Please send positive thoughts my way
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 8
Please send positive thoughts my way
I've posted on here a few times in the past. I'll be 33 next month and have been living with my abf for almost 11 years. He doesn't drink every day and can go a few months between binges. But waiting for the next binge has been hell. And he hasn't worked for 6 years. He does receive a small amount of disability money every month, but it's not even enough to cover half the rent. And he is fully capable of working.
We went to visit my family in fl for a week last saturday. I was hoping he would be on his best behavior, but i was stupid to think he was capable of doing that. Because of an argument on tuesday, he called up a friend in tx and they used their frequent flyer miles to book him a flight to go visit them. So my abf left me and my family to go see his friend in tx and he's due back home to nyc tonight.
This was the last straw for me. My family has now been exposed to his selfish and eradict behavior. They didnt tell me how to handle the situation, but the did say if i wanted out of the relationship, that i would have their full financial and emotional support. I am so thankful to be given this gift and opportunity.
So ive been busy arranging a temporary place to live and i may even have my own place in a couple of weeks, which is no easy task in manhattan. I will have all of my personal belongings out of the apartment before abf returns home tonight.
He cannot afford to live here on his own. I know this will spark a binge and I pray to God that it doesnt kill him. How do i get over this guilt of feeling like i'm abandoning him and ruining his life? I went to an alanon meeting last night and plan on continuing to go.
We went to visit my family in fl for a week last saturday. I was hoping he would be on his best behavior, but i was stupid to think he was capable of doing that. Because of an argument on tuesday, he called up a friend in tx and they used their frequent flyer miles to book him a flight to go visit them. So my abf left me and my family to go see his friend in tx and he's due back home to nyc tonight.
This was the last straw for me. My family has now been exposed to his selfish and eradict behavior. They didnt tell me how to handle the situation, but the did say if i wanted out of the relationship, that i would have their full financial and emotional support. I am so thankful to be given this gift and opportunity.
So ive been busy arranging a temporary place to live and i may even have my own place in a couple of weeks, which is no easy task in manhattan. I will have all of my personal belongings out of the apartment before abf returns home tonight.
He cannot afford to live here on his own. I know this will spark a binge and I pray to God that it doesnt kill him. How do i get over this guilt of feeling like i'm abandoning him and ruining his life? I went to an alanon meeting last night and plan on continuing to go.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
You are not responsible for him, there is no reason to feel guilty, he did this to himself. He is an adult, allow him the diginty to grow up and become a responsibie adult. If he chooses not to do this, it is his decision not yours.
You have been supporting him for 6 years, don't you think it is time for you to support you? I do.
This is the right thing for you, and in the end perhaps him too. Your enabling him is not the answer.
Best of luck in your new life! Keep us posted!
Sending support hugs your way!
You have been supporting him for 6 years, don't you think it is time for you to support you? I do.
This is the right thing for you, and in the end perhaps him too. Your enabling him is not the answer.
Best of luck in your new life! Keep us posted!
Sending support hugs your way!
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
How to get rid of the guilt? Try to understand that this person is a GROWN man. Grown men are capable of lots of things, namely EVERYTHING. They can do their own laundry, make their own food, pay their own bills, get their own car, maintain a drivers license, go to work at 6AM and work all day every day, 7 days a week if they have to. They can take their car to the shop, buy groceries, balance a checkbook, go to AA meetings, call the doctor if they need to. They can even get sober on their own.
Have you ever seen such a man? I hadn't -EVER- in 32 years of living on this earth I had never witnessed such a man. Then I met a man who at 25 years old was more responsible and sober than any man I had ever met. And I learned that WOW, men really ARE capable and don't need to be taken care of or catered to.
Every time you feel guilty, remember this, every minute of the day if you have to. HE is responsible for HIM and YOU are responsible for YOU. Keep going to your AlAnon meetings because you will hear it there too. You are going to be OK and I am so glad that your family has the ability to help you out during this time. Keep coming back here too KristMay!
Have you ever seen such a man? I hadn't -EVER- in 32 years of living on this earth I had never witnessed such a man. Then I met a man who at 25 years old was more responsible and sober than any man I had ever met. And I learned that WOW, men really ARE capable and don't need to be taken care of or catered to.
Every time you feel guilty, remember this, every minute of the day if you have to. HE is responsible for HIM and YOU are responsible for YOU. Keep going to your AlAnon meetings because you will hear it there too. You are going to be OK and I am so glad that your family has the ability to help you out during this time. Keep coming back here too KristMay!
