Kassie2

I have had one of the worst holidays and the AH wasn't there. I start with that one b/c I think we all have this fantasy that once the A is out of our lives all else will fall into place.

I hesitated posting what I need to say and ask for esh. I was looking forward to four days off from work - one to enjoy dinner and a movie with my kids. One for shopping with my daughter. One to decorate for the next one. This has always been the plan in prior years. (Even with the AH, this all got done despite the chaos to my surprise.)

First I learn that the kids decided to spend it elsewhere without consulting me in advance. (Just abandon me while I get a D and have no other family) My daughter calls to let me know she will be home Tuesday nite so we can have some time together then and all day Wed.(forgetting I work that day and she goes to church at night) So I figure we can have some dinner and shopping Tues./ breakfast Thanksgiving Day before she and brother leave. Tues I learn she has a class untit 7pm and then has something to do at the church until 8:30 and then promised to take a classmate for errands after that. Then find out she is leaving Wed afternoon.

Thks dinner with me is postponed until Fri nite. But wait there is more.... daughter asks if we can decorate for Christmas... I ask her when does she plan to make time for this? She works Sat and spends all day at church Sun and then goes back. Meanwhile son is working Thanksg Day, driving out of town, coming back and working the rest of the weekend. So dinner is about all he can do.

So I am not a happy camper - all this time and no one has time for me. But there is more... daughter becomes upset that I don't want to decorate for the holidays.... even more... complains that she just wants to be happy and it never is here...

So... I explain what my original plan was... what it has always been only this year minus the chaos and how she had made other plans. I have four days to do things and she is giving me one day. She stomps off.

Thanksgiving Day neither one calls. Mind you they always called their father from my house on holidays. And I had to deal with the dissappointment when they couldn't reach him. They come home in the middle of the night. My son suggests that we can decorate after dinner. My daughter wants to shop all day. I am now overwhelmed - they expect to do everything in one day.

We shopped and had dinner. Son decides he is overwhelmed from working and has to get up in the morning and leaves. Daughter and I watch movies - no mention of decorating. Next day, she comes home from work and wants to shop more and then decorate. It is now 7pm. Is she kidding? So she gets angry with me again and runs out.

I am feeling hurt and alone. I have been the one here running the ship for the past 10 years - much of it alone. I lost my family and friends (most through natural means) I have been responsible and provided everything for them as best I could. If I am not happy - it is b/c of things like this - I am not an unhappy person by nature. But this all seems out of the blue for me and I am tired - don't understand why this is happening to me - and don't feel I deserve it.

I want to talk to my children about how I feel and hope to come to some understanding about both sides, but not sure if it is a good idea. Their father was not A but abusive/neglectful- but better now. My current STBXAH has only been in our lives 4 yrs but out of the home for two of them. My children are 20 and 23 - youngest with me.

Learn2Live

Aw Kassie, I am sorry

What comes to mind when reading your post for me was: Everybody is trying to get their needs met and it is so very difficult to do, especially when trying to coordinate. If they were little it would be easier because they would not have so much of their own activities going on. But, alas, they are adults with their own wants, needs and expectations. It sounds like things have changed in your household and change is always difficult. Whenever I go through changes in life like this I try to surround myself as much as possible with those things familiar to me and try to keep my normal, daily routines up.

I have had so many wants, dreams and desires that center around the holidays and having holidays that are heart-warming and nice, but I have never in all these years achieved it. It was always emotionally devastating for me. So at some point, I honestly had to re-evaluate my wants and the sacrifices I have made in order to achieve those wants, and determine whether or not those wants and sacrifices were getting me anywhere. I found that they weren't and, in fact, were bringing me mostly just depression and sadness and an unhealthy longing for what I thought everyone else had.

So I had to look at what was driving those wants and causing me to sacrifice so much for little in return by way of getting my expectations met. And what I found was that behind all those feelings was a picture-perfect Thanksgiving and a picture-perfect Christmas, where I made sure that everyone ELSE was happy. But I did not know what TRULY would bring ME happiness. I can assure it has never been a great or expensive gift that would have brought me happiness. I started to understand the power of the Normal Rockwell picture of everyday life in America to create our wants and desires. And I gave all that up and over to God as I understand Him. It has worked for me. I can now have holidays where I focus on what is going to make me comfortable, and not go out of my way to accomodate others. It sounds selfish but I no longer have all the pain and disappointment I had for all those years.

