off the deep end and I wanted him out of the house and he flat out refused to go. Temporary use of the house made it possible to force him out.
One thing is for sure - when the rubber hits the road people have a way of surprising us with behavior we never dreamed possible. I know you have plans and are making plans. Being organized is good. Protect yourself.
IME, waiting for the finances to work out was completely useless. My xah was creating chaos with the finances. There was no way to budget or get a handle on it while we were together. If there was a method, strategy, or plan, I tried it. Nothing worked.
In my state once you file for divorce (even if you don't follow through) you can add a clause that neither party do anything major with $$ and assets. That would include selling things, spending it, and borrowing it (directly or through new cards). It was important because where I live it doesn't matter who did it, everything is shared 50/50 if it happened during the marriage. Two people I know ended up paying half of a car loan because they did not do that and their husband went out and loaned $$ for very expensive cars after they were separated and no longer living together but before any type of paperwork was done. In one case, the divorce was finalized - she got no $$ because it went to pay off the car, and then he sold it. He wasn't even an alcoholic/needing money. He was just an ass. I also filed for temporary use of the house and temporary custody/child support. (I can't remember if you have kids). I filed for divorce for that very reason (I wasn't even sure I wanted to follow through on it) because he was drinking from the time he got up until he went to bed and was going off the deep end and I wanted him out of the house and he flat out refused to go. Temporary use of the house made it possible to force him out.
One thing is for sure - when the rubber hits the road people have a way of surprising us with behavior we never dreamed possible. I know you have plans and are making plans. Being organized is good. Protect yourself.
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Yes there are kids, that's why I waited so long to talk to him, and unfortunately last night it backfired on me, but the time the kids were all in bed he'd already started drinking.
His credit is so screwed up now I don't think he could get anymore even if he tried. Mortgage has been consistently late for nearly a year, his motorcycle payment is late(the one he HAD to have as a deployment gift to himself, the one that sat in the driveway, being driven maybe 20 hours this summer) all the cards are in default, etc. So I'm not worried about more credit happening.
His credit is so screwed up now I don't think he could get anymore even if he tried. Mortgage has been consistently late for nearly a year, his motorcycle payment is late(the one he HAD to have as a deployment gift to himself, the one that sat in the driveway, being driven maybe 20 hours this summer) all the cards are in default, etc. So I'm not worried about more credit happening.
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The thing is, he is not only ruining his credit, since you are married, he is also ruining yours. If and when you try to move on, it is definitely going to affect what you are able to do. A history of slow pays can greatly deminish your ability to get your own feet on the ground. It just seems like you are willing to accept a lot of stuff that is going to hurt you in the end, should you decide to part ways.
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Well, many people do that, and it's entirely possible. However, credit checks are performed for a great many things these days, not just for purchase power. Renting an apartment, opening a bank account, getting a job, etc., are just a few examples. Bottom line is, the longer you wait to take steps to separate your financial issues, the worse things will be. As someone said, even if you don't follow through with a divorce, it would greatly benefit you to check out your legal rights and do whatever is necessary to relieve yourself of responsibility for his actions.
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Never underestimate the eager to find credit. He can get it by using your info.
We got credit card offers in the mail constantly. All my xah had to do was call or mail it back and wallah - he had a new card. In my name. Doesn't matter - no one looks at the actual card. He got cards in his name using marital income. He got store cards off his brother but they were in his name. Some kind of Christmas promotion. He went in to the bank and withdrew money off my account that does not even have his name on it. Yes I talked to the bank and flagged the account but I'm just expressing that there are work arounds. There were countless over draft charges I paid because it affected my credit. He sold his truck for a golf membership. I hid money, cards, checkbooks, couldn't give the kid an allowance, couldn't give him money for groceries or only half of it would buy food. He had his paycheck. I hoped he'd do something responsible with part of it. Sometimes he did, most times not. That stuff happened *before* I rocked the boat. By the time I had come to the point of seperating I had paperwork that protected me if he tried to out maneuver me. He was also so drunk all day by then he wasn't capable of doing anything to crafty (which is why he resorted to taking $$ from 8yo's.).
We got credit card offers in the mail constantly. All my xah had to do was call or mail it back and wallah - he had a new card. In my name. Doesn't matter - no one looks at the actual card. He got cards in his name using marital income. He got store cards off his brother but they were in his name. Some kind of Christmas promotion. He went in to the bank and withdrew money off my account that does not even have his name on it. Yes I talked to the bank and flagged the account but I'm just expressing that there are work arounds. There were countless over draft charges I paid because it affected my credit. He sold his truck for a golf membership. I hid money, cards, checkbooks, couldn't give the kid an allowance, couldn't give him money for groceries or only half of it would buy food. He had his paycheck. I hoped he'd do something responsible with part of it. Sometimes he did, most times not. That stuff happened *before* I rocked the boat. By the time I had come to the point of seperating I had paperwork that protected me if he tried to out maneuver me. He was also so drunk all day by then he wasn't capable of doing anything to crafty (which is why he resorted to taking $$ from 8yo's.).
