Need advice on helping a friend
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2
Need advice on helping a friend
My family and I are currently in a predicament on how exactly to proceed with our addict. The person in question was a very dear high school friend for both my wife and myself. Since high school, she has been in and out of jail, been to prison once, and has a new address every few months. She has been on and off the wagon more times that we can count and has been kicked out of rehab several times as well. Apparently last week she also tried and failed to commit suicide. She is at the edge right now.
Last night, my wife got a call from her. She was noticeably upset and crying, stating repeatedly that she wants to change and just doesn't know how. She sees us and our happy lives and thinks that she'll never get it and it's killing her. My wife and I know this, and so offered to get her out of her current situation. We don't want her to die because of stupid drugs!
We have offered her a room to sleep in and a bed and a to help her get a job and a ride to work every day with the understanding that if she screws up, she WILL NOT get a second chance from us. We have children in the house and they are the priority. In our heads, she would be under constant surveillance and would have little in the way of freedom. She would only go out with one of us and would not have money unless we gave it to her. She WOULD get a job and she WOULD help pay the bills around the house while saving up to get her own place.
This all seems good in our heads (She has yet to agree to this and still has to talk to her parole officer) but we've never been through this before. Are we doing the right thing here? Any advice to offer us? We understand that she will try to lie cheat and steal to get a fix and we're prepared to deal with that. We just want to make sure we're not making a mistake or enabling her in any way. Our biggest priority is to get her out of her current living situation.
Any advice is very much appreciated!
Thank you
Anon in AR
Last night, my wife got a call from her. She was noticeably upset and crying, stating repeatedly that she wants to change and just doesn't know how. She sees us and our happy lives and thinks that she'll never get it and it's killing her. My wife and I know this, and so offered to get her out of her current situation. We don't want her to die because of stupid drugs!
We have offered her a room to sleep in and a bed and a to help her get a job and a ride to work every day with the understanding that if she screws up, she WILL NOT get a second chance from us. We have children in the house and they are the priority. In our heads, she would be under constant surveillance and would have little in the way of freedom. She would only go out with one of us and would not have money unless we gave it to her. She WOULD get a job and she WOULD help pay the bills around the house while saving up to get her own place.
This all seems good in our heads (She has yet to agree to this and still has to talk to her parole officer) but we've never been through this before. Are we doing the right thing here? Any advice to offer us? We understand that she will try to lie cheat and steal to get a fix and we're prepared to deal with that. We just want to make sure we're not making a mistake or enabling her in any way. Our biggest priority is to get her out of her current living situation.
Any advice is very much appreciated!
Thank you
Anon in AR
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
*gulps* I am so sorry to say this...I have been there and done that...they LIE, they STEAL, they MANIPULATE you, and give ULTIMATUMS and even BLAME everything on you...she needs to hit her own rock bottom...dunno when that will be or how that will be...she needs detox right now...and your not helping her any...
she needs to do for HERSELF...this is her responsiblity...give her the tools....detox, AA..doctor...whatever
and for you ...get to Nar Anon or Al Anon(all of you)...i am sorry but i can not believe you're taking her in when you know nothing of this PAINFULL disease...
I dont know if i am being to harsh or not...but if you take her in...its gonna be HELL...and my life is not worth that...
maybe others here can tell you....someone? anyone?
she needs to do for HERSELF...this is her responsiblity...give her the tools....detox, AA..doctor...whatever
and for you ...get to Nar Anon or Al Anon(all of you)...i am sorry but i can not believe you're taking her in when you know nothing of this PAINFULL disease...
I dont know if i am being to harsh or not...but if you take her in...its gonna be HELL...and my life is not worth that...
maybe others here can tell you....someone? anyone?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
If she's been kicked out of rehab several times, there was a reason for that.
I've found that my own personal residence is best not used as a halfway house/rehab center/sober living facility for anyone, including my own addicted daughter.
It took less than a month for her to turn my house upside down when I made the mistake of taking her in temporarily.
Mind you, I myself am an addict/alcoholic in long term recovery, and I will never make that mistake again.
My personal opinion is you have no comprehension what kind of insanity you are inviting into your home.
There are professionals much more qualified to help her than you are.
The same goes for my own daughter. She's no longer welcome in my home, period.
I hope you will seriously reconsider your offer to her, if not for your sake, for the sake of your children.
I've found that my own personal residence is best not used as a halfway house/rehab center/sober living facility for anyone, including my own addicted daughter.
It took less than a month for her to turn my house upside down when I made the mistake of taking her in temporarily.
Mind you, I myself am an addict/alcoholic in long term recovery, and I will never make that mistake again.