I'm not sure anything I have said here would be helpful to you but hopefully something small I've said is. Take good care of yourself. Focus on your comfort and having your environment just as you like it. BIG (((hugs)))) :ghug3

JenT1968

sorry you had a duff time.

sounds like everyone had reaally high and specific expectations of the holidays, but no-one sat down to discuss it all in advance enough to come to workable compromise taht you could all agree.

I know when I was a late teen, early 20-something, I really didn't understand my parent's need to plan stuff, I mean how could I know what I would want to do on tuesday morning in a week's time? and I thought that they would be at home ready to do family stuff when I was ready to do it, I didn't appreciate they had schedules and things they needed and wanted to do as well. MY outlook was still pretty much that they were there ro fulfil my needs, steady, dependable. selfish? oh yes, but normal.

I feel differently now, there are things I still do feel though, my mother expects things but doesn't communicate them, so we end up dancing around trying to guess what she will be happy/unhappy about, and always somehow getting it wrong. If she straight out said what she wanted it would be much easier, and she'd get her needs met better, we don't want to hurt her but we aren't psychic. On the other hand much as I now understand she does not exist to meet my needs, I don't exist to meet hers either.

decorating the tree etc at 7pm? to me that would be fine, which just goes to show that what is acceptable changes very much person by person, so communication is really key!

brokenheartfool

Perhaps there's another kind of detachment with love, which is that young 20-year-olds usually have an agenda that is too full, and too much of wanting to meet mom's expectations yet their hearts sometimes being elsewhere.
I have a 20 something year old myself. When she sees fit, she calls. If there are periods of silence, I think nothing of them. I know I'm not her top priority, and why should I be? I'm just her mom! But, should she need me, or seek my ear, I will be there. I aspire to be the quiet rock of gibralter...strong and steady and always ready should I be needed or wanted.
I remember being 20-something. Mom was near last on my list. I take comfort in knowing that my daughter knows that should she need me, or should she want me, she can rely and depend on me to be there and follow through.
That must be comforting to her, yes?
If I can be that quiet rock of gibralter in the background of her life, then I am satisfied.
I gave her wings. Now let her fly, knowing that the nest is still there should she seek shelter.
Perhaps I ask too little. IDK...she's a busy young woman. But when she did call me last week and wore out my telephone ear venting about her bf, I was there. She reached out, I met her need. She called her mom. She certainly didn't have to share all that with me. She has plenty of gf's. But she chose to seek my thoughts and advice. I feel good about that.

Learn2Live

I'd just like to say WOW BrokenHeartFool! WOW! This is an awesome post.

JenT1968

ooh yes bf, I hope I can be you when mine are older.

LaTeeDa

I spent many years trying to create the perfect holidays. They always came close, but still fell short. Then, I hung on to the resentment and tried even harder the next year. On and on the cycle went.

Like L2L, I had to seriously examine what I was trying to accomplish and why. I put so much pressure on myself and my loved ones, I lost the joy that holidays are really about.

The best gift I ever discovered was the year I decided to relax, lighten up, and go with the flow. I sometimes come up short in the number of fabulous dishes I turn out for Thanksgiving. Some years, the most decorating I can manage is to put up a tree. Some years, I find myself with bountiful energy and do more than I thought possible. Both ways are perfectly fine with me. As long as I remember to give and receive love, nothing else matters.

Maybe try giving yourself (and your children) a break. You can have beautiful holidays without all the pomp and circumstance. Really.

L

Phoenixthebird

Kassie, you wrote "We shopped and had dinner. Son decides he is overwhelmed from working and has to get up in the morning and leaves. Daughter and I watch movies -no mention of decorating. Next day, she comes home from work and wants to shop more and then decorate. It is now 7pm. Is she kidding? So she gets angry with me again and runs out. "
"I want to talk to my children about how I feel and hope to come to some understanding about both sides, but not sure if it is a good idea."

JenT1968 wrote "decorating the tree etc at 7pm? to me that would be fine, which just goes to show that what is acceptable changes very much person by person, so communication is really key!"

Unfortunately what Kassie wrote was decorating the Christmas tree wouldn't happen until, at the best, until about approximately 9:00 that night!

What I view in this interaction is the lack of communication! Kassis, I do believe you do need to discuss your feelings about this interaction with your adult children. If for no other reason than to clear out the air between your children and yourself! This will allow you to express your frustration and not allow it to boil over into unstated resentment. I can tell your adult children are to important to you than let this interaction interfer with your love and care for them, and next time your children will have a better understanding of your expectations of them. Sometimes our adult children need gentle reminders that we, their Mothers, are human beings also!

I definitely got the attention of my adult children last Christmas by doing a "Shock and Aw" and spent Christmas in the ICU. They are already planning on how to have a "BIG" Christmas with me this year!

