transformyself

AH has really increased his drinking. Today for the first time in a long time, I really wanted to help him.

He's saturated with booze all of the time. I took him to work this morning and he reeked at 8am, from drinking last night. He apologized for the texts he sent last night (they made absolutely no sense, except for the ones about how beautiful I am) and said, "I'm just lonely."

I froze in my seat. It was a fascinating moment for me, looking back. In about 3 minutes, I cycled through this process:

Oh Good! He loves me! He wants to come home! (3 seconds)
Oh God! He'll find someone else and do all the things with her that I want him to do with our family. (2 seconds)
Wait a MINUTE. He's already done that. And he's lonely because of all the drinking he's doing, which you have no control over and can't do a thing about..it's his choice to live this way... And i DON'T FREAKING WANT HIM TO COME HOME OR LIVE WITH HIM. That's MY choice.. remember...(Long deep breath. Two long deep breaths.)
Just be still Transform. Don't say a word. Just let all of this go through you. You are fine right here, right where you are. Let him have his thoughts and issues, they are not yours..you have grocery shopping to do when you drop him off and need to get that buffalo meat out to Ed and...


So this was a bizarre experience for me because for years I would rescue, try to help him, try to jump in and offer solutions. Now it's all on him. I think that's why he's drinking so massively. I'm not there to (try to) stop him, or blame. I don't offer my opinion, I refuse to be a part of this process for him, except for placing and holding boundaries.

The strangest part is how quickly I caught myself and moved right out of it and got on with me day. I mean this stuff RULED MY LIFE, people. My obsession with him, everything about him ruled my life.

Now, the kids are in bed and I'm worried about him. He doesn't look good. I've told him he can't see the kids unless he comes over here and is sober. He quietly accepted that, he's a beaten man right now.

The worst part is wishing he would either die or get sober. And soon. This disease is so brutal..

I was beside myself really, after dropping him off. I was scared, how on earth am I going to get my work done when I have them 24/7? And I have to make more money, work more! And they've been fighting, recreating the things they saw AH and I do when we lived together. It's been horrible for me to watch.

So I took my kids to see our Elder. He's a medicine man lives about 45 minutes away. We brought him meat. He gave us coffee and we sat at his table and laughed and laughed. He told me not to worry about them fighting so much. "They're getting it out of the way for the holidays," he said. "So they can be good with all that company that's coming. Besides, they're brothers."

He said this with a wink to them, and I was confused at first but now I know what he was doing. He was giving them an out. He knew I'd lectured them plenty, we talked about it on the phone. And he planted the right thing in their minds. I was talk talk talking about boundaries and expectations. They'd heard enough. He gave them an out, and an expectation they can achieve, being good when the company comes over.

He's brilliant. And 30 years sober. And he's a therapist. And he can call the Thunder Beings. And can talk about farts and poop with my boys until they're all rolling on the ground laughing. "That's the best medicine," Ed says. I think he's right.

Freedom1990

I'm sorry for your pain, Transform. This disease is brutal.

I consider myself blessed that I didn't have any children with my EXAH because once I walked away, it was over, no ties.

I didn't have to watch his health deteriorate as the AIDS finally started winning.

I didn't have to stand at his graveside. His second wife did that.

I think you handled it very well.

Thumper

You are doing so well. What a gift your Elder is to your boys. I'm glad you have that resource.

The holidays seem to make things hard on everyone (us and the alcoholics) and I suppose just because we finally figure out what to do, doesn't make it easy or not necessary. I wish it kind of worked like that though. I wish it was easier .

HealingWillCome

I love Elders.

Thanks for sharing this with us, even though I know it's a difficult time for you. Your sharing helps me. Gives me strength because I have similar 5-second cycles of thoughts containing fantasy versus reality.

I think you're doing remarkably well. I'm sorry for the position you're in with AH and his current stage of this ugly illness we call alcoholism. I haven't been there, so I can't offer any wisdom through experience, but I can offer prayers. You, AH, and your sons have mine.

LaTeeDa

I have to agree with you that it is incredibly painful to watch my children reenact the dysfunctional relationship they watched between me and their father.

Right now, my son (13) is going through a period of trying to control his sister (18). When I see him speaking to her and relating to her the same way I once spoke to and related to their father, I can't help but cringe. Fortunately, she is getting to a point where she doesn't "do the dance" with him anymore. This gives me hope that with age and experience, the trauma of their childhood will diminish in power. When she refuses to play the game, he usually stops.

I sometimes wish I could go back and do it over in regards to the example I set for them. But, I know the best I can do is set a different example now. And, absolutely, laughter helps.

L

freefalling

So very true. it does not become easier in an instant.

Hugs

transformyself

Thanks everyone.

This is fantastic, thanks LTD. I wish I could help my littlest guy overcome all of his fear and anger. First step, I think, is keep him away from his dad when he's drinking.

i haven't figured out what to say to them yet about not going to their dads anymore. There is an alateen meeting here on Sundays, I'll take my nearly 13 year old there in a week. I don't think my 9 year old can go, but I'll ask. He may be able to go and just sit with his brother.

As I think about it, about Thumpers wish for me that it were easier, I have to make the call that detaching with love IS easier than doing the dance with an A. It's still hard, and I think more sad. At least I'm feeling the sadness rather than denying it away or keeping busy or making chaos to keep from feeling the sadness.

But no, this isn't easy.

He often talks about how drinking and smoking is killing him, often says he's going to sober up. And tries for a few days, but then just goes back to drinking. And right now I know he's drinking massively. I just can't wrap my brain around it you guys. It's so gross. It's so debilitating. It's like intentionally making yourself ********. What the hell is wrong with him? He's about to not be able to see his children, and believe me he loves those guys. next to drinking, they are the most important thing on the planet for him.

I can't imagine the pain he's in. If I have one or two drinks, I'm depressed as hell the next day. Imagine what it feels like to have booze in your body in huge amounts long term. It's got to be jacking his whole system up.

LaTeeDa

Truth is always the best approach. Tell them the truth--that you are protecting them and keeping them as safe as you can. That their dad loves them, but is sick. His sickness is interfering with his judgment and ability to keep them safe.

I wish I could help my son overcome his fear and anger, too. I see it daily, and it's obvious to me if not to him. I encourage him to express his feelings, while not taking responsibility for them. Sometimes I remind him that it is okay to be angry over <whatever>, but it's his choice to stew in it and let it ruin his day. I have much doubt that my message is getting through, but I still say it once and let it go. It's like planting seeds. Most of them don't sprout, but once in awhile, there is one that makes it. Adolescent hormones block most of them, though, lol.

I also try to encourage the things that he thrives on. His creativity--he's played trumpet in the band for almost five years. He downplays the accomplishment, but I know it makes him feel good to be recognized.

L

Phoenixthebird

transformyself thank you for your thread! What a blessing it must be to have your friend, your Elder, in your life! It's a shame he can't just duplicate himself!
It would be GREAT to have him in your home and mine!

You are a shining star of what working our steps in recovery can accomplish!

Learn2Live

Same thing that's wrong with me.

transformyself

Um, no. Are you intentionally making yourself ********? Answer: no. You are maintaining sobriety and working on yourself. He's just trying to work on himself while saturating himself with booze. It's like clamping a ball and chain onto your ankle and trying to run.

Learn2Live

Me and cigarettes