Never again w/a Grain of Salt
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 31
Never again w/a Grain of Salt
It's been a while since I've visited this site...have really missed everyone and all the hope that is always sent.
I filed for Divorce this week...finally. Even though my A and I had been seperated since April I only let go in my heart about 1 1/2 months ago. I finally started feeling free of fear...free to live my life which I had so sheltered for 5 months. Throwing myself into Alanon meetings...several weekly. I finally decided to join a work-out place and so loved it. I had been going for a month and was doing great. He started making comments to me that I was never home until late and so-forth. I didn't think it was any of his business and never told him I joined. I think he got the wrong idea of where I was going.
The reason I titled this thread as I did..."Never Again w/a Grain of Salt" is because I have read post of physical & emotional abuse...most not described in detail but the wording is there. I have dealt with some physical abuse in our past 7 year relationship but always able to hold my own so that didn't last long. I have dealt with alot of destruction of property and so-forth. I have always dealt with emotional abuse in the form of threats...I always took with a grain of salt. I heard them so much...they meant nothing to me. Such as...I'll take 3 or 4 lives from this farm along with mine one day...I'll hit you head on when I see you coming down the road...I'll burn your house down...If I can't live here no one will (I thought he meant another man which I respected and did none of the such)...and so many more. I completely blocked his threats out...always left the room or phone conversation when they started. Our conversations always started out decent but ended up with some sort of angry threat. I will never tolerate that sort of behavior toward me again...not from anyone.
I am sending this out to you so that noone takes them lightly as I did. On October 13th...my house was burned to the ground. I had nothing left standing except for 3 tubs of very special things of my Grandmothers...which I am so thankful to the firefighter that risked his life to get them. My husband is the prime suspect and is currently being investigated for Arson...which is almost impossible to prove without seeing the match struck. He...of course...refuses a polygraph...says he has a nerve problem. I know in my heart he took my home from me. The kicker is the home didn't even belong to me...it was my father's...his mother's before that. So many memories destroyed and that's what he went for.
I have destroyed my family...they are all on edge...all looking over their shoulder as I have now came clean with all the threats he has made...noone even had a clue that anything like this was in my life and I guess for that I am partially to blame because I should have been open and honest. Most just thought I was the mean bi.ch that didn't allow drinking around her...wander why!?!
I pleaded with my husband to seek treatment for what I guessed to be schizophrenia. He has even told a counselor at JADAC...in the past...he felt as if he has 2 personalities...and rages he cannot control. He admitted to the counselor to making empty threats and regretting them.
There are reasons they say the things they do...if you're gonna stay in the relationship...explore the threats and why they were made...with the A and witnesses if possible. Once it's done...there's no going back. Each day I fear for my life as I know he has taken this step and can't go back. I just don't know what he's capable of anymore. I pray God grants me another day everytime I close my eyes. I did not have this sort of fear until my house burned. Believe me...I will never take anything for granted again.
Not to depress anyone...Just to "Open Eyes". Thanks for listening.
Amy
I filed for Divorce this week...finally. Even though my A and I had been seperated since April I only let go in my heart about 1 1/2 months ago. I finally started feeling free of fear...free to live my life which I had so sheltered for 5 months. Throwing myself into Alanon meetings...several weekly. I finally decided to join a work-out place and so loved it. I had been going for a month and was doing great. He started making comments to me that I was never home until late and so-forth. I didn't think it was any of his business and never told him I joined. I think he got the wrong idea of where I was going.
The reason I titled this thread as I did..."Never Again w/a Grain of Salt" is because I have read post of physical & emotional abuse...most not described in detail but the wording is there. I have dealt with some physical abuse in our past 7 year relationship but always able to hold my own so that didn't last long. I have dealt with alot of destruction of property and so-forth. I have always dealt with emotional abuse in the form of threats...I always took with a grain of salt. I heard them so much...they meant nothing to me. Such as...I'll take 3 or 4 lives from this farm along with mine one day...I'll hit you head on when I see you coming down the road...I'll burn your house down...If I can't live here no one will (I thought he meant another man which I respected and did none of the such)...and so many more. I completely blocked his threats out...always left the room or phone conversation when they started. Our conversations always started out decent but ended up with some sort of angry threat. I will never tolerate that sort of behavior toward me again...not from anyone.
