lulu1974

Hello SR!

Yesterday the guy I "nexted" because he wasnt available to make plans with me said some pretty unkind things to me.

I already made up my mind last week to move forward but he texted me wishing me a happy thanksgiving so in the spirit of the holiday I replied back. He then texted me at 4am asking me if I had forgotten about him. I figured the mature and honest thing to do what let him know my plans to move forward. Even though after crappy he was to me last week I didnt feel he even deserved an explanation.I did

I basically texted him saying I really liked him but his unavailability was an issue and I couldnt meet him expectations of being his beck and call girl whenever he could fit me in. That I was used to being treated better than that and wished him well.

Well seems he has a temper. He called me a coward for not saying it sooner. Which is untrue because I told him this twice in person previously. He then told me to grow up, to never call him again and to stop harassing him and that he had misjudged me and that people have talked about me. Now I dont usually contact him nor had I this whole week aside for responding to his. When I said that is impossible for people to say anything about me because I wasnt doing anything to attract gossip he of course didnt respond. I left it and really walked away. I think I just ended something with a 12 year old.

I was really trying to be delicate about it just saying our lifestyles didnt match up but he had to turn it into this war. Talk about being stunned. I realize he may be hurt and just insecure but wow. This is out of my control right? I set a boundry and he didnt like it and his reaction has nothing to do with me? It just feels very weird even though I know I did the right thing. I did not call him any names and just let him throw his tantrum. I am proud of that. This was now the second time he attacked my character.

Hugs

Lulu

Kindeyes

Lulu
Keep moving forward and don't look back!
gentle hugs

Freedom1990

Actually I think a 12 year old is giving him too much credit. I don't care if he's feeling insecure or an elephant stepped on his big too. There is no excuse for his rude, callous, childish behavior.

Good riddance to bad rubbish, hon. Seriously, the guy is an anal orifice.

Sending you lots of hugs on the Kansas breezes.

fourmaggie

*hehe* some men eh?...be true to yourself...I have been called, on more than one occasion, a BIT@# , because of me being in control of myself...well! i rather be called that then STUPID...dating is fun! isnt it!!?? welcome to my world...LOL

Learn2Live

So very typical of a hugely immature, selfish person.

Good. Because what he intended to do was make you feel paranoid. You took the bait but then let it go. GOOD FOR YOU LuLu!

HaHa! Yup.

Absolutely.

That is correct. He TRIED to make it about you (see first quote at top of this post) but you've "got his number."

That's cause you're just practicing. The more you practice, the less weirder it gets. The less weird it gets. Not sure how to say that LOL.

Feels good not to let someone trigger you, doesn't it? I remember first practicing this too. I felt like a mom watching her kid.

This is why it's so important to know yourself, your strengths and your abilities well. To believe in yourself. Cause there are lots of people out there who will attack your character just because that is the way they relate to others when they do not get their way.

Way to go!

lulu1974

Holy tomatoes is this dating thing hard! And recovery can be exhausting! Its like I know I am doing the right thing but it feels so weird to me??? Like Learn to Live said I am just practicing.

lulu1974

I swear Learn afterwards I sat down and replayed the tape in my head and was like..that was manipulation, that was his insecurity and could pinpoint exactly what happened. I did an inventory of myself and know at one point my tone raised but then I quickly got control. Even when I said I liked him but it was just getting too hard without him making an effort to keep going. I even mentioned how hurt I felt last Friday. He didnt address any of it he was too busy saying how cowardly I was. And to leave him alone! I dont even contact him. His last statment was something like " Stop harassing me, I asked you to lose my number so dont reply to this and leave me alone". Ok then....I dont think anyone has ever accused me of harrassing them simply because I dont. Since when did a conversation turn into harrassment? Ay ya ya...Moving right along.

lulu1974

Thanks Freedom. Nicely said. Anal orfice.

Thanks for your hugs - they are always welcome here!

Freedom1990

Yes, it does feel weird when we start doing things that are healthy for us, as opposed to being stuck in old, familiar, and dysfunctional patterns.

Practice, practice, practice! I promise it won't always feel weird!

goldengirl3

OMG. I have come across so many of these. I almost have a radar for them now if I've come across one and it gives me the shivers.

HealingWillCome

Next....!!!

Apparently this guy isn't used to classy chicks telling him NO!

Good for you Lulu! You score a "10" on a huge, stadium-sized electronic, flashing, fireworks-blasting scoreboard.

Way to go, girl!

transformyself

This stuff is hard but SO rewarding, especially when you consider the alternatives.

Heeding red flags prevents future problems, for sure. But to me , the hard part is the processing internally. Dissecting why I operate the way I do, how to change the stuff that doesn't serve me, sorting out what kind of woman I want to be and charting out that course.