My personal opinion is you have no comprehension what kind of insanity you are inviting into your home.
There are professionals much more qualified to help her than you are.
The same goes for my own daughter. She's no longer welcome in my home, period.
I hope you will seriously reconsider your offer to her, if not for your sake, for the sake of your children.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
There is help out there, professional help but she is not willing yet to follow the rules of a program. She will definately NOT be able to follow your rules. It IS inviting some serious chaos into your home and a home with kids no less. NOT something I'd ever do. Not with someone who cannot seem to figure it out on their own especially.
Rehab programs take in people like her every day. She was kicked out because SHE isn't willing yet to commit to staying clean/sober. If they as professionals can't reach her, then there is no way you will be able to either. It isn't just about having a nice place to live to make someone want to turn their life around. If you really want to be supportive, point her in the direction of people who can help her turn her life around. If being nice people was all it took for someone to commit to recovery then none of us would be here posting.
You probably are on a long list of great people that have tried to help her. I don't think you have any idea what you are signing up for and you should really peek around the SR forums to get a better idea of what you are walking into. I usually am not this harsh but because there are children in your home, I'd really think twice about what you want to to do for this friend. Sounds like a very unstable person, not only just an addict, but someone who has way more issues than just trying to stay sober. Again, there were reasons she was kicked out of other programs.
Rehab programs take in people like her every day. She was kicked out because SHE isn't willing yet to commit to staying clean/sober. If they as professionals can't reach her, then there is no way you will be able to either. It isn't just about having a nice place to live to make someone want to turn their life around. If you really want to be supportive, point her in the direction of people who can help her turn her life around. If being nice people was all it took for someone to commit to recovery then none of us would be here posting.
You probably are on a long list of great people that have tried to help her. I don't think you have any idea what you are signing up for and you should really peek around the SR forums to get a better idea of what you are walking into. I usually am not this harsh but because there are children in your home, I'd really think twice about what you want to to do for this friend. Sounds like a very unstable person, not only just an addict, but someone who has way more issues than just trying to stay sober. Again, there were reasons she was kicked out of other programs.
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Unfortunately, keeping her under lock and key and being her babysitter probably isn't going to be the way to staying clean and sober...She has to want it, and want it so desperately that she can fight the demons when her need for a fix is screaming so loud that she can not hear anything rational.
It has been my experience that when I thought I was helping by providing a safe place for my addicted love one to work on getting clean, and when I watched and nagged, and coddled and watched and nagged some more, the only thing I did was make myself sick. If I could do it over, my support would have been from a distance as I gave her the respect and dignity to find her way on her own.
I know your concern is to get her out of her current living situation, but there are halfway houses and sober living where people who have experience themselves can help her help herself. Generally having children and an active addict under the same roof is not something you will find many folks here encouraging. I know your solution sounds good on paper, but the reality is that she is an active addict and could place you and your children in danger.
As far as enabling, I found for me that I was enabling when I did things for my daughter that she could do for herself, when I monitored everything to try to control her using and when I gave her a safe, warm place to stay without having to face the consequences of her addiction.
Keep reading and posting. Glad you found SR!
It has been my experience that when I thought I was helping by providing a safe place for my addicted love one to work on getting clean, and when I watched and nagged, and coddled and watched and nagged some more, the only thing I did was make myself sick. If I could do it over, my support would have been from a distance as I gave her the respect and dignity to find her way on her own.
I know your concern is to get her out of her current living situation, but there are halfway houses and sober living where people who have experience themselves can help her help herself. Generally having children and an active addict under the same roof is not something you will find many folks here encouraging. I know your solution sounds good on paper, but the reality is that she is an active addict and could place you and your children in danger.
As far as enabling, I found for me that I was enabling when I did things for my daughter that she could do for herself, when I monitored everything to try to control her using and when I gave her a safe, warm place to stay without having to face the consequences of her addiction.
Keep reading and posting. Glad you found SR!
2nd chance at a 1st cl*** life
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: San Jose, Ca
Posts: 492
I know she is a friend but I would not trust her in my home, especially around my kids. Like mentioned above we addicts lie, steal, cheat and manipulate people for a living. We're pros at it. She has to hit her bottom and help herself. If she's getting kicked out of rehabs and halfway houses its not for good behavior. She has to help herself in order to get help. I know its hard and you want to help, but all you would be doing is enabling her. I understand she says she wants to change and she really may want to. But to put your home and family at risk should not be an option.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2
Thank you everyone for your insight in to our current predicament. I do genuinely appreciate it. Now, to go back to my original post and correct a few things - We are NOT offering her a place to live for any serious length of time. We are offering her a place to live until she can get in to rehab here. I understand that the person has to want to change in order for change to take place. We are not trying to force her to do anything. All we are trying to do is eliminate her tempting friends from her current location and get her to a place where she doesn't know anyone. She has so far declined the offer, stating that she doesn't want to put us through anything and that an addict will lie as much as it takes to get a fix. I am the one that is nervous about the situation, not my wife.