I am sending this out to you so that noone takes them lightly as I did. On October 13th...my house was burned to the ground. I had nothing left standing except for 3 tubs of very special things of my Grandmothers...which I am so thankful to the firefighter that risked his life to get them. My husband is the prime suspect and is currently being investigated for Arson...which is almost impossible to prove without seeing the match struck. He...of course...refuses a polygraph...says he has a nerve problem. I know in my heart he took my home from me. The kicker is the home didn't even belong to me...it was my father's...his mother's before that. So many memories destroyed and that's what he went for.
I have destroyed my family...they are all on edge...all looking over their shoulder as I have now came clean with all the threats he has made...noone even had a clue that anything like this was in my life and I guess for that I am partially to blame because I should have been open and honest. Most just thought I was the mean bi.ch that didn't allow drinking around her...wander why!?!
I pleaded with my husband to seek treatment for what I guessed to be schizophrenia. He has even told a counselor at JADAC...in the past...he felt as if he has 2 personalities...and rages he cannot control. He admitted to the counselor to making empty threats and regretting them.
There are reasons they say the things they do...if you're gonna stay in the relationship...explore the threats and why they were made...with the A and witnesses if possible. Once it's done...there's no going back. Each day I fear for my life as I know he has taken this step and can't go back. I just don't know what he's capable of anymore. I pray God grants me another day everytime I close my eyes. I did not have this sort of fear until my house burned. Believe me...I will never take anything for granted again.
Not to depress anyone...Just to "Open Eyes". Thanks for listening.
Amy
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Mich
Posts: 212
Amy,
Didn't depress me, did open my eyes. Thankfully I have an ah that doesn't make threats about hurting me, destroying the house or anything about my family. He has never laid a hand on me, but mentally? Sure, been there done that. I will keep you in my prayers. Kudos to you for sharing with all of us!
Please keep coming here to share with us...I appreciate it!
Sped teach
Didn't depress me, did open my eyes. Thankfully I have an ah that doesn't make threats about hurting me, destroying the house or anything about my family. He has never laid a hand on me, but mentally? Sure, been there done that. I will keep you in my prayers. Kudos to you for sharing with all of us!
Please keep coming here to share with us...I appreciate it!
Sped teach
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Dreaming Summer
Posts: 821
((((((((Amy))))))))
I hope you will do whatever it takes to protect yourself.I know all too well what it is like to be so terrified.I will be praying that they can get the proof they need about the arson,so that you can have some peace of mind.Take care of yourself.
Hugs
phoenix
I hope you will do whatever it takes to protect yourself.I know all too well what it is like to be so terrified.I will be praying that they can get the proof they need about the arson,so that you can have some peace of mind.Take care of yourself.
Hugs
phoenix
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Iowa USA
Posts: 102
Thank you so much for sharing and I know you have helped someone. I empathize for your losses and the uncertainty of today.
Just a little "I hope." He is exposed now. Even if he is never convicted, he is accused in a lot of people's minds. I hope that maybe he has scared himself a bit. I hope that it may make him wary of acting again on impulse.
This is old info, but it used to be that the standard for commitment was "danger to yourself or others." If he can be shown to be dangerous or makes statements in front of someone besides you, someway, but if you can show him to be dangerous, he could be committed and possibly evaluated.
Hugs and prayers to you. And thank you again for sharing.
Just a little "I hope." He is exposed now. Even if he is never convicted, he is accused in a lot of people's minds. I hope that maybe he has scared himself a bit. I hope that it may make him wary of acting again on impulse.
This is old info, but it used to be that the standard for commitment was "danger to yourself or others." If he can be shown to be dangerous or makes statements in front of someone besides you, someway, but if you can show him to be dangerous, he could be committed and possibly evaluated.
Hugs and prayers to you. And thank you again for sharing.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: On pins and needles
Posts: 99
My prayers go out to you. What a horrible event to have to deal with. Forensic science has come along way and hopefully this crime will be solved and give you a small bit of peace.
I hope you don't beat yourself up for not really listening and believing him ...I am sure that over time he told you many untrue things....we have no way of deciphering what is from what isn't.
Take care and God Bless.
I hope you don't beat yourself up for not really listening and believing him ...I am sure that over time he told you many untrue things....we have no way of deciphering what is from what isn't.
Take care and God Bless.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 407
Amy -
Thank God that you are safe. I'm sorry that you are having to deal with this. It must be overwhelming. Now that others know about his threats and what he is capable of, you won't be so alone. My thoughts and prayers are with you as you start your "new" life.