You're keeping your eyes open and being honest with yourself. That's a beautiful thing, no matter what comes up in the process, cause you can own your sh*t.

My unsolicited advice is to say a good prayer for this man to find happiness and health, send him on his way with your gift to yourself and him of letting go and then see what you can do next, Wonder Woman!

Learn2Live

To me, this is the ESSENCE of emotional detachment. If this were me in a previous life (over a decade ago) I would have fallen for every trick in this guy's book like you described. And that was because I used to believe in all the magical thinking, the soul mate crap, the "we are meant to be together," the "I love you" words, and the longing for the ideal relationship and the picture-perfect family, the idea that a man is going to bring me what I want in life. I was so very desperate. Now, I know what is better for me; I know that MY choices are what rule my life. Can you look back at where you were before you started working on yourself and see how you would have felt, thought and acted, and why? Can you see just HOW FAR you have come? Those are the true trophies in life, in my opinion. I hope you write this down in a journal

lulu1974

I think I still believe in the magical love to a certain point but now I know there needs to be more than that. I have journaled about this. And I have come far. I am even getting comfortable by myself. I notcied I do have some depression but have been addressing that with a doctor. But I have been crawling and fighting my way out of this. Emotional detachment is huge for me. As transformie mentioned, I can do the right thing but then it stays inside of me and eats at me. So that is where I need to do more work. Making peace with it inside of me. Now that is a challenge. lol

Hugs
Lulu

Learn2Live

Love ya' LuLu! You are truly an inspiration! Thank you so much for sharing this thread. It is helping me more than you can know. :ghug3

lulu1974

I always look forward to your posts and ur insight has been so super helpful thru this. So happy I can give back too!!

Hugs girlfriend..

Phoenixthebird

YAAAH lulu,
You didn't allow this "12 year old" to entrap you in his sick game of cat-and-mouse. From reading your post that was what he was trying to get you involved with......
"He then texted me at 4am asking me if I had forgotten about him." "I did not call him any names and just let him throw his tantrum. I am proud of that. This was now the second time he attacked my character."

This is one area I still need to work on in my recovery, not needing to have the last word in an argument. Most of the time it's fruitless!

“The beautiful thing about learning is nobody can take it away from you.”

"The only person you are destined to become is the person you decide to be.”

“Keep in mind that letting go isn’t the end of the world, it’s the beginning of a new life.”

********************************

meditation

Not having to always having to have the last word and letting things go is something I'm working on. SR alone will help with those triggers. I don't have to pound my point or prove anything to anybody and although it's not fun to practice it is rewarding to step away and let the person that wants the confrontation to just stew in whatever mess they want to stew in without me in the pot as the essential ingredient. And not gathering up ammo or buddies to fight a war is another thing I've let go. It's hard when the person is a master manipulator and uses religion as one of the tools. Gah save me . Good for you on maintaining good boundaries.

lulu1974

I do feel your pain Maggie. I have to admit I learned so much from this one though. He played me from day 1 and I dont think that will happen again. He taught me some very valuable lessons. He was never a nice guy as he claimed. I am pretty sure he never had a relationship so I think that explains a lot. Babies who throw tantrums seldom keep woman's interests. But hey...this time is took me 4 weeks to figure out. Better than 8 years so apparently my brain has learned some lessons!

lulu1974

[QUOTE=Phoenixthebird;2780244]YAAAH lulu,
You didn't allow this "12 year old" to entrap you in his sick game of cat-and-mouse. From reading your post that was what he was trying to get you involved with......
"He then texted me at 4am asking me if I had forgotten about him." "I did not call him any names and just let him throw his tantrum. I am proud of that. This was now the second time he attacked my character."

This is one area I still need to work on in my recovery, not needing to have the last word in an argument. Most of the time it's fruitless!

“The beautiful thing about learning is nobody can take it away from you.”

"The only person you are destined to become is the person you decide to be.”

“Keep in mind that letting go isn’t the end of the world, it’s the beginning of a new life.”

[QUOTE]

Thank you. I didnt have the last word and that was okay but I did say finally in not so many words that I wasnt there for him to call up whenever he had spare time last minute. I am trying to decide if I should have even bothered to say that. It felt good finally saying that to him but was it worth it because he of course didnt even bother to comment. I think i figured out he was too busy being mad at me that I was walking away and hadnt been contacting him back rather than listening to what I was saying. Come to think of it he was always like that. He didnt want to listen. That was the whole reason I got fed up. I was communicating what I needed and my boundries and frankly he could care less. Ok. Well let him stew in his own meaness and immaturity. He has no one to blame but himself. I was open and communicative. He didnt care. So now he can take his next victim. And I can devote myself to someone who actually wants to hear what I say.