theuncertainty

God, what a sh-thead.

My very first post here about 7 months ago was asking if the lying ever stops. I know it's not even been a year. I do not know if he's drinking again, sometimes I think he is, and at other times I don't know - just simply (happily) not enough contact to determine. I do know from his other behavior that he's not following any program.

The lying hasn't stopped. Has indeed progressed to where he lied to his attorney (who dropped him for a number of reasons) and then to the judge in our divorce case and about something that is very easily verifiable.

The worst though is that he keeps jerking our DS around. Just did it again. This is supposed to be his weekend with DS. He's not here and DS is devastated because his father called to change it from a weekend to dinner. DS was out in his room under the bed again.

I don't understand. Does STBXAH believe his own lies? Does he think the entire world is stupid? Why am I surprised?

I guess that last one is the main one. Why am I surprised? I am so tired of finding myself thinking that some one can make him change.

I thought my leaving with DS would make him change; I thought him walking off from and nearly losing the best job he's ever had because he was drunk would get him to change; I thought his sister getting him into an in-patient program would change him. Slowly, painfully I've let all of those day dreams go and I thought I was resigned to the thought of him continuing to the same abusive alcoholic that he is. However, I find I was apparently hoping the court could get him to at least change his behavior. Because I thought that he would follow a court-ordered visitation schedule. Because I thought he couldn't find a way to be controlling and a-holey through a court ordered visitation schedule with a no contact order in place.

I'm tired. And I am really trying to turn this all over to my HP, because I cannot deal with him even indirectly any more. I can't do this. I sure as hell can't do this for the years it will take DS to reach 18....

I'm going to lock myself in the bathroom for an uninterrupted bath and let myself cry until the tears stop. Then I'm going to check my budget to see if I can afford to go out shopping - as much as the idea of going shopping the weekend of 'black' Friday makes me shudder. Or maybe meet a friend for coffee... IDK.

Freedom1990

I'm sorry. Sometimes completely letting go hurts.

Perhaps in the future when he's 'scheduled' to spent time with your son, don't let your son know ahead of time.

Learn2Live

I'm sorry theuncertainty. These are hard lessons. But you can do this. You will find a way. When it gets to what seems like the worst, something will come and lift you up, I am sure of it. Your job is to just keep breathing and take care of you and your son the very best you can.

I cannot speak for everyone on earth but I do believe that the lies they tell are not always intentional. Active alcoholics do not make good parents and their day-to-day lives are so very unpredictable. No, not good for kids but he is likely not doing it on purpose and likely does not know the hurt his actions may cause. The only advice I can offer is for you to be as predictable as possible for your DS, to counterbalance the other parent's behavior.

:ghug3

johndelko408

Sorry to hear this but I can relate to your jerk. I was a liar, a cheat and a hoarse thief myself. I would sometimes not go see my kiddos cause i would rather spend the day drinking and using. But that's what many of us alcoholics and addicts do. Some of the decisions we make are just not rational thinking. I got my ass into recovery, working my steps and with my sponsor. My kids deserve more than what I was before. Just because I wasn't happy with my life situation why should my kids have to suffer. Just know and remember, you can't make anyone stop drinking or using, they have tto want to stop in order to stop. You can lead a hoarse to water but you can't make it drink. If you've never heard the 3 c's before I'll lay em down for you.

You didn't Cause it.
You can't Control it.
You can't Cure it.

Phoenixthebird

NO matter how hard we try to make the other parent a more responsive and responsible parent, we just can NOT do it! My dry drunk husband has been detached emotionally from our sons. I have even tried to make plans for the three of them so the father-son bonding could happen. Of course I wasn't successful! It was what I wanted to happen. All I could do was be the best Mother I knew how to be! Now that my sons are older, I'm letting them to teach me how to go fishing, camping, and woodworking. It helps that I'm actually a Tom-Boy at heart! (LOL)

Learn to give from my overflow rather that from my reserve. This is self care, we learn to let go of burdens we were never meant to carry. Learn to ask, “What is the best thing for me?” An expectation is a premeditated resentment. The higher the expectations, the lower the serenity. I try to keep my boundaries high, my expectations low, and my heart open. Any time I am in resentment, I am not taking care of myself. I am blaming someone else for something I need to do. When I blame someone else for something, I give up my power to them. It is futile to spend time trying to figure out what makes some one else tick. I remove the other person’s dignity if I try to make their decisions for them. Learn to live with the “disease” that comes when you stop something and practice new behavior, the feelings will pass. Anger can be constructive in telling me that someone else is stepping on some boundaries that I need to enforce. The only difference between stumbling blocks and stepping stones is in how we use them.

******************************************** *********

Phoenixthebird

Liar Liar Pants on Fire*******

dollydo

I believe that lying becomes a habit, like drugs and alcohol. Do they really think that they are fooling everyone? Yes, they do, that's how abstractly stupid addiction is.

Enjoy your bath, cry your heart out, then dry yourself,and, move forward!

jackthedog

This is great Phoenixthebird, I cut and pasted it and will read it over and over, you are so wise and helpful!