I agreed to allow her to stay here very temporarily, but also laid down the law that I will not hesitate to boot her ass out if anything happens that should not be happening. In my eyes, we are simply offering our ears to listen to her and give her the motivation to help her through the program. If she wants things from us (Shelter, food, a ride to work, whatever) she will be paying for it. Nothing will come free.
Like I said - I am nervous about the situation. Not because I worry about what she might do to us, but because I worry that if she fails, my wife and I will have drama about giving her the boot. But at the same time, I want to offer anything I can to help my friend recover from her addiction. She WANTS to change. And in my eyes, her suicide attempt is near rock bottom.
I do appreciate your advice, and I'm not looking for validation on the matter. I am simply trying to find out what will be best for my family and my friend. There is no way that she stands a chance, ever, when her "friends" are shoving pills down her throat. In my mind, I want to offer her a clean slate to start the recovery over. In a new facility with new people and new reasons to get cleaned up (Being auntie to our child and our other friend's child). I don't want to endanger anyone or make the situation any worse, but I also don't feel that leaving her in her current situation is the right thing to do.
So conflicted.....
I agreed to allow her to stay here very temporarily, but also laid down the law that I will not hesitate to boot her ass out if anything happens that should not be happening. In my eyes, we are simply offering our ears to listen to her and give her the motivation to help her through the program. If she wants things from us (Shelter, food, a ride to work, whatever) she will be paying for it. Nothing will come free.
Like I said - I am nervous about the situation. Not because I worry about what she might do to us, but because I worry that if she fails, my wife and I will have drama about giving her the boot. But at the same time, I want to offer anything I can to help my friend recover from her addiction. She WANTS to change. And in my eyes, her suicide attempt is near rock bottom.
I do appreciate your advice, and I'm not looking for validation on the matter. I am simply trying to find out what will be best for my family and my friend. There is no way that she stands a chance, ever, when her "friends" are shoving pills down her throat. In my mind, I want to offer her a clean slate to start the recovery over. In a new facility with new people and new reasons to get cleaned up (Being auntie to our child and our other friend's child). I don't want to endanger anyone or make the situation any worse, but I also don't feel that leaving her in her current situation is the right thing to do.
So conflicted.....
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome to SR........there are many people here who have been dealing with addicted loved ones for a very long time and hopefully you'll find some answers here to help you with your dear addicted friend.
It's not unusual to be conflicted when trying to ride the balance between helping a person in or toward recovery and enabling them in their disease. Sometimes it's very difficult to see which it is we are doing.
We all have to make decisions regarding how we are going to deal with our addicted loved ones. And we make mistakes and we learn from them. I can't tell you if you're making a mistake......only time will really tell that tale and you will have to either rejoice if it is a good decision or deal with it if it is a bad one.
The reason that so many here are concerned about what you are considering is because many of us have done it.....several times.....and we have seen the result time and again. There's always that hope that "this time" the addict will really mean it and want help. We come to accept that we can't cure or control them. And it's absolute hell to watch someone you love self destruct.
Of course you need to do what you can live with.......and I'll say this as gently as I can. You are making this decision for your children too. There have been many times that I would not want my grandson to see his Daddy and I would protect him from being exposed to the adventures of an active addict.
Proceed with extreme caution. Addicts don't come with warning labels.
gentle hugs
It's not unusual to be conflicted when trying to ride the balance between helping a person in or toward recovery and enabling them in their disease. Sometimes it's very difficult to see which it is we are doing.
We all have to make decisions regarding how we are going to deal with our addicted loved ones. And we make mistakes and we learn from them. I can't tell you if you're making a mistake......only time will really tell that tale and you will have to either rejoice if it is a good decision or deal with it if it is a bad one.
The reason that so many here are concerned about what you are considering is because many of us have done it.....several times.....and we have seen the result time and again. There's always that hope that "this time" the addict will really mean it and want help. We come to accept that we can't cure or control them. And it's absolute hell to watch someone you love self destruct.
Of course you need to do what you can live with.......and I'll say this as gently as I can. You are making this decision for your children too. There have been many times that I would not want my grandson to see his Daddy and I would protect him from being exposed to the adventures of an active addict.
Proceed with extreme caution. Addicts don't come with warning labels.
gentle hugs
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Hope Land
Posts: 666
Welcome to SR, glad you found us!