Hugs, Jo
Thank God that you are safe. I'm sorry that you are having to deal with this. It must be overwhelming. Now that others know about his threats and what he is capable of, you won't be so alone. My thoughts and prayers are with you as you start your "new" life.
Hugs, Jo
Queen of one liners
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
Amy; How I wish I could hug you in person....I hope a spiritual Hug will work...
Please don't go on blaming your self...We all can only see to our point of enlightenment....There are so many things in my life I'd do differently IF I could've seen things as they were....
Thank You for being so open and honest and sharing your experience , strength and hope...
You can move forward and take your memories with you.
May God bless. Sending love and prayers. ~~A~~
Please don't go on blaming your self...We all can only see to our point of enlightenment....There are so many things in my life I'd do differently IF I could've seen things as they were....
Thank You for being so open and honest and sharing your experience , strength and hope...
You can move forward and take your memories with you.
May God bless. Sending love and prayers. ~~A~~
Member
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Calif.
Posts: 42
(((Amy))) Thank you for sharing your experience. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I just can not imagine what you are going through. Working through a difficult relationship is enough, but dealing with all of your memories being destroyed would be so hard.
I'm glad you posted, and will be thinking of you.
Viv
I'm glad you posted, and will be thinking of you.
Viv
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 31
I felt like I needed to share because I minimized every threat he made. I'd say...he said this...but he'd never do it. Oh...how many times I said that...even recently. I thought that my love could save him...bring him out of the rut he was in. He was the only one of 4 brothers that had not been to prison. He has a wonderful personality on one side....the other I just don't know. I am 32 and he is 44...I thought that was all he needed. I'd make him a better person...the CODIE in me I guess.
If sharing my story keeps another person from going down that road then that is what I must do. I only pray the drama stops here and there is no more.Thanks for all your prayers...all your responses brung tears to my eyes...but they were good tears. I needed some of them.
If sharing my story keeps another person from going down that road then that is what I must do. I only pray the drama stops here and there is no more.Thanks for all your prayers...all your responses brung tears to my eyes...but they were good tears. I needed some of them.
Learning to love life...
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 529
Amy,
I am sending my hugs and postive thoughts your way as well; what a tremendous ordeal to have to sort through.
Take comfort in knowing that you are being taken care of, and many here are thinking of you also.
You sound amazingly strong, and positive about how your life is unfolding now; even with the hurt and pain that you are feeling... going to those meetings and keeping yourself afloat is such a huge acomplishment, and exactly where you need to be.
With your story and your inspirational words, you send a message LOUD and CLEAR to all of us; and for that, I am extremely grateful. Perhaps this is part of your HP's divine plan for you... and the gift is beautiful.
Thank you for sharing, and please keep coming back!
Take good care,
Meg
I am sending my hugs and postive thoughts your way as well; what a tremendous ordeal to have to sort through.
Take comfort in knowing that you are being taken care of, and many here are thinking of you also.
You sound amazingly strong, and positive about how your life is unfolding now; even with the hurt and pain that you are feeling... going to those meetings and keeping yourself afloat is such a huge acomplishment, and exactly where you need to be.
With your story and your inspirational words, you send a message LOUD and CLEAR to all of us; and for that, I am extremely grateful. Perhaps this is part of your HP's divine plan for you... and the gift is beautiful.
Thank you for sharing, and please keep coming back!
Take good care,
Meg
Member
Join Date: Aug 2003
Posts: 413
Thankfully Elvis never acted like that. I did have a stepfather once who acted like that tho. Please be careful and stay on your guard. Alcholics dont think like the rest of us. This may not be the end of it. You could get a restraining order but dont depend on it.
Im so sorry to hear about your house. But Im glad that you are okay. Youre right they say so much stuff that after awhile we ignore them. Im glad you were able to save some things.
Even tho my stepfather was a nut case my Mom never had him committed cause the police said they dont keep them very long and once they have that on their record they can do just about anything and claim diminished capacity or somthin like that.
Im so sorry to hear about your house. But Im glad that you are okay. Youre right they say so much stuff that after awhile we ignore them. Im glad you were able to save some things.
Even tho my stepfather was a nut case my Mom never had him committed cause the police said they dont keep them very long and once they have that on their record they can do just about anything and claim diminished capacity or somthin like that.