**********************************

A Mother's Prayer

Help me dear Lord, as a mother, I pray
And bless these hands folded in prayer today;
May they be ever strong as they guide, as they teach,
Beings never too far for a child to reach.
May they never, with selfishness, try to dissuade,
Nor too quickly punish, nor too slowly aid.
May they point out the pleasures in laughter and song,
And may they show, wisely, the right from the wrong,
So that one day I'll know that I've helped all I can
To make her a woman, to make him a man.

fourmaggie

(just did this topic at al anon...)
after all that post L2L, that is what i got...lots of deleting there..(put understood what you where going for..) hope everyone else did...

Kassie2

I kind of feel that I did not communicate as well as I would like... in simple terms I said,

I am going through major life changes.

I am hurt and scared.

Bottom line was wanting my only family to be with for the holiday.

Can't be more basic than that.

LucyA

Aw Kassie, I feel for you, I realy do!
We don't do thanksgiving here but there are other special days where I'dlove my kids to be there. Sometimes they just don't want to be there or get involved. Mine are only 14 15 and 16, but they're growing up, having their own lives and asserting themselves.
Christmas day is a given, they WILL be at my mums for dinner, that's a tradition that goes way back and no one ever argues with it because it's what we all want to do. It's the only time 'the family' is all together and we get less and less every year!

Other times I just know my kids are growing up and will have their own lives, they aren't there to make mine better!
However, once I get to take over the Christmas dinner stuff from my mum if they aren't there for that one day, with or without their own families there wil be trouble!

isurvived

With the closure of the Thanksgiving holiday, this post caught my eye, and I want to add to it.

I too, have had those feelings of being neglected by my sons - not really because they have been neglectful intentionally - but it felt that way to me. I too, "manned the boat" all by myself during the time my AH was here, and since then through some rough waters! I too, felt deserving, and still catch myself feeling that way from time to time.

Both my sons were with me for Thanksgiving... and I soaked them up while we were together. The oldest is 27 and lives near me, and the youngest is away at college (19) and so I hadn't seen him for nearly 4 months.

He was home for 4 days, but not here much of that time - as he was out catching up with friends. That's OK. I too remember what it was like being that age, and yep, my folks were pretty much on the bottom of my priority list. I'm grateful for the time I had with them - and have had times I've felt it difficult to let go and let them fly. I enjoyed being a mom, and really didn't want that job to end. While it has for the most part, I relish the times when they ask for my input, or help.

Over the holiday, my thoughts turned to my XAH as well. Divorced for 4 years, he's totally vanished from our lives. Neither of our sons hear from him. I couldn't help but wonder how that can be... but it is what it is. Something else that makes me grateful for the time and love I have with my sons! I can't imagine what it must be like (putting myself in my XAH's shoes) to have so many regrets, and living with that knowledge, even through the holidays. It has to be awful. It's unbearable for him I am sure, even when he's intoxicated - but that must make it easier for him. He was always one to drink away his sorrows - and now he has more of them to do it for.

As for me, I'm very grateful for all the blessings in my life, and grateful I don't have the regrets. And while I'm feeling a bit neglected at times, it reminds me that I need to continue to make a difference in the lives of others, so that I can continue to grow and be happy.

Count your blessings!

Freedom1990

What are you scared of, hon? I've been through my fair share of fear the last couple of years.

brokenheartfool

My divorce finalized last month. There is a fear of abandonment, and second guessing ourselves.
Who loves us? Who cares enough to be there? What if we get the message that we aren't loved because those kids made other plans? Will the phone ring? Does anybody even give a shyte about me?

Kassie, your kids being busy elsewhere doesn't mean they don't love you. They do!
Maybe next year have a few friends over too for the holiday, just in case your kids try to split the day in two. People who don't have somebody else. I bet a tablefull of people that are alone without relatives would be very very appreciative. You can make a family out of any group of people that you want to! Adopted family.
You could hug your daughter soon and say let's try this again...and bring out the decorations when she's ready.
With 20-something kids, expect the unexpected.
I called my daughter and asked her to spend Thanksgiving with my family. I said did I get to your first? She said no, and she was going to be with her bf's family.
I said, DON'T YOU EVEN FEEL GUILTY FOR NOT SPENDING THANKSGIVING WITH YOUR MOTHER?
NO! She smirked. Not in the least!
I laughed. Good, I said, I did bring you up right.
(No guilt for living her own life).

chicory

Kassie,

it is hard to let go of a marriage, and the holidays make it hurt more, for me anyway.
i felt lonely, sad, and forgotten, when my kids had their own things to do. I needed familiarity and some traditions to comfort me, i thought.

but i found out that it still did not totally take care of the pain inside, only time did that for me.