You and your wife are not really in any perdicament, this is not your responsiblity to take on. I am not sure of how you are thinking you can convince her to start a clean slate on going into a knew rehab. I think maybe you are thinking if she just comes and stays for a few days at your home it will be enough to make her come to her senses and get some help. Believe me and the others if this were an option many of us would not be here.
Addicts are very manipulative and great story tellers, I am sorry to tell you but she is already started her manipulation with you and your wife. Calling crying, telling you she wants a life like your, she is realing you in. Your friend needs help, we are not trained in this field, she is very sick and I don't think the two of you really realize how sick she is. She has been sick for so long that there is no way she is capable of going out and getting a job at this point. She FIRST has to go through recovery and this can take sometime, maybe years. You just can't take an addict into your home for a week and let them live like you and think they are better able to funtion in the real world. They have lived their lives like this for so long. You have no idea what type of medical attention she is need of, having someone detox off drugs or alchol can be very serious and dangerous, there are facilities for this, where there is always a Dr. or Nurse to monitor them day and night.
Should you decide on bringing her to your home, make sure your wife never leaves her purse out or leave your wallet in sight, any money has to be very well hidden, including your childrens piggy banks, blank checks, car keys. I know it sounds harsh, but many of us here have had our own flesh and blood rob us.
I really encourage you and your wife to read everything you can get your hands on about addiction and addicts and I think you both might have a different view on bringing someone in to your home and subjecting your children to it. There are many other ways you can support should she choose to get help. She is fooling you about saying she doesn't know how or where to get help. Help is out there when they are ready for it. We have all heard that line a time or two.
Rose
You and your wife are not really in any perdicament, this is not your responsiblity to take on. I am not sure of how you are thinking you can convince her to start a clean slate on going into a knew rehab. I think maybe you are thinking if she just comes and stays for a few days at your home it will be enough to make her come to her senses and get some help. Believe me and the others if this were an option many of us would not be here.
Addicts are very manipulative and great story tellers, I am sorry to tell you but she is already started her manipulation with you and your wife. Calling crying, telling you she wants a life like your, she is realing you in. Your friend needs help, we are not trained in this field, she is very sick and I don't think the two of you really realize how sick she is. She has been sick for so long that there is no way she is capable of going out and getting a job at this point. She FIRST has to go through recovery and this can take sometime, maybe years. You just can't take an addict into your home for a week and let them live like you and think they are better able to funtion in the real world. They have lived their lives like this for so long. You have no idea what type of medical attention she is need of, having someone detox off drugs or alchol can be very serious and dangerous, there are facilities for this, where there is always a Dr. or Nurse to monitor them day and night.
Should you decide on bringing her to your home, make sure your wife never leaves her purse out or leave your wallet in sight, any money has to be very well hidden, including your childrens piggy banks, blank checks, car keys. I know it sounds harsh, but many of us here have had our own flesh and blood rob us.
I really encourage you and your wife to read everything you can get your hands on about addiction and addicts and I think you both might have a different view on bringing someone in to your home and subjecting your children to it. There are many other ways you can support should she choose to get help. She is fooling you about saying she doesn't know how or where to get help. Help is out there when they are ready for it. We have all heard that line a time or two.
Rose
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: WA
Posts: 124
Many of us have refused to let our OWN CHILDREN stay in our homes because of the lies, theft, the danger to belongings or ourselves, never mind the emotional toll it takes 'babysitting' and sleeping with one eye open.
My daughter stole my debit card and cash out of my purse while I was in the room with her. I have no idea how or when, but it happened. (There are other things missing, also.) I KNOW HER and her actions and thought I would be able to watch her 24/7...
It's emotionally draining at the very least and absolutely crazy-making at the worst. Resentment and anger build and you start to loathe not only the addict but yourself for feeling the need to 'save' them.
Add to that the things they may bring in with them, putting your safety, home, and maybe even freedom at risk - our daughter did drugs in the downstairs bathroom and we didn't realize it until after she left and we found all sorts of things. AND THIS WAS WITH KEEPING AN EYE ON HER ALL THE TIME.
They are extremely sneaky and calculating. They know how to work on your guilt and compassion and count on the fact that you are a caring, loving fellow human who doesn't want anyone to suffer.
Once they are in the house it can be a nightmare to get them out.
Sound bitter? I try not to be. But it's hard.
I told another poster here one time that I would give anything for my addict to NOT be my child. ANY OTHER ADDICT would never, ever, ever get into my life and heart, my home, or even my car. Dealing with an addicted person, and knowing what I know now, anybody other than my child?... I would run as far and as fast as possible from them and their drama.