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
kristmay
You have a whole heap of positive thoughts and prayers coming your way. You are doing something to change that which you can......and it takes a lot of courage. You are taking your life back.
Alanon will help you to understand that you are getting out of the way of your alcoholic SO's HP's way. You are letting go and that's ok. You've been carrying the weight of two people and that's not a healthy partnership.
I'm so glad that you have the support of your family. I'm so glad that you have the courage to change yourself and your circumstances. You have my prayers and support as you embark on this new chapter in your life.
gentle hugs
You have a whole heap of positive thoughts and prayers coming your way. You are doing something to change that which you can......and it takes a lot of courage. You are taking your life back.
Alanon will help you to understand that you are getting out of the way of your alcoholic SO's HP's way. You are letting go and that's ok. You've been carrying the weight of two people and that's not a healthy partnership.
I'm so glad that you have the support of your family. I'm so glad that you have the courage to change yourself and your circumstances. You have my prayers and support as you embark on this new chapter in your life.
gentle hugs
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 62
Sadly I got a wake up call when AXBF began treating me disrespectfully in front of others. While it was contained between us, I chose to live with the verbal and emotional abuse. It culminated when he behaved unacceptably (i.e. curse words, blaming me for having bagels instead of croissants) in his son's presence, and I responded in in kind. At that point I realized that I was headed down a slippery slope and that I was failing in my responsibility to model healthy communication and respect to a child. In addition to all the other reasons for leaving, looking at myself through the boy's eyes, I felt additional pressure to end this relationship. I'm grateful that through it all, my moral compass was still intact.
As far as your guilt is concerned, I imagine you've been supporting him to a great extent during the last 6 years even though he's been able to work. How guilty has he felt about that? How guilty did he feel for taking off to TX in the midst of a family visit? While two wrongs don't make a right, healthy relationships require mutual respect and I'm not hearing much of that in your post. Trust that doing right thing for yourself will open an opportunity for him to do the same for himself if he chooses to. Congratulations on making a decision in support of Kristimay and good luck with your move!
As far as your guilt is concerned, I imagine you've been supporting him to a great extent during the last 6 years even though he's been able to work. How guilty has he felt about that? How guilty did he feel for taking off to TX in the midst of a family visit? While two wrongs don't make a right, healthy relationships require mutual respect and I'm not hearing much of that in your post. Trust that doing right thing for yourself will open an opportunity for him to do the same for himself if he chooses to. Congratulations on making a decision in support of Kristimay and good luck with your move!
2nd chance at a 1st cl*** life
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: San Jose, Ca
Posts: 492
You are not responsible for his behavior and his choices. If this sends him into a binge its not your fault. He makes the decision to drink all on his own, you have no part in it. A lot of us alcoholics like to play the blame game, blaming others for our own problems when we in fact are our problem. We tend to lash out so that we can transfer our own negative energy upon someone else, often times someone who loves and cares deeply for us. Remember the 3 c's.
You didn't CAUSE his alcoholism.
You can't CONTROL his alcoholism.
You can't CURE his alcoholism.
You never know maybe you are doing him a favor as well as yourself. When he comes home and finds you gone maybe it will send him into a binge. It could be his bottom and may finally seek help for his disease. Don't feel bad and dont take ownership of his problems.
You didn't CAUSE his alcoholism.
You can't CONTROL his alcoholism.
You can't CURE his alcoholism.
You never know maybe you are doing him a favor as well as yourself. When he comes home and finds you gone maybe it will send him into a binge. It could be his bottom and may finally seek help for his disease. Don't feel bad and dont take ownership of his problems.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by kristmay 
He cannot afford to live here on his own. I know this will spark a binge and I pray to God that it doesnt kill him. How do i get over this guilt of feeling like i'm abandoning him and ruining his life? I went to an alanon meeting last night and plan on continuing to go.
Why can't he afford to live there on his own? From what I've read, he gets a small disability check and has chosen to not work the past 6 years, correct?
That would lead me to believe you have carried the lions share of the financial responsibility the past 6 years, correct?
So in essence, he hasn't had to change because it's obviously worked well on his behalf for almost 11 years now.
You're doing the right thing for yourself, and in turn, doing the right thing for him.
You are going to take care of you.
Now he gets to figure out how to take care of himself.
He may or may not make good choices, but he will have the dignity of making those choices himself.
Sending you lots of hugs on the strong Kansas winds today!
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