katie28

Hi everyone,

Just to give you an update I am now at 5 week NC with my xABF. I have ensured that I am not in contact with anyone around him for my sanity. I do want him to get better and wish him all the best in his recovery, but we have been through so much together at this stage I cant really handle knowing anything about him.

So its been 5 weeks and I just get a message from him, at 11:00AM so I would suspect that he is not high or drunk. He messages saying 'I am really missing you right now'.

I haven't responded and don't even know what I would respond with. Obviously I do miss him and the good times that we shared, but I told him time and time again during our relationship that his actions speak louder than words, and all i ever got was words, no actions and verbal abuse at times.

Just wanting to know if any of you got the 'i really miss you' messages and what you did. I don't intend on replying and I think that if he did get himself together he would need to show me that he is worth the effort, not just this text message after 5 weeks of NC. I don't even know what he expects. What does 'I really miss you' mean anyway?

dollydo

It means, I am bored, I am broke and I am going to see if you will take my bait.

Obviously, you haven't...way to go!

coffeedrinker

I guess I think that this is the most important piece of this scenario.

What does it mean? Well, Dolly may have hit the nail on the head.

Or....maybe it's as simple as: He misses you.

Why wouldn't he????
Of course he misses you; you're wonderful.
There's probably a lot to miss. And perhaps he realizes it.
He's lonely, frustrated, alone, and possibly hard up. I know that I would miss my comfort person more if I were in a hard place.

But...to focus.
That most important statement is most important.
All the reasons you went N/C still exist.
Him missing you doesn't affect any of that one flying fig.

katie28

I know that him missing me doesn't change things, but I do still love him and despite the fact of how much he upset and hurt me during our 4 years together, I feel bad for ignoring him and I know that is because I am a caring and loving person and he was my best friend. Its very hard to stay strong with the NC when I feel that he is reaching out to me...but saying I miss you doesn't show me anything.

I haven't responded....

I always wonder if he will one day realize what he threw away. A partner that loved and supported him, a home, a family.

Kindeyes

katie
"I really miss you" means just that. I believe that addicts have the ability to love deeply but their addiction overrides their good intentions.
gentle hugs

coffeedrinker

and of course dolly and cynical may be absolutely correct. we don't know for certain what's in another person's head.

so, that's why we hang on to the principles:
actions/behaviors, not words
long-term, meaningful, sobriety

if we all made decisions (which, granted, i did for a long, long time) because we think we know their heart, because we feel for them, and all that, well, where we would be?? oh yeah, we already know that answer.

as for the quoted sentiment: yes. unless he's rotten through and through, or so immersed in his sickness and denial, he gets it.

my abf was aware every minute what his losses were. it sorta kept him stuck in the pattern of "needing" to get high. feel remorse, feel worthless and hopeless, take your tried and true escape route. recurring pattern.

dollydo

Each person is different, I believe that my exabf will never understand what he has lost. He has burned so many bridges in the past (like his entire family) and he just never got it. He was mad at them, nothing was his responsibility, just because he stole from them, lied to them, called them every name in the book to their face and came around their houses when he was stoned out of his mind,yet he did nothing.

Perhaps yours is different, but, I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for him to get it. Keep the no contact in place, listening to his quacking is not healthy for you!

katie28

I do agree you anvilhead.

The message was about him. Our relationship was always about him. He never made anything about me or made me feel special. When it was my birthday or my occasion he always turned it around and made it about him or ruined the day for me. He never did anything special for me to show me that he loved me and appreciated me. I did everything that I could to help him and care for him. Once again this message is about him.

I do wish him all the best and miss him terribly at times, but I know that I deserve better.

I was chatting to a friend yesterday who is also single and about my age. (28) I was saying how I just want to be on my own for a while and get myself together and that I'm not interested in being with anyone. She was shocked and was like 'you cant be single forever'. She is also feeling the pressure of everyone around us is getting married or having babies and we are still single.

I know right now that I don't really have much energy to give to a relationship. After my 4 year roller coaster ride I need to regroup and re-energize myself.

Its better if I don't get drawn into the recovery of my ex. It has taken me about 5 months to come to this realization that they must do it on their own - except he isn't doing it on his own. He has the support and money of the girl who used to enable him to do drugs. Until he is sober for an extended period of time and has these enablers out of his life (which I know will never happen) there is no way I can have anything to do with him.

Babyblue

Ok, here is where the old lady in me (Im 42) kicks in and says 28 is NOT old. I didn't even know who I really was until I was in my mid thirties and there I was with a husband I didn't love and dreams I didn't finish. I eventually finished my dreams and went on to be 'successful' but not with any support from the hubs! *chortles to self* ah youth!

Be on your own for as long as it takes. Until you really know who you are. Then you can enter into a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship with some mature guy who has his sh*t together. Just sayin!

I do understand where you are. I don't know the full story but he is with someone else? Left you for someone else? He'd have to move mountains and earth to have me take him back and write a 9000 page of apology and why I am such an awesome gal he took for granted and maybe, just maybe I'd have coffee with him.

katie28

Thanks Babyblue.

No he isn't with someone else...(that I know of) but he is being supported by an ex friend of mine and her mother. I don't believe there is any thing more to their friendship as she has a long term (10) year partner... but who knows. Could have been going on behind my back the whole time.

He broke up with me as he needed to focus on getting better and moved out of the house I bought. He later said various things about never being in love with me and me controlling him so I don't really know the truth behind it all. I only ever got a semi apology over text one time. Saying something like 'I'm sorry for everything'.

I did see him occasionally after we broke up. He would make me come over to his house. I asked him the last time I saw him why if he broke up with me why do I have to come to his house? He said that 'that's the way it has to be. People have to come to me'
So since then I have never gone to him.

Freedom1990

I'm sorry, but this got to me!

Thanks for tickling my funny bone, Anvil.

Babyblue

"People have to come to me." Translation: my friend's mom won't lend me her car. Nice.

Don't ever go to him. Good for you. He broke up, he was the one with the issues and drama so maybe he is a bit remorseful. He probably does miss you. But his head is probably still a jumbled mess if he is trying to cope without drinking. Or maybe he relapsed which is why he is texting. I figured that out. A lovey text at 2 a.m. meant relapse in my case.

The relationship not being about you could also just be him, who he is.. how he treats women. That it has nothing to do with the drinking/recovery issue. He is maybe just a jerk?

Like coffeedrinker said, of course he misses you.. probably can't find someone to put with him as long as you did

katie28

I guess that's the question. Take away the alcohol and drugs and maybe in the end you are just left with a big selfish jerk!