My daughter stole my debit card and cash out of my purse while I was in the room with her. I have no idea how or when, but it happened. (There are other things missing, also.) I KNOW HER and her actions and thought I would be able to watch her 24/7...
It's emotionally draining at the very least and absolutely crazy-making at the worst. Resentment and anger build and you start to loathe not only the addict but yourself for feeling the need to 'save' them.
Add to that the things they may bring in with them, putting your safety, home, and maybe even freedom at risk - our daughter did drugs in the downstairs bathroom and we didn't realize it until after she left and we found all sorts of things. AND THIS WAS WITH KEEPING AN EYE ON HER ALL THE TIME.
They are extremely sneaky and calculating. They know how to work on your guilt and compassion and count on the fact that you are a caring, loving fellow human who doesn't want anyone to suffer.
Once they are in the house it can be a nightmare to get them out.
Sound bitter? I try not to be. But it's hard.
I told another poster here one time that I would give anything for my addict to NOT be my child. ANY OTHER ADDICT would never, ever, ever get into my life and heart, my home, or even my car. Dealing with an addicted person, and knowing what I know now, anybody other than my child?... I would run as far and as fast as possible from them and their drama.
Nazarite
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Texas
Posts: 20
Originally Posted by anoninarkansas 
Thank you everyone for your insight in to our current predicament. I do genuinely appreciate it. Now, to go back to my original post and correct a few things - We are NOT offering her a place to live for any serious length of time. We are offering her a place to live until she can get in to rehab here. I understand that the person has to want to change in order for change to take place. We are not trying to force her to do anything. All we are trying to do is eliminate her tempting friends from her current location and get her to a place where she doesn't know anyone. She has so far declined the offer, stating that she doesn't want to put us through anything and that an addict will lie as much as it takes to get a fix. I am the one that is nervous about the situation, not my wife.
I agreed to allow her to stay here very temporarily, but also laid down the law that I will not hesitate to boot her ass out if anything happens that should not be happening. In my eyes, we are simply offering our ears to listen to her and give her the motivation to help her through the program. If she wants things from us (Shelter, food, a ride to work, whatever) she will be paying for it. Nothing will come free.
Like I said - I am nervous about the situation. Not because I worry about what she might do to us, but because I worry that if she fails, my wife and I will have drama about giving her the boot. But at the same time, I want to offer anything I can to help my friend recover from her addiction. She WANTS to change. And in my eyes, her suicide attempt is near rock bottom.
I do appreciate your advice, and I'm not looking for validation on the matter. I am simply trying to find out what will be best for my family and my friend. There is no way that she stands a chance, ever, when her "friends" are shoving pills down her throat. In my mind, I want to offer her a clean slate to start the recovery over. In a new facility with new people and new reasons to get cleaned up (Being auntie to our child and our other friend's child). I don't want to endanger anyone or make the situation any worse, but I also don't feel that leaving her in her current situation is the right thing to do.
So conflicted.....
I agreed to allow her to stay here very temporarily, but also laid down the law that I will not hesitate to boot her ass out if anything happens that should not be happening. In my eyes, we are simply offering our ears to listen to her and give her the motivation to help her through the program. If she wants things from us (Shelter, food, a ride to work, whatever) she will be paying for it. Nothing will come free.
Like I said - I am nervous about the situation. Not because I worry about what she might do to us, but because I worry that if she fails, my wife and I will have drama about giving her the boot. But at the same time, I want to offer anything I can to help my friend recover from her addiction. She WANTS to change. And in my eyes, her suicide attempt is near rock bottom.
I do appreciate your advice, and I'm not looking for validation on the matter. I am simply trying to find out what will be best for my family and my friend. There is no way that she stands a chance, ever, when her "friends" are shoving pills down her throat. In my mind, I want to offer her a clean slate to start the recovery over. In a new facility with new people and new reasons to get cleaned up (Being auntie to our child and our other friend's child). I don't want to endanger anyone or make the situation any worse, but I also don't feel that leaving her in her current situation is the right thing to do.
So conflicted.....
I would pray over my house and my family before I "welcomed' any spirits into it. I think what you're doing is good though. Everyone on here knows from experience what it takes, and they all say it's the "want" to change. She might get a dose of that being around you guys, and seeing a chance of hope that she can be like that. You're right when you say they can not change when they're surrounded by the addiction. If it's just a temporary fix until she gets hooked up with a rehab center, I think you'll be fine. Just keep your pimp hand strong homie. No letups.
And most importantly. Nothing is stronger than the Holy Spirit. Leave an open Bible by her door. Preferably opened to your favorite scripture.
God Bless.
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