I got lonely this holiday, and i have been divorced for four years. i see others together, and it makes me feel left out. when my children find it more important to be sure to be at in-laws for the holidays, it hurts, but i realize that they just know that i will understand. they do it for their hubbys, and for the in-laws. they tend to give me the left over time, sometimes. in all fairness, the stress of trying to make plans in the time they give me makes me lose the wind from my sails. i dont feel much like planning anything, when i have to do it in a certain small time frame. i think that i should be more assertive and tell them what i want.
the sad thing is, their in-laws have lovely traditions, that they want to enjoy. we, on the other hand, being not so rolling in dough, never had many traditions, just getting together and enjoying one another. now that they have babies, it is even more crazy, for we all want our time with them. the in-laws invite me, they are great, but i want my own left overs-ha- tho my turkey bombed big time this year!

holidays are crazy , anymore. having two places to go on thanksgiving day is tough for them. i dont like to have to have dinner on the table by noon, in order for them to eat with me and be at in-laws by three!

I will get better hon. it is hard to be alone on a holiday. and by alone, i mean without a partner, to hold your hand, and go places with. i think that is what i hear you saying? even the kids being there, does not fill the need for someone special to hold.
it is hard, but try to keep busy, and hang around here, that is what i do.

hugs honey. i am sorry that your thanksgiving was so disappointing.

hugs,
chicory

Phoenixthebird

*******************************

meditation

My daughter is 19 and things have already changed. She's becoming an adult with her own life. It's time I try to let go and let her have her own traditions. It would be controlling of me to make her be with me every holiday from here on out. I have found that around the holidays in particular that any expectations I have will never be met. I really don't know who has had the Hallmark Holiday. I never in my life have had it all wonderful, someone has always had a temper tantrum and ruined xmas. I kept hoping each one would be the one but now I don't care anymore. The time for Hallmark Holidays are done, and I really don't believe many people have great holidays. It's Hollywood that has great holidays not real people. So lowering what I expect has resulted in fairly decent holidays, I don't expect anything anymore, the tree might not go up and if it does it gets decorated when the whim hits. Holidays are now built with lots of freeform change of plans built in. I don't even mind eating out for Thanksgiving. And I really think if I did not decide to go with whatever plans the holidays bring that I would be OCD about it being all that and a bag of chips.......... I can go OCD real fast. So basically time for new traditions or just hanging out and letting whatever happen happen with me not expecting anybody to be in the picture. I hate expectations, cause they never measure up but the best days are the ones that things just spontaneously evolve.

I am sorry your children did not recognize you were feeling down and maybe a bit lonely and I think it is just the age they are, mine is the same way but I don't know that I'd want her to be 35 years old and living at home, being the spinster daughter so things are as they should be I guess. Hugs for you.

coffeedrinker

kassie




i had breast cancer two years ago. i outright asked people in my circle for their support. it worked beautifully. i actually had more people showing up in my life than i had room for (ask the hospital nurse who had to kick some out!)

my last chemo was in early october of that year. i called my xah and said, "i know it's not my year to do thanksgiving. but i have been through a major ordeal, and if it would be alright with you, can i have the kids this year for t.giving?" he said "yes".

i sent out a mass email to family members. said, "i was thinking about having a 'gratitude party' but i didn't; now i'd like to suggest a mini family reunion. please consider coming to my house the saturday after thanksgiving" 30 people came that day, several from out of town. it's now a tradition, three years strong.

anyway, the point is not "doesn't coffeedrinker have great ideas" but this:

i asked for what i needed. i layed out my hopes and in a lot of instances, was pretty specific. and all those needs i had for love, support and caretaking were met.
what i didn't do, was to hope something would happen, and then create the expectation.


i'm not saying that i think you did anything "wrong"! but i think that a lot of us, a lot of the time, sort of do set up a dissapointment.


it's ok to ask for what we need.
it's actually better than ok.

coffeedrinker

and the grown kid thing? yeah, it stinks. but if we have done our job, they do leave. they stop over from time to time, they still love us, but they move on. (and they're still self-centered for awhile)

Learn2Live

I'm rather ashamed to admit that from the time I graduated high school until I was in my thirties, I hardly paid ANY attention to my mother at all. And if any mother ever sacrificed EVERYTHING for her children, it was my mother. My behavior all those years of absence from her life had nothing to do with my Mom or how much I love her. Not a reflection on her at all.