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Had the talk with him, he's now refusing to leave the bedroom.Tried to act like it was no big deal, I was over-reacting, etc.
I have to leave the house at 6:30, middle son has a program at school. I'm going to come back to a locked house, aren't I? Just in case I'm planning ahead tonight before I leave. and I have enough money in my bank account(he'd have to leave the house right now if he wanted money out of it, I cancelled his debit card for the account a few weeks ago) to pay for a hotel room tonight if I need it. Plus $30 cash.
And then oldest had issues at school, and frakking hell, I can't do this anymore. I'm still wondering who the hell I ticked off in a former life for this to happen to me.
I have to leave the house at 6:30, middle son has a program at school. I'm going to come back to a locked house, aren't I? Just in case I'm planning ahead tonight before I leave. and I have enough money in my bank account(he'd have to leave the house right now if he wanted money out of it, I cancelled his debit card for the account a few weeks ago) to pay for a hotel room tonight if I need it. Plus $30 cash.
And then oldest had issues at school, and frakking hell, I can't do this anymore. I'm still wondering who the hell I ticked off in a former life for this to happen to me.
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Deep breaths and try and enjoy the school program.
I'm glad you are prepared if he locks you out. He'd better not. :/
My kids acted out in all kinds of ways during the upheaval. You'll get through it, even when you don't think you can. Look at all you have done to keep your house and family standing over the years? Look at all you do now!. I remember being so utterly exhausted in every way imaginable but I just kept putting one foot in front of the other, one more day, one step closer to getting out of that quicksand. Sometimes I felt it was blind faith alone but I made it, and so will you
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If he locks you out of the house, why not call police and ask their help in getting entry into your own home? It would be an event legally logged, and if AH does cause a disturbance he could be arrested and removed.
I know it seems a nightmare right now, but it is your nightmare, and only you can act to end it, and the sooner, the better for you and your kids.
I know it seems a nightmare right now, but it is your nightmare, and only you can act to end it, and the sooner, the better for you and your kids.
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Well, luckily he didn't lock us out of the house. And he has now left for work(apparently, my state doesn't take the license away when the arrest is made, I had assumed they did)
We'll be out of the house before he gets home in the morning, I have a few places to visit tomorrow.
The part that really disgusts and angers me right now, is the fact that he still drank last night. So obviously a "puny class B misdemeanor" isn't enough to get him to try and get sober.
We'll be out of the house before he gets home in the morning, I have a few places to visit tomorrow.
The part that really disgusts and angers me right now, is the fact that he still drank last night. So obviously a "puny class B misdemeanor" isn't enough to get him to try and get sober.
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Originally Posted by pixilation 
Well, luckily he didn't lock us out of the house. And he has now left for work(apparently, my state doesn't take the license away when the arrest is made, I had assumed they did)
We'll be out of the house before he gets home in the morning, I have a few places to visit tomorrow.
The part that really disgusts and angers me right now, is the fact that he still drank last night. So obviously a "puny class B misdemeanor" isn't enough to get him to try and get sober.
We'll be out of the house before he gets home in the morning, I have a few places to visit tomorrow.
The part that really disgusts and angers me right now, is the fact that he still drank last night. So obviously a "puny class B misdemeanor" isn't enough to get him to try and get sober.
Yes, he is gonna drink, I know I drank until I decided I wasnt going to anymore. I realized I didnt have to live like that anymore.
Keep taking care of yourself Pixilation.
Beth
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Ugh, oldest decided that school was too much to handle today. Honestly, I think he forced his way into staying home to play the protector role. So I didn't leave like I wanted too.
I will be doing it in the morning though, I've got several places I want to call, and I don't want to do it with AH in the house.
I did lose it on him today, when he started teasing me about going to Al-anon(the whole ONE meeting I've been able to attend) Because, remember, HE DOESN'T HAVE A PROBLEM. Yeah, because me getting help will make him win custody(still at that point too) and if he doesn't, his mom will call CPS on me everyday until they take the kids from me. I'm exhausted right now, mentally, physically, emotionally. I'm done, I'm spent. but I have to keep the fight in me, because otherwise it's just going to continue.
I will be doing it in the morning though, I've got several places I want to call, and I don't want to do it with AH in the house.
I did lose it on him today, when he started teasing me about going to Al-anon(the whole ONE meeting I've been able to attend) Because, remember, HE DOESN'T HAVE A PROBLEM. Yeah, because me getting help will make him win custody(still at that point too) and if he doesn't, his mom will call CPS on me everyday until they take the kids from me. I'm exhausted right now, mentally, physically, emotionally. I'm done, I'm spent. but I have to keep the fight in me, because otherwise it's just going to continue.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
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Wow, he sure talks big. First of all, going to Al-anon isn't going to look bad for you, but it might for him. Also, he's the one who was arrested for driving drunk. So far as his mom calling CPS every day, she might not be willing to do that, but even if she did, CPS knows all about people who call them for no reason other than to harass someone. In other words, he's just trying to scare you. He'll find out soon enough that he's not as powerful as he thinks.
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