Learn2Live

I agree JackTheDog! Great post Phoenix!

Summerpeach

I'm in therapy for serious PTSD and my therapist told me the lying, double life and cheating I witnessed was seeing his addition in full swing. He didn't drink anymore, but still had the addiction
Lying is an addiction, and the joke is, everyone knows they are lying. It's so sad!

theuncertainty

Thanks for the kind words and support, all. Yep. I know the 3 C's. I think most of the time I remember them and can admit it: I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it. Somehow, though, I find myself not applying it to other forces/people; hoping that something will trigger his rock bottom. Which I guess, now that I verbalize it, is not really admitting it at all.

Thing is, he may stop drinking. He may work on recovering from his alcoholism. But I do not believe he will ever work on his abusiveness. He will never treat me differently than he did in our marriage or how he's been treating me since I left him. Maybe that's a different subject from the Liar, liar topic...

So today brings to mind another question for those who are not as emotionally embroiled in this mess as I am. I plan on asking my attorney Monday, but I think it would help to get a bit of perspective before then, because dealing with STBXAH always makes me feel off-center:

Is it unreasonable to require STBXAH set an alternative schedule in advance when he can't make the court-ordered schedule? Rather than "I have to work today and may be off after 6:30 pm and can I take him to dinner"? I don't think it is. He will think it is. He thought it was unreasonable to have any kind of schedule to start with.

theuncertainty

Thank you, Freedom, for the reminder. I had stopped telling DS about planned visits. But after the court-ordered schedule actually worked a couple times, like so many other times in our relationship, I thought STBXAH had really changed and started reminding DS "It's a Daddy weekend!" It's amazing how I hang on to that hope for change.


Yes, I'm trying to do this. DS and I have a set rhythm to our day and week. His school is very much like that as well. I must say, it's just as soothing for me as it is for him.

JenT1968

it's not unreasonable, it's probably unlikely though my ex doesn't get that either. I tried not telling ds when ex was supposed to come, but that back-fired and ds was anxious all the time, unwilling to go out at all in case ex popped in unexpectedly (because as far as he knew that was what was happening), it also led to times when I was "mean" because I wouldn't let him do something else (because ex was coming over, but ds didn't know) and then ex didn't show, so he was still angry, but now I was the bad guy, taking the fall for his crappitude.

Now, although I hate it, I just have to let DS be devastated that his father is completely unreliable. I try and contain his anger when this happens and let him work through it. He still directs most of it at me.

I can't make his father reliable. Or nice, he's still verbally abusive, steals from me etc, the second I can legally keep him out of my home, wherever that is, I will no longer be supervising any contact and he will be entirely on his own as far as forging a relationship with his children. That is sad for the kids too, but I will not bring them up to believe that it is right to be treated the way he treats me, or that you have to let people walk all over you.

DS is 7 DD is 2. You best solution may well be different to mine. Good luck, I know you will make the best decisions for your family. you're a great person and a great mum

Learn2Live

IMO, The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. In my experience, it takes a major, life-shaking event to spur a person on to make significant change. For me, emotional or psychological pain always seems to be the catalyst. Everyone responds differently to events that happen in their lives. When you are a practicing alcoholic, you're numb. -Numb to the effects of your own behavior.- In this state, it's hard to feel the pain that would spur you to make the necessary or appropriate changes.

Learn2Live

This is AWESOME!!! Count this as a BIG success! Keep up the good work.

Freedom1990

In the long run, based on his past behaviors and attitudes, do you really deep down in your heart think that will work?

The court has set a visitation schedule for him. Being an alcoholic, he's always going to think he's an exception to the rule.

I've had to keep things very short and simple with my AD, no exceptions, or she runs roughshod over me.

I can also say as a recovering alcoholic, that when I was active in my alcoholism, I loved it when people were accommodating me and I didn't have to play by the rules. That just reinforced for me in my sick mind that I was an exception to the rule.

The court set visitation. He is aware of the visitation. Yet he chooses to call last minute and try to change the set visitation.

I know you want your son to have a relationship with his father.

I wanted the same for my daughters, and it didn't happen.

My AD's dad is a normie, not an alcoholic, but after I moved over 2 hours away from him (and the abusive EXAH) in order to maintain my own recovery, he was too busy with his new wife and building a new family to be bothered with AD.

My 22-year-old's dad lives 35 miles away, and also couldn't be bothered with any sort of parenting relationship. He's been sober and in AA over 33 years now.

Those are the cold hard facts in my life in regards to any paternal parenting/participation.

The good news is I have been there to share their sorrow and joys. I have been the present parent.

I can look at myself in the mirror today and know I did the best that I could.

You're a terrific mom, and don't forget that, my dear!

:ghug3

fourmaggie

OH MY GOSH!! i so get this...Lying also is a family TRAIT...on my late husbands side...because of the alcoholic "husband and father" they(wife and daughter) all lied to him and to others about anything and everything...... ITS AWEFUL...i cant be in the same room as these people because of it..<<< but to say this..is hard....these people are so use to doing it...they dont see it...well, they dont even say that the alcohol is effecting everyone in that family TO BEGIN WITH....