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Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Cincinnati Ohio
Posts: 94
An 
is watching over you, AMY . Sending you prayers and plenty of (((HUGS))) as you take each step each moment of each day. Keep doing whatever feels good to you - you are on the right path - take good care of you. Thank you for sharing.
is watching over you, AMY . Sending you prayers and plenty of (((HUGS))) as you take each step each moment of each day. Keep doing whatever feels good to you - you are on the right path - take good care of you. Thank you for sharing.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Ohio
Posts: 444
((((((((Sunshyne)))))
Thanks so much for the warning--I will be listening more carefully from now on, --and will heed your advice. I too got the threats--but haven't in a very long time. Thanks again.
So very sorry for the loss of your home. I know I would be as torn up as you are, as I cherish things from my family.
However, there are ways to replace things to keep the memories alive. For instance, I have my mother's china, but it was lost in a fire, I would probably purchase enough of the same pattern on e-bay to be able to say, I'm having tea with the same pattern of china my mother used. As a child, I was put in a foster home, and all of our family pictures were lost. But relatives have given me so many pictures over the years, and I've made copies of all of theirs, so I have many cherished family pictures.
In the meantime--please take care, and keep yourself safe. Don't make yourself easily accessible to this guy.
You are so strong, and you have my hugs, and prayers.
Lyn
Thanks so much for the warning--I will be listening more carefully from now on, --and will heed your advice. I too got the threats--but haven't in a very long time. Thanks again.
So very sorry for the loss of your home. I know I would be as torn up as you are, as I cherish things from my family.
However, there are ways to replace things to keep the memories alive. For instance, I have my mother's china, but it was lost in a fire, I would probably purchase enough of the same pattern on e-bay to be able to say, I'm having tea with the same pattern of china my mother used. As a child, I was put in a foster home, and all of our family pictures were lost. But relatives have given me so many pictures over the years, and I've made copies of all of theirs, so I have many cherished family pictures.
In the meantime--please take care, and keep yourself safe. Don't make yourself easily accessible to this guy.
You are so strong, and you have my hugs, and prayers.
Lyn
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 31
Thanks guys...I need all the angels I can get around me right now. We did go to court yesterday and I got an EPO issued for 3 years...I will never let this one slide as I have in the past. I didn't even look at him. He told the Judge he didn't know why we were there because he had moved out of town and hadn't seen me in over 3 months...BULL. He made contact with me alot in October. He got upset when the judge explained wherever I was it would be in his best interest to leave...even if he was there first...and he told the Judge that Saturday night I was drunk and threatened to burn his trailer down and that I had a gun flashing it around threatening to kill him and that he had several witnesses...he said this all under oath...what a sad case. I think he done that hoping they would issue an EPO against me. I just looked his way and before I realized it in a very loud voice said "Do What". The Judge never acknowledged his statement. (Let me clarify as my Mother said..."Did you"...I never said anything of the sort nor was I drunk. I never seen him and don't hang around any of his friends...he was just reaching for anything. He looked so lost it made me sad.
Lyn...The threat of the fire was something I heard over the years along with so many other controlling statements. I think the last time I heard that was probably back in July or August. That's why I thought everything was over. My friend and I were talking that Monday before the fire happened and I told her I hadn't heard from my A for 5 days. She said that could be a good thing meaning he's let go or it could be a bad thing meaning he's plotting something. Looks like it was more than likely the bad thing. Just be careful and never let your guard down. Also if you've ever heard any threat of that kind...take your most personal memories and store them somewhere without him knowing...just private protection.
I don't hate my A but I do feel sorry for him. I don't think I can ever forgive him face to face but I do know I have to in my heart to ever have peace.
Love you guys...
Sunshyne
Lyn...The threat of the fire was something I heard over the years along with so many other controlling statements. I think the last time I heard that was probably back in July or August. That's why I thought everything was over. My friend and I were talking that Monday before the fire happened and I told her I hadn't heard from my A for 5 days. She said that could be a good thing meaning he's let go or it could be a bad thing meaning he's plotting something. Looks like it was more than likely the bad thing. Just be careful and never let your guard down. Also if you've ever heard any threat of that kind...take your most personal memories and store them somewhere without him knowing...just private protection.
I don't hate my A but I do feel sorry for him. I don't think I can ever forgive him face to face but I do know I have to in my heart to ever have peace.
Love you guys...
Sunshyne
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